I didn't fully accept that I'm a TS until, I think, the beginning of this year, at 18. I didn't even consider it as a possibility until soon after turning 17 (or maybe a little before.) and that's one reason it took me so long to realize it, because when I started reading everything I could about transsexuals, almost all of their stories had something like "at age 3 I'd scream to my parents, 'I'm a boy/girl!'"
I never did anything like that...it wasn't so obvious, so I thought I wasn't really a TS, not really. my past wasn't enough like the ones I read about, which was very disheartening to me (though that says something in itself).
the clues were subtle. though I remember when I was about five, I actually flat out told my parents "when I grow up, I'm going to turn into a boy." (but notice I said "when I grow up", not, "I am") they said that was silly, and I wouldn't. I'll admit I don't remember feeling especially sad over it, just...quietly confused, contemplative. but I remember that when I said "grow up" I meant within the next year! I was so young at the time though, that probably seemed "grown up" to me. I'm sure I just didn't know how else to say it, haha.
I remembered that years later and brought it up to my mom when I was 17. I'd talked to her about my "gender issues" plenty, and she has always been very open-minded, but the idea of me being a transsexual was still..I don't know, she didn't like the idea and seemed to avoid it, but that's understandable. anyway, I kept trying to talk to her about it, bringing things up and hinting around, and when I told her about that she responded with something like "oh, plenty of children say things like that." do they really?
another thing I remember, and I think this is a MAJOR CLUE, is that when I was even younger than that, maybe 3-4 years old, I played with stuffed animals a lot. I never liked babydolls, they creeped me out, you could even say they disturbed me. but anyway, every single one, without exception, was automatically male in my eyes. I didn't even have to decide, without even thinking, they were boys. I'm no child psychologist, but I think at that age children would choose the gender they feel they most relate to. right? and if I played with other little girls and they had animals or dolls and said they were girls, it really threw me off. I thought it was pretty weird.
I could go on with lots of other clues, but I'll spare you. I think the reason it wasn't so obvious for me though is because of my personality. I'm quiet, I sit back and observe and analyze...(I'm an INTP).
so when did you fully realize you are a transsexual? did it take forever for anyone like it did for me? any thoughts and personal stories are welcome! and thanks for reading :)
When I was three years old.
Would you mind posting an introduction here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html
tink :icon_chick:
I think when my family got their first computer with internet I was around 10 years old plus or minus a few years not certain (sad I know since I'm only 19 haha). But once we got a computer I found out about transsexualism and the whole concept of changing you sex. I became really obsessed with the idea at around 12 years old and came out at 17. Just been working with it ever since really. Technology has been the biggest influence as without it I wouldn't be anywhere near where I am today. I probably would have been off in another world or something.
I think when I had learned enough to know what being a transsexual meant.....prior to that I was just confused.
Bobbie xx
Not until I was sixteen or seventeen, really. I didn't have the "growing up saying I'm a boy" experience at all. I was extremely androgynous in behaviour, but I didn't really differentiate between the sexes until puberty. Then depression hit and I didn't pinpoint why until my late teens.
six or seven.. told my mom when I was eleven.
I was 16 when I knew the technical terms of Gender Dysphoria but I knew I wasn't a boy from when I was about 4.....
By the time I was eight, I knew I wanted to be a girl. Sometime when I was a teenager I heard of Kristine Jorgensen and transsexuals. It wasn't until I was 47 that I began to realise the connection between those two pieces of knowledge.
It depends on how you look at it. I was raised as a Catholic and I knew by praying every night I would wake up and be a girl. I was 10 or 12. I don't remember much before that. I didn't learn anything about gender dysphoria until I was in my 30's. Even then, I resisted. Then one day I read an article about someone who'd made the change. I thought OMG that's me! After that I ready everything I could find about it. I came out in '97. I started hrt in December, changed my name in Jan '98 and was full time by March.
I don't know if it answers the question, but that's my story.
Karen Lyn
Quote from: KarenLyn on September 30, 2007, 07:12:31 PM
It depends on how you look at it. I was raised as a Catholic and I knew by praying every night I would wake up and be a girl.
Karen Lyn
Hehe, I remember doing that night after night after night years ago. Eventually I gave up though.
Yeah, it got to be pretty pointless.
Karen Lyn
at age five
It's okay, Rottingteeth (interesting name), if you didn't have it when you were a kid. Some people don't and some people do. I have met a few people who didn't really think they were TS until they started to all of a sudden clue in.
I'm fairly typical, however, and I had gender issues as a kid. I was taken to the doctors who recommended to my mom that I she should encourage me to do boy things and so on. So, I went through scouts and the whole thing. When I was 12 and hitting puberty I and a male counceller do things with me (activities, etc) to help me focus on being male.
Later in my teens, I put on make up and dressed privately. Although I appeared at school, from time to time, with womens clothing (usually taken from my moms closet) and I'd be picked on for that. I'd put on make up sometimes, but get beaten up for it. All of that wonderful stuff. I didn't know what it was called or why I was so "weird" and why I felt this way. I ended up with few friends and keeping to myself mostly. We once had cable for a short time, and I remember seeing "transexuals" on TV, and they were treated like freaks. despite that, I knew that this was a clue.
I got pretty determined to transition once I left school. I had this whole plan set out. It was going to be wonderful. But, it didn't work out that way. I left home and ended up living with a bunch of guys for a while and working. So, I hid things for a bit and talked to the church about my feelings. They felt that going on a mission would help me be unconfused and be more male. My family really pushed for me to go, so I did. While their they sent me to councelling and tried to give me medication. It didn't work, and I only got more depressed. I was in the states for a year for that.
When I came home, I was pretty messed up and was in and out of hospital for a while. I then got off the meds and started to put my life back together. It was hard.
I then came out again to my family (around 22-23), who strongly disapproved. My mom suggested that "I wait until my grandparents die, at least." I lived with my brother, who constantly made fun of me and tried to embarass me in public. At this time I left the church, but they were coming to my door a lot because my brother invited them.
I tried looking for help, and at that time I was going around as Acadia. I had no friends and I was very lonely. There wasn't a lot of information out there and I couldn't find help. I tried to commit suicide, again (a re-occuring thing in my life).
