so I'm very masculine on the outside, and I'm worried that I will be very un-attractive as my true gender(female). To share I don't expect to win beauty contests or anything else, I just want to pass (if that makes sense). but I'm scared I will never be able to even come close.
Anyone else not transition because of this concern? any insight on how to look at this?
I had a bit different point of view. My second therapist told be I looked to masculine to pass as a woman. It really didn't make much of an impact on me at the time because I wasn't sure I would ever be able to pass. i had decided I would rather be an ugly scrub woman without any friends than remain in the male role. Life surprised me and I ended up more attractive than I though, professionally better off and I have friends. Don't ever count yourself out because I look at the before and after pictures on this site and many of the transformations are stunning.
Beauty isn't everything but personality and attitude will count far more as to how people will accept you. One of the things I had forgotten about but about a week ago somebody on this site reminded me about it. From time to time, somebody who knows about my past without me telling them about it will remark that I am totally feminine. If they were able to read me and still see that I glow feminine, it's an indication even with my flaws, others accept me as a woman.
;) We all end up old, wrinkled, and eventually dust. You have to live as your authentic self, and if that person isn't a beauty queen, so what? It's no reason to deny yourself happiness. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
I quit worrying about that. If I compare myself to other women my age I don't actually look so horrible. Plus, my coworker saw a couple of year old picture of me on LinkedIn yesterday and commented that I really look different now. So, you just have to give it time and not have unrealistic expectations like looking 22 when you are really 56.
Sapere Aude
Quote from: mickey.megan on January 27, 2016, 07:03:55 AM
any insight on how to look at this?
Nearly every woman who has ever lived has been dissatisfied by her looks. It is a near universal condition of being female.
Welcome to womanhood dear.
Please keep the knowledge close to your heart that
every woman is beautiful. Simply being female carries with it indescribably beauty. Always be looking for that feminine beauty within yourself. It's there, I promise.
i also agree everyone is beautiful and a healthy better look is something everyone can strive for on a continual basis. I will not compare myself with others in a negative way. It takes energy and emotional energy in particular and i have better things to spend that on is basically the attitude i strive for.
I do have moments of jealousy and wishfulness as we all do but i try to limit it.
Passing for me is for myself and for acceptance. I have some masculine issues like muscular, fairly broad shoulders but i choose to focus on the parts of me that are feminine and be thankful there.
It really is a mental exercise that needs to be worked out daily.
I have a life to live , I can't worry if someone else doesn't think I make the grade.
I have two choices: Ugly man, or ugly woman. Transitioning doesn't change my perspective on my own beauty, but at least I will be happier about being the gender I align with most. I don't know why I cannot be happy as my own biological gender, but I just can't... Will I be accepted by others? I think there will still be a number of people who will reject me regardless of my (potential) beauty as well. If I could look like Carmen Carrera or Andrej Pejic, then that would be really nice, but it wouldn't surprise me if there were a lot of cis-gender women who wished they looked that good too.
I've seen a lot of pictures of bigger and heavier women on these pages, and they look passing to me. If you look around at men, before or if you choose to transition, then you will see there are a diversity of men too. Big men, skinny men, ugly men, beautiful men, feminine men, masculine men, et cetera. Women also have diversity. Big women, skinny women, ugly women, beautiful women, feminine women, masculine women, et cetera. I'm not seeing any correlation so far as the diversity goes, but I think men are more socially accepted when they are heavier compared to women.
Quote from: mickey.megan on January 27, 2016, 07:03:55 AM
so I'm very masculine on the outside, and I'm worried that I will be very un-attractive as my true gender(female). To share I don't expect to win beauty contests or anything else, I just want to pass (if that makes sense). but I'm scared I will never be able to even come close.
Anyone else not transition because of this concern? any insight on how to look at this?
I think ALOT of trans women worry about this. Heck I do, and did for a very very long time. I was extremely masculine, physically, emotionally, mentionally, etc. But you know what, there is a breaking point where you just say (not allowed) it. I need to do this.
