Trigger Warning
This January will mark two years since I took out a life insurance policy. Meaning that the "suicide clause" or so its called will no longer be valid and the benefits will be awarded even if I take my own life, which I plan to do next month.
This isn't some rash, emotional, spur-of-the moment decision. This is something that I have carefully considered and planned for a long time now. I know I'm selfish and that I'm a coward, but I've accepted that. I never had the courage or strength to be my true self, but for years I thought I could stay in the closet and still be happy, maybe not even happy, but at least content enough to function and live a normal life. I was wrong.
I have already made my decision on this matter, but what I'm still undecided on is whether or not I want to come out to my family. I have been contemplating whether or not to leave a letter explaining that I'm trans, and why exactly I decided to take my life. Part of me feels like they deserve to know the truth, but I also don't want to drop another bombshell on them in addition to the grief my death will cause. Now obviously I'd be dead, so I wouldn't face any consequences from outing myself, but I feel that it would make it worse for them to discover that so much of what they thought they knew about their child was a lie.
I think you really need to go to a hospital and tell them what your telling us.
Please seek help, suicide is never the answer. :'(
Rachel,
Where there's life, there's hope. I'm guessing you're in your early 20's. Dang, I wish I wash that young now in this culture where so much more is understood and so much more help available instead of being 60. But I still have hope to be able to transition - and you should too. At your age transition would be so much more effective.
Please call Trans Lifeline 877-565-8860. It's run by trans-people for trans-people.
Know that here at Susan's we care about you. Get the help you need and stay with us.
Hugs,
Traci
Having myself once been at the point of taking my life - suicide note written and knife poised in hand - I realised that there had to be a better way. And of course there was. And so there is for you too, you just can't see it because your too deep in your own upset. Please contact a hospital and tell them that you are planning self harm and would like help. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, you may believe you have nothing to live for but you would be wrong. :)
You don't know me and I have only been on Susan's for about 6 months but I am a future that almost wasn't. Spring of 1974 I stood in the bathroom of my parents house with a razor blade in my hand and the depression had built to the point that life wasn't worth living. I was inches away from from ending my life when the thought crossed my mind that there was a possible solution that I hadn't tried. I decided that if medicine couldn't help me, I could always come back and finish the job. I put the razor blade down and started making plans to come out. The transition wasn't easy in those days and I went through 3 therapist, moved 400 miles from home spending 8 years in the process before I received surgery in July of 1982. In my new role as a woman I have never regretted the decision for treatment and even through the worst of times that I have faced, the depression I faced never returned. Most of the time I am happy to be alive and there is joy in most everything I do.
Yes you should tell the family and you should tell them you have been in pain for years and treatment is the only way you will get better. It will be hard work and there will be set backs but like me, there is a new life waiting for you if you are willing to seek it. We will do everything we can to get you the care you need but there is a far better option than the one you are considering and help could be much closer than you think.
Accept our offer of help and there could be a new life waiting for you.
This thread offers you to explore options other than the one you are considering. Feel free to ask me any questions about me and you will not offend me. You have only been on the board a few hours, not nearly long enough to explore even a small fraction of the board. There is much to consider and much you don't know but we are here to help you with that. Don't worry about being off topic, just ask a question or tell us more about yourself.
Rachel,
Please listen to Dena's story - she has found a way to live again, you can too.
Hugs and prayers your way!
Love,
Denali
focus on the joy that dressing and feeling fem does for you. just the pleasure. When your gone that pleasure is gone, and all those that loved you and cared for you will be heartbroken, because NOTHING you could do is worth killing your self over.
Please take the advice of everyone above and keep on living. Life is too amazing to end before its time.
Merry Christmas
Bobbi
Big hug! Please don't catch that train. We need you around. You know, the best way to feel better is to help someone else. Why don't you commit yourself to helping others instead of doing what you have planned?
Hugs, Devlyn
Rachel, it is not fair to your family, who most likely never recover from your death. They will anguish with where they failed. How come they did not see it coming? Why did my child do this? Every missed holiday, birthday and special occasion will be sad. Insurance money is a poor replacement for you.
No way out. You can not possibly do what you need to do to be free of the torment. It is too much to think about and it hurts. It hurts every day, every hour of the day and every minute of every hour.
You can see a gender therapist and if you decide go on HRT. Give yourself a chance to accept who you are. A beautiful woman that wants to be yourself. If you can take your life you can give yourself life, a new life. Give yourself a chance. It takes time for HRT to make physical changes. Time you can learn to love who you are becoming. Time to figure out your future. Time to plan your transition. Transition is slow and takes patience and time.
I can not promise you an easy path. Give yourself a chance to be happy. Give your family a chance to accept you. You will be surprise how many people that will support you.
Rachel
Please talk to someone.
