Hey everyone :) I've been lurking around here for a while but never signed up until just now. I just want to share my story and I'd love if you could respond whether or not my story is typical. I believe I am transgender. But I think I'm scared.
How it started
Ever since I was around 5-7 years old I had started to dress in girls clothes, my sisters usually, and would pray every night that I would wake up a girl... this went on for quite a while. I remember sitting in the bath and just wishing that magically I would turn into a girl, but soon realized this would never happen. I then would bargain with "god" that if not in this life, then the next life. Sometimes I would dream I was a girl and only to be disappointed when I woke up.
At some point before high school (age 11), I came across a medical book and saw that there was a condition where boys can grow breasts from an hormonal imbalance, and I desperately wanted this to happen to me!! Because then at least I'd have an excuse... and I'd get what I wanted. I realized recently that I always felt uncomfortable in male changing rooms. I always used cubicle in toilets (since forever). Never took my top off in public because I felt too naked and didn't feel right. I also could never identify with some of the things guys would talk about as I grew older. The way they talked about girls.. it never felt right. I never could really fit in with boys or girls... for a long time I felt stuck between the middle? It's very confusing. Although I had quite an unremarkable childhood and no bullying or anything. I was liked by many people and had a lot of friends.
I sometimes felt envious or jealous of girls at school and when I'm out an about. Am I attracted to her or do I want to be her? I never liked guys clothes, never really enjoyed clothes shopping as a guy. But I walk into the girls section of the store and my eyes light up and I'm in heaven lol. I love shoes, I love dresses, I love women's fashion... But it's never been just about that to be honest.. It's about how I see myself, my reflection. The way I want to feel and be treated.
In pictures and in the mirror I dislike a lot of my masculine features, especially the brow ridge and facial hair. I can barely look at it on the side profile in photos (brow ridge). Although it's not actually that bad, my dysphoria makes it worse than it is. I just can't imagine becoming more masculine as I get older, it scares me! Right now I still look at most 'boyish' so I feel this has made it easier. Being referred to as 'Man' doesn't feel nice. Boy still feel more androgynous... and I still look really young, so... I try to look at the positives and that keeps me sane.
I'm kind of fortunate, and it has helped me deal with this issue. When I was was younger people used to ask sometimes if I was a boy or a girl, and I still get it even now at age 31. I get mistaken for being around 19-20 - it's helped that I've taken extremely good care of myself with diet and skincare since I was young. I also have a small body frame like a girl. I have small hands and small feet. I've even gone as far as to measure my 2D:4D digit ratio which comes out in the female range (ratio of 1) lol. My jaw is very feminine, and also I have some fat in my cheeks and have a fairly small head/face. The only really masculine part is the brow ridge; but even that is not excessively bad and maybe hormones could help slightly with that? People always used to think of me as like looking similar to the boys from the band Hanson... I'm referred to as a pretty boy often. People tell me I am pretty and could be a beautiful woman all the time. So my starting position is fairly good I guess... :/ I don't know why I am stopping myself from living how I want... other than feeling like I need to protect my family and not make things hard for everyone.
Funny enough, I even get gendered as female almost daily on the phone at work. I don't even try... but some reason the way I speak comes across as a girl to some people. I speak to people and then at the end when I say my name on the statement I have to read, and some people are like: "but that's a boys name. Are you a boy or a girl?" Even after speaking 15 minutes and not 'trying' to sound like a girl. I get referred to as lady, girl, ma'am on the phone a lot. I've never had a really deep voice, I always thought I sounded boyish, and sometimes slip into female range, slightly. The lady on the phone the other day thought I was a 19-20 year old girl xD She was really surprised... I had to say I was a boy on the phone because the call is recorded and I can't be dealing with explaining myself to supervisor and the lady. But I was secretly very happy :D
People at my previous job told me about my 'feminine ways'. They used to joke around with me that I was like a girl. I think they either thought I was a girl that transitioned to a boy or was actually a girl (trans). I think they were never quite sure. Eventually I just used to tell them I was somewhere in the middle with my gender... that always felt like the easiest way to explain it for a long time. Everyone was cool with it. :) I never specifically told them I wanted to transition to be female though.
More on the dysphoria
It continues to get worse as I get older. Actually, for many years now it's been in my mind every day in some way. Constantly.. it never goes away, ever. No matter what I do. Even when I have distractions, although they can really help hugely, the dysphoria will show itself in my mind even if for a moment. It's now daily and always in my thoughts. I had tried to distance myself for a while but it keeps coming back stronger. I felt that I didn't want to become obsessed over the issue, but regardless, it really does come back strong if I try hard to ignore it long enough. I feel irritable lately, quite confused and a bit down at times. I'm not suicidal though.. I would never give up on life for anything.
