Well I am on my way on getting divorce! :-\ Well I am at home at this stage unemployed living at my mothers and she don't mind me being female and transitioning but each time I get up in the morning and have to dress up and start dressing I feel this massive amount of guilt and resentment starting to hang over me if I dress female. I know this is the trigger where it all started to go south for the perfect life I had I know this is what sparked my divorce I get to be me but it does not feel real at this stage I feel guilty I feel sad and angry.
I can't really explain it but it is like an internal transfobia and also resentment towards the woman I see in the mirror I want to blame her for destroying what I loved. >:(
How can I make peace with myself in life is this is the hurt that I am carrying in my heart. I know I am female but how on earth am I going to be happy as a trans female in this world if I know I destroyed my perfect life because of this.
I am crying each day feeling this grief and I know I am still a baby in transition but somehow I feel guilty each day if I take my hrt for the day. I know I am a beautiful but looks is not everything it is how you feel and you can look how you want if you feel crap inside you feel crap inside. I feel crap inside everyday for the last 5 months resenting myself for even telling her I am struggling with my identity.
I have been posting so much these days but I am really going through a lot and the support of you guys are helping me immensely if it was not for you and some friends I met on here then I would have done something bad a long time ago.
Hugs to you all and thank you for your support
I feel for yor pain. I have an issue with my eldest daughter along tbe same lines. She is having a very hard time with my transition. She wanted her daddy to walk her down the Isle. I too feel very guilty. I just keep telling myself that it is not anyone's fault. That things change in life. That this is not a choice but a path that must be followed. Get past your guilt, be the best person you can be, embrace the new you!
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Quote from: Jessirules on January 27, 2016, 03:05:41 AM
I feel for yor pain. I have an issue with my eldest daughter along tbe same lines. She is having a very hard time with my transition. She wanted her daddy to walk her down the Isle. I too feel very guilty. I just keep telling myself that it is not anyone's fault. That things change in life. That this is not a choice but a path that must be followed. Get past your guilt, be the best person you can be, embrace the new you!
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The walking down the isle thing also caught me. I feel so much guilt about that too. It feels with divorce she is throwing me to the wolves because with freedom there is new choices and sometimes no choice really gd sometimes gives you no choice. It is like being thrown into a pack of wolves. :embarrassed:
You will do fine. Be strong. Just move forward, and enjoy the ride!
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I so feel for you and understand, my wife and I discussed splitting up last week because she thinks I may transition and I very well might each day it seems more likely , I have 3 boys who need a dad but the dysphoria is just a constant ongoing noise that is getting louder and louder I so wish I could turn it off but so far haven't found anyway, dressing does it for a short while but then It just gets worse as I see the person I am and know I will have to go back to being him.
She floored me with this response today.
She told me God sometimes borrow people too you for a certain time in life.She told me God borrowed Rickus to her for a time and then came Amoray.
This sort of tore me apart in the mall when I read it I asked her so what does she think God wants for my future?
Does he have a purpose for Amoray in taking Rickus away? Must I be Amoray then?
She did not answer me yet I am waiting for her response.
I felt sorry for her and maybe understand some of her behaviour because she believes that person is gone and some other manifestation took his place.
Please start doing selfish things. You first. Others second. You are now out of the house and away from your wife. Start living. Guilt does nothing good.
Quote from: genevie on January 27, 2016, 09:59:17 AM
Please start doing selfish things. You first. Others second. You are now out of the house and away from your wife. Start living. Guilt does nothing good.
Genevie I am really really bad at doing selfish things.
Rickus=Amoré
There is not some new ghostly manifestation that has crept into your life. You are you. You have always been you. You always will be you. You can choose to love yourself or hate yourself and neither of those choices change who you are. So you might as well choose to love yourself and figure out how to live the rest of your life. Rickus or Amoré? Or some combination of the two? It doesn't matter. They are both you.