So, then, after that and picking up the pieces I went back into hiding, again. I tried to look male for everyone else. Meanwhile, I worked on a lot of issues. I went back to school for a time. Then I started making friends. I co-ran a publication for a while, and made more friends. I fixed a lot of things in my life and I was setting things up so that I could have a support network. It was a lot of work. It was a lot of recovery.
Then, when I was 27 I became public. I had wonderful friends that stuck with me and supported me, and then I eventually found a local trans group where I met other trans girls for support. It's been a long, long road, and I'm going to be 29 soon.
Life is much better now. I finally feel normal. I'm very happy. I'm glad that I finally did something. Not all of my family is accepting. My brother didn't talk to me for nine months, but has now started to talk to me and has seen me a couple of times (although I'm pretty mad at him because he's putting old pictures of me up on his face book and referring to me as his "brother.") My mom has accepted it. My grandparents have counted me as dead to them, and have tried to keep me a secret from their friends and other family members. My dad has just started to talk to me and and has actually seen me for the first time in a year and a half (but hasn't told my half-sister, since I'm the family embarrassment).
My roommates are amazing. I live with three other girls and they are sisters to me. They are my family. And their family has accepted me 100%. And I have so many friends that I consider family, too. It's a wonderful thing and an amazing feeling to feel that I have that kind of support. That people love me for who I am. It's awesome.
Anyway, that is my story in a nutshell. So, it's pretty typical. An interesting story, but a lot of people have interesting stories. And you have your own story, too, Rottingteeth -- it might be different, but it is just as valid.
as long as I can remember really.
I remember my cousin "losing' some clothes at my place, I just wanted a skirt so bad bad then.
Quote from: Nicole on October 01, 2007, 06:24:28 AM
as long as I can remember really.
I remember my cousin "losing' some clothes at my place, I just wanted a skirt so bad bad then.
nice pic Nicole....
I kinda came at this thing backwards, as I never thought of things I DID as being clues or anything... the need to be a girl was just ALWAYS there, at *least* from ages 3 or 4 as I clearly remember much of my life before kindergarten. And even then, this knowing of "what the heck happened? I need to be a girl, not a boy!" tortured me 24/7.
But I never thought about or envied clothes or anything like that. I'd play with the neighborhood girls and just wish I was more like them, and desperately wanted to be accepted as ONE of them. I didn't do girly things and think, "hmmmm, maybe I like doing these things because I'm really a girl!" Instead, the need or feeling of needing to be a girl existed FIRST, without any obvious reasons or "clues" to explain it.
And I didn't articulate it back then as "I AM a girl!" because... well that made no sense to me. All the Big People told me I was a boy, and I trusted their judgement. My angst was simple: I was born a boy. I should have been and need to be a girl. Now what am I supposed to do?
~Kate~
I knew from the time I was about 6 years old, when I first saw my father's porn(no, he wasn't sexually abusive, he just liked to look at porn and didn't care if we watched) I really wanted to be a girl.
It wasn't until I was around 9 that I started finding "->-bleeped-<-" porn. That really fascinated me because it was the gender bend thing that had plagued me for a while. When I was 11ish, after trying to find out exactly what a, "->-bleeped-<-" or a "->-bleeped-<-" was I came across some information about what real transexuals were. Something lifted off of my chest and I knew what I was, I knew why I wished to wake up a girl every night and I knew there was a way I could do it. It was about midnight and I kept reading until 7am, my pops came out and I told him. Hard times after that.
Posted on: October 01, 2007, 11:12:44 AM
I wish Freud had studied transgendered and transsexual individuals>.> I bet we'd know a lot more if we did.
Time machines, anyone?
Quote from: kalt on October 01, 2007, 11:13:50 AM
I wish Freud had studied transgendered and transsexual individuals>.> I bet we'd know a lot more if we did.
He did, and he didn't understand them any better than he understood women. There was, for example, the famous case of the crossdresser that he cured... repeatedly. This individual was interviewed several years after Freud's death. Never was cured. Just fealt better for a few years after each time spent talking to the non-judgemental Freud.
Quote from: Lisbeth on October 01, 2007, 11:52:28 AM
He did, and he didn't understand them any better than he understood women. There was, for example, the famous case of the crossdresser that he cured... repeatedly. This individual was interviewed several years after Freud's death. Never was cured. Just fealt better for a few years after each time spent talking to the non-judgemental Freud.
Rogue: Is it true? Have they found a cure?
Professor X: Yes Rogue, it's true.
Storm:
no, no it's not true, wanna know why? Cuz there's nothing to cure, there's nothing wrong with us.
it was my sophmore year in HS, i actually have earlier childhood memories, but i surpressed it for many years. it was just this past august after my vacation that it hit me, hard. i had been to susans web site before a while back and came here for help, which has been great.
Me?
I wanted to be a girl when I was 4. But that was back in the 50's, and boys were, well....just boys. You got what nature dealt you. So, I was a boy, and when puberty kicked in with testosterone, I was a boy all the time.......except once in a while when I thought it was wrong, and wanted a shape, breasts, soft skin, and a different way of seeing, and thinking. But then, soon enough, I was all guy again, except that I was slight of build, and didn't really like sports, or getting dirty, or, you know.....boy stuff.
Some of us take longer than others, sometimes much longer, to get to the point of not being able to handle it any longer. Some solve it by taking flight from a very high place. Such a tragedy. I stopped it by being what I must be.
Do I wish I had started earlier in life? No, not really. If I had, I would not now have my life partner...my wife, or my children, or my lovely grandchildren. All happy, and me.......at peace, just the same.
Bev
Age of 4 also. It's all coming together now.
Quote from: kalt on October 01, 2007, 12:11:10 PM
Rogue: Is it true? Have they found a cure?
Professor X: Yes Rogue, it's true.
Storm: no, no it's not true, wanna know why? Cuz there's nothing to cure, there's nothing wrong with us.
Exactly so.
Quote from: Lisbeth on October 02, 2007, 10:34:28 AM
Quote from: kalt on October 01, 2007, 12:11:10 PM
Rogue: Is it true? Have they found a cure?
Professor X: Yes Rogue, it's true.
Storm: no, no it's not true, wanna know why? Cuz there's nothing to cure, there's nothing wrong with us.
Exactly so.
I know.
That plot line is symbolic of so many things.
I wouldn't expected it to be so, it seems just like any other action plot, it's not like Narnia or LOTR or Billy Jack.
