As I find myself beyond the stage of, "do I pass?" and more into the stage of, "do I look fat?" I found that womanhood comes with its share of problems.
Mind you, I'm not griping. I'm just now aware of these and frankly amazed that my problems being trans are way secondary compared to these.
Chief among these is getting hit on by married men. No, you read that right. Somehow guys who are interested in me want me as an "outside woman" and not as a serious thing or even a casual thing. I don't date married men so they are out. Yes, I am still a married woman but on paper. For all intents and purposes we lead separate lives.
Not to mention that a lot of guys are into sex, and that seems to be what they are chiefly into. I don't want to deliver that now, as I am not postop yet. Besides I want to focus more on me. But you know, it would be nice to love and be loved.
There is also being not taken seriously. I hadn't realized how pervasive male privilege is, but it is. I can't fit in with the "brogrammers" anymore. I've kind of been tossed to the side. I still do my own stuff and form my own alliances. I am also the team lead at work so they can't completely bypass me.
The good news is that women are extremely friendly and social with me. Even the supermarket checkout is more enjoyable now as they are always chatting with me. Some admire my style, some tell me I look nice etc. I've even made friends.
Such is life.
I think I want to start seeing my therapist again.
men
Oh, don't get me wrong... I absolutely love flirting with men. I just wish I could weed out the bad ones.
Quote from: iKate on January 09, 2016, 08:31:42 PM
Not to mention that a lot of guys are into sex, and that seems to be what they are chiefly into.
It's been my observation for a long, long time that this is true.
Quote from: iKate on January 09, 2016, 08:31:42 PM
There is also being not taken seriously. I hadn't realized how pervasive male privilege is, but it is. I can't fit in with the "brogrammers" anymore. I've kind of been tossed to the side. I still do my own stuff and form my own alliances. I am also the team lead at work so they can't completely bypass me.
I've noticed a definite uptick in not being taken seriously since going full time at work. Not from everyone and thankfully not often. Honestly I don't think the few that I have noticed it from are even doing it intentionally but it's definitely there.
I've also noticed a bit more being "talked over" in conversation, which is annoying.....
I'm in management so in a lot of cases my word goes either way but it's still an odd feeling.
Quote from: Emjay on January 09, 2016, 11:00:32 PM
I've noticed a definite uptick in not being taken seriously since going full time at work. Not from everyone and thankfully not often. Honestly I don't think the few that I have noticed it from are even doing it intentionally but it's definitely there.
I've also noticed a bit more being "talked over" in conversation, which is annoying.....
I'm in management so in a lot of cases my word goes either way but it's still an odd feeling.
Oddly enough women take me far more seriously now.
Some of us aren't bad men. Give us a chance.
Quote from: LordKAT on January 10, 2016, 05:14:30 PM
Some of us aren't bad men. Give us a chance.
Dude, I hear ya. I just seem to be attracting the married and horny ones lol
Quote from: iKate on January 09, 2016, 08:31:42 PM
I don't want to deliver that now, as I am not postop yet.
Just wondering - have you given dating a shot while pre-op? Pre-HRT, I had told myself I wouldn't date anyone until I'm post-op, but then I happened to meet someone. Anyway, we started very platonically as friends, and then things gradually progressed. I'm often surprised that over time, I've come to not even notice or care about my boy parts (though this was quite the process), and I know he doesn't really care about them either.
You might surprise yourself if you meet someone decent enough that you may be able to share some intimacy pre-op, if not more. I just think it's a pity denying yourself the prospect of being close with someone else for such a long period of time, especially if the opportunity presents itself :)
I haven't done my bottom surgery yet, and I started dating nearly half a year ago. My boyfriend and I went Facebook official in early December after dating a few months. He is really great, we haven't really fought much, and he is really good about being sensitive to the things that have triggered me from my previous abusive relationship. There are good guys out there, but I wouldn't have found them without letting people know I was trans early and sifting out the chaff.
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: iKate on January 09, 2016, 08:31:42 PM
There is also being not taken seriously. I hadn't realized how pervasive male privilege is, but it is. I can't fit in with the "brogrammers" anymore. I've kind of been tossed to the side. I still do my own stuff and form my own alliances. I am also the team lead at work so they can't completely bypass me.
I was stunned when I started running into this at work too. Guys in their early 20s talking over me and trying to tell me how to do something. It took every bit of restraint I had to not say "shut up, I have been doing this longer than you have been alive".