Not sure if you're on HRT but it has really softened my features more way than I expected. It's quite amazing how it changes you, from the inside out. I don't plan on socially transitioning anytime soon but with HRT, it's getting a little tough to hide some of the changes from close friends and family.
Mod Edit- no foul language please TOS 8.
I totally understand the fear of not 'passing'... I mean, that's pretty much what transition is about for most people; expressing – and hopefully being accepted as – our true gender. Add to that the huge pressure to be conventionally beautiful, "feminine"... sometimes it's really hard to stay positive.
But let's be frank: you're certainly not going to be accepted as a woman – let alone, become a beautiful one – if you give up, do nothing and stay a "very masculine" man, are you? ::)
So, as hard as it is, please don't let your fears stop you from being yourself! :icon_chick: There are always challenges in life, and we don't always succeed at everything we do; I don't think a day goes by that I don't worry I will never be a passable, attractive woman. But even if I never make it, the fact remains that every step closer to that dream has made me just that little bit happier in myself – for that, the journey has absolutely been worth it.
I'd rather take the risk that I'm maybe not happy with the way i look after transitioning than stay definitely unhappy with it forever.
I have a friend that doesn't want to fully transition because they would never feel like an "authentic" woman.
You're supposed to transition to an authentic you. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on February 01, 2016, 10:04:54 AM
You're supposed to transition to an authentic you. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
Nicely said!
There are off course no guarantee how the result would be, because we all are difference. I'm not sure how my transistion would be when I start. (That's about ca. 5 years before I can start, probably) But I rather being a ugly man than a ugly woman. :) The important thing for me is being more comfortable with my body and the main goal is a body matching my mind. I care a lot of my looks, but not everybody can be pretty or attractive. As long we are kind with each other, it's good. Most of us humans loves kind people.
It's better doing a try than giving up and 100% guarantee for being unhappy. You get at least a result of many experience etc. if you choose transistion. A small difference are much better than nothing... :)
You would become grateful for small changes and not taking them for granted... maybe the changes would be bigger and even better than you imagine. Who know? You never know before trying it.
Quote from: StillAnonymous on January 27, 2016, 10:07:48 AM
I have two choices: Ugly man, or ugly woman.
....
Women also have diversity. Big women, skinny women, ugly women, beautiful women, feminine women, masculine women, et cetera.
I was going to say I have two choices: Angry, suicidal man or an ugly woman (and I don't believe I am an ugly woman because just being myself for the first time is quite beautiful).
And as far as the diversity in women...I was at a LGBT bar with my girlfriend and I haven't started hormones yet (less than two weeks though!!!) so while I looked super cute I knew I wasn't passing, but the point is at he same time my cis girlfriend was asked is she was trans, and another woman came in and I thought "at least I'm not the only trans woman in the bar" but she ended up being cis also...lol...and she was super cute and super friendly. Looks are secondary to personality, confidence, and inner peace (well I guess that makes it fourthdary instead of secondary).
I may be rambling. Three cups of coffee.
This is something I worry about everyday.. :(
i think that is something we have to work on the inside, for me at least. i wasn't that "attractive" type of girl before transitioning but i was more like girl next door type and men hitting on me all the time. my face is girly and it held me back for a long time to even think about transitioning. i'm scared that i have to throw up this costume to be who i am, but what if i don't look as good after :/
eventually i work myself up and keep thinking i'll look fine, in another dimension. everyone's transition is very different. so i just hope i'll turn out more passable and be who i am. if i'm happy on the inside, my outside will "look happy".
It's hard because when I hear myself talk I associate it when the image I have seen in the mirror for 43 years. No matter how much I am working on things during my transition, this is one area where I struggle. My inner thoughts are in this voice. It is all I know..