I still think that transsexualism is a disorder in some ways, but I do not see the harm in allowing transition and I do see the harm in not allowing it, which is why I think insurance companies should support it to the point of HRT and GRS, but anything beyond that I don't know yet... politics, I wish I was still a minor>.>
Quote from: kalt on October 02, 2007, 10:53:12 AM
That plot line is symbolic of so many things.
I wouldn't expected it to be so, it seems just like any other action plot, it's not like Narnia or LOTR or Billy Jack.
I would. It seems like everything about X-Men has been about being different and accepting or rejecting differences.
Quote from: Lisbeth on October 02, 2007, 12:01:21 PM
Quote from: kalt on October 02, 2007, 10:53:12 AM
That plot line is symbolic of so many things.
I wouldn't expected it to be so, it seems just like any other action plot, it's not like Narnia or LOTR or Billy Jack.
I would. It seems like everything about X-Men has been about being different and accepting or rejecting differences.
I should be magneto.
DEATH TO ALL um... -is trying to figure out who to not like-
Phooey.
Some help here?
Quote from: Kate on October 01, 2007, 09:25:56 AM
I kinda came at this thing backwards, as I never thought of things I DID as being clues or anything... the need to be a girl was just ALWAYS there, at *least* from ages 3 or 4 as I clearly remember much of my life before kindergarten. And even then, this knowing of "what the heck happened? I need to be a girl, not a boy!" tortured me 24/7.
But I never thought about or envied clothes or anything like that. I'd play with the neighborhood girls and just wish I was more like them, and desperately wanted to be accepted as ONE of them. I didn't do girly things and think, "hmmmm, maybe I like doing these things because I'm really a girl!" Instead, the need or feeling of needing to be a girl existed FIRST, without any obvious reasons or "clues" to explain it.
And I didn't articulate it back then as "I AM a girl!" because... well that made no sense to me. All the Big People told me I was a boy, and I trusted their judgement. My angst was simple: I was born a boy. I should have been and need to be a girl. Now what am I supposed to do?
Wow, you stole my answer. That is my story as well, except that age 13, I was driven find out why I felt the
way I did and discovered transsexualism. I knew in an instant that was me. I just waited another 37 years to
do something about it.
Stormy
Quote from: Stormy on October 03, 2007, 12:21:33 AM
Wow, you stole my answer. That is my story as well, except that age 13, I was driven find out why I felt the
way I did and discovered transsexualism.
Sure, I mean I heard of Christine Jorgeson at one point as a child, though I ONLY knew she had "changed her sex." I knew no details, nothing about the process. And for whatever naive reason, I didn't then think,
"Oh! There must be thousands of people like me then out there with a conditon called transsexualism!" No, I instead thought,
"Well... that makes two insane people on the planet who feel this bizarre need."Kinda stupid of me, looking back on it all now. But there was no internet, and I sure as heck wasn't going to risk being caught in a library looking this "dirty" sex stuff up. Plus I didn't even know where to begin. I kept my ears open from then on, but didn't really hear anything more than shows about drag queens and crossdressers... and I knew I wasn't like that. I needed to BE female, not play with looking like one.
Younger transitioners don't always realize how swept-under-the-rug this topic was Way Back When. Today you can hardly turn on the TV without Oprah or Dateline doing a show on TSism. That just did NOT happen when I was growing up. You heard... rumours... whispers about a few crazy people flying to foreign countries to have this crazy operation. That's it. The idea of being able to transition through a doctor's care was just totally unknown to me.
~Kate~
Dear Kate,
You're an insane lady with a bizaare need.
<3
I mean jeez, everyone else on these forums is NORMAL. But not you.
^_^
Quote from: kalt on October 03, 2007, 11:13:03 AM
You're an insane lady with a bizaare need.
I mean jeez, everyone else on these forums is NORMAL. But not you.
LOL, I just meant that's how *I* thought of myself at the time ;)
Well OK, I still think I'm nuts, but the TSism has nothing to do with it, lol...
~Kate~
As far as I can remember, probably ages 5-6 I've always wanted to be a girl.. then I had that strange dream. With only this knowledge I got pushed away from the whole thought seeing myself as a freak due to "Jerry Springer" which my sisters would always watch when I was younger. I'd say probably at age 12 I realized I was trans, but had no courage.. Age 14 I came out to my parents as a gay youth, then after that I came out as trans.. However, my story is only in its beginning chapters, being I'm only 16 and finally looking into some help. But really, that feeling has "ALWAYS" been there, as long as I can remember.
Michelle
Quote from: Kate on October 03, 2007, 10:57:34 AM
Sure, I mean I heard of Christine Jorgeson at one point as a child, though I ONLY knew she had "changed her sex." I knew no details, nothing about the process. And for whatever naive reason, I didn't then think, "Oh! There must be thousands of people like me then out there with a conditon called transsexualism!" No, I instead thought, "Well... that makes two insane people on the planet who feel this bizarre need."
I kind of supressed those thoughts about 2 seconds after my mother greeted the news report with the words, "Whatever is the world coming to? We must surely be living in the
end times!"
Quote from: Kate on October 03, 2007, 10:57:34 AM
You heard... rumours... whispers about a few crazy people flying to foreign countries to have this crazy operation.
Rumours of people who went to Europe or Mexico. That's all I ever heard. And that alot of them died.
Quote from: MichelleA on October 03, 2007, 11:23:38 AM
As far as I can remember, probably ages 5-6 I've always wanted to be a girl.. then I had that strange dream. With only this knowledge I got pushed away from the whole thought seeing myself as a freak due to "Jerry Springer" which my sisters would always watch when I was younger. I'd say probably at age 12 I realized I was trans, but had no courage.. Age 14 I came out to my parents as a gay youth, then after that I came out as trans.. However, my story is only in its beginning chapters, being I'm only 16 and finally looking into some help. But really, that feeling has "ALWAYS" been there, as long as I can remember.
Michelle
Best of luck.
I displayed a very feminine behaviour at a very early age. The first time I can remember has to have been around age six. I informed my parents I was a girl when I was 14.
QuoteIt depends on how you look at it. I was raised as a Catholic and I knew by praying every night I would wake up and be a girl. I was 10 or 12. I don't remember much before that. I didn't learn anything about gender dysphoria until I was in my 30's. Even then, I resisted. Then one day I read an article about someone who'd made the change. I thought OMG that's me! After that I ready everything I could find about it. I came out in '97. I started hrt in December, changed my name in Jan '98 and was full time by March.