Quote from: Emjay on January 09, 2016, 11:00:32 PM
I've also noticed a bit more being "talked over" in conversation, which is annoying.....
Yes, this is SO annoying. On conference calls, I've had to go as far as PMing a male colleague to interrupt the talking for me. >:-)
Girl you are absolutely RIGHT! I didn't know how much I benefited from male privilege until after I transitioned! And you absolutely do pass 100% to me and I am glad that your main worries have moved away from "do I pass?"
Male privilege aside, I like to laugh at the double-edged sword that exists in social practices surrounding expectations of men. Whenever I am eating with my boyfriend at a restaurant I chuckle every time the check is placed on *his* side of the table and not mine, as in waiters are expecting/wrongly assuming the man will be the one paying.
I also laughed that one time I was in a gaming convention last year and there was a (very, very long) line for the men's bathroom and the women's was close to empty! :laugh:
I would definitely say girls suffer a tad bit more from problems due to societal expectations of women compared to men, but I am enjoying the benefits I have attained, haven't you?!
When I was male-presenting, men weren't going out of their way to be nice to me because they didn't want to be seen as gay. Women weren't going out of their way to be nice to me because, well, I was a short, Asian male.
Now both women AND men are extremely nice to me haha. Women because women talk to each other, and are nice to each other most of the times; men because I have fortunately transitioned into an okay looking young lady. Literally transition has given me its fair share of problems, but EVERYONE is compartively nicer to me as a female than when I presented male.
Quote from: starting_anew on January 11, 2016, 01:02:49 AM
Just wondering - have you given dating a shot while pre-op? Pre-HRT, I had told myself I wouldn't date anyone until I'm post-op, but then I happened to meet someone. Anyway, we started very platonically as friends, and then things gradually progressed. I'm often surprised that over time, I've come to not even notice or care about my boy parts (though this was quite the process), and I know he doesn't really care about them either.
You might surprise yourself if you meet someone decent enough that you may be able to share some intimacy pre-op, if not more. I just think it's a pity denying yourself the prospect of being close with someone else for such a long period of time, especially if the opportunity presents itself :)
I haven't.
I may if the opportunity presents itself and I'm really really into the guy (and he's into me) but part of me think that with those bits below I am not sure how he will see me. I don't want to be seen as anything but a woman.
Quote from: Roni on January 11, 2016, 08:27:52 AM
Girl you are absolutely RIGHT! I didn't know how much I benefited from male privilege until after I transitioned! And you absolutely do pass 100% to me and I am glad that your main worries have moved away from "do I pass?"
Male privilege aside, I like to laugh at the double-edged sword that exists in social practices surrounding expectations of men. Whenever I am eating with my boyfriend at a restaurant I chuckle every time the check is placed on *his* side of the table and not mine, as in waiters are expecting/wrongly assuming the man will be the one paying.
I also laughed that one time I was in a gaming convention last year and there was a (very, very long) line for the men's bathroom and the women's was close to empty! :laugh:
I would definitely say girls suffer a tad bit more from problems due to societal expectations of women compared to men, but I am enjoying the benefits I have attained, haven't you?!
When I was male-presenting, men weren't going out of their way to be nice to me because they didn't want to be seen as gay. Women weren't going out of their way to be nice to me because, well, I was a short, Asian male.
Now both women AND men are extremely nice to me haha. Women because women talk to each other, and are nice to each other most of the times; men because I have fortunately transitioned into an okay looking young lady. Literally transition has given me its fair share of problems, but EVERYONE is compartively nicer to me as a female than when I presented male.
Hahahaha an okay looking young lady? Girl you're killing me here... trust me when I say, you're so hot that you could melt asbestos...
I did experience the same thing that you had at the gaming convention but for me it's at tech conferences and training. I went for training for puppet (a systems management tool) a few months ago. The only woman in the class was me. Going to the restroom? Well, it was empty except for me. Oh, the receptionist was there too :\ Sad state of affairs. I will definitely be encouraging my daughters (and my son) to pursue whatever they want, career wise.
Going to home improvement stores is also a wholly different experience now. The store clerks are now all too willing to give me unsolicited advice on how to fix things. I'm like, "thanks but I know how to fix a toilet."
Quote from: iKate on January 11, 2016, 10:17:10 AM
...
