I enjoy cross dressing for a reason that I don't know. I don't know what my gender is, but it fluctuates back and forth (between some sort of cycle) and I barely know when it's fully comfortable and settled: it's often distressing to feel like crossdressing, then to have the more masculine side reject it and make me feel somewhat ashamed. I hate feeling ashamed for something that I simply enjoy and has no wrong associated with it, but there not really much that I've found that I'm able to do about it. I feel as though I want to be female through and through (HRT and so forth), but that is quickly pushed back down by both the chance of regretting it at some point, and my times of more prominent masculinity ( cyclic emotional states). I'm also extremely hesitant to ever venture outside my room while crossdressing because of my sheer nervousness (generalised anxiety disorder doesn't help either) and the fact that being a student cross dresser means that you know far too many people and you see them all around in town. I'm really into a swimsuit I bought as well (especially while tucking which for some reason recently got randomly painful on one side), but the same applies if I wanted to wear it to my nearby pool - I'd almost definitely be recognised by a few people there... I just wish that I could make a decision about my gender and stick to it. A comfortable choice about my gender that stays solid through all of my varied emotional states.
Welcome to Susan's Place. What you are describing sounds like gender fluid/bigender. If that is the case, blocker might help you settle to a stable state. You might want to learn a bit more about it with our Wiki (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transgender) page. If you have questions that I might be able to answer for you, feel free to post them in this tread and I will respond to them.
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It just feels as though I should make a choice, and I don't know what the right one would be, as the femininity is only really prominent in late evening to early morning, but the masculinity is the rest of the day. I've had various states of feeling female and very wrong in a male body (hence my very strong interest in tucking), but I've never had that feeling in the same way whilst crossdressing - only the "shame" bit, which seems to be largely absent now when I crossdress. I just still don't know which is... The "real me".
Hi, Wolfi, and welcome!
My experience was extremely similar to yours. What you're experiencing is genderfluidity, without a doubt. In some people, genderfluidity is transient -- they experience fluctuations for a while, and after a period of exploration and introspection, their gender stabilizes and they happily go on with their lives. I've started to accept that genderfluidity might just stick with me... this might just be a part of who I am, and I'm at a point in my life where I've grown accustomed to it.
First thing to ask yourself is, "is it okay for men to wear ___?" Logically, I think that it is okay for men to wear whatever they want. Same goes for women. That question has, if not quite literally, saved my life. When I spent time in "boy mode," I viewed my past "cross dressing" escapades as a stupid taboo fetish. It was immensely painful, especially as I started to come out to people in "girl mode" -- because when I reverted to boy mode, I couldn't erase what I had said and done from my friends' minds. Yikes.
But then, I was talking to a friend, and I said something like "and men just do NOT dress like this!" And... he got a really hurt look on his face, possibly because he's done drag. He said, "... isn't it okay for them to?" It took me a few months to really process that. As I started to come out, I'd occasionally find myself back in boy mode, while out of the house, dressed very feminine. That was
the worst. Thanks to my friend's question, I started to challenge myself. I firmly believe that it's okay for men, manly cismen, to dress as feminine as they like. Time to apply that acceptance to myself.
Today, I almost never dress "high femme" like I used to. My presentation is kinda ambiguous, which helps even out the swings. But sometimes, I do go the extra mile with a cute dress and makeup, and I still end up in boy mode. And you know what? Boy me always
liked dressing that way. I've just lost the shame. I feel great when I'm dressed nicely.
Eventually, I hope that I can learn to squelch the dysphoria when I'm in girl mode and dressed like a boy. One step at a time... and HRT has been helping with that since my body is getting a little more feminine.
Quote from: Wolfi on January 18, 2016, 12:36:01 AM
I just still don't know which is... The "real me".
If you're anything like me, "the real you" is the sum of your parts. You were really you yesterday, and you're really you today. Perhaps like me, you were raised with strict boundaries between what men and women were expected to be like. If that's the case, you can learn to "blend" your gender modes. You might continue to experience genderfluidity, but I promise that if you put the work in to accepting yourself, the pain of it will lessen.