Drop the guilt. What did you do to incur guilt? Assuming everything I've read here is the whole story all you did was be honest. There is no guilt in that and no honor in wearing a martyrs crown for something not your doing.
Put it behind and move forward. Quit dwelling on it. It is done. Acknowledge the pain and know that it will fade.
Only you can make your life good again. The choice is yours to make and the work is yours to do. It's a new day now so start running towards a glorious finish.
Sapere Aude
You are not to blame, you may not realize it but from what I have read your relationship with your wife has been abusive for sometime. Your behaviors are very common for someone who is the victim of abuse. The abuser makes you feel that you are worthless and everything is your fault. You being a caring and nurturing person are very susceptible to the manipulation of your abuser.
Quote from: Deborah on January 27, 2016, 11:36:53 AM
Rickus=Amoré
There is not some new ghostly manifestation that has crept into your life. You are you. You have always been you. You always will be you. You can choose to love yourself or hate yourself and neither of those choices change who you are. So you might as well choose to love yourself and figure out how to live the rest of your life. Rickus or Amoré? Or some combination of the two? It doesn't matter. They are both you.
Drop the guilt. What did you do to incur guilt? Assuming everything I've read here is the whole story all you did was be honest. There is no guilt in that and no honor in wearing a martyrs crown for something not your doing.
Put it behind and move forward. Quit dwelling on it. It is done. Acknowledge the pain and know that it will fade.
Only you can make your life good again. The choice is yours to make and the work is yours to do. It's a new day now so start running towards a glorious finish.
Sapere Aude
You are right on a couple of points. I am really trying to put it behind me I am working hard on it. I still have a lot what if moments but that will change nothing. The choice is really mine in the end and why do I want to suffer and stay a man that flourish when I become a woman. It is really a difficult question to answer for myself will I be a better happier person in the end as a woman.
We are not born guilty. Guilt is something we learn as children, from parents, from teachers, from peers. The real question is, who were you trying to please with the "be a man, have a wife and children" stuff? Certainly not you. That whole thing fell into the "I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, really well" thing. But who the heck did the supposing in the first place? Again, not you.
For too long, you have been an acolyte of the religion of BMOC (Big Man on Campus), where the mantra goes, "If I can have the right girl, the right kids, the right house, the right career, then I can achieve nirvana."
I know too many people who worked themselves to death trying to live like that.
It is time for you to realize that the "rules" you think you are violating don't exist. They are just dark phantoms in your mind, planted by the thoughtless words and actions of other people.
Stop living for the phantoms. Live for yourself.
We are normally drowned by so much expectations by our parents friends and siblings also family. My wife had high expectations of me and I failed her expectations. I really mis her and my child :'( I know I tried hard to be that man the big man. I won't say I did not enjoy it but it never felt right. I always had that feeling like something is missing the whole time. I tried to fill the void with hobbies and stuff that I did not always need.
I wish there was a way I could fix my marriage but she wants out and there is nothing I can do about it I am getting blamed for the whole ordeal and I feel guilty I know there is things I did like attempt suicide. I sat depressed in my room for weeks on end that turned to months. I gave up on life without her.
I am really sitting here lost I feel if I have got no purpose except being a burden to her and everyone. I could not take the trans away and rather allowed it to get in between us. :embarrassed: It felt like I was fighting a monster. I could not win this monster and now it costed me everything.
I think there is two sorts of trans people the ones that is willing to leave their partner to become who they want to be. They are the ones I adore even if they don't pass they are brave and they where willing to give up everything to be themselves.
Then there is people like me I was not willing to lose everything to be me I don't want to transition and will fight to the death not to transition to rescue those things.But I am fighting a battle that I am bound to lose. We are stubborn and feel immense grief and guilt. The problem is it is as if life and God is pushing us in this direction and forcing us to transition and leaving us with no choice! ??? Look at me I am practically born to be a woman. But then I don't want too I will fight and in my head is still fighting. I feel so guilty if I drink my hrt but tell myself everything will be better in the end of the day. I dress up as female and feel embarrassed but I know I can't help it it's like a sort of drive that I can't stop. It is like with the divorce she threw me in a pit of dysphoria wolves.
to be honest even though a lot easier said than done, if the doors are locked and there is no way back to that relationship , you need to move on as soon as possible. You do have a lot of life to live.