Going to home improvement stores is also a wholly different experience now. The store clerks are now all too willing to give me unsolicited advice on how to fix things. I'm like, "thanks but I know how to fix a toilet."
Hehe, yeah.. It is sad and funny at the same time how expectations of people change depending on their perceived gender. I experienced this many times, the difference is quite big.
Thank you for pointing out some of the changes we experience and some of the misogyny that is often behind it. That business of not being taken seriously was one of my sadly too often realized fears about transition. Working in a female dominated world during my career it was easy to see sexism in action. Even some friends were too ready to start the teasing when i first came out; "OK go get in the kitchen then" duh! Some think I am now less capable of driving or math! It is harder, IMO, to be respected for our talents when a woman's appearance is sooo important. Welcome to a woman's world huh?
And then this is one of the gifts of being transgender. We gain knowledge through experience and perspective that can allow for real empathy and compassion for others. That walk a mile in my high heels thing :D
Some guys do act boorish and in the thralls of some testosterone and cultural haze. Heck i felt horrible horniness most of my adult life and the libido changes with transition most welcome. Some women also trade on their looks. There are great guys who act like gentlemen, LordKAT, and I believe trans men are helping to create more expansive and inclusive definitions of manhood.
As we evolve this behavior may diminish and we can look forward to a future when the contents of our character are more important than the contents of our pants/panties.
Nice to see your smile BTW ;D
I've said it before and I'll say it again. The best part of transitioning is not being recognized as a guy anymore. The worst part is the same thing. You don't realize just how much men talk down to women until you're at the other end of it.
Quote from: Emileeeee on January 11, 2016, 04:29:42 PM
I've said it before and I'll say it again. The best part of transitioning is not being recognized as a guy anymore. The worst part is the same thing. You don't realize just how much men talk down to women until you're at the other end of it.
Yep... it's affirming but eye opening too.
Quote from: Tessa James on January 11, 2016, 04:10:37 PM
Thank you for pointing out some of the changes we experience and some of the misogyny that is often behind it. That business of not being taken seriously was one of my sadly too often realized fears about transition. Working in a female dominated world during my career it was easy to see sexism in action. Even some friends were too ready to start the teasing when i first came out; "OK go get in the kitchen then" duh! Some think I am now less capable of driving or math! It is harder, IMO, to be respected for our talents when a woman's appearance is sooo important. Welcome to a woman's world huh?
And then this is one of the gifts of being transgender. We gain knowledge through experience and perspective that can allow for real empathy and compassion for others. That walk a mile in my high heels thing :D
Some guys do act boorish and in the thralls of some testosterone and cultural haze. Heck i felt horrible horniness most of my adult life and the libido changes with transition most welcome. Some women also trade on their looks. There are great guys who act like gentlemen, LordKAT, and I believe trans men are helping to create more expansive and inclusive definitions of manhood.
As we evolve this behavior may diminish and we can look forward to a future when the contents of our character are more important than the contents of our pants/panties.
Nice to see your smile BTW ;D
The whole "bro" culture is especially pervasive in tech. I do know my stuff but sometimes I just get treated like dirt.
But you know what? Overcoming adversity, beating the odds and defying the haters is 100% my thing.
And thanks! Going to be smiling a lot more hopefully! Have my transition road map ahead of me, going for FFS this year and SRS toward the tail end or maybe next year.
Oh, and I wouldn't mind a good trans man in my future. I am fine with either cis or trans. :)
Hustle until the Haters ask if you're hiring... get it!
Quote from: iKate on January 11, 2016, 06:33:44 PM
The whole "bro" culture is especially pervasive in tech. I do know my stuff but sometimes I just get treated like dirt.
But you know what? Overcoming adversity, beating the odds and defying the haters is 100% my thing.
I have been programming for over 30 years. A lot of my programming work has been doing very deep system level stuff or doing system or application architecture. I can find my way around a keyboard.
Lately I seem to have lost 50-75 IQ points with the guys. I get far more questions about what I doing because they think i'm suddenly incompetent. I always got talked over in meetings because I have a soft voice so i'm used to that but I still find it infuriating, especially when I know that the wrong approach is being discussed and I can't get a word in edgewise. I've come to realize that dominating a meeting is a male posturing for position on the totem pole thing with other males, so I now wait until they are done talking and then point out where they went wrong.