It is folly to transition or not transition only on the basis of whether or not we can "be beautiful". Sure we all want to look our best, we want to be at least attractive or pleasing to other people, especially if we intend on finding a lover or intimate partner. While we have to work with what we've got there are of course many things we can do to hopefully improve that... some of it might be surgical but a lot of it is just cosmetic and using visual cues that feminise our appearance.
If trying to look beautiful was my personal yes/no start line then I probably never would started. After all, this was me in 2012...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fxmung.com%2Fimpossumbly%2F12-00-00-pre-grace.jpg&hash=e6f7d9156289a73e2bfdaa1ee5a2a1086b5ee04c)
Remarkably, somehow, with some HRT and cosmetic help I've managed to finagle myself into a reasonable looking broad... but if you had told me I could do it in 2012 I would have laughed at you.
Quote from: mickey.megan on January 27, 2016, 07:03:55 AM
so I'm very masculine on the outside, and I'm worried that I will be very un-attractive as my true gender(female). To share I don't expect to win beauty contests or anything else, I just want to pass (if that makes sense). but I'm scared I will never be able to even come close.
Anyone else not transition because of this concern? any insight on how to look at this?
I don't know about beauty but I know I wouldn't have even considered transition if I didn't pass as easily as I do. To me it wouldn't have been worth the torment from society.
From what little I know about you it seems you are arriving at acceptance of being transgender. If you are, then you know it is a persistent feeling within you that is not going to go away for any real length of time.
I convinced myself too easily that I would be an ugly and awkward woman. It only slowed me down, the situation and pain remained but delay never solves the problem. Waiting decades has never helped anyone here that I know of, it just makes it later in life that we allow ourselves to be our true and genuine selves.
Later ain't greater, I learned that the hard way ;D
Quote from: Dena on January 27, 2016, 08:02:16 AM
I had a bit different point of view. My second therapist told be I looked to masculine to pass as a woman. It really didn't make much of an impact on me at the time because I wasn't sure I would ever be able to pass. i had decided I would rather be an ugly scrub woman without any friends than remain in the male role. Life surprised me and I ended up more attractive than I though, professionally better off and I have friends. Don't ever count yourself out because I look at the before and after pictures on this site and many of the transformations are stunning.
Beauty isn't everything but personality and attitude will count far more as to how people will accept you. One of the things I had forgotten about but about a week ago somebody on this site reminded me about it. From time to time, somebody who knows about my past without me telling them about it will remark that I am totally feminine. If they were able to read me and still see that I glow feminine, it's an indication even with my flaws, others accept me as a woman.
You look like a gal to me. I don't think anyone would ever know you are transgendered.
I was an OK looking guy, I became an OK looking woman. Putting it off didn't help
Quote from: Amy1988 on February 17, 2016, 04:37:35 PM
I don't know about beauty but I know I wouldn't have even considered transition if I didn't pass as easily as I do. To me it wouldn't have been worth the torment from society.
This, so much this! This is one of the reasons I haven't transitioned. :-\ If people still see me as what I was born as, than that is how I will look at myself in the mirror, and than what would be the point?
Quote from: mickey.megan on February 16, 2016, 12:40:17 PM
I think you are all beautiful :--D. ...
I agree... and some wonderful perspectives in this thread.
Quote from: mickey.megan on February 16, 2016, 12:40:17 PM
...
I am struggling with this, I have a very hairy face as example and masculine features. Combine this with the weight of the cost of just coming out in general and I stall. So...Today I was feeling full on like I could not transition, be masculine, male and everything my wife expects of me. But then I feel the sadness. the only way I don't feel it, is if I'm busy at work, or busy in general.
Well, you also may be being your own worst judge, you have to be careful about that I think. It's a powerful force, our own self-criticism.
That said, I'm in a similar space from time to time, it fluctuates, but I manage to make good steps forward, and am often surprised by the outcome which causes encouragement that is fuel to get through a slump toward another change.
I try to remember all things in life begin as a dream or thought in our minds, even a simple journey across a room to make lunch is not a physical reality until you translate the thought into action.
We tend to believe those easy things, but when things seem difficult to me, I try to just move forward with action as if it's an idea to walk across a room. I think I do that implicitly without much thought, as if putting on blinders so I don't get discouraged by forces that, I find, are often only as credible as I allow them to be...
Ignorance to my own negativity about my potential can be not only more productive, but more truthful.
I'm not saying it's easy... it's tough at times, but still, I find the idealism here is not for naught.
I went through all of this. A very well known 'man' in my job, a very successful scientist, well connected etc, and rather ordinary to ugly looking. I could not afford to lose my job. My commitment to my wife was and is unbreakable.
I buried myself in my work so I didn't have to think about my gender issues.
It was armour.
Now five or so years down track, I've been promoted, I'm accepted, my fears never eventuated. My new staff and people I meet don't know I was AMAB, if they find out they are surprised - and don't care.
OK I've been lucky, but many of us seem to be lucky. Maybe we haven't been lucky and in fact those that we do work with and relate with and don't care are the majority.
Grace posted a photo of where she came from. I was far far worse!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1240.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fgg499%2F8295%2Fc29d245d-2732-4048-86f4-83398cc15993.jpg&hash=bc769e4b1f6d6f827f77afb13ac4ab9f8cf1f519) (http://s1240.photobucket.com/user/8295/media/c29d245d-2732-4048-86f4-83398cc15993.jpg.html)
Dear god I don't even recognise him!!
Quote from: Cindy on February 18, 2016, 12:50:49 AM
Dear god I don't even recognise him!!
Ditto for me. Amazing how far I've come.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi946.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fad304%2Fsuzi22425%2FClassroom_zps4a16053a.jpg&hash=5243e1e0892483fbd329595618488b1e90466ed3)
I'll play. 2006, shortly before I started dressing.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1279.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fy537%2FDevlynMarie%2F20160218_164518_zpsgyaessd8.jpg&hash=d57abf1156d460fe64888b4eebc9201812f87083)
Hugs, Devlyn
Hee Heee,
Grace, Suzi, Devlyn the pics are hilarious!!!
The world is a lot better off without those shady characters!
Would you buy a used car from these people.....
Anyone else want to join the Rogues Gallery? :laugh:
Ok. Here I am a year ago just after starting HRT. The "I wanna kill something" look was kind of a permanent feature. It did have its advantages when raising a daughter though because all her boyfriends were afraid to cross me. LOL
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi50.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ff341%2Fdebbie7571%2FMobile%2520Uploads%2F9510F2BA-C659-475B-B961-7FFDBBD882B7_zpsbnxndgna.jpg&hash=72f892bbe7a4d08e8c2ac32b0f97a949a7357bd6) (http://s50.photobucket.com/user/debbie7571/media/Mobile%20Uploads/9510F2BA-C659-475B-B961-7FFDBBD882B7_zpsbnxndgna.jpg.html)
Sapere Aude
Quote from: Ms Grace on February 17, 2016, 01:36:24 AM
It is folly to transition or not transition only on the basis of whether or not we can "be beautiful". Sure we all want to look our best, we want to be at least attractive or pleasing to other people, especially if we intend on finding a lover or intimate partner. While we have to work with what we've got there are of course many things we can do to hopefully improve that... some of it might be surgical but a lot of it is just cosmetic and using visual cues that feminise our appearance.
If trying to look beautiful was my personal yes/no start line then I probably never would started. After all, this was me in 2012...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fxmung.com%2Fimpossumbly%2F12-00-00-pre-grace.jpg&hash=e6f7d9156289a73e2bfdaa1ee5a2a1086b5ee04c)
Remarkably, somehow, with some HRT and cosmetic help I've managed to finagle myself into a reasonable looking broad... but if you had told me I could do it in 2012 I would have laughed at you.