I don't know if it answers the question, but that's my story.
Sounds like a page from my life.
When I was five I recall dressing in the hand-me-downs that my older sister had worn and feeling good that I did.
When I was eight I was in Catholic school. I was standing in-line behind a girl named Marlene. She was wearing a white, half-sleeve blouse with a dark green jumper, hemmed just above the knee, with socks and slip-on shoes. I almost swooned over her because it was at that second that I knew that I should have been like her.
I came to love and prize the company of girls but not having the "right" appearance made that difficult for me.
I had to try on my sister's clothes to feel them, stuffing her bra and seeing myself in the mirror, putting her panty girdle on and learning how to wear nylons without putting a runner in them. When the rest of the family went out, I came out, so to speak.
And I prayed and prayed and cried and prayed myself to sleep to wake up a girl. The Almighty can do all things and surely to change my gender overnight wasn't impossible. It just wasn't what the Ultimate had in mind for me at the time.
Fast forward to 1995, age 44, and my first computer. I became an infomaniac looking for sites that dealt with transsexuality in a proper light, not porn.
Forty-six years after first knowing that there was a disconnect between my inner gender and my outer appearance I began to transition and I have not regretted one picosecond of it.
Wing Walker
Quote from: Kate on October 03, 2007, 10:57:34 AM
I heard of Christine Jorgeson at one point as a child, though I ONLY knew she had "changed her sex." I knew no details, nothing about the process.
"Well... that makes two insane people on the planet who feel this bizarre need."
there was no internet, and I sure as heck wasn't going to risk being caught in a library looking this "dirty" sex stuff up. Plus I didn't even know where to begin.
I knew I wasn't like that. I needed to BE female, not play with looking like one.
Younger transitioners don't always realize how swept-under-the-rug this topic was Way Back When.
~Kate~
Yep.....I agree with all these. When I first heard of Jorgenson in my early teens, the only thing I can remember is being very, very jealous, and knew ordinary people like me had no chance of this blessing.
And no, you didn't want to be caught in the library, tho I started looking anyway in the mid 80's. Didn't help.
You just did not talk about such a thing....NOBODY understood. We're talking about times when we were treated in mental health institutions, sometimes with ect treatments.
So.....now, late in life, here I am.
Born Beverly
Realizing one is TS vs. accepting one is TS can be separated by years, even decades. If I knew what a transsexual was when I was five I would have said I was transsexual then. When I finally accepted I was TS I was 53. I took the COGIATI test online, knowing full well no single test was going to determine if you were TS or not. Even though I skewed the test so I would score higher (I thought) I was very shaken when the result was "Probable Transsexual". I was sitting on my laptop in the basement crying when my daughter came down and asked me what was the matter. I couldn't tell her her dad would one day transition to a woman. It just broke my heart even thinking about it. When I later took the test and answered everything totally honestly I scored even higher.
That test didn't make me believe I was TS, it made me admit I was. I've known this all my life but I just could never face it.
Today I have all but completed my mental transition. My physical transition begins in June '08. There's no doubt this is the path I need to take if I ever want real happiness and inner peace.
Knowing you're transsexual is one thing but admitting it and accepting it is quite another.
Julie
I knew I was a girl with the wrong parts when I was very little. Maybe three or four. My transition began decades later of course. I won't say how many... ~winks~
I think all of us used to pray to become a girl when we went to bed.
I didn't ask for morning though.
I was like, "make me a girl RIGHT NOW."
It always made me even sadder:-(
I knew I was a girl when I was five. I wish the clinicians and my parents had realized that before deciding to assign me as boy due to my IS condition. I'm still quite enraged about it.
Quote from: Julie Marie on October 07, 2007, 09:06:26 AM
My physical transition begins in June '08. There's no doubt this is the path I need to take if I ever want real happiness and inner peace.
Julie[/color][/font][/size]
Hmmm......I thought you surely must have done your physical transition Julie. And, if not, but ready at 56 (I'm 56 too), why wait almost a year, hon? Why not now? Just curious, and a little sorry.
Bev
I had what I like to call gender consciousness when I was 11.
But I knew I was very different at a very young age, but I did not have the greatest grasp of gender to say I was female. It was a very mixed thing with me. I knew I didn't fit with boys, and I did not really identify with them, but I had difficult time finding myself or grasping why. Alot of confusion and well enforcement of gender norms that I couldn't possibly fit in. I could go on and on.
Gender confusion: since age 2
Gender consciousness: Age 11
I was a gender variant since a very young age though. I also have an IS condition.
Age 3 or so, at least that's when I really started to verbalize and exhibit it, because that's when the concept of gender was introduced. Before that, I was just "me", no problems.
When my true personality started to blossom as a child, that's when the shaming and emotional abuse started with by my family. And that's when I learned how to bury it and continually feel like something was wrong with me.
I was 29.
Yeah late in the game aye? Well I didn't really know ANYTHING, other than i liked to wear clothes of the opposite sex. I quickly found out once I got on the internet I wasn't alone there. But I still had no idear what a TS was until I picked up the book True Selves... Mind you, I wasn't even out as a crossdresser to anyone at that time. I thought about the definition of a TS alot. Reflected back on many of the things I'd been through and felt and it really made sense once I considered myself a transsexual instead of just a flake. I really had no previous education into such things. They didn't exactily teach you in school about it back then. No books on the subject ever crossed my path.. so how was I to know? Felt pretty stupid but I was going to get all the info I could lay my hands on.
I remember plenty of nights and days wishing I'd get transported into the body of a female. Wake up out of what seemed to be a nightmare of masculine testosterone(spell check?) I just couldn't understand why I hated being a male so much, why I didn't get the male world or how they thought..nothing.. yet I loved the company of women. I understood them and their feelings as if I were one. Yet for many years I didn't know why.