I'm in a senior level position so they can't just dismiss me :laugh:
For some reason men don't pay any attention to me so I have not experienced the men hitting on me thing. In fact, no one pays any attention to me whatsoever. Perhaps everyone finds me old or unattractive or something? I did recently get my rear end grabbed walking down the street one night leaving a club but thats about it.
I'm a principal developer myself and I have the exact same issue in meetings. I hate having to listen to a 10 minute discussion about how to do something when they're basing it all on the wrong information.
I spec out things to purchase like hardware and software.
I recently evaluated a software package for monitoring. The initial rep was a woman, and I was happy to work with her.
I got busy because we have been absolutely slammed here. Try working for a TV station that covers political news in an election year and you will understand what I mean.
I told them that.
Lo and behold they swapped her out for a more aggressive male sales person to try and close the sale... I wasn't happy. I told them I want to work with the other person as I felt more comfortable with her. Haven't heard back yet.
I really don't like sexism because I'm experiencing it myself.
As we touched the subject, a cis woman colleague told me: welcome to the woman's world.
Indeed, since I am full time and actually passing enough, I get my share of this too. But also nice things, like boys getting confused and nice to me. Since at least my voice is not passing, the most common thing outside the work is cashiers forgetting to press confirmation, so I am waiting for them to notice that and finally push the button that will show me the price before I insert my card. The block conveniently happens when I greet them.
Different men react differently. One rather notable case is that with guy who mans up by talking louder and more commanding. Not only to me, but to everyone. While aware that I am around.
Perhaps it is my personality and the culture of my company that allows me to get through that wall with very little force. Apart from the fact I am still loaded with T and sound like a man. But when I get through the barrier, I better be sure of what I am going to say and how I am going to say it, because I am under more spotlight than before. I sense that every mistake is treated harder than if I was that man a year ago. Also, every success is less valued than if I was that man a year ago.
Being loaded with T, I am also getting chance to practice and learn for later how to handle situations that will not be going away on the course of my career in the IT. I observed and understood those patterns towards women long before I was out, and also then it looked like something I can live with. It was hurting more to have to listen to it and not be out, than being out and just knowing it is being said without hearing it.
In no way I think I'd be better off in the US. I think where I am it is safer and healthier for a woman to be in the IT.
Reality check. It is time to amend the above.
I have been with the company long enough as a man that it is a little difficult to meet people who don't know that man. Recently, I saw how it is with the newcomers. Some people think they are entitled to being right, and it looks like it is because they are men. That last guy looked so confident while being told in face what is wrong with what he just had said. He wasn't even listening.
It probably comes with marginal passing. While those who know that man from before still have got some respect left, the others only know me. Wohoo, woman in the IT.
Our stories are so showing the gender based bias. The treatment before / after thing.
Martine, your post is timely.
It's really funny watching guys being self proclaimed experts because the girl doesn't know anything.
I went to Home Depot for shear pins for my snow thrower yesterday because we have a winter storm coming. I called out to a store associate who was just finishing up talking to another customer.
Associate: "Let me just deal with this young lady (me) here."
Me: "Hi! Good afternoon. I want to know where I can find shear pins for my snow thrower."
Associate:"Right this way, ma'am."
Then he shows me where they are.
Associate:"I bet you don't know what kind you need, right?"
Oh really. I wonder why he assumed that.
Me:"Well..."
Associate interrupted me and proceeded to give me a long explanation I didn't need.
I pointed to the ones I needed and said,"Thanks but I'll just take these because they're what I've been buying for years."
As I've been telling a cis friend - male privilege is real. It is an adjustment not having it but I knew it came with the territory. So I just have to deal.
The same sort of thing happened to me a few weeks ago. I went into a Retrovision store to buy a lead to connect USB sticks to my phone. As I was explaining what I wanted he interrupted me, started explaining about male to female leads ( I got a kick out of that) and tried to suggest what I wanted was wrong. I then had to go so far as to show him a picture of what I wanted. In the end I didn't buy one from him.
Lol. I went into local phone company store, cause they had just stocked Samsung Gear S2 smartwatches.
I liked those because of their functionality and aesthetics, and although I am not dealing with the typical genetic female issue when deciding upon smartwatch (wrist size vs. watch size), my wrist is not that big as of average guy and I did not want the watch give the impression that I was having a brick on my arm (and Gear S2 did fit my requirements nicely).