Hello there.
I too wasn't sure what I was when I started posting on this site. At first, I thought I was all crossdresser. After a bit of discussion and review though (and not a small amount of experimentation with dressing as much as possible), and I went straight through genderfluid right onto transgender.
The moment I knew though, was one day when I was removing (edit: fixed typo) my female clothes to get back to my daytime role as a male.
Taking off my female clothes, shape wear, and breast forms felt like I was ripping vital organs out of my body.
Sobering moment.
Quote from: TechGirl on January 18, 2016, 11:59:39 AM
Hello there.
I too wasn't sure what I was when I started posting on this site. At first, I thought I was all crossdresser. After a bit of discussion and review though (and not a small amount of experimentation with dressing as much as possible), and I went straight through genderfluid right onto transgender.
The moment I knew though, was one day when I was urge ovine my female clothes to get back to my daytime role as a male.
Taking off my female clothes, shape wear, and breast forms felt like I was ripping vital organs out of my body.
Sobering moment.
Precisely. I hate the thought of having to hide Megan away in a box "until next time". It feels wrong now and I hate how that feels. like I am hiding the real me for society's sake.
*hugs*
When I started dressing I thought that would be the extent of it. I discovered that my feelings ran much deeper. My gender was fluid quite a bit. I progressed from crossdresser to transgenderist to transgender. It seems that my gender fluidity coincided with a gender shift
The gender gets fluid but not as much. I'm in a space where I feel at peace with. I keep the door open because there could be shifts in the future though not at the present.
Quote from: sparrow on January 18, 2016, 12:45:44 AM
Today, I almost never dress "high femme" like I used to. My presentation is kinda ambiguous, which helps even out the swings. But sometimes, I do go the extra mile with a cute dress and makeup, and I still end up in boy mode. And you know what? Boy me always liked dressing that way. I've just lost the shame. I feel great when I'm dressed nicely.
Eventually, I hope that I can learn to squelch the dysphoria when I'm in girl mode and dressed like a boy. One step at a time... and HRT has been helping with that since my body is getting a little more feminine.
If you're anything like me, "the real you" is the sum of your parts. You were really you yesterday, and you're really you today. Perhaps like me, you were raised with strict boundaries between what men and women were expected to be like. If that's the case, you can learn to "blend" your gender modes. You might continue to experience genderfluidity, but I promise that if you put the work in to accepting yourself, the pain of it will lessen.
Hi everyone,
I am new and this is my first post. I wanted to thank Wolfi for putting this issue out there and also Sparrow for her insights. I wasn't familiar with the term genderfluidity until now but it describe me perfectly. The shifting of gender identity back and forth really does get quite confusing so I empathize with Wolfi.
Sparrow's comments really resonated with me -- both her analysis psychologically and the practical stuff about dressing. Interestingly, today I actually went out in "ambiguous" mode (as Sparrow describes it) to go to the library and do errands. No one would have thought I was a female but it felt right for me to just be in women's clothes doing my daily routine. This approach is really helpful to just even things out for me. Taking these steps is certainly getting me closer to making decisions too -- about coming out, HRT, etc.
Thank you everyone.
I also shift from masculine to feminine. But what frustrates me is how complicated it would be to try to explain to people that I'm a girl, but only sometimes. That's why I never go outside as Amanda; if I'm recognized by anyone I don't think I could explain it. Anyway, the whole reason I found this site is because of something that happened to me today. I present myself as male, but have long hair. I was at work and a customer walks up behind me and says, "Excuse me, mam." I nearly cried tears of joy. And I didn't have anyone I could share this story with. So to everyone on this site. Thank you! Thank you!
Wolfi, Wendy, and Amanda, welcome to Susan's Place! I also initially identified as a crossdresser. Now I'm kind of genderfluid/bi-gender or just plain in a league of my own. The only thing I'm really clear on is that I'm neither man nor woman. It suits me just fine. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
I guess most m2f transgender people have experienced that kind of genderfluidity or whatever you call it.
