The last week has been a whirlwind to say the least. I've invested so much time and anxiety into my plans for coming out who knew things would play out the way they have!! I have purposed to write a letter that tells everyone every fine detail and tries to explain why i need to transition but i always seem to go really long winded and lose my focus. The letter always seems to not be the correct avenue and i abandon it before finishing its writing.
All became clear to me at Christmas when my parents joined us for the holiday. I desperately wanted to come out to my Dad during their visit but for some reason i just couldn't. i wanted to so badly just blurt out that i am transgender, but my jaw acted like it was wired shut. I spent three days beating around the bush hoping he would read between the lines. He never did. I felt like I failed on the day they left. I hadn't come out to him and all the anxiety and heartache i put into preparing myself was all for not.
I spent the next few days evaluating what i said and how i acted. I came to the conclusion that coming out was not one of those things that you beat around the bush on. You either say it or you don't I thought that when the time was right the door would open giving me a perfect opportunity. I didn't realize how right i was on that assumption.
For the last week I have been away on business and stuck in guy mode. I was feeling down on myself because face it, when your in Las Vegas, Girls just wanna have fun!! My only solace was the small away from home comfort bag i brought with me. During the day i was in blah mode, nightly i was comfortable and content. One day on my trip i got a text from a girl i hadn't seen and only spoken to a couple of times for going on eight years. She was in my wedding. She was in Vegas and wanted to meet after the show and catch up. I was like, finally a distraction!!
We met up at Paris and whiled away an hour just chatting and drinking. Some point in the conversation she told me about her gay sister. She mentioned how awful it was for her to have to explain over and over, how she didn't chose to be gay, she just was. I remarked... I can completely understand what you are saying. She looked at me puzzled. The opportunity door swung open and hit me in the forehead. I was like... Can you keep a secret? I understand because i am transgender. I didn't chose this but it's me. Instantly a light went on over her head and you could see her recounting our past and things suddenly adding up. She was so supportive of me. One thing she said and honestly, till that moment i hadn't thought about "We are too old to not be happy." I'm so glad you are happy!
Two days later while sitting in the airport waiting for my ride home a similar opportunity presented itself with another friend. I was filling her in on my medical condition, being really vague, as not to tip my hand. I knew in the past i had told her about my issues but what she said next i hadn't recalled. She recounted my issues and then went on to say, "You also told me that you felt like a girl, and wanted to be one." "We were young so i didn't think anything of it." I was 5 or 6 years old!!! If I didn't see that golden opportunity, i am blind... well and blonde but that's besides the point :) So i blurted out... "You've kept that secret for years, keep this one... I'm transgender!" We texted for hours and she too was very accepting of me.
Then today, i am sitting in the car waiting for my wife to come out of the gorcery store. After i check my makeup I text my best guy friend. Ive been depressed and the content of my Facebook alicitted a reaction text from him that i was finally responded to. He took it all wrong as most guys would and thought i was thinking about suicide. After setting him straight we chatted again about my medical condition. I had previously filled him in and told him of my experience with testosterone and it being converted to estrogen. How i liked it and how it made me feel. I seriously thought he never got the gist of what i told him back than and our conversation deepend. all of a sudden he pops off with, "Even if you go all Jenner on me... I will still have your back!" Woah!!! I almost dropped my phone!! I was stunned, yet another opportunity not to be wasted. I fired back with, well i am so happy to hear that because i am transgender. He too was VERY accepting and told me he had seen it for months and nothing has changed with him and I. He also told me that his wife had seen the remnants of nail polish and makeup on me that was a huge clue. He knew exactly what i was saying before.
So, that is four people in less than a week that i have come out to. It is extremely liberating for me. Each time i utter "I am transgender" it seems to fill my experience meter all the more leveling me up. It is super hard to explain the feelings and emotions that swirl before you come out to some one. I almost feel empty right now. Elated and yet a deflated balloon. I am excited, my new life is beginning and with every step i grow closer to my peace.
Just wanted to share this with you guys. I used to think that coming out was totally in my control... it seems to me that others are just coaxing it out of me now. I really have no control.
Thanks for sharing - really hope it continues to go well for you.
Quote from: AmandaDanielle on January 24, 2016, 04:27:04 PM
I have purposed to write a letter that tells everyone every fine detail and tries to explain why i need to transition but i always seem to go really long winded and lose my focus. The letter always seems to not be the correct avenue and i abandon it before finishing its writing.
Yes, simple is usually better. Have the facts ready for the questions that are inevitably asked but when telling them just tell it as it is.
I'm so happy for you Amanda Danielle. What a wonderful few days you have had!
Love,
Denali