For almost a year after that I dreamed of transitioning. But let's face it, I'm not even third class financially and my luck is pretty non-existant. Unless I could 'completely' replace certain parts like feet and arms/hands, I just wouldn't have a chance. I don't believe I could ever come close and that's not what I want. Also I know that even if I were 100% female that something else was lacking in my life, and without that I'd never be happy. I needed someone to just love me, not for any reason, but just love. THAT was what would make me happy. And once I realised right where I was and what I could and couldn't do, I found her:) (that's another story of course)
I still marvel at some of you whom have gone the whole way and become what you know you always were. I think it's awesome and yeah I'm envious. If there's a chance at coming back for another life then I pray it's as a woman. Until then, one miracle has already happened for me. I don't have the right to ask for another;)
I knew I was different when I was five and certainly by six I was having some major issues at school. My elementary life was hell. I really didnt admit I was trannsexual until I was in my early 30's and now I'm 39 and I have no doubt. I just knew all my life I wanted to be a girl but had no idea how to go about it. I know now though!!
I always knew I was liitle, I liked to dress in girls clothes, I didn't have any girlfriends growing up, I just had alot of girls who were my good friends. i could always talk to girls about anything and they could talk to me. I wasn't like the other boys growing up. I mean I didn't think like them. I wanted to be a girl.
I just thought there was something terribly wrong with me, so I found drugs and alcohol to escape from myself, but even dooing that didn't work completely, i still had the thoughts and desire to be female.
I got sober, married and had a son and every thing was ok for awhile, but thoughts and desire eventuaaly came back. I then got divorced about two years ago.
I then started seeing a therapist about six months ago, and I finally realized and that I was TS and a short while later I truly accepted it and began to transition, first just in my mind. I have my first endo appt on the 30th of this month and I cant't wait.
To answer your question I always knew that I was born the wrong sex, but didn't have the courage or it just wasn't the right time to do anything about it, until tis last year.
Ariana :)
Early childhood. Six years old.
Quote from: pretty pauline on November 09, 2007, 06:23:04 PM
When I was 5years old, I find Kalt's replys very interesting, but what makes us this way, well I can only speak about my own situation, I was born the youngest of 4boys, I think when I was born my Mum must have said ''yikes not another one'' I never was loved as a boy and always wanted to be a girl, when I was 16 I told my Mam, her reaction really surprise me, we had a family meeting, this was the deal, my brothers wanted a sister, my Mam and Dad wanted a daughter and I wanted to be a girl, so that was it.
I remember at the time I was always close to my next brother, we shared a room, but after the family meeting my parents sent me on a vacation to organise things at home, when I returned things really had changed, my brother had moved in with my other brother and the room we shared for so long was totally transformed into a girl's room, it was all done out in a beautiful Barbie pink, white curtains with pink frills my Mam and Dad where actually more excited than me at the time, I won't say my Mam was pushy, but she kept pushing me to take the next step, I remember when I reached 18 my Mam packed all my male clothes in bags one weekend and brought them to the charity shop, I was told it was time to go full time for my own good, that part of my life now when I look back is a bit of a blur, my Mam and Dad really took control of my transition, when I was 21 my Mam bought me hair extensions lol
Fast forward 7years when I was 28 I had my SRS, I'II always remember waking up after the surgery, I was very weak and sick from the anesthesia, I couldn'd speak as I was sore from the trachea shave, but my Dad put his arms around me and spoke 6words to me which to this day still make me cry ''Daddy's princess girl is now complete''
Love Pauline
Thank you for sharing your wonderfully uplifting story, Pauline. When I awake from the surgery I will feel two things besides the post-surgery stuff. I will feel complete and I will feel pretty. I might not look too pretty but no one can take the feelings from me.
Be well and enjoy who you are.
Wing Walker
What a beautiful story Pauline
Mine is certainly not anywheres close to yours except I always believed my mom knew about it, but back then little was known about GID. It took from the age of 3 until 50 before I learned enough about GID and the treatments that were available back then to do anything about it. To feel complete is a wonderful place to be. I pray your life continues to be a wonderful experience for you.
Cindy
I always knew I was a girl since I was very little. Maybe four or five. I didn't do anything about it until five years ago. 21 years wasted down the drain :(
Quote from: pretty pauline on November 10, 2007, 08:15:08 PM
Wing Walker
Thank you for your kind words, you will feel complete, todays SRS surgery is even more successful, may it go well for you.
Cindy
Thank you for your prayers, yes all Mothers and families are different, my own situation as I said in my post was different, my Mam always wanted a daughter, before I was born my parents where going to adopt a girl, I didn't realize this till I came out at 16, my Mam (specially) and my Dad where very excited about my transition, after a family meeting it was all agreed, I was sent off on a vacation for 2weeks, unknown to me at the time, my parents made some changes at home when I was away to start my transition, they hired a therapist, but got things moving too quickly, I wish I was more in control of my transition, but my Mam took control when I returned home the room I shared with my brother for all my childhood years was gone, my brother was moved to another room, our room was now a room I didn't recognized, it was very feminine, girlie and girlish with pink everywhere, everything was new, I remember the curtains and the pillows on the bed where white with pink lace frills, yes I wanted to be a girl, but Mam wanted a certain type of girl, she wanted a ''pretty daughter'' I didn't want to seem ungrateful at the time so I excepted it, Mam thought I should live in a ''girl friendly environment'' to help my transition.
3months after I went fulltime (Mam decided that) my brother got married, there was going to be a lot of family and friends there, so I decided to wear a conservative outfit as I'd just gone fulltime, but Mam had other ideas, she wanted her daughter looking gorgeous, we had a big row about it, in the end, Mam got her way, I went to the wedding wearing a glittering off the shoulder purple dress with a hat, bag and heels to match, I got a lot of complements and I was blushing under my makeup, when I discussed it with Mam afterwards, she said I should get use to and enjoy being a woman, I surpose she had a point, would I do anything different, yes I wish my Mam didn't interfere too much, I don't regret my transition, but I do wish I had more control over my own transition, I'v a good family, my 3brothers and my Dad treated myself and my Mam like 2ladies, reading all the other stories on this board, I should be thankful for that and being excepted by my family as a woman
Hi, Pauline,
Thank you for telling us why you chose the adjective "pretty" before your name. I see how you can and "do" feel pretty. As I said earlier, when I can hold a mirror and see what the surgeon has accomplished I surely will feel pretty, swelling and bruising and all!.
Please look back into where you've been and how you got there, your travel through a time of wonderment that never needs to end. Within every second of it you can find something for which you can be grateful, no matter how small or insignificant it is. It is gratitude that determines my attitude and maybe what I've said can be of help to you so you can enjoy your life to its very fullest! It is not that you aren't grateful. Sometimes we all need to look at where we have been to more fully savor where we are now.
