Are there any FtMs on here who are very afraid to go outside alone at night?
I mean, I will do it if I really have to. But otherwise I do avoid it as much as I can. I think its because I have been socialized as female to either stay indoors during the night time or when I do have to go out at night I need to always be armed with a weapon (i.e. pepper spray) and/or be accompanied preferably with a male companion like my dad or brother.
So are there any FtMs on here who feel like me in this area also? Thanks.
Also, should I feel guilty or wrong for feeling scared to go out at night like this? I think it isn't "manly" for men to be afraid to go out at night. But I can't help but to be scared because of how I was socialized to begin with. I guess that's a bit of internalized sexism too. Sorry. >.<
I don't blame you. Male or female, going out at night nowadays is a dangerous thing. I would prefer to get my business done during the day as well. Recently, a cis guy at my church was walking at night, and he was jumped by a pack of guys and mugged, and this dude seemed like the type who could handle himself well.
I don't think that there will be anyone on this forum to tell you to feel guilty about such a thing. My father used to tell me when I was young things like never going fishing alone, and only guys should do that......or a lesbian (his words not mine).
There's no shame in wanting to be accompanied with a male. I know it could seem unmanly, but there there's power in numbers.
I think it depends on where you live. If it's dangerous there then caution is smart.
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I'd say do as you feel comfortable.
Don't overthink, if you do not feel comfortable you don't.
You might try to pass as well as its reasonable, and have a look at how people react.
If they perceive you as male its very likely you feel more comfortable, and get used to possibly having more space for yourself.
Its possible this way you get used to going out later and finally at night.
hugs
Quote from: Deborah on January 15, 2016, 02:20:18 PM
I think it depends on where you live. If it's dangerous there then caution is smart.
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I don't think its as dangerous as the city. I live in a small town. But I remember walking down the street at night once and two guys started walking towards me until I started walking towards the street where all the cars were. And one other time, I remember someone shouting at me, "Could you eat my butthole?!" while walking down that same stupid street during the broad daylight hours. O.o Yeah, I kid you not.
I feel uncomfortable walking in the downtown during weekend nights when there are lot of drunken people. You never know what they're gonna do. Fortunately most of the bars and pubs are concentrated on one area there so I can avoid it quite easily.
Now I feel reluctant for other reasons. It's related to the things going on Europe at the moment. Not gonna delve deeply into it...
From what I've understood, pepper sprays are under permit here and both open and concealed carry are very illegal. So I just opt to avoiding the areas than breaking the law.
Quote from: King Malachite on January 15, 2016, 02:15:03 PM
There's no shame in wanting to be accompanied with a male. I know it could seem unmanly, but there there's power in numbers.
This. And nothing wrong about being concerned about your own safety. :)
There's a real disconnect between the ways that men and women are socialized about fears and dangers. MtF folks often experience exactly the opposite of what you're feeling now. Socialized as males, they often have an under-appreciation of risks they face on the street in female presentation. In MtF transition, we have to pay conscious attention to learn how cis-women act and react in relation to risk.
I don't know how far along you are in the transition process. If you are still largely female in appearance, it wouldn't make sense to run risks that you wouldn't take even if you weren't transgendered. Male on female violence is real.
As your transition advances, you may end up re-evaluating your attitude towards social risk. But your safety is paramount! If something inside you is telling you "I shouldn't do this," please listen to that feeling! And don't feel guilty about it. It's not about guilt.
Every once in a while, we read a story in the news about a TG person being violently attacked, and some of them (too damn many!) have died. Don't end up a dead hero. You have a long life ahead of you.
I don't usually post here, but being "socialized" on the other side of the fence, I felt like I had valid input. Men aren't really taught to not be afraid, they're just not taught to be afraid. It never even occurred to me that it was dangerous to go out alone at night until I started seriously considering a transition and heard from my girl friends about how they won't go out at night in what seemed like a good neighborhood to me. That being said, I was smart enough to avoid bad neighborhoods at night and be cautious around certain types of people. I think it's better to be cautious than to be oblivious to the dangers though.
