When I first started posting here, I was skeptical about fully transitioning. Or maybe I wasn't so much skeptical as I was trying to rationalize my fear. Let's face it, being transgender isn't something anyone wants to be, and going through a transition isn't something anyone want to have to do. But one of my biggest concerns, was that maybe when everything was said and done it wouldn't be worth it. Maybe I would have gone through a process and done irreversible things to myself only to end up feeling even more miserable and depressed than when I started.
And lately, I was starting to think, that being a girl is starting to feel kind of normal. The thrill of starting hormones buying new clothes, putting on makeup the first time, all that stuff was old news. I was out to everyone, I was through with my legal name change, and the only things left were surgeries I couldn't afford. I was thinking about this a lot, but yet somehow it just didn't seem to bother me as much as I had feared. I was just living my life, the way I was before, but with one important difference. I felt normal.
Normal is not a word that is typically associated with being transgender, but that's the way I've started to feel. I am just going out in the world, doing my own thing, and being myself. I'm not constantly second guessing myself anymore, or feeling self-conscious for no apparent reason. Well, I am still self-conscious about being transgender, but I think I'm starting to get over it, and I'm starting to think I really could one day reach the point where even that is not something I have to think about very much. I never seriously expected this to happen. I never seriously thought there would be a point after transition where I could ever feel normal again. But what I'm realizing is that the way I feel now is just the proof that I never knew what normal felt like in the first place. I've started to think maybe now I finally understand why it's so hard for cisgendered people to empathize with us. I mean, change my gender to male? That sounds completely nuts, why on earth would anyone ever want to do that? ;)
So to anyone reading this who might be doubting themselves, questioning if transition is worth it, or if it will do more harm then good, I have just one thing to say. Feeling normal is awesome! Life is just so much better when you are not drowning in a sea of anxiety and self-loathing. Maybe you can't ever completely get over being transgender, but not dealing with it is infinitely worse than at least doing something. Forget about passing, forget about being attractive, forget about trying to impress other people. In the end, none of those things are what it's really about. What it's about, is being true to yourself, and finding happiness wherever and with whomever you can find it. If you can do that, nothing else matters.
Dear Miyuki,
What a great post. I very much empathize with you. I know I want to transition, even though I don't know what it will get me. In fact, I have a better idea of what it will cost me. The risks are clear, but the benefits are not. Yet, when I consider not transitioning, I am filled with despair.
I am so glad to hear your transition has become the "new normal" for you. And you are right - I think I have been putting up with the dysphoria so long I don't know what "normal" is. My entire life has been lived wishing I were not me. Why on earth would I cling to that? Yet, that is exactly what I do.
You have given me much to think about. Thank you.
With kindness,
Terri
Wow... thank you. I just posted a new - rather depressing - post myself but your words brought a bit of light back into my life.... Thank you for that!!! :)))
You rock, girl!
Love
-J
Hi! That is such a pleasant post to read. It sounds like you have reached the point that we all crave, normalcy. Congradulations! I see the nature of being transgender as forcing us to focus on a process that can become all encompassing. It makes sense if you think about what we have to change in our lives. Hopefully when I get further along I will be able to relax as you have.
Moni
Thank you for this post I also thought I am looney for doing this and maybe there is reason behind the madness after all. I woke up this morning and also had a why am I putting myself through this but maybe I will feel normal one day also.
Quote from: Miyuki on January 29, 2016, 08:31:08 PM
When I first started posting here, I was skeptical about fully transitioning. Or maybe I wasn't so much skeptical as I was trying to rationalize my fear. Let's face it, being transgender isn't something anyone wants to be, and going through a transition isn't something anyone want to have to do. But one of my biggest concerns, was that maybe when everything was said and done it wouldn't be worth it. Maybe I would have gone through a process and done irreversible things to myself only to end up feeling even more miserable and depressed than when I started.
And lately, I was starting to think, that being a girl is starting to feel kind of normal. The thrill of starting hormones buying new clothes, putting on makeup the first time, all that stuff was old news. I was out to everyone, I was through with my legal name change, and the only things left were surgeries I couldn't afford. I was thinking about this a lot, but yet somehow it just didn't seem to bother me as much as I had feared. I was just living my life, the way I was before, but with one important difference. I felt normal.