I've been there. It's intense, but please talk to someone. Anyone. I was there. In May. Had the plan and everything. You don't know me. I don't know you, but if you need to PM me, do it. Even if you have to sleep on it. There's some great advice here.
Please hang in there....
Please talk to someone and know that everyone here loves you including myself.
This book has been really helpful for me in the past and in the present.
https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/55233845/Kate%20Bornstein%20-%20Hello_Cruel_World.pdf
Rachel I really hope you read these post. Believe me it hurts bad, everyone here has been there. I was there a month ago myself, while doing the dishes at home alone I reached for a knife and thought how easy it would be to finally be rid of the hurt, but some voice in my head told me as long as you draw breath there is hope for a new day. Since then I have started seeing a therapist and making plans for the future. That's the important part the future always keep that in focus. I also try to stop by Susan's place here and read the stories from others going through what I'm going through, that helps me to remember I am not alone. You are a unique person please don't let that uniqueness disappear from the world, It would be sorely missed.
I had set a date, last June, was ready to go. Had decided two months in advance how to do it, what I was going to spend my last week doing, wrote a note, made arrangements for my things, had it all worked out. And then something unexpected happened. My life got better. Would I say that the thought hasn't crossed my mind since? No, because it has. But I remember that when I was at the absolute lowest point of my existence thus far, things did get better. And I found out that I wasn't alone.
I had a date with the grim reaper last week and I kicked him in the nuts. I made my appointment and said this is it I'm done I can't take this crap anymore! The pain got too much and I drank poison. I wanted too die I wanted to end the pain and I thought I would do everyone a favour by doing this thing. I went to the hospital and they pulled me through.
I sat there while I was recovering and I started taking stock of my life. I have a two year old daughter a wife that wants to divorce me. A family that is accepting of me being trans but not happy with it. But then I realised what my death would have done to them. My father gave me a hug and told me he would rather have me as a daughter than put flowers on the grave of his son.
You are going to make your pain their pain. What bothers me is you did not even come out to them yet you are only basing your current plans on assumptions.What if they are really accepting and you ended up killing yourself before they could have gotten to know you and help you. Imagine the grief and pain that you are leaving behind then.
I don't know if you are seeing a therapist but I would strongly recommend one.They will guide you through the process of coming out to family.
Please don't do something stupid.
Hugs love and stay strong
If someone did a poll on transgender and suicide,they would find out 99% of us have contemplated suicide. I was there also and realized it wouldn't be fair to the trucker if I went through with it, I was gonna pull a jax from sons of anarchy and go head on into a 18 wheeler, I was 17,now I'm 50 and for 33yrs I've found life is for living not dying. Being transgender is not the end but the beginning of a new chapter in life but you have too take control instead of letting it control you.
Don't do it pwease we all love you and we all have our problems maybe one of us can help you?
Sent from my Fire Phone using Tapatalk
I appreciate your concern but quite frankly my decision is set in stone at this point.
Transition is not a realistic option for me. I'm afraid I would only be solving one problem and gaining a bunch of new ones. I would lose everything. Family, friends, employment, financial security, my hopes and dreams for the future. Everything. I'm not mentally strong enough to endure that.
I have come to the realization over the years that I could never be happy as I am now, but I also know I would not want to live a life of loneliness, extreme poverty, and fear of violent discrimination every day.
Like I said before, what I am still undecided on is whether or not to out myself to my family post-mortem. Discovering that I was trans in addition to my death would probably make their grief even worse, but I also don't want them to have to wonder for the rest of their lives why I made the decision that I did. I suppose I could come up with a fake reason for my suicide like general depression, but even that would be a shock to them because as far as they know I've always been normal and happy.
I just don't want to hurt my family any more than necessary. I really wish I could make my death look like an accident.
I guess I could also word the question this way: If you were in the closet, and learned that you only had a month to live, would you come out? Would you want your loved ones to know the real you, or to ultimately remember you as they always had?
I'm not going to answer whether or not you should tell your family anything. If you don't tell them, they will wonder what happened for the rest of their lives and forever live with the grief of wondering if there was something they could have done. If you do tell them they will wonder why you didn't at least try to come out to them in your lifetime and forever live with the grief of wondering if there was something they could have done.
If your main concern is your family, the last thing you should be doing is contemplating suicide.
Please. We love you. THEY love you. Reconsider.
Quote from: RachelG on December 22, 2015, 02:18:41 PM
I appreciate your concern but quite frankly my decision is set in stone at this point.
Transition is not a realistic option for me. I'm afraid I would only be solving one problem and gaining a bunch of new ones. I would lose everything. Family, friends, employment, financial security, my hopes and dreams for the future. Everything. I'm not mentally strong enough to endure that.
I have come to the realization over the years that I could never be happy as I am now, but I also know I would not want to live a life of loneliness, extreme poverty, and fear of violent discrimination every day.