So... the sporty version comes in two sizes, black and silver, with correspoding black and white straps accordingly.
Salesguy: Hey! Can I help You with something?
Me: Oh, I dunno, I was looking for smartwatch, particularly Gear S2 by Samsung (me points down where the box with the black watch is). I was wondering if You have the same model in silver with white straps, because I dont really like or want black colour?
Salesguy: Yes, this is very nice watch with decent specifications. I have tested it myself and it works almost like a low-end smartphone with all those cool applications in there.
Me: Yes, thank You I know that. I have actually researched it a lot, read the blogs and watched YT reviews. I sort of know what kind of watch it is... Now, I was wondering if it is available in white...
Salesguys: (blinks and then grins). We just received them as an extra courtesy from Samsung. And of course Samsung could not imagine that... somebody might have their own personal preferences and wish their smartwatch to be in silver and white. So they only gave as black. (At this point I could not believe what I was hearing). But if You prefer something in... white... have You considered Apple Watch? (points towards one in white).
Me: (blink). And how exactly is this nice and white Apple Watch going to work with my Samsung Galaxy S4?
Salesman: Oh. It wont, of course.
And another case was when I was buying smart-cover for my tablet, the guy was inquiring me a couple of times if I am sure that I have exactly that type of tablet (Tab S, 10 inches). I tried to assure him that I should be the most knowledgeable person in that respect, but upon giving me receipt, he winked at me and told me to keep it - just in case if my tablet would suddenly not be Tab S...
Quote from: DanielleA on January 23, 2016, 05:03:35 AM
The same sort of thing happened to me a few weeks ago. I went into a Retrovision store to buy a lead to connect USB sticks to my phone. As I was explaining what I wanted he interrupted me, started explaining about male to female leads ( I got a kick out of that) and tried to suggest what I wanted was wrong. I then had to go so far as to show him a picture of what I wanted. In the end I didn't buy one from him.
Oh, yeah, ironically that is indeed USB male-to-female OTG connector (I have two of these and can highly recomend them) - they rule :)
Quote from: iKate on January 23, 2016, 04:50:03 AM
it came with the territory.
[ I ] Heard that phrase recently for first time, thought it matches what came with my social transition.
Being accepted as no less than a woman is where it heads to. Re men privilege, it is giving up something almost nobody would, to gain something you want, and badly so.
What can happen though is that trans person is treated as less than a woman both by men and women. At work, one person is enough to erode safety of the work environment. Cis women should know well how subtle harassment can be and how hard [it is] to prove. If that is one person harassing many, they will fall sooner or later. If that is many persons targeting one, the odds are far worse. A trans person can end up there more likely than a cis one.
Quote from: DanielleA on January 23, 2016, 05:03:35 AM
The same sort of thing happened to me a few weeks ago. I went into a Retrovision store to buy a lead to connect USB sticks to my phone. As I was explaining what I wanted he interrupted me, started explaining about male to female leads ( I got a kick out of that) and tried to suggest what I wanted was wrong. I then had to go so far as to show him a picture of what I wanted. In the end I didn't buy one from him.
I tell people like that what I do for a living and that usually shuts them up.
Quote from: Martine A. on January 23, 2016, 09:51:38 AM
[ I ] Heard that phrase recently for first time, thought it matches what came with my social transition.
Being accepted as no less than a woman is where it heads to. Re men privilege, it is giving up something almost nobody would, to gain something you want, and badly so.
What can happen though is that trans person is treated as less than a woman both by men and women. At work, one person is enough to erode safety of the work environment. Cis women should know well how subtle harassment can be and how hard [it is] to prove. If that is one person harassing many, they will fall sooner or later. If that is many persons targeting one, the odds are far worse. A trans person can end up there more likely than a cis one.
That is true if you are open at work. I am only open to my immediate colleagues. Female employees in other departments got a memo from their managers just in case of bathroom or locker room issues and even so just departments I deal with.
So I'm really not fully out to everyone at work. I don't want to be known as "the Trans girl" or "the girl who used to be a guy. I just want to be known as me.
Granted this is only possible if you "pass" which I do to a good enough extent to have no trouble in daily life.
When I worked in silly con valley, the ratio of eligible men to women was 2 to 1. So getting hit on was a daily occurrence to me. I sluffed most of them off and wish I had shunned the turd that I ended up marrying. He was just so smooth and slick in his behavior. That's life.
