For myself 2015 has been a pretty good year - quite a few bumps along the way but overall my friendships (in life, at work and at Susan's) and my awesome mother have really helped me ride over those and arrive at 2016 in better shape than when I entered 2015. 2016 will mark my 50th year on planet Earth, quite scary really - I sure don't feel "fifty" (whatever that is meant to feel like)... it's strange since I also feel like I'm only just starting to live.
Can I share something deeply personal from my first attempt at transition? It was winter 1990, I had been having a terrible evening; I was 20 months on HRT, I was out as "Julie" with friends and had tried to dress girly in jeans, etc and, for my efforts, had been misgendered left, right and centre. I hated myself, hated the world, I went home crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep wanting to die. That night I dreamed of myself as this radiantly happy person - probably 35-ish - huge smile, long hair, a bit andro looking. I still remember it quite vividly. When I woke I took it as a hugely positive sign that "everything would be OK" if I could just make it to 35. Only 10 years to go!!
I put in a a fair bit of personal work - stopped my transition, stopped HRT, got involved in yoga, spirituality, natural living, shiatsu massage, psychotherapy... the works. Somewhere along the line I somehow stopped being a fearful self pitying child and became an adult who could make their way in the world. Yes, at my core I still wished I was a woman, but I was trying to make do, struggling but moving forward because I had hope that when I was 35-ish it would all be OK. 35 came and went and I have to say it was a bit of a let down because, even though I was much happier than I had been ten years earlier, it still didn't hold a light to that dream. I was still not that person in that dream.
So I pushed on... maybe when I was 40? 45? There was always that hope - it would get me to the next point but my life just wasn't gelling. Then something happened when I was almost 47 that forced me to realise I was still deeply unhappy, that I had been spiralling into it over the past 15 years or so... and my gender identity and dysphoria was the core reason for that. I had to struggle a bit further. Fortunately all that personal work I did in my 20s and 30s allowed me to process it a lot quicker than I might have been able to without it... I was able to accept that I was transgender, that there was nothing wrong with being transgender, that I could be who I knew I was if I had the courage and energy and the support I needed.
Anyway, this is getting a lot longer than I intended, I guess my long winded point is that, after jumping through the hoops, restarting my transition and taking it further than I ever could in my 20s I realise that I have now finally reached the point in my life where I am that happy, radiant person that I dreamed myself as all those years ago. I was right to hope that I would get here eventually, I just had to accept myself first.
Speaking as a member (and moderator) of this site I have to say I struggle the most when I see people going through similar situations to my first attempt at transition. It's pretty triggering but I still try my best to help. The doubt, the self-hatred, the fear... being unable to accept being transgender because it all seems too much or too horrible to contemplate. If this is you now I feel for you, I really do. All I can say is that it can get better. But it needs you to believe in yourself, it needs you to hope and see that it can be better, it needs you to have courage and spirit and passion and self respect and tenacity, and more than anything it needs you to accept yourself.
Easier said than done I know. But you're here, support is just a post away. Let's make 2016 the year of self-acceptance. :)
Grace, your an inspiration. You have grown so much over this year as you have made it through different things in your life. Time has a way of getting by us. I planned on getting back to it quickly yet it took me longer too. Your sharing those past experiences, even when triggering, really is one of the reasons why your such a good moderator. Hugs and I hope your 2016 is better than 2015 was. Hugs
Mariah
Grace,
Thank you for being you :-*
Happy new year, Grace!
What an awesome post, and what you say is the straight truth.
Time for me to think about what self acceptance really means.
Thank you Grace
I wish you the best for 2016.
I am one of those struggling people but I hope between you wonderful people and my therapist things will become clear and get direction.
I am late 20's and maybe I am afraid of being my true me and leaving the known behind.
hugs
Grace I would believe you were 35 in your picture and i am always inspired by your upbeat posts I hope to get to somewhere near where you are some day
bobbisue :)
A beautiful and inspirational post.