Be well and keep your smile on. You can be an inspiration to others, inside and outside of these forums.
Wing Walker
Hello Pauline
Boy I wish I could have experienced the same transition as you did, but my childhood was pretty good. Like I say I believe my mom knew something was different about me, I believe any mom with any intuition would know such things about their children.
My mom didn't do anything about it because there just wasn't anyplace back then where she could have taken me to begin with. I spent much of my growing up years playing dress up in the upstairs part of the house which was mostly only used to store stuff. So I would play out my fantasies up there and my mom never interfered. I guess that was the closest I came to touching my dream when I was growing up.
When I was fifteen I actually had my first experience at living like a girl. I ran away from home and lived in a Hippie Commune. When I was taken in by them I was placed with the girls, they actually thought I was a girl, I was a very small person and had hair down to my waist. Of course I didn't dissuade them of the notion. I even had a boy friend for a time. I was there for a year and a half when my dream fell apart and had to come back home.
Now I do have a wonderful mate. Wing Walker and I have been a pair since June 26, 2004 when we got married, yes complete with wedding dresses and brides maids.
Cindy
At least by 5 or 6. I confirmed it to myself when I was 11/12. I knew why I was doing what I was doing and I was aware enough to know that there were ways out there I could "become a girl", but that's all I knew.
I told my parents when I was 13.
My parents did the best that they knew possible. I saw a number of therapists. The popular theory back then (the 80s) focused on "curing" GID kids, obviously that didn't work for me. My mom was contacted by a researcher that wanted to include me in a study of the treatment of GID kids. She turned him down. For the longest time I wanted to be angry with her for what could have been my ticket out. She told me "I didn't want you to become someone's science project". It took me a long time to realize she was right, that I can recall back then the medical "treatment" of GID in children ran the very real risk I would have been given testo shots. It scares me to think about it.
My parents did send me to an a male high school, in as much as I wanted to go. I was rapidly falling apart in the public school system and I'm not sure I would have survived to graduate. Of course they thought a "strong male role model" was just what I needed, to stop "this". That didn't work either. But despite what you think, it actually took some pressure off me and my gender issues. Yes I was "not a male" in a male world, but without girls around there wasn't as much overt pressure to be as masculine as only high school boys can be.
We knew how to diagnose GID children in the 80s, but no one had figured out how to treat them. My parents did the best they knew how, what more could they have done?
Not age 2
Not age 4
Not 6,7,8,9,10
Although at age 10 I was done with life and asked if I could leave. I was told I really hadn't given it much chance yet, and I had to agree. So, I reluctantly buckled down and made the best of things.
My biggest clue was in latter middle school, when I realized I honestly would do a sex change thing if they had a perfect process. Clone bodies or bust I thought. It turns out, I busted.
Age 17 I snapped and for some reason I couldn't deal with had to put on a 1 peace swimsuit. That nearly resulted in my untimely death by machete when I realized I was stuck with that damn bump.
Age 29, one month from 30 I "accidentally" (I believe in accidents just slightly more than I do in coincidences) ran across the home page of ... a certain girl... Whose name I DO know but she apparently no longer has the link I found as her old page is kaput 404. -- She is responsible for my shattering of understanding and realizing that I was transsexual.
I am now 32 and have been on HRT for a bit over 1.5 years. (actually more than that but close enough)
An no, I was fairly happy being a boy till at least 26. Things started wearing on me around then though.
For what it is worth.
Cindy & Wing Walker
You 2 lovely girls an item, that is soo cool, and thank you all in this topic for posting your experience, all our situations are so different, Cindy you said you lived in a Hippie Commune for a whole year, now thats the sort of freedom I would have really needed to make my own choices, I envy you with that freedom, just to be away and make your own choices OMG! Take things at one's own pace, Cindy the field is not always greener on the other side, you say ''boy I wish I could have experienced the same transition as you did'' no Cindy I don't think you would have, I would have loved to run away and do things my way, but I didn't want to hurt my parents and my brothers, your a free spirited person, a whole year of freedom, you wouldn'd have wanted my years between 16 and 21, all my decisions concerning my transition where made for me by my parents, some may find that hard to understand, but it was the way things where in my family, on my 18th Birthday, that was the day I went fulltime, it was decided by my Mam and Dad, all my male clothes where packed into bags a few days before, then on my Birthday it was birthday presents of dresses, skirts, blouses even nightdresses as all my male pyjamas where given away, there was a lot of emotion at the time, I was glad I was finally becoming a girl, but it happen too quickly for me and if I questioned it at all, I was just tolded, ''be a good girl and just get on with it'' oh I did get finally used to my new room with all the lovely girls things, teddys and fluffy toys my brothers would get me, but a year in a Hippie Commune, unwind and really sort myself out, now that is Heaven.
Hi pretty pauline
I would still sell my soul to have had the opportunity to live as a girl from the age of 16. But I did run together as inseparable friends with another girl in school who was also a reject from the rest of the girls. We were both rejects. Now take me I am not a fighter, and many times I would just let the other boys beat up on me and not fight back, figuring it wouldn't last as long if I didn't but that wasn't always the case.
Anyway this type of behaviour was not acceptable to my friend Helen who was a street fighter. Her two brothers had trained her well. Helen and I just kind of ran in to each other on the school grounds and something clicked and we became really good friends. Anyway for five years we ran together getting into mischief, you know, the type that is just not serious enough to get arrested for. Like getting someone to buy us a bottle of wine and getting lost in the woods surrounding lookout hill, a small tourist area that had an old watch out tower on top of the hill where they use to watch for forest fires in the old days.
Anyway we would get half sauced and chase each other through the trees and sometimes go flying ass over tea kettle down the hill. I had the long hair then to, can you imagine the mess afterwards? Sometimes we would get picked up by the local police officer, really nice guy, and cute to. He would give us a lecture and a finger waging and I would be squashed up against Helen against the passenger door, giving this police officer the sad eyes look and pouting act. He would then drive us home but not without fist making a stop at a general store to get us some goodies. He actually walked me to the door and knocked. When my mom opened the door, he kind of surged me to go in ahead of him and I gave mom the same sad eyes and pouty look to, 90% of the time that ploy worked well. She dismissed me while she talked to the nice officer. He then proceeded to explain to my mom how dangerous it is to let her daughter run around the streets at night alone.
Ye Helen was my only ever and bestest friend I had. We parted company when I was 15 and that was when I ran away from home to New York to join the hippies. My stay there was one and a half years. And yes it was nice, and exciting. I had a boy friend, really nice kid with long blond hair and blue eyes and he played the guitar mind you. All the girls accepted me and really am not certain if any of them suspected anything or not, if they did they never let on anything to me. But some of us did the cleaning, some the cooking or did arts and crafts to sell on the street to help off set the bills. We all just rotated on those activities. We worked together as a team and never went anywhere separate from the rest of the gang.
I have many women friends since then but never as close as Helen and I were. Some realy nice ladies helped me a lot when I began full time as me. I suppose I did live a full and rather adventurous life, but I would give it all up to just have lived my life as a real girl. The adventures and the traveling were only an attempt at running away from who I was. But given the cards I was dealt and the era I grew up in, there were not to many other options. Maybe I should write a book sometime.
Cindy
Thank you for your kind words, Pauline.
I am moving along at whatever pace the medical and psychiatric community wants me to move. It is all for the better, I am sure. My prize is GRS and I will have it because I am patient and I will not be denied.
It was 1956 when I began to suspect a disconnect between my gender and the rest of me and I was sure in 1959/1960. It has taken me 46 years from the time I suspected that disconnect to when I began HRT in 2002, and since then the progress has been non-stop. I had a few slow-downs with the doctors and my moving around from town to town but that's under control and I hope to have my GRS in June 2008.
Please stay well and enjoy your life to the fullest.
Wing Walker
I never realized that I was a transexual, I just realized that I'm a girl. ;)
It took me 50 years to find out I should have been a girl, and another 4 years to decide to do something about it, and be that girl for the past seven years. Transsexual is just a label to facilitate the discernment of one thing from another until what was in questions is identified.
Cindy
I knew I was transgendered from a very early age, but I think I made sense of it in different ways over the years, probably due to my family, my locale, and my brain's ability to process these things.
I realized I was transsexual last fall (almost a year ago), when my GID came roaring out of no where, hungry and demanding, and when none of my logic or history or anything else could push it aside. I finally took a mental baby step around December when I realized that this was never going away, that it was very real, and that I had to do something about it.
And that's what I've been doing, feeling better and better every week.
Joyce
I knew that I was TS as early as 4, although I did not know that the term transgender existed until I was 11. That was when I found out about SRS and decided that someday I would have that done because I knew even at that early age that it was the right thing for me to do.
I knew something was different about me from a very early age. I wished I were a girl, but worked hard to fit in, and I'm sure no one ever suspected the turmoil I felt inside. For much of my life, I tried to understand just where I fit ... crossdresser, transsexual, latent homosexual, just confused ... without being sure. For a long time, I denied it entirely, but it was always there ... every single day.
Finally, when I was in my mid-fifties, I HAD to see a therapist. I could no longer sleep, often going 2-3 days with less that 4 hours total. She confirmed what I had finally admitted to myself ... I am TS. I know it now. I have no doubts.
Now, I'm confronted with what to do about it. If only I had known when I was younger and my life less complicated. I have much to be thankful for in my life now ... a wife that I dearly love and two grown sons I am very close to. More than anything, I don't want to hurt them, and I want their lives to be happier than mine. At the same time, I know that I have hurt them by depriving them of my full attention because some of my energy is always diverted to my gender issue.
So far, this has meant that I haven't moved ahead in transitioning. How long I can do this, I don't know. I don't think I've gone a single day in the last 50 years without thinking about my gender issue and wishing I was a woman.
I would give my life for my wife and children. In a way, I may just be doing that by not transitioning.
This was a long answer to the question, but like the problem itself, the answer is not easy pin down.
Steph
I always felt different as a small child, and didn't fit in being a boy at all. I looked and acted somewhat effeminate, and often got harassed for being a ->-bleeped-<-, queer or sissy. Whenever an adult called me Miss, and then apologized, I wanted to say, no, you didn't make a mistake considering me a girl.
I can't remember the first time I heard the word transsexual, probably in elementary school, hearing other people making fun about a famous TS such as Christine Jorgensen or Renee Richards, it made me want to cry because I didn't think there was anything wrong with these stories... I'm a musician, when I found out the Walter Carlos had become Wendy, I was fascinated and admired her greatly. I was in my 30s when I finally came out as ts in 1993.
zythyra
When I was around 13 or 14. I was picked on constantly.
Ella
Have I answered this yet? My earliest recollection at 3(?) was that I was a girl. One morning I woke up form a dream that I had been magically changed and, until I realized it wasn't true, I was in a state of absolute bliss, like I often am now, when I realize the utter miracle that has taken place. It truly is amazing that we CAN transition.
Hi y2gender
The first book I read when I learned about TS was Canary Conn. A girl who transitioned back in the 60's. She was 20 years old near the end of the 60's when she got the surgery. The story leading to the surgery is heart breaking but has a really wonderful ending. I would recommend it for anyone to read it.
Cindy
From age 5 or 6,just felt wrong and have always known that something had gone very wrong! :icon_wave: :icon_wave:
Quote from: cindybc on November 20, 2007, 02:29:44 AM
The first book I read when I learned about TS was Canary Conn. A girl who transitioned back in the 60's. She was 20 years old near the end of the 60's when she got the surgery. The story leading to the surgery is heart breaking but has a really wonderful ending. I would recommend it for anyone to read it.
I've never seen that book Cindy, and I've read just about every book I've been able to find on the subject of transgender.
zythyra
Personally I think the real TRUE answer to all of this is simple:
THE DAY YOU DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
My earliest recollection was that I knew I was "supposed to be" a girl, not much I could do about it at three years old.
Hi y2gender
I got the book from the local library in the town I was living at the time. Check out Amazon.com They may have it.
Cindy
Very early, the first instance of this I can remember I was about 4... and possibly even before. I was just a very strong urge to be female to wear the clothes act like a girl... everything. It really got bad when I turned 10 though as I was going into puberty and I was feeling the precursor effects of it and I was really distressed. After that up until now and even now, since I'm waiting to go to my first endo appointment on monday, I've been experiencing feelings of complete hopelessness... which I truely hope I won't have to feel ever again.
I didnt know about transsexuality then but I knew I was a girl when I was five.