Ms Grace......you are a constant inspiration to me and I love your positive outlook and reasoned thoughtful posts.....thank you.....!!
As for "reasonable looking broad"..... Yes....I think you are all that and more....when I look at your picture I see a happy, modern thinking, very attractive woman who is totally comfortable with herself......and that is exactly my goal...
Hugs
Dianne
xo
This sounds familiar to my situation as well. I am almost 60 years of age and know I will never win a beauty contest. I just no longer worry about it and go my own way. I was not an unattractive man and I present quite well for a 60 year old girl.
As a non passing trans woman who has been living full time for 6 months, I try to just make the most of what I have I guess, eventually you just get to the point where you'd rather lives as your true self no matter how awful you look. Funny thing is I used to get tons of compliments from women for being handsome.
Id rather be the ugliest woman, than the most handsome man.
I can't transition for medical reasons and I honestly don't pass anymore. The fat movement will make me look horrific and the face changes just won't work for me. I can't take T, and if I could I would, but things don't work that way in my life I guess...
A few years ago my mum said I shouldn't transition because I'd be an ugly woman, I resisted the urge to tell her that being ugly hadn't stopped her enjoying her life & simply told her that I'd rather die old & alone as an ugly woman than die in the next few years as a deeply unhappy, suicidal man (I then hung up the phone before I said something I'd regret)
Don't let others set the boundaries for your own happiness, especially if those boundaries are formed by a warped world view of beauty founded by marketing forces & airbrushed beyond reasonable expectations
Quote from: Jayne on February 28, 2016, 03:13:12 PM
...I'd rather die old & alone as an ugly woman than die in the next few years as a deeply unhappy, suicidal man...
I think this is thing cis people just don't understand, regardless of our appearance outcomes it is the need to be the gender we identify as that drives us.
Quote from: Jayne on February 28, 2016, 03:13:12 PM
A few years ago my mum said I shouldn't transition because I'd be an ugly woman...
I had a similar response from a friend who had found out I'd tried to transition years earlier, he said I would've made a "weird looking woman". He was more than happy to eat his words a few years later when I did transition for good. :)
Quote from: DianneM on February 19, 2016, 12:13:44 PM
Ms Grace......you are a constant inspiration to me and I love your positive outlook and reasoned thoughtful posts.....thank you.....!!
As for "reasonable looking broad"..... Yes....I think you are all that and more....when I look at your picture I see a happy, modern thinking, very attractive woman who is totally comfortable with herself......and that is exactly my goal...
Thanks hon, my first attempt at transition was such a disaster of fear and self-loathing I had to do a lot of personal work on my feelings and thinking which helped immensely... so I understand what a hard ride transition can be and it's one of the main reasons I really want to help where people might be struggling. :)
Rather have a beautiful heart than worry how others perceive my looks. It's all about me. Nobody else. I'm satisfied when I look in a mirror.
So many great posts in this thread. It was so heartening to see how many of you have come so far and made yourselves into what you should have been all along.
I must admit I have many days when I tell myself, "I'll never make it, and even if I did, I would never be accepted as a woman by society." But when I think it through, I can't make a case for not transitioning. Okay, so I would avoid possible rejection by my children, and I wouldn't have the stress and anguish of trying to transition at work. But I would all but guarantee myself I would be miserable for the rest of my days, wondering, "what if?". How is that better?
All I strive to be is an average middle-aged woman you wouldn't look at twice on the street. I think that's a reasonable goal, and hopefully one I can achieve. Thank you all that shared your before-and-after pics for your candor and strength of character. It really helps the rest of us.
With kindness,
Terri
Quote from: Maybebaby56 on February 28, 2016, 06:10:13 PM
All I strive to be is an average middle-aged woman you wouldn't look at twice on the street.
From all I know about you, Terri, you'll never be average. I predict that as a woman, you'll fall somewhere on the scale between "special" and "amazing".