Like I said before, what I am still undecided on is whether or not to out myself to my family post-mortem. Discovering that I was trans in addition to my death would probably make their grief even worse, but I also don't want them to have to wonder for the rest of their lives why I made the decision that I did. I suppose I could come up with a fake reason for my suicide like general depression, but even that would be a shock to them because as far as they know I've always been normal and happy.
I just don't want to hurt my family any more than necessary. I really wish I could make my death look like an accident.
I guess I could also word the question this way: If you were in the closet, and learned that you only had a month to live, would you come out? Would you want your loved ones to know the real you, or to ultimately remember you as they always had?
You are basing your life on a view in the rearview mirror.
You can not look at the future through the rearview mirror.
It is anticipating things will go on as they used to do.
But they do not.
Look what happened the last few years.
There are transgender models on the first page of magazines.
Gay marriage is common, a thing even a few years ago people said is not possible.
Worldwide people in BRICS countries demand peaceful solutions and equal sharing of resources...
as Ghandhi said... there is enough for everyones needs but not everyones greed...
well people and countries demand peaceful and fair solutions...
look at dropping prices of commodities and gas, a complete impossibility in times of more and more printed paper money...
this is the first time in recorded history... there are people trying to fix the economy, and there are more and more people waking up...
the phase now will not last forever, it will get better eventually... its an exponential development, and its not stoppable. The internet makes people educated... as someone said, a mind once stretched by a new idea never regains its original dimensions...
I see things getting better eventually... as someone said, the future will be bright...
hold on and take it one more day, one more week, one more month...
it will get better, and look for the roses along the way... there are small things that can be enjoyed... like the sun on the skin... they just have to be consciously seen...
and nobody gets more than they can chew... find a way, keep on dreaming... there will be a way to realize your dreams eventually...
you see there are others in similar situations... well there was a way eventually...
have hope, have some dreams...
big *hugs*
Quote from: RachelG on December 22, 2015, 02:18:41 PM
Transition is not a realistic option for me. I'm afraid I would only be solving one problem and gaining a bunch of new ones. I would lose everything. Family, friends, employment, financial security, my hopes and dreams for the future. Everything. I'm not mentally strong enough to endure that.
Babe, you have quite a crystal ball there.
I did not have an easy road and as a friend called me, I'm still a "baby trans" but there has been a lot of good with the bad.
I may never talk to my dad again. Ever.
Some of my friends have said the most hateful things.
But you know what?
I'm happy as myself. I'm natural. I'm ME.
My fear about job prospects and employment has been overblown. Work not only loves me and wants me to stay, I get offers pouring in.
Even my dating life has good prospects.
In the end the peace away from constant pounding of feeling incongruent with my own body is priceless.
The lesson here is that there is always hope.
Consider the practical aspect - if you kill yourself now, would people have known the authentic you? Nope. They would have known him, and him only. That, to me, is a net loss.
Seriously, don't do it. Call a lifeline. Hell, talk to me if you want. If you want some good practical advice as in how to get your transition rolling, people here are more than happy to help...
I understand saying your decision is set in stone but you still have a few days to talk with us and what if we come up with a solution where you can have it all? Susan's is a very special place where others are facing pretty much the same decision that your are. They are unable to transition for one reason or another but they have found a way to live in their birth gender but still remove the pain from their life. A treatment need not end in a full transition or surgery and if you are motivated enough, there are other solutions.
What is causing you the discomfort in your life is the testosterone in your system. If it is eliminated, your discomfort can be greatly reduced. This can be accomplished with drugs we call blockers. They result chemical castration without the feminizing effects. They are normally used in treatment to make the opposite genders sex hormones more effective but they can be given by themselves or with a low dose of the opposite genders sex hormones. We have several people who have used this approach to remain in the male role without a transition. Depending on where you live, it may be easy to access this type of treatment.
You need to be very careful what you read on the internet because the transition rarely destroys your life. Professionally I am a computer programmer and have worked at it before and after my transition. I not only paid for my medical care, but I own a house and have retirement savings. I still share time with my family and I never have been assaulted physically or verbally. There is a thread on this site I may dig up latter where people list their professions and many of the people are in responsible high paying jobs after their transition or while they are still in the process.
I have had others close to me pass away several times. My father, brother and a roommate I have known for over 30 years are among the the others. Death is never easy for the living and the thought comes to mind all the time "if only I could have". Not knowing and knowing but not having the opportunity to make a difference in your life will leave your family with just as much pain. You have a simple birth defect. You were born to be the way you are and nothing can change that. It isn't a personal weakness and the only way to cure it is medical intervention of some form. If you explain this to your family and they are as loving as you think, they will accept you and help you get better. If they reject you, you will have a clear conscious. This is far more than you will have by going to your death because the money will be a very poor replacement for you in a loving family.