I remember during preschool years my mom had let my hair grow long and at times on different occasions she dressed me up in little dresses and showed me off to the neighbors. Of course me loving being the center of attention I would put on a good show for everyone, even back then I loved putting on an act.
But then I also remember my going to the barber shop for my first hair cut, I was horrified and screamed and balled as I sadly watched helplessly as my beautiful ringlets fell to the floor. Oh yes I knew I was different and I guess it showed and I certainly got my fair share of ass kicking in the school yard for it.
I made friends with this girl, her name was Helen, turns out she was an outcast as well, like me. We became best of friends, turns out she was one heck of a good street fighter and no one would mess with us. For five years we ran together inseparable like twins then she and her family left town.
At ripe old age of 15 years old I took to the road and hitchhiked to New York City and joined up with some hippies. I had long hair down to my butt back then and I really did look like a girl and they took me in believing I was a girl. I could so easily have transitioned back then if I had known of the possibility that it could be done but then back in 1962 I guess it wasn't to well known if there were places one could seek out for such a procedure. I lived in that commune for 1 1/2 years then had to return home because there was beginning to be to much unrest in the communes.
It's been such a long time, and I don't remember a "definitive" moment in my life per se.
I do know that by third or fourth grade, I was regularly dressing up in my mother's clothes. (This would be in the 1970's.) I lived in a rural area, in a churchy environment, so I did not get a lot of exposure to the world in order to even hear about transsexualism. My mother would have been too naive to even really know about it, my father never really talked to us because he wasn't home much.
But by about fifth grade, I remember being so entranced by a book I saw on the shelf at the local library. It was called Conundrum (by Jan Morris), and I kept trying to sneak peeks at it. I remember being terrified that someone would see me, so I would take furtive glances, then kept putting it back. Obviously at that point in my life, although I don't remember what I was thinking, it's clear that the concept of transsexuality was something that I really connected with.
By sixth grade, I was miserable because I was not a girl. I was so envious of the girls -- their friendships, their clothes, their demeanor, I wanted badly to be part of their circle but couldn't be.
Throughout my teenage years, I knew about transition but had no idea of how I would do it... and to pursue it would disrupt my life tremendously and probably bring utter rejection by my entire family and social circle. So I never even really considered actually committing to doing it. I just dressed as much as I could when no one was home. I was also an escapist, with a wonderful imagination, and spent most of my time reading and being alone and imagining lots of different fantasies... so it was easiest at that time to "live in my head" and not live in real life. I never thought I would have to reconcile my outer world with my inner.
It was in my mid-20's where it finally hit me that (1) transition was possible and (2) I couldn't any longer live one life inside and a different life outside. So that's the first time when things got bad and I identified consciously as transsexual.
If I had been more aware of the cost I would pay for "suppressing" everything and thinking I could just live inside my whole life, if I had had a mentor who had transitioned or just someone who really understood everything, if I would have had a supportive home and social environment, if I hadn't been immersed in a conservative Christian subculture, perhaps I would and could have transitioned earlier. Pretty much my situation precluded any opportunity for an early transition.
At least now, I know what I am trading in. That's something, I suppose, and gives me assurance that I'm not missing something. I've tried life as a man and even during the good moments, things still were rather dreadful or at best "neutral" ... and never for long.
Hi Jennywocky
It is quite amazing how closely our life experiences turn out to be so closely related to one another. I can recognise many parts of your sorry that fit quite well to my own experiences. Except for my parents, they were really wonderful people both of them. But fear kept me from talking to them about it. As for my mom well I think she suspected but I never shared it with her.
Cindy
I did not even know the differences between being TS and transgendered/crossdresser until 4 weeks ago, so I would say officially around 2 weeks ago, but I have always felt like a girl since my earliest cohesive memories
I would have to say that my enlightenment came very recently as it did for maragirlygirr also.
In fact it was during a discussion with my therapist only yesterday when we finally nailed down the correct terms to use in our discussions.
Like almost all of you, I have known I was different from a very early age, 4 or 5 years old.
I recently accepted that I was Transgendered and have been telling (a select few) people this, so it was embarassing yesterday, in discussion with my therapist, that I finally came to the realisation that I am not just Transgendered, but that I am Transexual.
My therapists definition: If you have the desire to live your life in the opposite gender role then you are Transexual.
I would also agree with maragirlygirr from a purely personal view that "THE DAY YOU DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!" is another way to interpret the same point.
Just my 2c.
Jenny
I didn't know what a transsexual was until a few years ago. Sure I had heard of 'men that had surgery to be women', but I just assumed they were extreme drag queens. (another example the public doesn't get us, because i didn't) I had never heard of a female-to-male transsexual. I really thought I was unique in all the universe. that I was the only one like this - who wasn't their birth gender.
Now as far as my gender - I always knew I was a boy. In fact, I was too stupid to realize I was a 'girl' until age 4 when I saw my best friend take a piss in my backyard. I saw that he had something i did not. And I was very disturbed and confused.
I had always just assumed I was like my dad and would turn into a man like my dad.
I lived in one of those 'children are seen and not heard' strict religious households. I was severely punished for the slightest slip of the tongue. I never dared declare my true gender. I tried to tell in subtle ways: I loved the Peanuts comic strip and tv specials. When i was about 2, I would constantly say 'No I am Charlie Brown, not Lucy.'
i knew who I was until I died from puberty complications at age 11.
Quote from: Beverly on October 01, 2007, 07:15:21 PM
Me?
I wanted to be a girl when I was 4. But that was back in the 50's, and boys were, well....just boys. You got what nature dealt you.
Bev
Yes that was me too. But of course I didn't know what transsexual meant. I remember some time in my teens reading about ->-bleeped-<-s and it sort of dawned on me that they were like me. I felt so ashamed of the fact that deep inside I wanted to be a girl, I felt like I must be some sort of pervert. So when I got to about 16/17 I fought against my inner feelings and tried so hard to be the best man I could be. And that brought me acceptance from others, whereas when I was younger I was always getting bullied and called names such as pansy, queer, nancy boy, etc.
By the time I was thirty I knew my feelings were different to other males but still didn't realise I was transsexual. I tried wearing womens clothes, going out for walks at night even, but I was reviled by the sight of my male face and body in womens clothes and tried to give it up.
It has only been in recent times that I can truly admit that, yes, I'm transsexual.
L