I'm 60 years old this year and I still get hit on on FaceBook all the time. Men fall madly in love with me in their first message. Right. I do know what they want. Even after coming out publicly, they are madly in love at first sight. Right. These are real turds of the world.
Yes, there are some really decent guys out there. But there are a lot of wacky messed up prima-donnas who just want to get off. This is the natural order of things I suppose. I had a psychologist friend of mine tell me that men fantasize about sex on average twice a minute during their waking hours. I don't know if that's true, but from my personal experience, I'd say that at least half the male population are that way.
Yes, I am very suspicious of any guy. I've been burned. I'll likely never develop a serious relationship again with a guy. I suppose after 30 years being heterosexual, I'm thinking I'm willing to try the other side of the fence.
Cindi
Quote from: iKate on January 23, 2016, 11:58:47 AM
I don't want to be known as "the Trans girl" or "the girl who used to be a guy. I just want to be known as me.
This is so me too.... I'm 100% out at work so everyone knows, I think to many I'm just going to be "the Trans girl"... or worse: The guy who dresses like a girl (I get this sense a lot, which sucks).
I'm curious how things will go once we experience either some turnover in staff and/or expansion. Hopefully those who have been here can keep their mouths shut but I doubt it.
Quote from: Emjay on January 23, 2016, 12:29:39 PM
This is so me too.... I'm 100% out at work so everyone knows, I think to many I'm just going to be "the Trans girl"... or worse: The guy who dresses like a girl (I get this sense a lot, which sucks).
I don't get that at all.
People treat me like a woman, fully and completely. I am involved in all the women's social activities (bridal showers, baby showers, shopping trips etc), guys hold the door for me, I am called "sweetie" and "sunshine" by the cafeteria guys (who probably don't know I'm Trans though) and female colleagues like working on projects with me. I get complimented on my dress and makeup and not in an unusual way, just like how cis women compliment each other.
People even strike up conversations with me in the women's restroom when I'm fixing my clothing, makeup, contact lenses or other stuff.
This may sound cliche but you have to basically be fully immersed in the role. I am and it is very natural to me. I don't even think about how I go about daily life. I just do and I'm never misgendered. That basically ended a couple of months after I went full time. There were things here and there like one colleague who used to call me "man" but that ended when I called him out on it.
However I don't know for sure what people are thinking. That said, I think most people are over the fact that I'm Trans now and mostly just bother me to do their tickets and work on their projects lol.
What helps is that I defend other women who are sometimes treated as inferior by other people. I am a very straightforward no nonsense person (I am a middle manager so I have to be that way). They like that I stick up for them so I'm "adopted" into the circle. It's sort of like paying it forward which I love to do.
As for turnover - people don't disclose my medical history. I suspect most new employees and interns do not know. Either way all they know me as is Kate. We have a lot of turnover and I've been there since 2007. I may end up leaving for other reasons. I've been getting interviews and people like my personality, saying I'm a very personable person. I still want to finish my surgeries and as I was telling my endo I want to just push my transition out of the way and get on with my life.
I wish I didn't get it.... I am, however, just finishing up my first two months full time so hopefully it'll trend upward from here. Some days everyone gets it right, others no one does. It's really weird.
You're right, about the turnover thing and not disclosing medical history but I doubt people will think of it as medical history where I work. Just a feeling I get and hopefully I'm wrong.
I'm not trying to make it sound like my workplace is awful at all either, my employer has been 100% accepting and for the most part so have all of the people there. I get lots of compliments from other women and give a lot too. I've had people tell me how much they like me now over "old" me because I'm much more positive and outgoing. I really am thankful for that, I just hope that people will see me as who I really am rather than who I pretended to be when I started there.
Bottom line is it just takes time I suppose, I should come back and re-read this thread in a year and see how different things are.
Quote from: iKate on January 23, 2016, 11:58:47 AM
Granted this is only possible if you "pass" which I do to a good enough extent to have no trouble in daily life.
No medical help for me yet. It is not in sight even.
Regardless of being lucky to somewhat pass, my situation is
known pretty much
to everyone at the company. So, even full passing wouldn't do much difference. On one end, I know I am known as 'that girl', on the other end I am stress-free as to whether my past identity will be brought up or not. Policies allow me to give people red light if they want to bring it up.