Definitely don't feel guilty. It's not internalized sexism, it's a real threat women face so there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that it (and socialization for it) exists. I was raised very non-binary and, as such, I have always under appreciated the risks and am probably lucky nothing ever happened to me. I personally feel 100% safe doing things like jogging at night now because of the reactions I get from men I pass. (I usually get a "bro nod".). But I still wouldn't walk through a really bad neighborhood at night or even alone with a female. Not because I don't think ladies can handle themselves but because I know that it is unlikely that possible muggers would see a female companion as a threat. You should do what makes you feel comfortable but as someone who used to work as a teacher in the ghetto I would suggest that no one who didn't grow up in those neighborhoods walk alone in them after dark. Personal safety is important, and better safe than sorry!
Definitely don't feel like you're somehow less of a man for feeling unsafe being outside at night. It's just common sense. I'm always afraid if I have to do the same thing even though I live in a nice suburb near a large mixed city. I tend to try and make myself seem as intimidating as possible (standing up straight, nice dark mens clothes, plus a glare if needed) so I don't get jumped on. It sucks even more for trans men though because we tend to be less than average in height compared to cis men, making us an easier target.
Additionally part of the reason I haven't gone to a trans social group for a while is because they're held late at night :/
For me, it depends on the place. I grew up in a developing rural community and generally wasn't socialized to be afraid of much aside from certain kinds of wildlife. Any place I've ever lived, I've felt fairly safe out at night. When I first moved to the city I currently live in, I got followed once while walking my dog late at night. Applied for a concealed carry permit the next day. I don't go anywhere unarmed anymore.
But there are some places I can't legally carry, like DC where I work. And given a lot of the crime trends (apparently attacking people with your friends is very popular for high schoolers nowadays), I do feel unsafe in certain situations there. I've just had to make choices about clients I will/won't work with based on geography, or times of day where I won't work. I don't take public transportation. I have a dash cam in my car. I've made myself a very unattractive victim by reducing my vulnerability.
You may not be able to stop people from doing bad things, but you can make it inconvenient for them to do so and empower yourself at the same time. It's good to be aware of your surroundings and to recognize when you're not in a good position, but don't stop living your life.
And I wouldn't say there's anything not manly about it. Everyone is afraid of something. Men just typically aren't conditioned to fear physical violence. Women are. As a FTM, you're kind of lucky in that way. Like Emileeeee said, MTFs have to learn how to read and respond to those situations. You already know.
Hey everyone. Thank you so much for those replies. They were all helpful and very appreciated.
Also, does anyone here take any martial arts?
I know you do Judo, Max. You never had to use it on the streets to defend yourself have you? And even if you haven't, does the knowledge of knowing how to defend yourself with Judo make you feel more comfortable outside at night? There is a martial arts school nearby my house that teaches Krav Maga. I'm thinking about checking it out later down the line. I think that if I learned a martial art, that would help ease alot of tension I feel about being outside at all, night or day.
Quote from: King Phoenix on January 15, 2016, 09:16:47 PM
Hey everyone. Thank you so much for those replies. They were all helpful and very appreciated.
Also, does anyone here take any martial arts?
I know you do Judo, Max. You never had to use it on the streets to defend yourself have you? And even if you haven't, does the knowledge of knowing how to defend yourself with Judo make you feel more comfortable outside at night? There is a martial arts school nearby my house that teaches Krav Maga. I'm thinking about checking it out later down the line. I think that if I learned a martial art, that would help ease alot of tension I feel about being outside at all, night or day.
You might pick up a martial art if you like it.
But there are courses going for a day specifically for people showing how to defend themselves.
Included are usually lessons in how to be aware its the persons right to defend themselves, and which soft points to go for.
Imo much of this is also a mental thing.
Being overly fearful attracts people, they can sense this. Being confident and ruling out violence might be helpful.
A lady having a regal stance is usually not threatened.
Same for male persons.
hugs
To expand on Laura's comment, there are some thing you can do to both be and feel less vulnerable. This coming from a male socialized perspective.
The most important thing is just to be constantly aware of your environment. See and hear what's around you and if something isn't feeling or looking right then leave the area before trouble starts.
Then you have to project an aura of invincibility and not outwardly show fear. I honestly can't really explain this well other than to say it's learned and practiced. It's not the same as being simply oblivious either nor is it the same as acting thuggish. It's more a thing of silent confidence. Think James Bond or Steven Segal from the movies.
And knowing self defense moves and being confident you can use them helps you project that aura. Some of these are very simple too, knowing vulnerable areas of the body that can instantly disable or kill. Keep the attitude in your mind that you will never instigate trouble but that if someone else does then one person will die. Be mentally prepared to be a bezerker.
