Well last night I had a dream about her I was holding her in my arms and she was there I can feel her touch on my body and I long for that again. I can't imagine that this is better than losing someone to death this is not in any way better because if someone is dead you can make peace that they are gone. With divorce while you still love someone so much that you cannot imagine a life without them is the worst thing that God can bring over a persons path I cannot in my life explain the hurt I carry in me a torn soul.
While I think I am making progress and while I think I want to transition I wake up like today and I cried about her after the dream. I was crying for her touch and all. I looked into her eyes for ten years while she told me she loved me. I looked in those eyes while we got married. I looked into that eyes the day my child was born and then I looked in those eyes when she told me she doesn't love me anymore and her life would be better without me.
She says she is happy without me. Well then I am sort of glad she found her happiness but really it hurts like hell if someone tells you that they are happier without you. I am not happier without her I hate myself each day for all that I have done even mumbling the words I am trans is killing me slowly. I have a pain and hurt that I can't explain and it is really eating at me badly it is eating at my soul. Every day I think to myself would I not be better of dead and I am becoming more suicidal each day. I don't know if I will snap and do it one day but at this stage I am struggling to get by to get by without my wife and daughter it feels if they are dead.
The thing is like this morning I eventually dragged myself out of bed and started cleaning my room but still the guilt that I am carrying is becoming unbearable at times. Then I am living with my mother that is not one of the most stable environments so if I survive I must get work to get out of here as soon as possible. I eventually conjured up the courage to dress up as female and the guilt and internal transfobia floored me and I sobbed about what I am becoming and if this is right I started to have regrets I started to feel stupid. I know the dysphoria feelings is real but I don't want them it makes my life so complicated and it is unnecessary.
I know suicide is not the answer but it surely looks like an option sometimes to end the pain. Then living with my mother does not work she has got her own issues and is dumping it all on me each day. She is one of those persons that jumps on her horse very quickly and rides it till it passes out of thirst. So my nights are drowned by babbling even if I am sitting and she can see I am typing she will talk and talk and talk and at this stage I need peace and quite to figure myself out.
So being without my wife and my child on this weekend is really hurting me like hell. I feel that suicide may not be a choice when the hurt eventually out weigh the reason to live. It is alright living as myself or authentic self but really it does not make up for the hurt at this stage it does not even comes close. All the things I liked and was not allowed to do I can do now I can wear the clothes that I want to wear I can have long hair even it is a wig for now I can wear makeup. But what I lost to get to this point I won't say was worth it to me.
In a way I feel like it is stupid getting divorced because of having gd and not going through with transition. It feels if I have to go through with it because of the high cost and everyone I know knows that I am trans. I really really came out to everyone.
All my doors are closed I only got 3 doors.
Door 1
Transition get it over and done with hope all is okay and I am fine and happy in the end. Get over my wife be good friends with her a great parent and hope to find real true love again.
Or
I can be sad I can regret my choice to transition me and my ex can always fight we can be enimies and I will never find someone to love me.
Door 2
Don't transition try to live a normal life as a man although I partially transitioned already. I know I will find another woman my wife won't be interested in me because she knows I am trans and that is the problem. Then I have to walk around with dhysporia and depression and anxiety as a result of it.
Or
Door 3
just end it all with jumping and getting it done with
I really don't know I will speak with my therapist on monday I really have to get to her I am trying to cope and be okay like last night but I really am not okay I realised. Anytime someone like me is having suicidal thoughts each day and consider it as an option no matter how you try to lie and be happy you know you have problems.
Door 1 is the only choice Hon.
Have some hope and concentrate on the positive *hugs*
You might go to the chat ... if you want to talk to people ...
or talk to a few friends, that can help lift mood too ...
and you can always call or mail here, 24/7 ... please reach out in time, there are people there to help:
http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us
hugs
#3 will always be an option if you go the other two routes. However if you choose #3 now, you'll never know how the other routes would have turned out.
I agree with Cindy. Don't even consider #3 until you've tried #1 first.
I am really trying door 1 but it a bumpy and emotional ride at this stage :embarrassed:
Quote from: Amoré on January 30, 2016, 05:39:52 AM
I am really trying door 1 but it's a bumpy and emotional ride at this stage :embarrassed:
Ol' doom-and-gloom here with some gloomy perspectives.
This pretty much describes my whole life. I've gotten through by saying I wasn't put on this earth to lie around and eat bon-bons.
Door 3 has been on my mind and occasionally my most fervent wish for at least the past 50 years. Somehow I'm missing the courage to actually go through with it. I plan out how how I would do it, but then I'm too scared to take any concrete steps towards doing it. Like the song says, "I gets weary and sick a' trying / I'm tired of livin' but I'm scared a' dyin'."
