one thing im really scared of is being wrong...
i read stories of people who get into transitioning and then realize it is not making things better for them or they realize they were wrong. i want to avoid that situation if i can.
in my case i am certain i am transgender and if i didnt have a complex relationship with someone else i would be pursuing transition will all my ability to do so. yet....there is doubt. the doubt comes from not being conscious of this for so long. i thought for a long time that i was a lone eagle.. and possible bisexual or gay, or just omni sexual yet i just didnt understand this twisting conflict inside myself. my story...my history is like bread crumbs shouting..no yeling that this is my condition but i wasnt hearing it till recently. however there is a a small part of my self that comes out when I look at myself in the mirror and says to me 'are you nuts?' and my answer to that voice is 'possibly so.'
so before i come out and permanently change everything. how can i be sure? what is the litmus test? is there one or is it more faith based and drive to be whole that decides. quite frankly im not one for faith much, i have been self reliant most of my life.
thanks for any thiughts here, im tied of fighting and hiding, i feel i need to make a decision.
The doctors are worried about that as well so they have something called RLE Real life experience where you are required to live in the new gender for a year before surgery. Many of the people who have issues after surgery, bypass this requirement, live a different life than the one they will have after surgery or lie to their therapist. Also, if you are still unsure after a year, feel free to extend the time another 6 month or a year until you can say for sure that the old role holds nothing of value for you. I reached that point near the end of my second year of cross living and as the result, I never had regrets about having surgery.
Any surgery I had before reassignment surgery was such that I could return to boy mode and nobody would notice. The first surgery I had that wasn't that way was the reassignment surgery. The odds are you will be happy in the new life but a conservative approach will leave you a back door if you want it.
As you are concerned about making a mistake, you will be more watchful and less likely to make a mistake. The ones with the greatest risk are the ones who never have a moment of doubt.
Quote from: Mirriel on December 18, 2015, 07:05:53 AM
one thing im really scared of is being wrong...
i read stories of people who get into transitioning and then realize it is not making things better for them or they realize they were wrong. i want to avoid that situation if i can.
this is pretty common and frankly it's a healthy fear. It's not an 'easy' process and it is meant for certain kinds of people.
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so before i come out and permanently change everything. how can i be sure? what is the litmus test? is there one or is it more faith based and drive to be whole that decides. quite frankly im not one for faith much, i have been self reliant most of my life.
thanks for any thiughts here, im tied of fighting and hiding, i feel i need to make a decision.
The hard part about it ? You are the only one who has the final say in whether you are trans or not or whether you should transition or not. It's all YOU. Nobody else can tell you. Sure therapists can guide you but if a therapist ever tells you straight up yes or no....they're not a good therapist. It's all your decision , your life.
As for the process....think of it as more incremental. Not sure? Try HRT for a bit...if it feels bad, stop. Try crossdressing for a while, if it sucks, stop. Sure there are pieces of the process that are irreversible (surgeries) but there is a lot you can try to make sure you feel comfortable.
I also had/have this worry. But then I remember how miserable I was being my assigned gender so I must be making the right choice. Plus i would never be able to get it off my mind unless i tried to make a go off it as it were.
You need to ask yourself how long you've felt this way, how dressing in the other genders clothes makes you feel, how being called by your birth name and pronouns makes you feel. If you feel miserable living as male you must be trans. As Dena said if you've thought this through thoroughly for some time then you're most likely making the right decision. Also there's no shame in stopping HRT just because it wasn't for you or to stop dressing in female clothes in order to clear your mind.
Wish you the best :)
My usual response to anyone questioning, asking themselves; "Am I TransGender" is "If you are asking, you are".
As usual with me there is a big 'But". The real trick is sorting out where in the very broad spectrum of TG between cis-female and cis-male you reside 'Today'. Being TG is not a binary, it is not an automatic sentence to having to totally take on a full social transition in order to.... To what? There is very broad spectrum of people between cis-female and cis-male. Not everyone needs to fully transition.
I like to look at it as what do you have to do today to 'Manage' being TG and still carry on your life? What you need to do today may not always work. What you need to do today is certainly not stuffing it away or otherwise living in denial. I among many others will sadly tell you what years or decades of that will do to your soul. Ignoring the feelings will not make them go away. In time it just gives them more power over you and your thoughts.
The process can take as long as you need it to. You don't have to come out to anyone until you feel ready. People won't notice the effects of HRT for months. You have plenty of time to ease yourself in at the shallow end of the pool and paddle until you feel more comfortable in the deep end. Doubts are common, so much of society is geared towards forcing us to conform to cis gender standards it makes it difficult to contemplate a different life.
Quote from: Mirriel on December 18, 2015, 07:05:53 AM
how can i be sure? what is the litmus test?
My therapist suggested that I go out as my female self in as many situations as I could. I went out on shopping trips on weekends, ate out in restaurants, and went to movies that way. I joined a divorced/separated support group and an all-female feminist reading group (trans friendly).
It was coming back from one of the reading group sessions that I realized this is the way I wanted to be all the time. It was like my outings were in color and my male life was in black and white.
I hope this helps.
Mirriel,
I hear ya' ! I have been living successfully as a male for so long that I wonder sometimes whether I am really transgender or just another boy that likes to wear dresses. But that constant itch in the back of my mind tells me that I need to keep my faith and continue my journey. I think you should do the same - dont give up!
To add to the excellent and experience-driven advise from the other posters, is something I learned from an excellent book I read. When you try living as a woman, really "live" as a woman. That means not only doing the fun stuff but also the things that can be hard to adjust to - taking routine care of your skin and hair, being constantly mindful of the details of your appearance, finding just the right clothes and make-up for the situation and being generally more neat and organized. If you are not put off by the "hard stuff" that is a positive sign that you may be transgender. Oh, one more thing - always sit when you are on the potty. It can be a hassle to peel off bodysuits, lingerie, hosiery, pull up dresses and skirts, pull down those cute leggings etc etc, then put it all back in order again. I practice this but have to admit, I still cheat once in awhile.
Sounds silly but the point is, how you deal with all the small little things that women do naturally, will be a good data point to help you sort out your feelings.
Good luck,
Miril
I can't say I recommend it, but I've been doing everything I can not to transition and failing badly. If it turns out I can't life as female, too bad, because I know for sure I can't be male either.
I'd not recommend it because its a major waste of time and source of misery.
Edit: While its true enough, I'm not feeling as bad as that sounds. I'm in a good place at the moment.
I grew out my hair, shaved myself clean, and began to wear more androgynous or feminine clothing prior to starting HRT. I was already relatively thin, but I wanted to be thinner and into the ranges that are much more acceptable for women compared to men. All of these things are very reversible if you don't like it, and it gave me a lot of relief and helped me decide on my next steps... you'll also be making a lot of progress without having to start HRT if do choose to start later on.
I wouldn't recommend just starting on HRT to test the waters. I have heard that some of the effects are not easily reversible. Everyone reacts to the HRT very differently, and you are risking the non-reversible effects early into it. I have heard (I don't know for certainty, this is only something I have heard) that the breast growth is not reversible, and I definitely had noticeable growth within the first month (I objectively measured)... I definitely cannot wear smaller shirts or take off my shirt if I wanted people to identify me as male.
Good luck!