This is totally random and is probably something that only affects me, but has anybody else noticed that their dysphoria gets worse as the day progresses?
Like today, I woke up ready to start the day as a man, very sure of myself. But just a few hours later I start to question things again. By afternoon, it's full blown dysphoria. And come bedtime, I can barely get to sleep because I'm obsessing over my gender so much. Right now, it's 2 A.M. and it's the only thing on my brain, but tomorrow morning I'll be laughing at how ridiculous I was being.
I don't always experience it this way. Sometimes it's just pure torture all day long and sometimes I go a whole day without ever thinking about this stuff. But I seem to experience this more days than not. Is this at all normal, or is some other mental issue possibly at work here?
(Naturally, I'm also quietly wondering if this somehow disqualifies me from being trans. I know, probably not. But I'm thinking it.) ;)
That sounds like most of my adult life. Then I transitioned and it all went away.
I hate to admit it, but I completely understand what you are speaking of. Nighttime was always the worst, nighttime was when I always felt I was facing the whole conundrum on my own and felt most overwhelmed. On my worst night I remember walking out of my apartment, locking myself in the car, and calling the transgender lifeline in order to keep myself from doing something foolish.
For what it's worth now, Cindy is right. I'm finally on HRT and I can look outside at night and reflect on how pretty it is - instead of how overwhelmed I feel.
In the intermediary, on days like those before HRT, I would go to the all night pancake house and nurse a pot of coffee or beverage. If you tip worth the time you are there, they are usually okay with it and you can meet some interesting people.
I feel like things getting worse at night doesn't only apply to dysphoria.
When I was younger (between 8 and 11) I used to have a lot of trouble sleeping. I found my anxiety vastly increased at night and 'bad thoughts' relating to my depression worsened to an extent where I would watch the same film over and over every night until I passed out (not always literally) from lack of sleep because I was scared to close my eyes.
When we are left alone with our thoughts, unsurprisingly 'bad' ones become more dominant as there's no distractions. There's not really a way to fix this as such, but what I would recommend is finding resolutions or trying to work through problems - regarding dysphoria I found working out time scales for hormone treatment, surgeries ect. helped, but also figuring out -why- I am feeling that way and for how long (this can also be reassuring if you are having doubts, in my experience realising that issues have been present since early childhood helps).
The more confident you become in your identity, the less you should be feeling this. Don't doubt yourself, and don't let your body be a cage.
I hope things improve for you very soon.
In the morning I'm annoyed, but the gender dysphoria doesn't get at the worst before later at the days. Later at the day it's hell. I experience dysphoria almost everyday. I've experienced it for two years now. I guess I have to go through 5 or 7 years with torture, because first I have to be adult and after that I have to talk with the doctors in many years, before I can start treatment. Norway is a strict country. I relate much of what you wrote.
This is the reason I take a prescription sleeping pill, but still can't sleep no more then 7.5 hrs a night. Been that way since I was 13, my sleep patterns when I was a truck driver were worse.
I experience the lack of sleep. I will get up and check this forum and a few other sites.
While I did initially experience the building up of anxiety through the day, I find if I am busy at work, it is not so bad until I am alone. Sounds like you could use some diversion techniques.
So sorry for how hard it gets through the day. I can only hope it gets better as you continue on.
With warmth,
Joanna
It often is the case for me too.
I chalk it up to the busy day is over. No more safety.hiding in the diversions and distractions of a typical workday (my lot in life since 16). The end of the day where we all tend to get haunted by our demons, and often try to vanquish them one way or another