Yes. I swing between the male and the female mode everyday. But during the past 15 years, my position has steadily shifted toward the female side. I started with a kind of metrosexual or queer looking male mode, but now I wear skirt and heels nearly everyday, although I am not HRT. In summer I wear bikini in the beach. I like it.
barbie~~
Life experience so far tells me that I need some of each time to feel complete. The truth is I always have more guy time; dining out, errands, work etc sorta dictates that. We've also had squatters (live in relatives we have helped out for 3-4 years each) and about to experience empty nesting ;)
I work from home and while I have the house to myself I dress in hosiery and skirts. Sometimes with a guy shirt, sometimes with a blouse but typically with flats or low heels. I resentfully have to change before the squatter gets home and that makes me wonder... when I don't have to change, will I? Will I ever get 'enough' girly time and feel satiated? Guess it will be fun to find out; fortunately my wife enjoys me in skirts etc so I don't think there will be any issues there.
I've often thought about just doing more of a gender blended style for me. Think geeky girl with short skirts and geeky t-shirts. I've done this several times and love it.
I can't say that I have different "modes," as in feeling more masculine or feminine at different times. Rather, I've been developing my own sense of self that has elements that one might traditionally describe as masculine or feminine. I am almost always dressed en femme while at home, unless we have company, but it doesn't make me feel like a different person per se. I am beginning to resent formal and semi-formal male business attire at work, and dread having to dress in "boy drag" for occasional formal meetings or presentations.
Quote from: Amanda_Combs on January 31, 2016, 02:20:58 AM
I was at work and a customer walks up behind me and says, "Excuse me, mam." I nearly cried tears of joy.
Amanda, this has happened to me once or twice and it's just the best feeling!
Quote from: Dayta on February 14, 2016, 11:10:51 AM
I am beginning to resent formal and semi-formal male business attire at work, and dread having to dress in "boy drag" for occasional formal meetings or presentations.
Male business attire is super boring! Not something I relish but I do it because I have to. I think I hate ties most of all sorta like a noose IMO. I try to look forward to my times at home working in comfort to get me through the dreary days of business attire.
I feel similar, I'm an mtf but I'm a drag King too, basically the same as an ftf drag King but I don't need to stuff lol. If you're gender fluid then you can move between genders and dress however you feel anytime, be yourself :)
I also shift between masculine and feminine each day. I prefer to have a female appearance but I rarely get the opportunity to dress. Wearing female clothes and shoes as a male is the way I often present myself now. I`m happy to label myself genderfluid :)
have you come out as gender nonconforming, or crossdresser or transgender? for me, after i came out, my shame and guilt about crossdressing went down to practically zero.
I came out several years ago to my partner, sister and mother as a crossdresser. My views have definitely changed over time and I can also relate to other identities such as transgender and genderfluid. I feel guilty/ashamed sometimes and at other times very positive about my identity. I agree that coming out can help to get rid of negative feelings and it has helped strengthen the relationship between me and my wife.
Hey, First post as well here :) .
I feel the problems you face... I also can't fathom leaving the confines of my own self while dressed, and originally (for the last, oh, lifetime until a year ago) was horrified of the idea that I could be anything but a guy. Social ties play a big role in this... How could anyone make such turbulence to change their gender ID?
I too am very gender fluid, and though I never have been a girl in front of anyone, and don't particularly like being a boy myself. I also have a tendency for anxiety etc, and am heavily medicated for Bi-polar and depression.
I fear sometimes I am leading myself away into a silly fairyland as a girl, and it is just a hypo-mania I am keeping to myself.
I know that is not the case, but bottling up emotions like this can cause hypo-manic symptoms- all these things I mention because the only way up is out I think. (into coming out, feeling confident with other people)
I think Sparrow hit on some keys for folks like us.
Quote from: sparrow on January 18, 2016, 12:45:44 AM
Hi, Wolfi, and welcome!