Your final question is loaded. If I had no control over my death, of course I wouldn't tell them but that's not true of you. In your case, I would want the family to have the option of accepting or rejecting me for what I am. If they accept me for what I am, I would have a far richer life. If they were to reject me, it's their problem and not mine. I also made this decision for my self many years ago before coming out. I decided if my family totally rejected me, I would continue to live and seek treatment. My family didn't reject me and I have family, a comfortable life, people accept me for who I am and I enjoy getting out of bed each day to see what the new day has to offer.
Take the time you have left to explore the other options we offer. Susan't isn't a place that offers only one solution and it's very possible we can offer you a long and happy life.
what would happen if you came out to your family and they supported you unquestionably?
what if they said they all knew something was going on but didn't push the topic, but were happy that you finally felt comfortable enough to tell them and that they would be there to support you in the future?
For your consideration. What others do for a living
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194299.0.html
RachelG you have a merry Christmas and stay safe. Don't do anything rash.
Hugs, Katie
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I decided that I won't be telling anyone anything. Its better that way.
I hope you've also decided to get some support and not harm yourself. Things may seem bleak and impossible right now but you can move through it on to something better.
There's always hope Rachel. We care about you even though we only know you from a few posts here.
Thoughts and prayers with you -
Love,
Denali
if you don't mind me asking , how old are you ?
Rachel, you must know if you have spent much time here, and it looks like you have, that there are many of us that were suicidal at one point. Many of us have found ourselves and are living a life filled with hope now. Why did you want to tell us this? Because if you want us to try to get you to grab a lifeline we are sure willing to do so.
It is not true that no one cares or that no one loves you as you are.
Love,
Denali
Rachel, you've already mapped out your intent well before your two year anniversary date. Start counting again. Another two years. Evidence has a habit of hanging about. No matter what you do, they'll find this reason to deny your benefit. Sorry.
Besides, we'd like you to hang around and get to know us. We'd like to get to know you as well. Many of us have been where you are. Give life a chance. K?
Cindi
I remember when I was 22 , I was a heavy drug abuser . I ended up in the hospital for an overdose, The only reason I didn't die was because I went to a bar after overdosing and went down and they got me to the hospital just on time. I had a bad habit of overdosing when I was between 19 and 23. I almost died a few times. I'm thankful I didn't die because even though I've had a hard life there have been moments that have made it worth while.
RachelG,
You are 22 and have so much to live for. I know how bad dysphoria is and Dena is right the T is the issue and low dose E can allow you to live and thrive.
The group I go to has a lot of members. When a new member comes and finally opens up they usually express how ashamed they are about attempting suicide. One of us will ask the group how many of us attempted suicide and we all raise our hands. The method you chose will be quick, painless and you will be unable to be brought back to life after 45 seconds. You will never know what could be ahead for you. I know men and woman your age that could only see their life better gone then living, They trusted those that wanted to help them and many are happy or at least working through the issues.
You owe it to yourself to try. See a gender therapist and if HRT is what you need then give it a chance. Give yourself the time to accept yourself and realize being trans is a curable birth defect.
If where you live is difficult for trans then move to an accepting place. If your family will not accept you then set boundaries and hold them accountable. If you explore who you really are you may just find a wonderful woman that just needs you to give yourself a chance.
Rachel
This is the only thing I can say to you He who runs away lives to fight anther day so live one more day
Hi RachelG. I was in a similar situation like yours only a few months ago. Except my reasoning was abandonment and I tried to overdose on panadol. Because I spoke to the people on this website I went to seek help. Afterwards my Mum and Dad met me at the hospital and we had a long heart to heart conversation. We are so much closer as a family now. I am not going to tell you what to do but I hope you get through this. ^-^ and we are here for you.
There is something that has been rolling around in my mind since christmas.
I have shown that employment isn't a problem, you will not live in poverty. Society will accept you as shown by many of us transitioning to a new life. I know you have a good deal of fear but if you face it, it quickly passes. The only reason for doing this is the family and that's where the problem is.
You wish to leave a large amount of money to care for the family but if the family accepts you as many do, they would rather have you than the money.
If the family would reject you, why do you wish to leave them all the money?
You wanted to know if you should tell them, yes, while you are still alive. If they accept you, there is no reason to take your life. If they reject you go and live the life you were meant to live from the time of your birth.
There is nothing wrong with you that you need to apologize to anyone for or take your life for. Make the decision to live and see if you can find the joy of life that we feel.
If compelled to respond in an honest, realistic, and proactive manner, how would you answer this question, "What would need to change for you not to kill yourself?"
Also, so I can answer your question, could you tell us what would happen if your family knew you are transgender?
I'm locking this topic.
Further discussion can be sent to me if need be
Cindy