Quote from: stephaniec on January 28, 2016, 12:41:16 AM
to be honest even though a lot easier said than done, if the doors are locked and there is no way back to that relationship , you need to move on as soon as possible. You do have a lot of life to live.
It hurts like hell at this stage. She said we are incompatible I can't see that two people can be compatible for so long and all of a sudden fall out of love. She is telling me I must get over her and go on with my life and I must stop begging because it is never going to happen. I really can't see my life continuing without this person.
do you still have your therapist helping out
Quote from: Amoré on January 28, 2016, 01:14:53 AM
I really can't see my life continuing without this person.
I thought that too in the early days of my divorce. Time passes, things change, the pain dulls and you go on living. You're at the worst part of the breakup so you can be forgiven for feeling that the pain will never abate. It will though, but you need to ride out this storm till things improve.
How long have you been on HRT? The reason I ask is that until your hormone levels even out somewhat, the emotional pain you feel is likely to be more intense, and so too your response to that pain. That's how it was with me, anyway.
Quote from: Violets on January 28, 2016, 01:41:16 AM
I thought that too in the early days of my divorce. Time passes, things change, the pain dulls and you go on living. You're at the worst part of the breakup so you can be forgiven for feeling that the pain will never abate. It will though, but you need to ride out this storm till things improve.
How long have you been on HRT? The reason I ask is that until your hormone levels even out somewhat, the emotional pain you feel is likely to be more intense, and so too your response to that pain. That's how it was with me, anyway.
I have been back for one month on hrt. I have been on for 5 months altogether. It feels like I have been thrown away like a used piece of crap. I feel worthless really and like I have no purpose why do I have to become this woman. Why is life pushing me to transition?
Quote from: Amoré on January 28, 2016, 01:46:03 AM
I have been back for one month on hrt. I have been on for 5 months altogether. It feels like I have been thrown away like a used piece of crap. I feel worthless really and like I have no purpose why do I have to become this woman. Why is life pushing me to transition?
Your levels are probably still changing, so just be aware that the intensity of the pain you feel might be made worse because of this.
I too felt thrown away like a piece of crap, and was treated like crap too by my ex and many of 'our' friends. I was also made out to be a fruitloop because of being trans. Most cis people just can't relate to what we feel, and 12 years ago, the popular conclusion was that you had a screw loose. Thankfully, things have improved since then.
You don't have to fully transition if you don't want to, but you have to do something about it because the feelings never go away.
Quote from: Violets on January 28, 2016, 01:58:01 AM
Your levels are probably still changing, so just be aware that the intensity of the pain you feel might be made worse because of this.
I too felt thrown away like a piece of crap, and was treated like crap too by my ex and many of 'our' friends. I was also made out to be a fruitloop because of being trans. Most cis people just can't relate to what we feel, and 12 years ago, the popular conclusion was that you had a screw loose. Thankfully, things have improved since then.
You don't have to fully transition if you don't want to, but you have to do something about it because the feelings never go away.