Eventually, I hope that I can learn to squelch the dysphoria when I'm in girl mode and dressed like a boy. One step at a time... and HRT has been helping with that since my body is getting a little more feminine.
If you're anything like me, "the real you" is the sum of your parts. You were really you yesterday, and you're really you today. Perhaps like me, you were raised with strict boundaries between what men and women were expected to be like. If that's the case, you can learn to "blend" your gender modes. You might continue to experience genderfluidity, but I promise that if you put the work in to accepting yourself, the pain of it will lessen.
Peace!
Well, personally I have never benefitted from getting titles of things right. Those are all just words. I mean, I know we think we need to capture things in words to communicate with each other, but these categories like, "Bi-gender" and "genderfluid." I feel that ultimately they are going to be limiting to most people. Even "man" or "woman" are probably going to be limiting to Cis-sexual people at various times in their lives.
Consider this: Whether you're a man or a woman or something else, how much of the day does that just not matter at all? A great amount of the time, I should think. I mean, if I'm working on a project with some engineers, or if I'm teaching a bunch of ESL students, then for that purpose, then and there, does my gender matter? Most of the time, no it doesn't. I imagine that for 99% of occupations, it also shouldn't be an issue. So, if someone just forgets about it during that time, and maybe goes with whatever behavior she or he was socialized with, that would make a lot of sense.
And when we speak of "dressing masculine" or "dressing feminine." I was mentioning on another thread, I grew up with a perfectly momly mom who dressed in jeans, t-shirts, and work boots and smoked marlboros for like 14 years. She cut her hair pretty short and slicked it back. LOL, yeah, she got hit on by a lot of Lesbians who assumed she was of their type. But she just grew up the child of two poor farmers, hunting and fishing and hanging out like that. It's a matter of how she was raised and what she grew up being comfortable with. Anyways, she dressed up for church, and still had some pantyhose for me to nick when I was a kid (there's the tie in to the forum main topic).
Anyways, my point is just that for me, everytime I've made a particularly big deal about WORDS, I've never found it led me anywhere useful. Much more useful is to just notice that sometimes it's very apparent to me that I'm a woman. Other times, it's very apparent to me that being a woman can sit in the background because, I don't know... I'm washing dishes or something and frankly a genderless robot could do this.
Other times, I'm climbing a mountain on a bike or I'm trying to get some employees to finish their part of a project and I just need to use whatever words are going to be most effective to get this done. Do I NEED TO care how they see me? Is it more womanly for me to get the job done or make a big deal out of how I present myself to those engineers? In which culture is your answer to that question based?
See what I mean? Whatever we say is "masculine" or "feminine" is definitely going to fall apart in a lot of circumstances as just something particular to one little niche of the world,one social circle, one culture, one familial group, one person....
The road to happiness is removing as many barriers as possible between you and yourSELF, the real you. If you can do that at every moment, you're pretty far advanced, and I'm sure you come across as a beautiful human, whatever words you or the people around you are using.
--Lyra
I definitely feel much of the same way I've been cross dressing 10+ years I don't feel shame about it but I do have some embarrassment I wonder if I am a CD or something else the last few years I have begun to ask myself many questions I don't feel like "I should be a woman" but I don't feel entirely male its very confusing
Quote from: Daphnelove on March 29, 2016, 03:35:55 PM
I definitely feel much of the same way I've been cross dressing 10+ years I don't feel shame about it but I do have some embarrassment I wonder if I am a CD or something else the last few years I have begun to ask myself many questions I don't feel like "I should be a woman" but I don't feel entirely male its very confusing
I know what you mean. I've been dressing for nearly my whole life. I feel like the guy I present to the general public is more of a shell. When I'm home in a skirt or dress I don't feel like a guy nor a girl... but I feel like me. I do enjoy being out and about with my wife in guy mode, but I equally like my time at home in skirts etc.
Glad you don't feel ashamed though! I got rid of the shame and guilt years ago and have been much happier since.