Slowly I am facing more and more challenges women are exposed to, and also some trans things (read: subtle to moderate harassment) on the top of that. Being still loaded with T helps dealing with emotions and ... men. Hopefully no trans-exclusionary radical feminists on the path.
It would have been tougher if I had just started HRT. Getting everything so painfully slow has its perks, except the later I get to HRT, the less of my beauty will be preserved.
The last things I can do for myself, is work [more] on the voice and finish removing facial hair. After that, really nothing more I can do, except self-medicating, provided there is a way around the strict control over meds here.
Girl problems over heeere. Trans worries largely went out the window early on and were quickly supplanted by the unforeseen concerns and issues with being a woman. I really didn't understand men and women before but I certainly do now... I deal with a lot of sexism and misogyny. I deal with guys thinking they know more than me, being talked over, being automatically assumed to be a sex-object and thus have to prove myself and 'surprise' men when I actually know things... Or frustrate them when I know 'too much'. Feminism has become a big thing with me. And having lived with my ex-boyfriend most of last year, gone on dates, and talked with a lot of guys in general, I can safely say that the majority of guys out there suck in one way or another. I mean, they just do. This may be misandrist, but I think it's being a realist. Testosterone just turns them into sex-crazed pigs, and male culture reinforces this as well as misogynistic attitudes. I could really rant about this ad nauseam. However, on the flip-side, I understand many guys have good traits too. Guys struggle with gender issues and roles too. I sometimes have to remind myself that guys have other emotions than being horny, and have other wants and needs that aren't sexual. And guys can be very interesting because they're so different from women. So even though I often say I'm going to become a lesbian I SWEAR,... I still find myself attracted to men, and sometimes hating myself for it.
And I'm currently dating another guy... He's pretty awesome. Makes me feel all squiggly. But I'm cautiously optimistic. I need to figure out what his motives are. It seems he wants more than just sex, even though he gets very sexual in conversation sometimes (and I'm guilty of encouraging it at times..) he does talk about other things and taking me out places that don't involve sex. Even volunteered to meet my parents some time and cook for them! But the way guys behave, the way they talk about sex all the time... it really makes me forget they have other needs and wants sometimes. Makes me wonder why they would want an actual relationship instead of just sex.
As for women, things can be confusing. I am still attracted to women, so it's nice in a way I can check 'em out without feeling too creepy, but then flirting is a minefield. Other times there's a compulsion to compliment clothes or shoes or hair, etc. Both getting and giving these compliments. Then sometimes there's actual flirting. It's very weird, very confusing. Especially because, in general, women are nicer to me. And I do get the random conversations thing, in the bathroom or wherever. And other women are more prone to telling me their life story when we're in line ordering coffee, lol. But there are times women can be very cold. I think this stems from jealousy. So it's a bit odd dealing with that... However, it is very nice having female friends and family that I can talk to about girl issues like all this, boy problems, feminist topics, and PMS. :) It's all quite different though but I've adapted pretty well.
But one thing that is hard to adapt to... guy friends. I feel like this is a much more difficult thing to have now, and weird because I used to have quite a few. As it is, most of my friends are attracted to me, regardless of gender. And I'm flirty, so that doesn't help. And with meeting new guys, I feel like it's automatic sexual-tension. I know if a guy talks to me, he's probably thinking about screwing me, and that's a bit awkward. And though a lot of guys love that I have geeky interests, it's mostly a nice bonus to their sexual interest... So it's hard to really be taken seriously, or have a conversation about mutual interests that is devoid of sexual innuendo or something.. Plus, I'm no longer oblivious to a lot of this stuff, so just knowing all this in the back of my mind makes it difficult to even try to establish friendship. Usually, if I try to be friends with a guy, it's because I've put them in the friend-zone, and that's just always hanging over our heads... :/
Anyway, yeah... lots of unexpected issues with adopting the female gender roles, and being perceived as female now. There are times it's quite stressful, and hard to get used to. Even though I thought I was barely passing as a guy, I realize now that there was a lot of male privilege I took for granted.
I really like reading these experiences, thanks for sharing. Even as presenting as a guy I am fairly use to being talked over in the work place. I was thinking it was because I talk with a soft voice. A few months ago I was on a job that it was eye opening how much I got talked over. I even waited and waited for the chance to speak and they made sure as soon as I did they talked louder. That was part because I don't think they were nice people and not usually that bad.