Thank You Grace
Thanks folks. I really believe that self acceptance (for everyone, not just trans people) is a deeply personal journey. What works for me most likely won't work for someone else. Even so, we learn some things about ourselves in the process that we might not like very much... habits, beliefs and attitudes that need to change or go altogether. A lot of the pain we feel comes from fighting that process, we want to hang on to things even if they hurt us, letting go can be terrifying.
I am happy for you Grace. I agree you are an inspiration and a role model.
I have learned a lot from your posts and journey, thank you.
congrats on a good life
Your multiple attempts to present as your true self and then finally making it are quite inspirational and have likely positively influenced many people. I would say transitioning to full-time womanhood is the single most comprehensive, difficult, challenging, and life-altering event I've ever done. From what I can tell, this is probably the case for most trans women. xx
It's great to hear that you've come to accept yourself and be a better, stronger, and happier person for it. I'm hoping to come to a similar understanding of myself this year, whatever I am, so your story is really an inspiration to me.
Hope this year goes well for you.
Quote from: stephaniec on January 01, 2016, 06:39:58 PM
congrats on a good life
Thanks, although I hope my post didn't come across as a brag or anything. I certainly believe I've got it reasonably good, all things considered...although they could certainly be better in many areas but some of that is up to me and some of that is probably out of my hands. Such is the fickle nature of life! I guess I was just trying to reflect on how I had once been in a fairly miserable place, a hope that it could/would get better kept me hanging in there but self acceptance got me to a totally different place. Sorry if it seemed like I was fishing for compliments.
It didn't come across as a brag in any way!
I think this is a lovely and empowering post. For me, 2016 is the year of living shamelessly. At the root, very similar.
Self acceptance is at the heart of being a trans person in any way or manner. Reading others finding of this is why I come to Susan's. Congratulations on your year. Mine has not been so good but I feel a change on the horizon.
X
😃
Grace, I loved your post. It gives me hope and inspiration for the this new year.
and you look absolutely wonderful and certainly not 50
All the best,
Kath
Hi Sheila! I moved your post!
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=201910.0
More people will see it there! :)
Thanks Grace - your post means a lot to me. Thank you for your willingness to take the time and be vulnerable enough to share from your heart your life experience. I certainly need the inspiration you provided. I hope to share more of my story here too when the time is right.
^-^
Denali
Grace,
Like so many others I am inspired, awed and feel lucky to be a part of a group like this with people like you. Your message spoke to me as well.
While I read else where that you avoid resolutions, I try to make them and realize that some goals you reach, others you keep reaching toward. The only reason I bring that up is my recent self realization is that while I thought I had accepted myself, I have only accepted being transgender. I am taking steps (if slow and halting) but still have a lot of shame, self dislike (if not outright loathing at moments) and do not embrace this acceptance. I realized on the 30th or so that it would be a new year and I have to not just move to physically correct things that seem wrong but also emotionally (psychologically?). I need to accept myself.
A bit of a selfish grabbing of your subject but, once again, here's to 2016 being the year of self acceptance.
With warmth,
Joanna
Grace, I'm also inspired by your story and think I can relate to where you were at the first time you tried to transition. Your story gives me hope that there is indeed sun through the clouds and I won't always feel this way about myself (basically disliking myself and being insecure in who I am/ want to be). You've made me realize I need to stop trying to force down and ignore any of the feelings I'm having based on societal expectations and accept and embrace myself for who I am. I know there will be ups and downs but I'm very fortunate to hear stories from people like yourself to relate to and help me through the tough times.
Thank you!
Much love,
Ry
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Grace, thank you for your time and effort here, and sharing about you! I hope 2016 will be the year I can accept myself also, as I am one of those struggling.
Grace,
Thank you for this; it was really great to read. I see your posts often as I read this forum, and I appreciate the time and insight you're willing to share with everyone. While each of our paths are obviously our own, I see some similarities in your story as I've come to understand it to my experience, and it's heartening to see how you've come through; it helps me feel there's hope for me as I begin to find my way. All the best to you in 2016.
L