Do I have to choose what I want in my gut over what I want when I think it through logically? What if the two don't match? What are peoples experience who have chosen either path?
I mean I want to be a girl. I want to look like a girl. I want to change my appearance. Even just some light FFS I feel would make me more comfortable in my own skin. Not even so drastic I look female, just so I look a little closer to androgynous. I just need something to work with. I can't deny that in my gut I want all these things. It's the feeling that has driven me even to this point and the feeling that I followed when I 'came out' to myself. It is the feeling that meant I was prescribed a testosterone blocker a year ago and it is the reason I took it. I had to stop for health reasons. But maybe that is a good thing. Because looking back I was on an absolutely ridiculous path that was going to end in a very dangerous place. I'm not really sure what I was thinking. I know I want to be a girl. I also know on the other hand I'd be miserable and depressed if I followed that feeling. Nothing in my life or personality is cut out to deal with transition or even just a part of it. I know people might say things like 'you have to do what is right for you'. But caring what others think is part of me, and its a CERTAINTY I'd feel awful. I also don't want to ruin the only 'me' that I know and that my family like and my friends like and I nearly like. Being a transgender woman in my case wouldn't make that a sacrifice worth taking. Waking up tomorrow a girl would. But not being trans. That is undeniably true. I know it is. No matter what anyone says. And tbh the way I feel about hormones now is that it is too dangerous a sacrifice to my health. It now scares the crap out of me and I don't want it.
Yet I can't quiet the feeling that screams I want to be a girl so badly. The feeling that makes me hold my hand to my forehead every time I look at myself to see what it would look like softer and smoother. The feeling that makes me study my body in the mirror to see if there's any chance it could look female. And the feeling that makes me come on this site I suppose. I can't quiet it but I know that following it won't lead me to a good place.
I hear you, and I don't have an answer for you. That is something that only you can answer for yourself.
I have tended to follow my head instead of my heart. My head is very risk averse, and sometimes makes poor decisions as a result. My head wants to play it safe, but doing so it led me to a place where I am unhappy now. In hindsight, I can see what the wrong decisions were, but you don't get a do-over in life. Here I am now.
The thing is, the head believes it can predict the future, but it can't. We think we know what is going to happen, but it never really works out that way. You may think that it is a certainty that you would feel awful, but that's predicting the future. That is just the head puffing itself up with its own importance. We can't predict the future.
The feelings you feel are real. They are the present, and the present is the only reality. The past is a memory, and the future is a guess. Only the present, with its feelings, is real.
I have spent my life letting my head rule, and it is very hard to let go of that. But when I look back and see the mistakes I have made as a result of that, recognize them as mistakes, I realize that I need to start doing things differently. My head does not have a good track record.
I look at the likelihood that my marriage will fail (statistically 50-50 odds), putting me in poverty, and my head goes "Aargh!!" Yet, if that happens, is it really worse than the present of frustration, pain, and suffering? If I am honest with myself, I have to admit that I don't know which outcome is worse. If I go the one way, things will continue pretty much the way they have been going. My circumstances might get better or not, but the dysphoria will never go away. If I go the other way, there will be some emotional pain and some financial belt tightening, but my circumstances could actually end up being okay, and the dysphoria will likely go away. Opening up to possibilities helps to override the head's "Aargh!"
I don't know if that helps you, but it is how I am trying to work with a similar dilemma.
The path... the journey is not the same for everyone. the goal here is to reach such a point where you feel most comfortable, for some this means full SRS and FFS for others it could just mean living a life on hormones.
sometimes you need to listen to what "You" want and not everyone else... my old Therapist once told me
"You spend all this time making everyone else around you happy, it's a treasured trait to be sure... but you need to stop and think about you, After all it's your life to live, not theirs."
Transitioning made me extremely happy, but the end results aren't always the same for every person... in my former life I was always wishing I would wake up a female... I was hesitant to express these feelings... but after that session... I decided it was time.
The old me was a Hermit who cared only what people thought of me, constantly depressed, and even suicidal on many many occasions... after I expressed myself as a woman... all of that changed... I am a completely different person. Outgoing, happy, sociable, I make a ton of friends, I am excelling at my job... everyday feels so amazing...
but you should really really think about how far YOU want to go personally. as for the whole "How would I look"... Hormones are part of the magic... the real magic is finding that hair style and make-up that screams "Me" infact that is half the fun ^_^
Just remember that no matter how you express yourself... you will always find a group of friends that will accept you for you.
Hi:
There's no simple answer or one answer either. It's as varied as each individual who has the feelings you describe . . . probably GID but that's a call for a professional. This leads to one of the surest things about your feelings, see a professional and work with them.
Your fears really resonate with me and eventually (about 6 months into therapy) I began to take steps in the direction of expressing my femininity, eventually transitioning. How your journey goes is different but a common thread is seeking good professional help and finding a support group where you can actually be with people in the same space as you.
As always, keeping talking here and realize that while you are feeling conflicted you possess a wonderful and magical gift . . .
Rachel
I think you've answered your own question. The negatives out way the positives and you've chosen your path. That all any of us can do is to make the best decision we can on the information we have and move on.
The problem lays here...
- Logical option: Being a man and being the person who everyone in your life likes. Obviously you want this person towork but it's not working, thats why you have dysphoria, that's why you're here. This may never work and the dysphoria may never cease.
- Gut option: Being a girl, but no one can wake up a girl, and you're not going to be a cisgirl, so this is just not an option. Living like one? Being treated, regarded and respected like one? Changing your appareance? Maybe.
What path did I choose? Obvious. Why? Well... for me it was easy, as Einstein said once "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".
QuoteBecause looking back I was on an absolutely ridiculous path that was going to end in a very dangerous place. I'm not really sure what I was thinking.
I'm not sure what do you mean here. But what I can say to you is there isn't a magic pill, no magic solution, no easy way. You're gonna get a result proportional to "starting point" + "work invested" + "money invested" + "time invested" ) having into account the technical limitations. No more and no less. So this is when you need to be total honest to yourself and consider what can be done and what you need to do to get what you want.
Put yourself in worst scenario: full hrt, full ffs, pro hairdressing, pro makeup, pro cosmetics, hair transplants, liposculture, weight loss, breast implants, butt implants, voice surgery... Can they give you an acceptable (within your desires) result? Can you afford them?
QuoteI know people might say things like 'you have to do what is right for you'. But caring what others think is part of me, and its a CERTAINTY I'd feel awful.
What about surrounding you with people that likes the "real" you and not the construct you are now? Maybe it's just about getting around people who doesn't care about your "transness". Sounds like a solution to me.
QuoteI also don't want to ruin the only 'me' that I know and that my family like and my friends like and I nearly like.
Everybody likes you but yourself. Are you ever going to be able to like yourself the way you are now? Have you got any idea on how to make this happen?
QuoteI know it is. No matter what anyone says.
I have very few certainties in this life. When I made my decision a lot of years ago as I said before I just knew that doing the same I have done before won't bring me different results. I tried and it failed. So, my only option was to change my approach and take a different path. That was what really sounded logical to me.
If you know for sure transition is not for you why do you bother wondering? Just being a cisgirl is for sure not happening, so... in the end, what you face is...
Do I try something different or just keep on doing the same?
What your gut wants is just impossible. No magic pill, no cisgirl waking up. What your logic tells you is just not working because its simply not logic. You have been trying it for long and its not making you happy. I think it's time for a serious and honest approach to the question.