Hi everyone,
my name is Alex and i would like to discuss something that has been bothering me for a while.
Little backstory:I accepted myself at 22nd August 2015. Since then my life has been full of suprises. It has been a long journey to come to this point. I remember the first day i accepted myself, it was like i was being reborn. It was the first time in 8 years i felt happy (I almost forgot what being happy feels like, my life was full of hatred, sadness, loneliness and depression. I have been suicidal for the whole time, wishing to not wake up the next day when i went to sleep.). The same day i came out, i cried of joy when i said i am feeling like a girl. I didn't have to carry the whole world on my shoulders anymore since that day. The first couple months has been rough. I was dealing with some really crazy dysphoria and had a couple really weak moments. I remember meeting my grandmother in law for the first time and she called me a "good looking boy". It felt like getting stabbed in a hard with poisoned dull knife. I cried in the car, when we were driving back and the had depressive episode (including suicidal behavior) for couple more days. I couldn't believe how just a few words could destroy me so much. When i look back, i find it ridiculous. The dysphoria clouded my judgement so much, i didn't even bother looking at the circumstances at that time.
- She was just trying to compliment me and had no idea (since i was not out to her).
- I was wearing male clothes and presenting male, so naturally she called me a boy instead of a girl.
- I didn't correct her.
- I focused on the bad part instead of focusing on the nice part of her statement.
That was just an example of the many situations that happened in my life. I realised the dysphoria comes from my mind and i am the one who gives it the power. I have been fighting it for a while and i am always trying to focus on the bright side and appeal on logical arguments when i am starting to feel dysphoric. I don't care at all, if anyone calls me a man, the way people see me doesn't define who i am. I can say i can beat the dysphoria in most of the cases. There are not much more things that can make me dysphoric, but most of them will be sorted out future during the transition.
List of things that still make me slightly dysphoric:
- Facial hair growth (having to shave so often doesn't make me happy at all).
- Intense body hair growth (i tried to epilate my legs, they said "smooth legs for over 3 weeks". It lasted barely a week).
- Derp haircut (growing my hair out and i am in the awkward phase right now).
- My deep voice.
As you can see, all of the that can be solved sooner or later in the transitioning process.
But whats the point of this thread?I just presented to you the way it works for me, so you can see that my mind is clear most of the time. But, i can't stop feeling so hideous. I tried to determine the reason why i feel like that all the time and there are some factors. I don't think it is gender releated. I know i have had really low self-esteem for so long, but i am working on it and i am very confident about myself most of the time (unfortunatelly, i am not so confident about my appearance).
Aspects in my life:
- Rejected by society my whole life -> low self-esteem.
- Only child, neglected by parents -> feeling worthless.
- Others avoided me and i have never been on a date or asked out -> feeling ugly and unwanted.
- Social isolation -> eliminates the possibility to meet someone who could like me. I have no real-life/online friends at all. Also no relationship within my family. -> Extreme loneliness.
- Severe depression -> lack of interest and energy to do anything that could bring me joy.
- Social anxiety -> It is always challenging for me to go out.
- Unemployeed -> anxious about my financial situation and future.
I could name more, but i think that's enough to make a point. As you can see, i am aware of most of the triggers. But i am unable to feel happy, and i am really tired of feeling so ugly. I can't see myself feeling this way for 1-2 more years. I feel like i am stuck and there is not much more stuff i can do at this point, i just have to wait and pray for hrt to do miracle.
How can i improve my mood and feelings about myself? I always feel a little better after i shave, but that's just not enough. There are still more negative than positive feelings.
How did you deal with low self-esteem? Do you think hormones and make-up will be enough for the become passable? (i really hate my face, especially my nose)
What makes you feel beautiful? What can i do to improve my mental health? Did you also have to deal with same feelings?Recent picture of me.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fq94wMa6.jpg&hash=806a6c865f70d7ab02f64875a4064216e57ad245)
(21 years old, mtf, no make up, pre-hrt)Thanks for reading!
PS: Sorry for my english and the long post. I am not a native speaker.
Hi - it's not uncommon to feel conflicted and sometimes out of control. Despite the incident with your grandmother though you've shown that you can look at the situation objectively with a different perspective, and even though that might come after the fact that is a very useful thing to be able to do. I'd suggest working on ways to bring that objectivity to emotionally difficult situations while they're happening - it can really reduce the degree of upset you might otherwise feel in the moment. :)