Lastly, maintain a decent level of physical fitness. That shows in how you carry yourself and gives you self confidence.
Anyway, that's how it's always worked for me and the last time anybody tried picking on me was when I was 13 and decided that it wasn't ever going to happen again.
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Well... no. I enjoy going out at night by myself. I have no fear of it. I used to wander about in whatever city I was living in at all hours, sometimes I had a job that meant I got out at 5 a.m. and walked home through the city center. Which was usually a ghost town at that time.
That said. I ALWAYS carried a defensive object of some sort, knife, kubotan, whatever. The city I grew up in was known to be 'rough'. My dad taught me some useful martial arts. As a kid I would sometimes just go out and wander around in the night to avoid listening to my parents trying to half kill each other. Happy families.
I wasn't socialized to be afraid of it - my parents didn't care where I was most of the time. But I am aware of what I'm doing and I'm careful. Probably wouldn't still be around if I wasn't. It's wise to be aware of your surroundings at all times.
Women are socialized to avoid going out alone at night but statistically speaking, men are far more likely to be violently attacked out there than women are.
I carry but situational awareness is still key. I avoid certain areas at night like downtown Newark or Paterson.
Quote from: King Phoenix on January 15, 2016, 09:16:47 PM
I know you do Judo, Max. You never had to use it on the streets to defend yourself have you? And even if you haven't, does the knowledge of knowing how to defend yourself with Judo make you feel more comfortable outside at night? There is a martial arts school nearby my house that teaches Krav Maga. I'm thinking about checking it out later down the line. I think that if I learned a martial art, that would help ease alot of tension I feel about being outside at all, night or day.
I took jiu-jitsu classes as a kid. I boxed and kickboxed as a teenager. I've got a black belt in Judo. In the police academy we were taught Krav Maga. I've trained with some recognizable names in the mixed martial arts world. Yet I have only had to defend myself a few times, and those were all as a police officer in the line of duty and not a civilian walking around at night. I think that is largely due to the way I carry myself.
I will co-sign what Deborah and Kate said - it's not necessarily having the skills, it's having the confidence and knowledge. Part of that is having situational awareness and making yourself an unappealing victim. The other part is not showing fear. If I'm an attacker and I have a choice in attacking a guy who seems to be aware of what is going on around him, who is looking around/doesn't have his eyes glued to his phone, who looks confident - or a guy who's walking quickly, eyes down, maybe with headphones in, hands in his pockets, or looking at his phone. I'm going to go for the second guy. He's given me non-verbal cues that he will not put up as much of a fight as the other guy, or that it will be easier to overcome what fight he does bring.
A disadvantage you have as someone AFAB is that you've likely been socialized to placate and appear nice, or ignore anyone that bothers you. Don't do that. Make eye contact with people, address them in passing. You can avoid 99% of conflicts by making yourself unappealing and knowing what is going on around you. The 1% that are unavoidable can either be run away from or fought out of, and both of those will come down to skills.
A lot of martial arts schools teach some situational awareness in their lessons. I would say focus on something that is meant for self-defense. Krav Maga is ideal because that is solely what it was designed for. It would give you skills, understanding, and confidence. That would get my vote.
^ Great points by FTMax.
I'm sure I've avoided trouble most of the time by appearing confident. Apparently I have a glare that is very off-putting. When I first went to uni at 19 and was living alone in a new city by myself, another student I was rooming with said: "whoa. You have scary eyes. Like 'touch me and you're dead' eyes. I've seen you walking about looking like you're going to kill someone." I never knew I was sporting this look but apparently I do whenever I'm wandering about alone. I look at people and size them up, and never wear headphones and stuff like that while walking. A more lively gait and looking like you're fully aware of your surroundings signals to would-be attackers you're ready for them.
On the occasions I did get trouble - of a different kind - open threats have done the trick, not least because I'm usually not bluffing about what I'll do if someone lays hands on. Stay away from groups though if you're not in one yourself.
^Definitely a great point here also, by T.K.G.W. about having The Look.
I was told I had that a couple of times throughout my life by relatives. Like the kind that is very reminiscent of gangsta rappers like Ice Cube or something. Like a look that says "stay back or die," like what you said. The thing is that I don't always sport that look when I know I should or really want to but for some reason I can't at the time. I guess when I get time I should practice this, but I think one reason I am not as willful with it at times is because I've practiced quite a bit to be the opposite of that; friendly. I see now how this can work against me in times of danger. Haha....yeah...
From how you describe The Look, T.K.G.W., I'd stay miles away from you. Haha. I mean, I think some people have to seriously be mentally challenged if they keep doing things to intentionally set people off who's got a mean set of eyes the way you described.
I can't say that I am. Even when I was being socialized as female I would go out at night often and so would my friends, many of whom were female. I think it just depends on what you were taught when you were younger and what kind of experiences you' had with being out in the dark regardless of gender (although girls are more commonly taught not to be out during the night). I know guys who don't like to be out at night, there's nothing to be ashamed of about it.
Quote from: Deborah on January 15, 2016, 02:20:18 PM
I think it depends on where you live. If it's dangerous there then caution is smart.
This. It also depends on the mood if the outdoors is safe.
I myself had one very very bad experience. See here (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,196157.msg1746342.html#msg1746342).
Quote from: Martine A. on September 19, 2015, 01:52:37 AM
That was more than 1km of following and saying things like [to me]:
- You like big ones? I've got ... (sound with tongue)
- Nice ass.
- Sexyyy!
- (Making kissing noise that sounds like tearing nylons)
- What is it on your phone?
- Wanna call me?
- Good legs.
- (Dog panting)
- I've got something for you
- Like lollipops?
So, that time was horrible when I think back. Back then I had a more flat response than I'd have now.
It must be that I am still loaded with testosterone, sometimes I feel like I will handle whatever comes so bring it on. Will punch somebody or kick them down if needed be. Sometimes I just prefer no confrontation. E will even that out once I finally get to it...
Generally Amsterdam, NL should be safe, so can't really compare to US cities.
Finally, am I scared anyway? A little.
I've never actually had any overtly negative experiences like the ones you've described, Martine, and I'm really sorry that even happened to you.
The only ones that do come to mind was when I was in middleschool. During this time, I was sexually harassed almost daily for what seemed like an eternity by male students in the same class I was in. They would constantly fondle my rear end and I had no compulsion to even defend myself. I guess back in the day, I hated myself so much that I even thought I had no say so for my own sexuality and that it belonged to anyone even though if on the inside I totally did not believe that.
They eventually grew bored of it and stopped. I did tell the principal but I know they didn't stop because of that. If so, I figured they would have stopped much sooner but they kept doing it even after I said something, for like weeks it seemed like. So middleschool happens to be my all-time favorite on my list of "Worst School Years Ever!" >.>
And I remember one time some grown perv got off the city bus with me when I was coming home from high school, asking me, a student presenting themselves as a 14 year old girl at the time, if I was lonely and needed a friend. I wisely lied and confidently told that creep, "Oh. No thanks. I have pleeeeenty of friends." And then I walked away calmly but briskly, turning back every once and a while to see if I was being followed and he was for a moment but lost interest rather quickly and went the other way.
Yeah, I had a few little off-putting experiences here and there, but nothing like that at night. I think one person wanted to lure me into a trap when he asked if I had a phone he could use. I immediately lied and said "Nope. Sorry."
And to be honest, because I associate the fear of going outside alone with being "girly," I get angry and even insulted by my dad's excessive worrying for me to be outside alone at night because I know for a fact that he still sees me (and probably always will even after I start T) as his daughter instead of his son. >:( It pisses me off how he doesn't do this with his cis sons at all. Its almost like he is telling me silently that they are more man than I am or will ever be. :( Though the other night, when we got into one of our common 'scuffles,' he called me a "whatever you are," instead of a "girl" and I actually would rather be called that than a "girl." So I must be getting somewhere with him now. ;D
Quote from: King Phoenix on January 17, 2016, 11:06:34 AM
I've never actually had any overtly negative experiences like the ones you've described, Martine, and I'm really sorry that even happened to you.
The only ones that do come to mind was when I was in middleschool. During this time, I was sexually harassed almost daily for what seemed like an eternity by male students in the same class I was in. They would constantly fondle my rear end and I had no compulsion to even defend myself. I guess back in the day, I hated myself so much that I even thought I had no say so for my own sexuality and that it belonged to anyone even though if on the inside I totally did not believe that.
They eventually grew bored of it and stopped. I did tell the principal but I know they didn't stop because of that. If so, I figured they would have stopped much sooner but they kept doing it even after I said something, for like weeks it seemed like. So middleschool happens to be my all-time favorite on my list of "Worst School Years Ever!" >.>
And I remember one time some grown perv got off the city bus with me when I was coming home from high school, asking me, a student presenting themselves as a 14 year old girl at the time, if I was lonely and needed a friend. I wisely lied and confidently told that creep, "Oh. No thanks. I have pleeeeenty of friends." And then I walked away calmly but briskly, turning back every once and a while to see if I was being followed and he was for a moment but lost interest rather quickly and went the other way.
Yeah, I had a few little off-putting experiences here and there, but nothing like that at night. I think one person wanted to lure me into a trap when he asked if I had a phone he could use. I immediately lied and said "Nope. Sorry."
And to be honest, because I associate the fear of going outside alone with being "girly," I get angry and even insulted by my dad's excessive worrying for me to be outside alone at night because I know for a fact that he still sees me (and probably always will even after I start T) as his daughter instead of his son. >:( It pisses me off how he doesn't do this with his cis sons at all. Its almost like he is telling me silently that they are more man than I am or will ever be. :( Though the other night, when we got into one of our common 'scuffles,' he called me a "whatever you are," instead of a "girl" and I actually would rather be called that than a "girl." So I must be getting somewhere with him now. ;D
i think he is just used to being protective of you like that because you were born female. i don't think he thinks of you as "less than" compared to your siblings. as much as we want parents, etc. to be on board with everything right away, it takes time and they are used to a certain way or perceiving you as a certain way. it takes time, but they do come around. my dad still slips up with my birth name sometimes (but not often) and i've been out since i was 18 and i'm now 24, on T for over a year, and almost a year post op. it happens, don't be so hard on them when they slip up, or take things to heart too much when it might not be as you think it does, you know? i think as you grow more into who you want to be and your transition, you start to understand more. as you become more comfortable with who you are, those kind of things stop bugging you. i mean honestly, before transitioning, i wanted nothing "feminine" associated with me. i might have passed 100%, but i didn't want anything that would "out" me. now? hell, i care MORE about my appearance (which is usually associated with femininity), and i use bath and body works hand sanitizer that smells like cookies. do you think i care now? no. would i before? nope.
as for going out alone, i live in a city and coming home form work sometimes it can be late and i have to transfer buses downtown and i have to walk through a secluded bike path to get home. is it scary? yeah. even though i present as male 100%, i still find it nerve wrecking. i don't associate being scared with being "female" because i was never taught to be scared of those kinds of things because i was born female. it just i feel common sense to feel unsafe sometimes and it doesn't make you less manly, etc.
Quote from: King Phoenix on January 16, 2016, 03:00:37 PM
^Definitely a great point here also, by T.K.G.W. about having The Look.
I was told I had that a couple of times throughout my life by relatives. Like the kind that is very reminiscent of gangsta rappers like Ice Cube or something. Like a look that says "stay back or die," like what you said. The thing is that I don't always sport that look when I know I should or really want to but for some reason I can't at the time. I guess when I get time I should practice this, but I think one reason I am not as willful with it at times is because I've practiced quite a bit to be the opposite of that; friendly. I see now how this can work against me in times of danger. Haha....yeah...
From how you describe The Look, T.K.G.W., I'd stay miles away from you. Haha. I mean, I think some people have to seriously be mentally challenged if they keep doing things to intentionally set people off who's got a mean set of eyes the way you described.
I'll do the friendly thing too, but I won't do it in the street unless there's a reason like someone fairly harmless comes up for a chat or something. Otherwise it's the poker face when I'm outside along with the "I'm watching you" eyes (not wide-eyed, but keep them normal or narrowed). If you keep your head too far down looking at the floor that's not it, nor if you point your face upward too much. Try to imagine how an eagle sees the world behind it's "frown" and keep your face tilted a little down to create that "alert" and watching stance, but not your entire head pointed down. It might depend on your brow shape but if you've got naturally 'frowny' eyebrows like me, all I gotta do is tilt the head down a little and my face looks a lot more serious, without actually frowning at all.
It could also just kind of exude from someone's mood when they're outside... I don't know. I've had some not so fun experiences with people and over time I've become less afraid and quite a bit more angry and far more ready to defend myself if someone acts up, so perhaps some of the look you exude does come from what you're really feeling and thinking.
Starting tonight, right before bed, I think I'm gonna practice "The Look." I think that is a very awesome psychological defense mechanism to use outside against potential enemies. Eye contact says alot of things without us having to utter a single word. One cool thing about it is it can assert dominance non-verbally. Yet one uncool thing is that it can totally do the opposite and assert submission by the lack of it. I have social anxiety.
It can get to a point where my eyes "run away" from everyone. Um. That doesn't look very "manly" in someone wanting to present themselves as male. So yes, its a huge problem of mine. But on some days I think I could even stare my dad's pitbull down (she's friendly and all but she loooooves to stare at everyone!). I can even get to a point where I make the guys down at the barbershop I went to last time to eventually look the other way from my own intensified gaze. Though I will admit that there was one man I couldn't beat that day in a staring contest if my life depended on it. O.o
I surely attest to our feelings and inner thoughts reflecting themselves in not only our facial expressions but our actions too. I learned that from a very great book I would recommend to anyone titled The Secret by Rhonda Byrne.
One thing about eye contact with strangers. Don't stare at them. That's a direct challenge and can lead to confrontation. Just look at them briefly, acknowledge their presence with neither dominance nor submission, and then move on. 99% of the time they will do exactly the same.
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Quote from: Deborah on January 17, 2016, 06:35:20 PM
One thing about eye contact with strangers. Don't stare at them. That's a direct challenge and can lead to confrontation. Just look at them briefly, acknowledge their presence with neither dominance nor submission, and then move on. 99% of the time they will do exactly the same.
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Good point here also. I started to do this. Its good to at least acknowledge a person's presence. That's kinda what happened at the barbershop with one guy, where I had to look away from him eventually before he looked away from me because any longer and I wouldn't have blamed him if he socked me right in my face for staring.
The only time I stare at someone is when I want to interact with them. Being a guy, I usually just nod at other guys and say "hi there" or "hi" or something like that to girls whilst making appropriate eye contact to accompany my greeting to them.
This is fascinating to me because these are the same things I worry about except the exact opposite! ;D
No worries, being raised male, from what I can tell, men still worry about these things within reason. Definitely don't put yourself in a bad situation, but work on your "don't screw with me" face and walk.
Or... You could just do what I do.
I pull out my cell phone and act like I'm talking to someone on the phone. Sounds crazy but I figure someone is less likely going to attack someone that can easily identify them over the phone.
Yes. You don't want to come off as either a threat or a victim. More or less you want to acknowledge them as an equal and have them see you as an equal. If they're looking for victims they'll keep looking. But at the same time you don't make them think you're a threat. Some people react with hostility to that, especially drunks.
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I think one person on here mentioned it to be a good idea to stay away from pubs and bars where major alcohol consumption is only expected.
Yeah, drunks can be trouble. Those are some of the type of people I'm not too worried about in my area because there aren't a whole lot of those type of places. But we do have a very shady corner store that is very reminiscent of the gritty corner stores in Detroit, Michigan in the 'hood. Just awful....but not nearly as terrifying as Detroit's. O.o
Ah yeah, the nuances of how to use eye contact. Outright staring is never called for unless you are squaring off. However, 'sweeping the area' with 'the look' is usually just fine.
Funny thing - as a kid I never knew how to use eye contact. I would nearly always avoid it and got yelled at by people for being 'impolite' for not looking at them while talking... parents/teachers etc. So I trained myself over time to stare at the spot between a person's eyes, so I didn't feel so uncomfortable looking directly at them. I could stare someone down for my country, now. Not uncomfortable doing it at all... in fact I will stare directly into a person's soul while I'm talking to them, lol. I know it makes some people uncomfortable even in friendly conversation... so use the gaze carefully. At present though, I'll just stare right at a man or woman I'm talking to without taking my gaze off them. If I could be bothered trying to be more "friendly", I'd break that up a bit by looking away or down every now and then, as people do. I'm kinda loath to after the BS I got in my childhood about not looking at people, though. They wanted it, now they can have it. It goes a long way to expressing inner assertiveness.
I don't think it has much to do with gender personally. Male or female, if it's dark, you're not by a main road and you see a group of people, you're probably gonna get that little bit of adrenaline.
It more depends on your area and other people's negative experiences - example:
I have a guy friend who was assaulted recently for being gay, no broken bones but was bruised pretty bad.
Or, my partner who faces verbal abuse by people drunk and likely on drugs when leaving work
Or, a few years back when I was in an argument and someone reached into their jacket to pull out a knife
Either way, we're influenced more by negative experiences (which are incredibly rare, those are the only 3 examples I could think of) than by social conditioning to do with gender. It's not something to be ashamed of.
I feel marginally safer not having visibly large breasts any more since I've started binding, but that's about it. I'm still short and light-weight... I used to walk home from the club area in the city to the area i lived in, which was on the edge of one of the rougher areas, and the walk passed through the city center and I never /noticed/ any dangerous people, but i would have been drunk and so i was probably just lucky.
That said I don't have a lot of reasons to go out late at night alone now. If i was in a pub situation I would probably be with someone. The shift from feeling unsafe as a perceived female to feeling unsafe as a trans person doesn't seem like much haha. I also (personally, as opposed to news stores etc) know more guys who've been mugged than girls, probably because girls travel in groups and are more used to being defensive. I had a friend who used to snap car aerials off to use as a weapon if she felt like she was being followed because she used to get grabbed so often... not the most socially friendly way to defend yourself :P
As an aside I think I'm likely to get 'gender profiled' more wandering about at night by police.
In the past I was stopped now and then and asked "where are you going?" and even offered a ride home by what appeared to be concerned policemen. One occasion I was sitting outside of my house on the steps at 5 a.m. and some cops came into my garden and asked me what was up.
As a male I think I'm more likely to get stopped by police at night with the assumption I'm "up to no good", and not so much "at risk". I doubt they'd have offered me a ride home or bothered checking why I was sitting outside at 5 a.m. if I looked like a dude.
Good thing I live in the middle of nowhere now and I see cops as often as I see pixies.
I kinda get that too sometimes.
I think that's something that needs a bit more discussion in the trans community. That is, what should we do in the event of any contact with law enforcement?
I'm not saying you got into trouble. I'm just saying there should be more discussion about how we need to interact with police and things like that, given our "unique" situation and status. Like how to explain oneself for being read as male in person but having an ID that says I am female. :-\
Police are also one reason I get kinda scared to go out at night by myself. The police in my 'hood are all generally very polite and considerate. Every time I come in contact with them, usually for having to be transported to the hospital under 'protective custody' (Baker Act) for suicide watch, they call me Phoenix because they want me to feel comfortable, although they keep calling me a 'she' for the most part. So its a very awkward situation.
Its weird to have to explain this so I have a constant fear of them pulling me to the side on the street also.
Quote from: King Phoenix on January 18, 2016, 10:49:26 AM
I think that's something that needs a bit more discussion in the trans community. That is, what should we do in the event of any contact with law enforcement?
I'm not saying you got into trouble. I'm just saying there should be more discussion about how we need to interact with police and things like that, given our "unique" situation and status. Like how to explain oneself for being read as male in person but having an ID that says I am female. :-\
Police are also one reason I get kinda scared to go out at night by myself. The police in my 'hood are all generally very polite and considerate. Every time I come in contact with them, usually for having to be transported to the hospital under 'protective custody' (Baker Act) for suicide watch, they call me Phoenix because they want me to feel comfortable, although they keep calling me a 'she' for the most part. So its a very awkward situation.
Its weird to have to explain this so I have a constant fear of them pulling me to the side on the street also.
Best practice - be polite, answer simple yes/no questions, and if you feel like you're being interviewed as a suspect - stop talking and ask for a lawyer. Be up front about any confusion with your ID - "I'm transgender and have not met the standard to have my identification updated yet. I would prefer that you use my chosen name and male pronouns if it isn't too much trouble." I'd play it by ear though. If it's just a random interaction (ie. you're not a victim or perpetrator of a crime and are not being interviewed as one), I personally wouldn't correct anyone on name/pronouns. Not worth it. If it's going to be a lengthier conversation, go for it.
It'll vary by department though. Mine and the others in my area are very progressive, but many aren't.
Great advice here, Max.
One awesome point you brought up here is to decline from corrections of pronouns if the interaction/conversation with the officer(s) are short-lived. Yet I feel as though this concept could be applied to any short-lived interaction with someone. When I first came out, I was so desperate to get everyone I met to know without a shout of a doubt that I am a man in a woman's body. But as I grow into my pre-transitioned self, day by day, I'm not as desperate to do so anymore given the sort of situation it calls for.
