I never thought I would ever make this post however I am.
I am actually starting to accept that I am actually trans.
For 34 years I have tried to conform and have done all I can to repress any feelings of femininity. However I have recently started to come to a few conclusions.
I was born this way. Its not my fault.
I can't keeping up an act of being someone on the outside but not being who I really feel on the inside.
The best thing I ever did was ring a support line. It has given me the little bit of strength I needed to seek help.
Hi Delyth,
I am so happy to see that you started accepting your real self. I was in a similar position like you and was even thinking that I was sick, because of my difference between my body and my gender identity. Acting like a girl in school was considered deviant and sick behavior and most guys who were to some extent feminine were also tagged gay boys in small town I was raised.
I am actually 35. I had repressed my gender identity since early childhood. It was most of the time easy to control, but things went worse when I tried somewhere around 2012 to become a "real" masculine man and started weights lifting. I've lost about 110lbs and tried to make some muscle mass to be more attractive for women I am sexually attracted to. I thought that it was the only thing that was missing in order to get in a serious relationship. When I dated before I could never think of myself as a man dating a woman, but preferred to date a woman as a woman dates a woman. In the same time every time I looked in to the mirror, a chubby man showed his face at me. Well, I sort of achieved my first goal of loosing weight and being fit, but my face changed from bad to worse - looking like a ghost with a muscular and thin face looking manly, but in an ugly way that I didn't want it to be. My dysphoria and depression made me very introverted. I started to visit restaurants with transphobic and homophobic friends and their transphobia made me even more depressed. In the end of July I've stopped any contacts with these people, after I started experiencing suicidal thoughts. I visited a gender therapist and shortly got a YES for a visit to an endo. In the end of October I started my transition on a conservative dose of HRT and now my depression is gone and I am finally able to look in to the future and not get scared of what is awaiting me.
I wish you good luck and bright days in the New 2016 Year and hope that you will keep being strong as transitioning.
Delyth, I'm so very happy to see your starting to accept yourself. We have all been there and gotten to that point where we discover living the lie we were before wasn't possible anymore. Your right, it isn't your fault or anyones fault that we are trans. it's who we are. I'm so glad you called the support line that was huge step to help you move forward. I look forward to seeing how things go for you. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah