Hi, everyone. I'm Katie, and I've been on hormone treatment for a little over a month now. I've had the desire to be a girl for a long time, but I'm starting to have doubts, and they scare me. Was this the case for anyone else? Maybe I should elaborate.
I've just about told everyone I know and love at this point that I am probably transgender, and that I am already working not transitioning. My support group is simply incredible. All but two people (And I am blessed to have many friends and family) have accepted me. One of those was my cousin, who I am very close to. He was the one who started making me have second thoughts.
His response very much came out of love, or at least what he deems love. He said he'll always be in my life, and he's not going to turn his back on me, but also that he can't support this decision. My cousin may know me better than anyone else. He proved that to me the other day, when he told me things he's known about myself that I had no idea he noticed.
He believes me transitioning is a mistake, and though he didn't say it, I think he believes I am not truly transgender. He knows I have big anxieties and insecurities about certain things, and again, even though he didn't outright say it, he implied that he believe I'm looking to this as a way out. He says that clearly something is going on, but he's never seen me as half a person before, and he's never seen any signs of me being this in the 24 years he has known me.
I am a person who lets people get to me. And his words did. It made me doubtful. I worry so much that I could just be doing this to fulfill some fantasy. I've always dreamed of being a girl, and being in that world, and I can't deny that a lot of it is me looking at the more glamarous side. I don't know... I'm just really worried about all of my second thoughts. I look at any evidence I can point to me not being this. I look at my former life, and realize I was still happy at times, but at the same time, I feel like I'll never be as happy as I possibly can as a man.
I'm sorry if this is confusing, and sounds ignorant. But I really respect everyone's opinion here, and I'd like to hear it if possible. :)
im glad im the the first to reply currently going through some what of the same thing every time i have doubts i just look at the three or four pictures i have in my phone before i became a woman and then i look at the 60 selfies i have smiling as a woman. It took 29 years for me to notice. anyways hopefully you follow your heart and do what makes you happy. stay Beautiful read head(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20160108/4d90434695839e6a2afac3f6b024f1a6.jpg)[emoji175] [emoji175] [emoji175] [emoji175] [emoji175] [emoji175]
Sent from my SM-G900P using Tapatalk
Quote from: crazycool86 on January 07, 2016, 09:05:52 PM
im glad im the the first to reply currently going through some what of the same thing every time i have doubts i just look at the three or four pictures i have in my phone before i became a woman and then i look at the 60 selfies i have smiling as a woman. It took 29 years for me to notice. anyways hopefully you follow your heart and do what makes you happy. stay Beautiful read head(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20160108/4d90434695839e6a2afac3f6b024f1a6.jpg)[emoji175] [emoji175] [emoji175] [emoji175] [emoji175] [emoji175]
Sent from my SM-G900P using Tapatalk
You seem happy now. I'm so happy for you. ^_^ I seriously do the exact same thing. What eventually happened?
Ah, these doubts. I've had these doubts. I find them knocking around my head every day.
Let me try a couple of different tactics, one's that work when those doubts come knocking.
Tactic 1) Let's say that your cousin's worries have some teeth. Let's say that you are using this as a way out, of fulfilling some fantasy... a way out of what? a fantasy of being what? Based on your words, a fantasy of being a girl, and presumably a way out of being a man. Wouldn't those desires make you trans? What is the meaningful difference between wanting it to be true and it being true?
Tactic 2) Right now, thinking that maybe you're not trans, what do you feel? Do you feel breathless, worried, and a little scared? Scared because if you're not trans, you can't transition? If so, what does that feeling mean to you?
Tactic 3) Pretend that you have to prove your gender identity in a court of law, and the only thing you can't use as evidence is the sex you were assigned at birth. Start stacking up evidence that weighs for either end of the gender spectrum, and for anything in between. Which pile of evidence, if any, is bigger? More importantly... which do you hope is bigger?
Tactic 4) How many cisgendered people end up on this board asking this question?
I can't judge your cousin, I don't know him, but I do know people like him. People who believe that if your gender identity is not obvious to them from time immemorial, then it has to be the one you were assigned at birth. No matter how incongruent or painful that birth identity actually is. He doesn't know you like you know you, and you shouldn't let him rumble your boat.
Quote from: Tamika Olivia on January 07, 2016, 09:17:08 PM
Ah, these doubts. I've had these doubts. I find them knocking around my head every day.
Let me try a couple of different tactics, one's that work when those doubts come knocking.
Tactic 1) Let's say that your cousin's worries have some teeth. Let's say that you are using this as a way out, of fulfilling some fantasy... a way out of what? a fantasy of being what? Based on your words, a fantasy of being a girl, and presumably a way out of being a man. Wouldn't those desires make you trans? What is the meaningful difference between wanting it to be true and it being true?
Tactic 2) Right now, thinking that maybe you're not trans, what do you feel? Do you feel breathless, worried, and a little scared? Scared because if you're not trans, you can't transition? If so, what does that feeling mean to you?
Tactic 3) Pretend that you have to prove your gender identity in a court of law, and the only thing you can't use as evidence is the sex you were assigned at birth. Start stacking up evidence that weighs for either end of the gender spectrum, and for anything in between. Which pile of evidence, if any, is bigger? More importantly... which do you hope is bigger?
Tactic 4) How many cisgendered people end up on this board asking this question?
I can't judge your cousin, I don't know him, but I do know people like him. People who believe that if your gender identity is not obvious to them from time immemorial, then it has to be the one you were assigned at birth. No matter how incongruent or painful that birth identity actually is. He doesn't know you like you know you, and you shouldn't let him rumble your boat.
Thank you so much! Questions often help clear up my mind. I guess I could answer some of them for now.
Tactic 1) Let's say that your cousin's worries have some teeth. Let's say that you are using this as a way out, of fulfilling some fantasy... a way out of what? a fantasy of being what? Based on your words, a fantasy of being a girl, and presumably a way out of being a man. Wouldn't those desires make you trans? What is the meaningful difference between wanting it to be true and it being true?
I've always had the fantasy of being a girl since the age of 12. I would look up fictional videos about it, where characters transform, I tried crossdressing much earlier (but stopped because I thought God would smite me) and I just have always loved the idea of being one. In many ways, I feel like my brain is more wired toward the stereotypical female, and that if I were one, I could simply exist so much more easily. But I worry my mind may change, or that this desire will wear off once I dive in deep enough. I don't know why, but that scares me. Tactic 2) Right now, thinking that maybe you're not trans, what do you feel? Do you feel breathless, worried, and a little scared? Scared because if you're not trans, you can't transition? If so, what does that feeling mean to you?
Oh yes, definitely. I'm terrified of deciding that I may not be, and therefore not going forward with transitioning. I worry it's denial, and I worry the fact that I'm so scared of it is proof of denial. Tactic 3) Pretend that you have to prove your gender identity in a court of law, and the only thing you can't use as evidence is the sex you were assigned at birth. Start stacking up evidence that weighs for either end of the gender spectrum, and for anything in between. Which pile of evidence, if any, is bigger? More importantly... which do you hope is bigger?
I suppose this one is almost impossible to answer. I've come to believe that there isn't a certain way each gender should act, or dead giveaways that determine your gender. At the same time, I have grown up in a very black and white world where stereotypes were shoved down my throat. Tactic 4) How many cisgendered people end up on this board asking this question?
I wish I knew :(
Quote from: RedheadWhovian on January 07, 2016, 09:10:33 PM
You seem happy now. I'm so happy for you. ^_^ I seriously do the exact same thing. What eventually happened?
I just started transitioning on the 1st of this year i am supposed to start hormones this month i think being a veteran though things tend to move a little slower for me kinda
Sent from my SM-G900P using Tapatalk
I started HRT about the same time you did. A lot of the experiences you describe are the same for me (even the age when we first begin wishing!). So I have to admit, I'm kind of rooting for you. :)
I also have doubts. When it comes right down to it, though, I ask myself what it is that I'm actually doubting. Do I think I would be unhappy if I were a woman? No. Do I think I would be unhappy as a trans-woman who was frequently mistaken for a man? Maybe. Do I think I would be unhappy if my family or friends (the ones I'm not yet out to) started treating me poorly for coming out? Yes. And so on. For each question, really imagine living through that situation, and see how it feels.
Asking these questions helped me isolate what I'm really afraid of. I'm afraid of the transition process. I'm afraid of potential emotional abuse as I start to present female outside of my home. I am not afraid of being a woman, and I am not afraid that I'll want to de-transition after going full-time.
It's so hard for family to see you in any other way than how you grew up. They're always going to be biased, and if they care about you, afraid for you. The only part they can't see is what's inside. So the answer ultimately has to come from you.
Alright, I kinda get a little more where you're coming from now. You're worried that, despite your current feelings on your gender identity, that in the future you may change your mind, and that possibility is upsetting your confidence in the present? That the long and short of it?
I've got some bad news for you, the future is always a mystery. You will never know if what future you wants is what present you wants. You only have the information on what present you wants... and present you seems to want to transition. So, and here's the good news,... keep doing that. If, in the future, you want to stop... you can do that too. As long as transition keeps making you happy, you can keep doing that. You don't have to decide once and for all, right now, and no take backsies either way. It's a path you can explore as long as you wish.
Yes, there is a possibility that you may develop some physical changes that future you may not like, but you can mitigate for those. You can bank sperm, and you can count on the gradual nature of HRT (and the fact that it works on the brain first) to gauge whether you want to continue.
Quote from: pogo on January 07, 2016, 09:33:10 PM
I started HRT about the same time you did. A lot of the experiences you describe are the same for me (even the age when we first begin wishing!). So I have to admit, I'm kind of rooting for you. :)
I also have doubts. When it comes right down to it, though, I ask myself what it is that I'm actually doubting. Do I think I would be unhappy if I were a woman? No. Do I think I would be unhappy as a trans-woman who was frequently mistaken for a man? Maybe. Do I think I would be unhappy if my family or friends (the ones I'm not yet out to) started treating me poorly for coming out? Yes. And so on. For each question, really imagine living through that situation, and see how it feels.
Asking these questions helped me isolate what I'm really afraid of. I'm afraid of the transition process. I'm afraid of potential emotional abuse as I start to present female outside of my home. I am not afraid of being a woman, and I am not afraid that I'll want to de-transition after going full-time.
It's so hard for family to see you in any other way than how you grew up. They're always going to be biased, and if they care about you, afraid for you. The only part they can't see is what's inside. So the answer ultimately has to come from you.
Thank you so much for your help. I completely sympathize with you. And what you said helps me clear my mind, really. :) I wish you all the luck on your journey too!
Quote from: Tamika Olivia on January 07, 2016, 09:39:22 PM
Alright, I kinda get a little more where you're coming from now. You're worried that, despite your current feelings on your gender identity, that in the future you may change your mind, and that possibility is upsetting your confidence in the present? That the long and short of it?
I've got some bad news for you, the future is always a mystery. You will never know if what future you wants is what present you wants. You only have the information on what present you wants... and present you seems to want to transition. So, and here's the good news,... keep doing that. If, in the future, you want to stop... you can do that too. As long as transition keeps making you happy, you can keep doing that. You don't have to decide once and for all, right now, and no take backsies either way. It's a path you can explore as long as you wish.
Yes, there is a possibility that you may develop some physical changes that future you may not like, but you can mitigate for those. You can bank sperm, and you can count on the gradual nature of HRT (and the fact that it works on the brain first) to gauge whether you want to continue.
Yeah, I'd say that's a fair assessment. :) That and the fact that I worry about the fantasy aspect. Some friends have said I need to learn to differentiate between fantasy and reality; my fantasy of being a woman. But then what even is fantasy?
Yeah, I'd say that's a fair assessment. :) That and the fact that I worry about the fantasy aspect. Some friends have said I need to learn to differentiate between fantasy and reality; my fantasy of being a woman. But then what even is fantasy?
Eh, nothing wrong with a little fantasy. If you've been denied the body you should have been born with, for decades, it would be strange if you didn't have fantasies about it.
Quote from: Tamika Olivia on January 07, 2016, 09:50:43 PM
Yeah, I'd say that's a fair assessment. :) That and the fact that I worry about the fantasy aspect. Some friends have said I need to learn to differentiate between fantasy and reality; my fantasy of being a woman. But then what even is fantasy?
Eh, nothing wrong with a little fantasy. If you've been denied the body you should have been born with, for decades, it would be strange if you didn't have fantasies about it.
That makes sense. :) uuuum should I be worried that it was also kind of a turn on? I felt so disgusted by that years ago. Now, my sexual drive is practically gone cause of the hormones, and my desire is still there, strong as it's been.
Quote from: RedheadWhovian on January 07, 2016, 09:52:15 PM
That makes sense. :) uuuum should I be worried that it was also kind of a turn on? I felt so disgusted by that years ago. Now, my sexual drive is practically gone cause of the hormones, and my desire is still there, strong as it's been.
Nah, the turn on thing is quite common. There are a bunch of possible explanations, not sure which is the truth, but it isn't abnormal or shameful.
Quote from: Tamika Olivia on January 07, 2016, 09:57:45 PM
Nah, the turn on thing is quite common. There are a bunch of possible explanations, not sure which is the truth, but it isn't abnormal or shameful.
Oh that's great to hear! Cause I used to think it was just a fetish. (I was in denial) and uuuum, if it's not too much to say, I used to pleasure myself to it. I had no idea that was common in transgender women.
Hi
The short answer is yes. It's almost impossible not have doubts at first. Part of the early time on hrt is to sort the real you. Occasionally a person will find hormones are not for them. It's a key diagnostic step in transitioning. Hope that helps.
You are new in your life you have chosen and it's normal to experience doubts and unusual things. In time this will pass. In the mean time enjoy the uniqueness of what's happening. It's a one time thing and ever so life givinng
Glad you asked the question and come back often
TTFN,
Rachel
Quote from: Qrachel on January 07, 2016, 11:28:54 PM
Hi
The short answer is yes. It's almost impossible not have doubts at first. Part of the early time on hrt is to sort the real you. Occasionally a person will find hormones are not for them. It's a key diagnostic step in transitioning. Hope that helps.
You are new in your life you have chosen and it's normal to experience doubts and unusual things. In time this will pass. In the mean time enjoy the uniqueness of what's happening. It's a one time thing and ever so life givinng
Glad you asked the question and come back often
TTFN,
Rachel
Thank you so much! This helped to clear my head. So far, it's tough tough to say how I feel on the hormones. I've noticed I articulate myself better, and concentrate better. I also dream more, which is cool! My sex drive is almost non-existant right now. I kind of like it, but it also makes me very tired at times. My mind still feels a little jumbled up, but if anything, I'd say I feel better on the hormones overall.
Doubts are not uncommon - transition is a massive undertaking and you won't really know if it is the right thing or not until you're there.
What I'd say to you is that you will always find there is at least one person who tries to talk you out of it and tell you it is a mistake. When they are someone who you are close to and they seem to be doing it in a considered and/or loving way it makes it even harder to discount them. What is your reaction to the idea of stopping transition... if it is panic or despair then I think you have your answer about whether it is ultimately right for you.
Quote from: Tamika Olivia on January 07, 2016, 09:17:08 PM
Tactic 4) How many cisgendered people end up on this board asking this question?
This is a logical fallacy, and I hate it: this is a forum for transgender people, therefore you must be transgender if you're here. It gets trotted out every time somebody has doubts. We've got a crossdressing forum; I'd bet that many if not most have had their doubts, looked on the other side, and decided that they're still cisgender.
However... transgender is an umbrella term. A cisgender person is somebody who has had a consistent gender experience over the course of their life and that gender matches the one they were assigned at birth. It sounds like you've spent time identifying as female, so simply by definition, you are transgender. But the facts that you were assigned male at birth and you are transgender, do not imply that you are a woman. There's a whole lot of in-between. I kinda got stuck considering the possibilities... and I kinda love being nonbinary. I have no rules to conform to.
I'll agree with everyone else on one point: you know you way better than your cousin does. I didn't show any outward signs of being transgender, until I came out. Even after I thought I had been dressing femme for a number of months, most of my friends simply failed to notice, and still said "oh wow I never saw any signs of that." That makes them unobservant; it doesn't make me wrong for transitioning.
Quote from: Ms Grace on January 08, 2016, 01:55:59 AM
Doubts are not uncommon - transition is a massive undertaking and you won't really know if it is the right thing or not until you're there.
What I'd say to you is that you will always find there is at least one person who tries to talk you out of it and tell you it is a mistake. When they are someone who you are close to and they seem to be doing it in a considered and/or loving way it makes it even harder to discount them. What is your reaction to the idea of stopping transition... if it is panic or despair then I think you have your answer about whether it is ultimately right for you.
It is definitely panic or despair. The idea of stopping is really scary, and worrisome. Thank you for your help :)
Quote from: sparrow on January 08, 2016, 02:51:30 AM
This is a logical fallacy, and I hate it: this is a forum for transgender people, therefore you must be transgender if you're here. It gets trotted out every time somebody has doubts. We've got a crossdressing forum; I'd bet that many if not most have had their doubts, looked on the other side, and decided that they're still cisgender.
However... transgender is an umbrella term. A cisgender person is somebody who has had a consistent gender experience over the course of their life and that gender matches the one they were assigned at birth. It sounds like you've spent time identifying as female, so simply by definition, you are transgender. But the facts that you were assigned male at birth and you are transgender, do not imply that you are a woman. There's a whole lot of in-between. I kinda got stuck considering the possibilities... and I kinda love being nonbinary. I have no rules to conform to.
I'll agree with everyone else on one point: you know you way better than your cousin does. I didn't show any outward signs of being transgender, until I came out. Even after I thought I had been dressing femme for a number of months, most of my friends simply failed to notice, and still said "oh wow I never saw any signs of that." That makes them unobservant; it doesn't make me wrong for transitioning.
Thank you for your help, but I'm not going to do the same, and state specifics for whether someone is or isn't. That's up to them, in my eyes. I just wanted to see if anyone else had these feelings, and I wanted to clear my head. :)
Quote from: sparrow on January 08, 2016, 02:51:30 AM
This is a logical fallacy, and I hate it: this is a forum for transgender people, therefore you must be transgender if you're here. It gets trotted out every time somebody has doubts. We've got a crossdressing forum; I'd bet that many if not most have had their doubts, looked on the other side, and decided that they're still cisgender.
However... transgender is an umbrella term. A cisgender person is somebody who has had a consistent gender experience over the course of their life and that gender matches the one they were assigned at birth. It sounds like you've spent time identifying as female, so simply by definition, you are transgender. But the facts that you were assigned male at birth and you are transgender, do not imply that you are a woman. There's a whole lot of in-between. I kinda got stuck considering the possibilities... and I kinda love being nonbinary. I have no rules to conform to.
I'll agree with everyone else on one point: you know you way better than your cousin does. I didn't show any outward signs of being transgender, until I came out. Even after I thought I had been dressing femme for a number of months, most of my friends simply failed to notice, and still said "oh wow I never saw any signs of that." That makes them unobservant; it doesn't make me wrong for transitioning.
I wasn't intending the "If you are questioning, you are trans" argument. I agree, if used as a method of declaring someone definitively trans, it's fallacious. Instead, I was using it as a coy way of pointing out the probability that someone here asking the question is trans. It's not fallacious to point out that most people here asking that question are not cis, just observation of the patterns.
Moreover, the important point is that with both the fallacious use and the probability use, the point isn't to actually argue that the person is trans... it's to put either the conclusion or the probability in front of their eyes, and for them to see how they feel about it.
It's like the flip if the coin method. Flip a coin, if it comes up heads then you are trans, tails you are not. The coin flip doesn't call the question, it just evokes the questions and feelings that are better evidence than anything.
Thanks to everyone for this thread. Similar to the OP, I'm at a little over a month on E and have been asking these same questions.
All I needed was a visit to Susan's place and I feel better.
Hugs all
Quote from: buhddakahn on January 08, 2016, 01:04:28 PM
Thanks to everyone for this thread. Similar to the OP, I'm at a little over a month on E and have been asking these same questions.
All I needed was a visit to Susan's place and I feel better.
Hugs all
Really happy for you ^_^