But I will admit that a couple days ago, I felt so low by a male cabbie I never met before because he just kept calling me "ma'am" even after I calmly told him that I prefer to be called Phoenix before he transported me to dialysis that day. Its like he didn't hear or want to hear what I requested for. I didn't feel like running the whole trans 101 that day and paid the heavy, disheartening dysphoric price for it too. :'(
I've never had a bad experience with the police myself. My boyfriend used to work for them so I got nothing especially against them and I can hear things from their side too.
I'm always polite with the police and I've never had any problems with them. But I think that was due to being co-operative, polite AND what appears to be female being a more successful combination with them. My ex had problems with them a few times; on one occasion he'd come to pick me up from a train station at night and apparently a real jerk of a officer started accusing him of having weaved all over the road on his way there (doubt it), then implied he was cruising the station like a creeper. My ex told this dude he was there to pick me up and luckily I was just getting off the train as he said it and started walking over, so I saw the officer going away. My ex was seriously livid, since the guy had only stopped ragging on him because I'd materialized from the train and waved. Who knows how long it could have gone on for him or how much trouble the officer could have made because he felt like it. He went away so as to save me being involved, I suppose.
On other occasions I've seen the police turn up to a domestic and not really believe a female was trying to beat a guy over the head with a bottle. When, in fact... she was, and he was the only one with cuts and blood on him. You can imagine the brevity if it'd been a reverse situation.
So I think there's a case of female privilege with the police for sure, which ofc I'm gonna lose. I'll have to remember it may not necessarily be so smooth as in the past them once I transition.
Biggest advice I have is to not be a hothead. My ex was in a mcdonalds while I went to the bathroom during a festival (long lines). Police came in and told everyone without food to get out. He refused and I came out of the bathroom and found him in the back of the cruiser. They let him go a few minutes later. He was stubborn and it all could have been avoided if he had listened to a simple request from the police.
Quote from: King Phoenix on January 15, 2016, 01:57:42 PM
Are there any FtMs on here who are very afraid to go outside alone at night?
Yes. I don't do much alone, especially at night. Don't feel guilty or ashamed. I won't even go hiking or running by myself. I am a short guy. A friend tells me I'm a guy I have nothing to worry about, but I won't go alone. I do feel the need to have someone with me, preferably a bigger male, cis or not doesn't matter. For me it has nothing to do with the neighborhood, more to do with the kind of people there are in this world. Who kill, rape, beat, torture, harass innocent people who happen to be at the wrong place wrong time. I've been wanting to take some kind of self defense course so if I'm ever in that type of situation again, that I will have some confidence to protect myself. Although I wasn't afraid, I did feel weak. At least now I know I'm not the only one!
Quote from: King Phoenix on January 17, 2016, 11:06:34 AM
I did tell the principal but I know they didn't stop because of that. If so, I figured they would have stopped much sooner but they kept doing it even after I said something, for like weeks it seemed like. So middleschool happens to be my all-time favorite on my list of "Worst School Years Ever!" >.>
My trust was never with any of the high school staff.
When I was in the high school, one female teacher was spreading nonsense about AI being able to produce just the fugues of same quality as Bach. In words, telling "Bach's work is a busted thing". Needless to say, I was and am an admirer of his work. Almost a decade later, as a M.Sc. and contributor in the field of intelligent systems (artificial intelligence), I was able to tell that was so far from truth. I pointed that out to the principal, and the guy went nuts how dare I talk like that (wtf). Well, good that I never approached them for anything during the high school. They are useless. Besides talking about stuff they know next to nothing about.
Quote from: Martine A. on January 18, 2016, 04:25:29 PM
Almost a decade later, as a M.Sc. and contributor in the field of intelligent systems (artificial intelligence), I was able to tell that was so far from truth.
I declare myself your fan :D
Quote from: Martine A. on January 18, 2016, 04:25:29 PM
My trust was never with any of the high school staff.
Well, good that I never approached them for anything during the high school. They are useless. Besides talking about stuff they know next to nothing about.
I hated school in general also. Its nothing but indoctrination, not education. The only real good its done for me is teach me how to read, write and speak proper English so well that I used to get picked on for it. ;D