(Male? 15) For a few years now I have had depression, and have relished in the idea of wearing women's clothes. Also when I look at women I sometimes don't feel attracted to them, no matter how beautiful - I almost think I feel jealous but I'm not entirely sure (e.g. when I see a woman in lingerie I more wonder what it feels like to not have anything between your legs and what it feels like to be able to wear underwear that are against the inside of your thigh).
I also have a girlfriend who sometimes calls me a girl or girlfriend or princess etc. and I feel butterflies, I don't know if that is my confusion speaking or legitimate feelings of liking it. As I mentioned before I found that I enjoyed wearing women's clothes when with her as she 'made me try them on'.
I read that in a lot of cases people are sitting in front of mirrors crying but I don't do that, I just feel kinda numb, and I don't feel permanent discomfort in my body. I do however not like the look of my penis (though I don't mind others).
Any help would be most welcome and I am not looking for a diagnosis right here right now, I just want some idea of what is causing my depression, so that I can tackle it.
Dysphoria for me was not sleeping at night because everytime i closed my eyes i lived my dreams through it. But when i woke up back into reality thats when i suffered the most.. Being treated as male, spoke to as male and even being seen as male triggered my dysphoria in a bad way.. I hated my body, the way i sounded when i spoke.. It caused me to have chronic depression... Because i known from when i was 3 that i was different but i was 15-16 when i knew i was trans..
But that is how dysphoria effected me and everyone of us have different experiances to how dysphoria makes us feel... The key is to go to a therapist and they can help you resolve any questions you may have..
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I don't know what happened to my reply so I'll do it again, sorry.
I feel it would be difficult for anyone to diagnose your exact situation with such limited information or a medical degree. I would suggest that you try and see a gender therapist who can help you sort out your feelings. However, being 15 as you stated, I don't know what you'll need to do that.
I remember all the strange thoughts and feelings that went through my head when I was about your age so don't think you are the only one to feel that way. You are not alone.
I wish you all the best and feel free to ask any questions, someone will be able to help out.
Love,
Clare
The problem you are having is you have half the term. Properly named it's Gender Dysphoria which means you are uncomfortable with your current gender. This could mean you are uncomfortable with a body part, your life or your role in society. It's different from one person to the next so unless you find somebody with your exact flavor, you may think you don't qualify. The fact that you are here and you are questioning your gender identity is enough to confirm that you have it and it's only a question of what it means to you.
For me it has been a sense of not being in the "right skin". I know that it has been there since I was a child. It was initially vague but overtime it got stronger and really took shape once I started connecting the dots. I remember watching movies and recognizing that deep inside me there was this conviction that I wanted to be like the girl in the movie. Once I watched a documentary about gender dysphoria when I was around 15... I watched this girl tell her story....and it simply clicked inside me...that that I knew that what I had been feeling, had a name, and that it was not impossible to become that person. However, I did not feel that my family nor the society in which I lived would have accepted it and because of that I tried to hide it. Over time I realized that the dysphoria was manifesting in every aspect of my life, if not because of something that reminded me that I was female inside, then because it made me so sad and depressed that it affected things no matter what. Sexually, I felt that I was on the wrong side/wrong end. I was making love the woman "I wanted to be" and in the way "I wanted to be made love to"....and this can only go so far without cracks start appearing. I also started feeling like as if I were not only being dishonest with myself, but dishonest with people around me,... feeling that I was presenting as the person I was not started feeling like a lie. I also started experiencing a need to share and express feelings, but feelings, for example a deep need inside to be able to cry. Feelings became difficult to deal with and work became the only thing I had that could hide it (but not forget it), being immerse in it kept my mind busy...but after sometime even that stopped working and I felt exhausted. In addition dysphoria comes with highs and lows, moments of certainty and moments of extreme doubt and fear. And this can turn into a mental grinding wheel. But over the last year I have started to notice some consistency in the way I feel and this has helped me gather the strength to stop, say to myself "this is who I am" and "and this is who I want to be". For example, I have noticed that at nights, after a day of work and "thinking" on and off about the dysphoria and my feelings I am invariably exhausted; but when I wake up in the mornings, I have no doubts, not a single day, not a single doubt....as if when I can put mind to rest, everything clear up and only my true self and true feelings come out...it is hard to explain, I just wake up feeling female, from the moment I start regaining consciousness, in that limbo, I just feel female...and of course it is hard when I fully wake up and realize that I am still in the wrong suit. Looking at myself in the mirror has also become harder...I hate the male side and look for the female side...growing my hair has helped a lot...and now I want to do more
I have been going to therapy for over a year and that has helped me explore things more, lower most of the walls and connect with who I am and how I feel and not be afraid of expressing these things. It allowed me to start dressing in private and then when going to therapy without feeling guilty, and the truth is that when I can do it I feel great, I am not anxious, and most of my worries go away....as if another person, the real me could finally come out. I am finally ready to start my real external transition, but it has been a long road.... My only advise is: No matter how weird it feels, how inconsistent it feels at times, if it comes back to your mind it is for a reason, listen to it and do not be afraid to talk to somebody about it....and explore it. And take your time, do not rush. Getting to know your self is too important to rush through this process. Of course I wish I had done that 20 years ago, but I am glad I have taken the time to explore it and get to know myself, and also allow people around me to learn about it and about how I feel and what I want to do. Yes, there are times when I wish I had done this 20 years ago....but I am still young and it is never to late to take care of things...and the years spent have not been totally lost (I have to beautiful jewels!)...:)
Everyone has a different but similar story..
I can only tell you how I felt.
I knew before puberty and was wearing my moms clothes... wanting lipstick which my parents laughed at so then I learned to hide..
I tried without success to get my boobs to grow but no luck.
Gave up at puberty and lived with it not knowing what was wrong.
You are asking such an important question..
Just because your story is not the same does not mean you are or are not trans.
Since you have these feelings, I would for sure seek some counseling.. not from a church!!
You have the answer inside of you... you just have to find it.
Also for me, when the puberty kicked in and I had to do the naughty.. it was so confusing to me.. I never felt I was the guy in any situation with a woman. I was the girl.
I longed to be the girls with the girls.. Christmas in Elementary school was brutal. All the girls got to wear pretty stuff and I hated my clothing.
I am 56 so imagine I had no internet.. no info
I never felt right as a guy.. but I would not be with a guy.. in a sense I was just in the wrong body and to be with a man would be weird..
Now that I transitioned I love guys.. thats all I ever wanted.. and for me that was part of being a woman.
The key for you is therapy and Susans place can help.. I don't know your background or your parents. But I wish you all the luck in the world.. finding yourself and being just you..
Your young. you have time.. I would be in therapy as soon as i can.
I would just tell my parents, I want to see a therapist about an issue I have.. but at this time don't feel comfy talking about it until i have had some time.
If you go to a christian therapist.. they will say the devil is trying to destroy you..
You need a gender therapist.
If your in OKC OK.. pm me and I could hook you up with a good one.
Love
Keri