So I go over to see my dad on the way home from work yesterday. The past month seemed to be going along well and he seemed to be working on accepting, then wham! Last night turned down a road that is destructive for me and one that I have worked through over decades to release. He tried to take me back to when I was a teenager, where he held sway over how I could be. When I refused the invite, things got ugly in a hurry.
It now appears that there is a very toxic element there that I do not really want to return to. I find myself having to accept that the opportunity for he and I to mend anything may be passed. There are some seriously challenging emotions in all of this that I am now faced with addressing. Sadness, anger and confusion over what feels like an impending loss. There is also an understanding that I have a choice in front of me for moving forward as my own woman with my own life, even if he is not there to witness my growth.
I am usually upbeat because that is the way I want to be. Doing what I can to keep myself on the positive side of the scales. I cannot control his feelings, so I must create a boundary that he will either accept or reject...but that choice is his to make. Uuugh. In the end, this too shall pass and it will be alright. The pain will make me stronger as I refuse to let it swamp me. This is my truth and that is a decision to live.
Please don't feel bad about your father. I spent 52 years in the closet and in denial, trying to be the man my father wanted me to be. He never knew that I was trans -- I never really came out to him, other than saying something about wanting to be a girl back when I was 7 years old. That would have been in 1970 or therabouts. You can guess how that went.
I spent most of my adulthood presenting metrosexual before that was a thing, buying a lot of men's clothes in West Hollywood. So I am sure that dad kind of suspected what was going on. And I am sure that that was a big part of why he extorted me out of getting a teaching credential after college and pressured me into moving back into his house and going to law school. It gave him more control over me and stopped me from becoming economically independent at a younger age. And he offered to pay my law school loans after law school (an offer I could not say no to) More strings, more leverage. And a ten year marriage to someone totally wrong for me just to give him grandchildren, in order to shut him up. All through law school and afterward, he was pressuring me to date, and to find someone to marry.
FWIW, trying to be the man he wanted did not make him any nicer to me. He was still passive aggressive, controlling, invasive, creepy, stalker like, critical, derisive, insulting, and generally unpleasant toward me while my younger brother and sister got the royal treatment.
Six years ago dad had a massive stroke, and now he is bedridden and in a facility. I spent five years having fights with him inside my head before I finally came out to myself and my wife -- which decisively ended ten years of high blood pressure and a lifetime of panic attacks.
My point is, things would not necessarily be better if you had not come out. I tried that road and only ended up hurting myself in the long run.
It sounds like it was very upsetting for you, Katherine. Maybe give it a few days for the dust to settle and that may give you a clearer perspective on what you want to do and where you want to go with him.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, as an adult. The days of being under your parents' thumb should be over and this is your life, not theirs.
I had problems with my father too. Not trans problems, just issues with his attitude. The guy was absent from 95% of my life but still thinks I have some kind of obligation to him for donating a sperm. Until he fixes his attitude and starts to act with some maturity, I have nothing to say to him.
You can demand respect from your parents too. They should be showing some basic human decency but in my experience they sometimes can't get over this idea they are higher and better than you because you were once their child and can't bring themselves to display some human decency or respect for your choices. You always have the choice to go your own way, that's what we were all meant to do... or we'd never experience growing up.
Kaitylynn, I am sorry this happened to you. Setting up boundaries is a healthy way of dealing with the pain that others can inflict upon us. I hope he realizes what he is losing. We are here for you if you need us.
Thank you, each! This weekend has found me surrounded by most of my closest friends which has helped immensely. I appreciate the support here as well. I keep repeating, "this too shall pass" and while painful, I am strong and will make it through.
A positive is that now I know where he truly stands right now. I will give him his space and let him work through his feelings and issues. That will give me the space to work through my energies there as well.
I'm 58. I just came out at Thanksgiving. What finally gave me the freedom to come out? My father's gone and we had to put my mother who has advancing Alzheimer's in a 24-hour, locked facility on advice of her caregivers for her own protection. That was last Spring. I can't explain it exactly but when I heard that lock click into place at that facility and knew for sure that my mother could never ever get out again and hurt me it brought back all my lifelong, suppressed, transgender feelings. It was like a river had suddenly been unleashed. For the first time I was able to confront vague, amorphous, generalized, undefined fear. Yet fear so strong it was on the level of fight or flight level panic fear, that something terrible would happen if anyone ever found out that I was feminine. The woman is so toxic and I couldn't even face it until that lock sprung into place at her facility last Spring. So now the cat's out of the bag and the jig's up. And you know what? Nothing bad happened. I am now free to work on my feminization goals in my own way at my own pace. Can't put the toothpaste back in the tube and I don't have any desire to do so. It's so much easier being my true self.
kaitylynn,
I was hidden for over 40 years until recently and my father (who is gone now) really never new
who I really was. I think he suspected but we never brought the subject up. He was a tough world war
II vet but still had a very good heart. Now I wish I could share myself with him .. I think he could love
me the way my mother does now as a woman .. but of course that is no longer possible. I very much
understand your pain as my relationship with my father growing up was difficult and at times traumatic.
I hope you are able to somehow make amends .. If not it's you that matters.
Lots of hugs,
Kath