Seeing a counsellor
I saw a counsellor back in Dec 2013 and within the first session (1 hour) she didn't have any doubt. She said she could see it herself and was fairly obvious, and told me that my parents might know something. She was ready to recommend that I get referred just after that one appointment... But I said let's keep meeting for a few weeks and see if we can work this out a bit more. I just wanted to take my time and go slow. She said that I sounded really smart, kind and will do the right thing. She thought I was totally of sound mind. = ) I never went on to transition, because I met a girl... and yes, forgot about it again or tried to put it at the back of my mind, but it came back again... and hasn't gone away. I've learned my lesson!
Happier looking feminine
One time, I used my very underdeveloped make up skills, and dressed well.. I covered my forehead somehow by messing around with my hair and I convinced myself I saw a girl look back in the mirror. I cried.... happy tears. It was the first time that I was able to even convince myself...
The more feminine I appear, the happier I am with how I look. The more masculine I look, the more dypshoria I feel. I wished, I prayed, I bargained, I hoped I that I would develop as a girl or one day wake up as one. Surely, no average 'guy' would have thoughts? I can only assume that I am really transgender.
I think my family would be fine with it. I live in the UK, majority of my family and I are not religious. My mum even watches the transgender docs sometimes and thinks that it's totally fine. She really believes that it's about the brain, and some people have the wrong body and doesn't match their brain. My nephews tell me that I'm a girl now lol -- I just poke my tongue out and laugh, I never deny it xD My brother even jokes about me going to Thailand with the lady boys and to become one lol I'm not bothered by his terminology.. but he is also open minded and perhaps sees something already. Also, I have about 6-7 gay 1st and 2nd cousins (female and male), and uncle. But I sure would be a surprise if I came out!!
Thought experiment
If I could just wake up tomorrow as a girl with zero consequences, I would do it 100% with no hesitation.
If someone told me they had a cure for my trans identity, I would decline. I do wish I was born a girl, but I would rather be trans girl, than be born with a more male brain.
There's a ton of stuff I've missed. It's really late and need to sleep. But these are my thoughts I just rolled off the top of my head. I crossdressed for most of my life, I consistently always wanted to be a girl. I don't think I'm confused, I think I am scared and fearful of the reality...
But the question always remains: could I live with this? do I really have to go this far....
I, still very unsure of my own gender, am certainly in no position to tell someone if they are trans or not. But if I have gleaned a few things from your post it is that you would very much like to be a girl, have felt that way for a very long time and quite possibly have only been able to get through these feelings for most of your life because of you're already very feminine appearance.
As another thought experiment, maybe consider how you will feel once you get older, and masculine traits assert themselves more?
Also, it's worth pointing out that you seem to be in a VERY fortunate position whereupon your family would most likely be very supportive of you if you did choose to transition. You don't sound too confused to me either. I think another appointment with a counselor would be a good idea.
Very likely. Seek counseling to learn more about yourself. I didn't recognize what my own feeling were until I was about 30 and it took me until this year (33) to start dealing with it. I wish I had paid attention sooner, but I'm still glad to be able to recognize how I feel now rather than even later in life.
Welcome to Susan's Place. Yes you are transgender but exactly where you fall on the spectrum I don't know because you haven't told us. The fact that you are on this site and questioning your identity tells me you are transgender so a lengthily description wasn't needed for that. What you needed do will depend on if you are a cross dresser, non binary or transsexual. Depending on where you are will determine how much you need to do to feel comfortable with yourself. If you don't have some therapy and alter your life, you will continue to feel uncomfortable. Can you live with the feeling, probably not but only time will tell. You should see a gender therapist and if you haven't already seen it, go to youtube and watch "the transition channel". At this point you need to explore and feel free to ask any questions you might have.
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Hi Free2beMe
I can relate a lot with your story although I was bullied in school. I can remember also bargaining with God and asked him to change me into a girl. I heard the story when I was younger that if you walk underneath a rainbow that you would change genders ;D Boy did I wish for that to happen.
The walking in to a clothing shop having to look at mens clothes and not get excited that I know too well was there yesterday. I walked into a shop and just picked out t-shirts that looked okay it is like whatever all of them is the same it is just the pictures and colours that changes. I remember walking past the woman section that is like 20 times the size of the mens side and my eyes just lid up. All the possibilities all those pretty clothes and I am stuck to t-shirts.
I am also the pretty boy normally and when I was younger mis gendered a lot. I get called baby face a lot. ::) .
Looking at girls and you don't know if you like them or want to be them is also a thing I experience,that girl envy it is a dreadful thing. O my word could I tell you how it floored me in my life.
The main thing is I know I have dysphoria and it got very strong this year I had it bad as a teenager last time. I still don't know if I can get my family back together as dysphoria and depression tore it apart. I am a sucker that will fight dysphoria for my family and not transition.
But in your case you do what is right for you.
Hugs - Amoray
Welcome to Susan's
Your story has many traits, especially the part that if you could wake up as a girl definitely hit the mark, that bit has been with me for most of my life, I'd pray, I'd solicit the devil (in the dark, sleepless nights) but every morning I was still the same... I think I lost faith around that point. Then finally after many, many years of turmoil I found HRT, not quite full time yet, but I am now at peace with myself.
Oh and I think we can all relate to many of the stages through your life... After years of cross dressing and it being "wow if only I could be like this all the time", feeling relief and relaxed in how I looked just ensure that my life's transition was inevitable... Oh I never had sisters, in fact we only had one female in the extended family... So I could never cross dress until I could purchase my own clothing.
Nothing is totally defined in life, you have to feel whether you are happy as you are, or what timeframes or steps would you need to take, work life, Family life, other loved ones....
Good luck in your choices moving forward and is a great intro too...
For me I was in my fifties before HRT came along, now grandkids and a wife who is struggling with what she now knows about me....
Look forward to seeing you around the forums, and once again welcome
L Katy :-*
Thanks for all your responses so far, I really appreciate them. :) This is the first time that I've reached out to a support group / forum, so I'm looking forward to getting to know some of you. :3
QuoteAs another thought experiment, maybe consider how you will feel once you get older, and masculine traits assert themselves more?
This is something that really scares me a lot! The idea of becoming more masculine is horrible, so I try to not think about it otherwise it will send me into a panic. D: My somewhat feminine appearance has also helped hugely. I try to love certain things about myself, like my very long hair. :) Doing this though can only help so much... because of the reasons I stated in my original post. But I tried to focus on the positives when I can... as in, it could be worse mentality... Also I have quite a bit of optimism about the future of medical science.. so this has helped. But lately I realize I can't rely on something that is not certain... I may have to just take a chance...
But yeah, it's helped that people see me sort of looking like a girl. People sometimes will just ask in the street (not when really close) whether I am a boy or a girl. I usually just smile at them and keep walking... And at the moment I don't feel hurt by that because at least I'm not so masculine that I am invisible and the complete opposite of how I feel inside. And these days I mix up girls clothes like skinny jeans and girls sweaters / tops with boys clothes, too. :) Nothing overly feminine, but these additions help a little.
And for me it's never been a question of "if" I will transition, it has always been "when" in my mind. This mindset has never changed since I was younger. My primary concerns right now are for family and also my own safety. I don't think my family will disown me or anything. I think living at home though has stopped me progressing down this path... And that's why I am working hard right now and saving to become financially secure.
Quote
it took me until this year (33) to start dealing with it. I wish I had paid attention sooner, but I'm still glad to be able to recognize how I feel now rather than even later in life.
Thanks Daisy. That's great that you're finally starting to accept and do something. :)
@Dena: Definitely not just a crossdresser.. I don't identify with that at all. I am transgender, but I guess it's just figuring out if I need to transition. I can say for certain that it's getting worse as I get older. And even trying to suppress it again the last year or so, it has come back stronger... It's clearly not something I can get away from or cure by ignoring it.
QuoteThe main thing is I know I have dysphoria and it got very strong this year I had it bad as a teenager last time. I still don't know if I can get my family back together as dysphoria and depression tore it apart. I am a sucker that will fight dysphoria for my family and not transition.
Hi Amore! :) I read your story on here a few days ago and thought I could relate a bit, especially to your way of thinking. I do hope that you can figure things out and everything works out and you're happy in the end. I am the same that I will try my hardest to put others first before myself... Although I have commitments or anything, no wife, no kids, I am free and single.