I am also a fruit loop and believe me they think I have a screw loose still. Well I don't want to do a half transition it is all or nothing with me. :embarrassed:
well I got new hair today also decided to go with my mood and went dark and straight
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi781.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy94%2Frickyvh%2FIMG_20160128_135559_edit_zpsro2gst7b.jpg&hash=81c4ac023753c738842e994ad5127e9bc2fc7576) (http://s781.photobucket.com/user/rickyvh/media/IMG_20160128_135559_edit_zpsro2gst7b.jpg.html)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi781.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy94%2Frickyvh%2FIMG_20160128_135632_zps2wun3d8i.jpg&hash=cfb310cb5f5c286116eb32ddbd7b13ee96dcc07f) (http://s781.photobucket.com/user/rickyvh/media/IMG_20160128_135632_zps2wun3d8i.jpg.html)
This is a part that is pissing me off about woman like my wife. My wife is not the most feminine woman on earth she doesn't dress feminine she will never wear a dress she rarely wears makeup she never does her hair nice it is always in a pony. Then she told me today I am was not man enough for her. Well because I was trans and wanted to be a woman have boobs wear dresses and have long hair and wear makeup. Well okay that is traits of a woman but come on long hair and foundation to cover a blemish. That makes me not man enough. But okay lets turn it around now that I am becoming a woman am I not going to be woman enough if I fish, ride motorcycle fly rc helicopters that is mainly a man sport and kick their asses because I am like one of the best in South Africa with a couple of national titles under my belt. I like sport cars and owned 3 already and I know more about cars than most girls. That makes me a guys dream men don't mind and find it attractive if a woman shows interest in men's things. But turn the table dare a man show interest in woman's things or show some sort of femininity or be trans and say I will stay a man but I can't help some things that pops up in my brain. Then you are not man enough why this double standard. I was told I F up her whole life with my crap and she want to start over again. Because continuing with me is impossible for her because she can't be with me because I am not considered a man anymore. Okay it is difficult going back to being a man now but surely. But when I wanted to stay a man I still was not worthy of her title of man.
Dear Amore:
I've been keeping up with your posts and events as they unfold. You are doing the right thing by sharing here - keep it up.
This will take a while to begin to normalize so that you feel more whole and able to see life as promising. I leave you one simple thought: Keep each day simple (1 thing to do and do it) and forget tomorrow. Tomorrow find one more thing to do and do it. Wash-rinse and repeat!
You are making progress and in time you'll see that! Take good care and much love.
Rachel
P.S. Love the pics
Quote from: Qrachel on January 28, 2016, 08:19:10 AM
Dear Amore:
I've been keeping up with your posts and events as they unfold. You are doing the right thing by sharing here - keep it up.
This will take a while to begin to normalize so that you feel more whole and able to see life as promising. I leave you one simple thought: Keep each day simple (1 thing to do and do it) and forget tomorrow. Tomorrow find one more thing to do and do it. Wash-rinse and repeat!
You are making progress and in time you'll see that! Take good care and much love.
Rachel
P.S. Love the pics
Thank you Rachel
I can think that it will take a while to normalise and especially what I am doing now by living full time. If I go to a shop I am so dysphoric of my voice and normally get like a smile if I speak. I think they are shocked or something when I speak. I spoke to my popsicle now on the phone and it was hard. I just want to go home to them but I know it is not my home anymore. I am not a man to her anymore and less a husband. All I can do now is make an enemy out of her or work towards being a friend of sorts.
Progress is certainly on the books and I think I am taking it a step at a time. Well I get stared at by men so much it makes me feel awkward because I don't know if they are staring because I look strange or because I look beautiful to them. I don't get the same reaction from woman so I guess it is the second one I hope.
Well at this stage it felt that I screwed up my life,I screwed up my marriage,I screwed up my last chance to save things with my wife,I screwed up a year of my life battling with dysphoria last year,I screwed up living under the same roof with my family,I screwed up growing old with my wife, I screwed up having another child with her,I screwed up being with my daughter each day until she goes out of the house, I screwed up what I build in life, my own business, my financial stability, the respect I had by family siblings, my own identity I must find the person that I really am now the person that I tried to be is gone. I dont know I can add to the list but this is things I feel guilty about. This is things that I cry about especially sins we tried for another child before the ->-bleeped-<- hit the fan.
I screwed up and life brought me to this point I don't know why. Maybe I broke down and could not keep it up because of emotional abuse and self destructed maybe I just could not keep it al together and it all hung on a string but last year was hell and my life fell apart.