Normal is not a word that is typically associated with being transgender, but that's the way I've started to feel. I am just going out in the world, doing my own thing, and being myself. I'm not constantly second guessing myself anymore, or feeling self-conscious for no apparent reason. Well, I am still self-conscious about being transgender, but I think I'm starting to get over it, and I'm starting to think I really could one day reach the point where even that is not something I have to think about very much. I never seriously expected this to happen. I never seriously thought there would be a point after transition where I could ever feel normal again. But what I'm realizing is that the way I feel now is just the proof that I never knew what normal felt like in the first place. I've started to think maybe now I finally understand why it's so hard for cisgendered people to empathize with us. I mean, change my gender to male? That sounds completely nuts, why on earth would anyone ever want to do that? ;)
So to anyone reading this who might be doubting themselves, questioning if transition is worth it, or if it will do more harm then good, I have just one thing to say. Feeling normal is awesome! Life is just so much better when you are not drowning in a sea of anxiety and self-loathing. Maybe you can't ever completely get over being transgender, but not dealing with it is infinitely worse than at least doing something. Forget about passing, forget about being attractive, forget about trying to impress other people. In the end, none of those things are what it's really about. What it's about, is being true to yourself, and finding happiness wherever and with whomever you can find it. If you can do that, nothing else matters.
Beautifully written, Miyuki! :) Indeed, mind if I quote you in the future if the need will ever arise? After all, this post of yours is certainly very insightful in regards to your life and life experiences. :)
Also, though, I have an issue with just one of your sentences here:
QuoteLet's face it, being transgender isn't something anyone wants to be,
Frankly, I myself am certainly an
extremely strong counterexample to this statement. After all, while I am currently an aspiring feminine eunuch/genderqueer person, I certainly
would like to be(come) a lesbian or
strongly lesbian-leaning trans-woman if we will ever have the technology to successfully change one's gender identity. :) Seriously--after all, I certainly cross-dream
a lot about me be(com)ing a trans-woman. :)
Quote from: Futurist on January 29, 2016, 10:39:32 PM
Beautifully written, Miyuki! :) Indeed, mind if I quote you in the future if the need will ever arise? After all, this post of yours is certainly very insightful in regards to your life and life experiences. :)
By all means. ;) I'm really happy to hear my post resonated with you, and that goes for everyone else who replied too. :)
Quote from: Futurist on January 29, 2016, 10:39:32 PMFrankly, I myself am certainly an extremely strong counterexample to this statement. After all, while I am currently an aspiring feminine eunuch/genderqueer person, I certainly would like to be(come) a lesbian or strongly lesbian-leaning trans-woman if we will ever have the technology to successfully change one's gender identity. :) Seriously--after all, I certainly cross-dream a lot about me be(com)ing a trans-woman. :)
Believe it or not, I think there are a lot of good things about being transgender. I think if nothing else, my life would have been a lot less interesting if I had been cisgender. But it would have also saved me from a lot of pain and hardship. I would not have asked for this if I knew what I was getting myself into. Still, I could never be happy being a man, because it's not who I am. For me to be a cisgendered man, I'd have to be a different person. And if I were a cisgendered woman, I would have led a very different life, which also would have made me a different person. So I guess the only way I can exist is for me to be transgender, whether I like it or not. ::)
I tell people all the time that the best way to describe how I feel now that I have transitioned is "normal". I am amazed that I now look forward to my life. That sense of dread that used to hang over me is gone. Normal is good.
Quote from: Miyuki on January 29, 2016, 11:08:13 PM
By all means. ;) I'm really happy to hear my post resonated with you, and that goes for everyone else who replied too. :)
Good! :)
QuoteBelieve it or not, I think there are a lot of good things about being transgender. I think if nothing else, my life would have been a lot less interesting if I had been cisgender. But it would have also saved me from a lot of pain and hardship. I would not have asked for this if I knew what I was getting myself into. Still, I could never be happy being a man, because it's not who I am. For me to be a cisgendered man, I'd have to be a different person. And if I were a cisgendered woman, I would have led a very different life, which also would have made me a different person. So I guess the only way I can exist is for me to be transgender, whether I like it or not. ::)
Completely understood! :) However, unlike you and the overwhelming majority of people, I myself actually
don't prescribe
that much value to my current self. Indeed, if I could "sacrifice" my current genderqueer/demi-guy self so that a lesbian (trans-)female version of myself can be created in its place, then I would certainly do it--if not now, then eventually! :) After all, my cross-dreaming gives me so much joy! :) :D