I have had the week from hell that got better/worse as the week went on. I think my dysphoria is a constant most days of my life...my constant distress with being male and living in a male roll, while eased by promise of transition, does not stop nor fix it. The last week I seem to have been acutely aware of my Dysphoria to the point where it tipped me into a place of self destructiveness. While I did no real harm to myself physically it took its toll on me mentally leaving me a little battered by the end of it all.
I was at a place of such utter despair, viewing the rest of my life as worthless. This takes me into the suicidal idealisation stuff, which I do recognise it, for what it is. I did not act out on it and don't think I ever would have, but it is still not a pleasant place to be, seeing no future and death as a pleasant alternative. When my thought process is like this, it becomes easy for the self loathing, anger, despair and all the other garbage I heap on myself, to get a firm hold on my thoughts.
I did manage to drag myself out of the "Pity Party" I had dug for myself and by about Saturday night I wasn't feeling too bad. What I did manage to learn though is how my Dysphoria acts to trigger all these other emotions which leads to the "pity party". Part of the problem is when you are feeling like this it is very hard to see what is happening as it takes all you energy to deal with the aftermath.
Normally when I feel like this I come to Susan's and make a few posts and feel better. Didn't work this time just made me feel worse to the point where I was re-evaluating my entire decision to Transition. The funny thing was as much as my male side may objected the facts speak for themselves and the decision was the right one. Once I got to this point I began to see that it was the Dysphoria behind all this and I had let it get the better of me again.
Yesterday I made a concerted effort to present more feminine as I had been a bit lax during the week due to the way I had been feeling about myself. I felt so much better and even put a little makeup on despite my daughters and partners coming over for lunch. I don't think anyone noticed or if they did they are used to me now and never batted an eyelid. Those few extra things I did for myself made all the difference and had pretty much dealt with the residual feelings from the Dysphoria.
From all this, my resolve to transition has only grown in strength as has my knowledge that I am doing the right thing by myself and my family. As hard as it may well be I really do believe we will all be better for it the long run. My daughter said to me yesterday that she is still having difficulties ,and is going to see a therapist. I think that is a great idea. She said to me that she understood things a bit better and it explained a lot for her when she was growing up. Mainly as to my behaviours when I became to frustrated with life all I could do was yell...being so Dysphoric as to withdraw in order to deal with it...she noticed the "dark scary moods" and being "distant and withdrawn at times"...to her this part now makes sense.
A hard week...yes but a very enlightening one in many aspects.
Sarah T