Funny story with my last ex though... when we got into a little bit of an argument towards the end, she would try to insult me by saying how much of a girl I was. How I was the *perfect little princess* (with sarcasm I might add). And how much I go on like a woman. lol. Looking back on it is more amusing now... :p I've always been quite emotional and cry at anything lol
It seems that all my life others (not everyone) has seen something different about me. Whether asking if I was gay, bi, or if I was really a girl. People saw something... but it was only in the last few years that I found others like me who transitioned.
Back in the 90s all I saw was trashy talk shows and those on that show I couldn't really relate to. It sort of made me feel ashamed? or want to hide it... but the more relaxed I am with people, the more my real self comes out. That seems to be the case anyway.
Hi Katrina.
Yes, I would make all kinds of bargains too. I would pray all the time. At one time I thought it was a terrible joke and that one day I would wake up as a girl. I would sit in the bath for ages and want to change so much and want to be like other girls. At that time, even before puberty, I wanted this to happen. I just never knew how it could happen... or if it was ever possible. I never knew there were others like me for a long time... ;/
Thank you, I hope your situation also works itself out as well.
With everything being said, I do believe there is a much brighter future for everyone in the trans community. The progress I've seen is amazing, and it's encouraged me to come out a bit to close friends (everyone is totally accepting).
I came across this video a few months ago, and when I watched it I teared up a bit... because I can relate to almost everything she said. She describes me almost perfectly... My mouth was also like :o
Have you seen it?
Are you transgender? Male to Female/MtF Part 2
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfXQxn98Q6I
I often recommend people look at "the transition channel" of which that is a part of the series. You should also view the one about transsexualism to determine if you are interested in surgery. I didn't suggest it for you because you appeared to be beyond the point of needing it and I attempt to target my suggestions toward the area of need instead of just shotgunning it. The material in the videos is the same material I received in group therapy 35 years ago and when somebody else mentioned it here, I reviewed it and made it part of my tool box. That information is what made my transition possible even though I had 5 years of therapy before that.
Free2beME, At the end of your original post you ask the question "could I live with this ?". I think you should be asking yourself "do I want to live with this? ". Yes you can try and live with it but the feelings your having will always be there , running in the background of your mind. You can try and deny them and try to push the feelings away with distractions, but the feelings will remain. I guess I'm trying to tell you don't do like me. I denied and distracted until I'm 58 years old and now I've finally found the strength to really deal with being transgendered. To the outside world I had the guy act down pat, inside I've been destroying myself for years. Don't wait until your a sad old fake guy like I had become or you have a wife and family to further complicate things. Find yourself a GOOD gender therapist to help you find the path forward that works for YOU. Best of luck on your journey.
Thank you, Dena. I did check out all the videos on that channels again. I really liked it the first time I watched them, but it was good to go back and see them again. =) The idea of surgery - any for that matter - scares me quite a bit. Although, SRS is something that I would want eventually, I just don't know how long in the future. One of my concerns is the methods used today, in 2015. I'd like to see what kind of progress we see in the next 5-10 years. I'm still relatively young. But my thoughts on that issue could change...
@lostcharlie It feels like it's constantly there at a low level, even with the distractions. Although sometimes it's painful... it's a very hard to explain... the discomfort associated with gender dysphoria. I know that you all know what I mean, but explaining it can be difficult. I'll make sure I make small positive steps foward at my own pace. Looking back, I have done just that actually. I told my therapist that I wanted to explore a more androgynous style and look. I started to wear clothing from the girls section in public, among other things. I felt at the time of my last sessions with the counsellor that I hadn't explored these options enough, but I have more recently... And the answer seems to be no, it's not enough. I'm not confused about my gender or what I want. ;/ I've always known what I've wanted... I'm not planning on growing old though xD one of my main interests is in ageing acutally... I have many friends working in that field to reverse it. =) But anyway, I will do that, I will find a therapist and explore these feelings again. Thank you :angel:
Oh, and today I was referred to as "she" by my father. He doesn't know anything about my gender dysphoria, but for some reason that came out of his mouth. I was a bit stunned lol... I never said anything, but my mum pointed it out... and then we just carried on talking xD
I receive my surgery in 1982 and it had already evolved from several steps to one or two. There was a revision to mine that I never bothered with because it was more cosmetic that functional. I have been learning about the modern version of the surgery on this site and short of growing something in the lab, they are pretty refined today. There are several variations and it's mostly a question of how do you want it to work. For me the surgery allowed me to put the last of the old life behind me and finish moving in to the new life. You may not feel the urgency I did and that's fine. The transition should move at the pace you feel comfortable.