For the last 20 years or so, I've kept going by saying my kids need me, I won't abandon them the way I felt my parents (and all the other adults in my life) abandoned me when I was a kid.
Quote from: Amoré on January 30, 2016, 04:47:17 AM
Well last night I had a dream about her I was holding her in my arms and she was there I can feel her touch on my body and I long for that again.
I separated from my (now ex-) wife over 10 years ago, and I still feel this way at times. And
I was the one who divorced
her. Go figure.
I recently bought a three-foot tall teddy bear who I hug at night. It helps.
Oh, yeah, maudlin stories (e.g., movies) help. And chocolate.
Lots of chocolate.
I think the only reason why I am still here is my popsicle really all the other stuff I really hate I am used to a person like my wife being there 24/7 supporting me being a person I could turn too always there always available and now I am alone I have to learn a lot of stuff to do on my own that she used to do but I guess it is the same with her as both partners poses different skills and bring that into the relationship. I miss her sense of humour as we had the same sense of humour so I could always make her laugh. I mis a lot of things really that is getting to me today. She went and visited my father today with my child I am sitting 3 hours away staying with my mom. It breaks me really and I can only think what my step mother is conjuring up and telling them again.
I really miss a body besides me and I want only her I can't see that someone will be able to replace her is it even possible. :'(
My situation is currently different than yours, but I have contemplated suicide many times. If I decide to start transitioning my wife and I may split. I haven't come out to my kids and not sure how that will go if I do. What helps me dismiss my dark thoughts and fears is to focus on the love I have for my kids. As my therapist reminded me, there is no surer way to ruin your kid's life than to take yours. I've seen this first hand with some kids in a youth group I used to help with who lost their dad to suicide. They weren't kids anymore, but they weren't adults either. They were hollowed out by what happened to them and very desperate to fill the hole.
You can't control what others say and do, so don't let their actions define who you are. There are people out there who are, or have been terribly hurt, and the only way they know to make themselves feel better is to tear others down. I hope you can look through their actions and see that they are just imperfect people that don't know how to make themselves feel better without hurting others.
I wish you the best and I hope you will reach out for help beyond this forum. Call the hotline others have recommended to help you get through the weekend, and just take it day by day.
Btw: if that's you in your avatar picture, you are very beautiful.
Dear Amoré:
It's door number 1!!! The others aren't really alternatives; they are paths to ruin or worse. Keep going on, one step at a time every day, just one step and then see about another tomorrow. I can promise you that will work.
Please seek help immediately if the burden is too heavy.
Yours in peace,
Rachel
Quote from: Qrachel on January 30, 2016, 09:39:51 AM
Dear Amoré:
It's door number 1!!! The others aren't really alternatives; they are paths to ruin or worse. Keep going on, one step at a time every day, just one step and then see about another tomorrow. I can promise you that will work.
Please seek help immediately if the burden is too heavy.
Yours in peace,
Rachel
Completely agreed.
Quote from: redeye92 on January 30, 2016, 09:09:07 AM
My situation is currently different than yours, but I have contemplated suicide many times. If I decide to start transitioning my wife and I may split. I haven't come out to my kids and not sure how that will go if I do. What helps me dismiss my dark thoughts and fears is to focus on the love I have for my kids. As my therapist reminded me, there is no surer way to ruin your kid's life than to take yours. I've seen this first hand with some kids in a youth group I used to help with who lost their dad to suicide. They weren't kids anymore, but they weren't adults either. They were hollowed out by what happened to them and very desperate to fill the hole.
You can't control what others say and do, so don't let their actions define who you are. There are people out there who are, or have been terribly hurt, and the only way they know to make themselves feel better is to tear others down. I hope you can look through their actions and see that they are just imperfect people that don't know how to make themselves feel better without hurting others.
I wish you the best and I hope you will reach out for help beyond this forum. Call the hotline others have recommended to help you get through the weekend, and just take it day by day.
Btw: if that's you in your avatar picture, you are very beautiful.
I am so sorry to hear about you struggle my popsicle is only 2 years old so there is not much to explain. I realised the only way also to dismiss this dark thoughts is to focus on the love between me and my child and it is really the only thing that keeps me going. But they return as I haven't got her near me at all. I will try to keep on pushing and see where it ends up in a couple of months but transitioning is not for the weak I know it takes a lot out of you.
It is me in the avatar thank you for you great comment.
If you want to stare into a beautiful pair of eyes and fall in love, then go look in the mirror.
Quote from: CarlyMcx on January 30, 2016, 11:51:06 PM
If you want to stare into a beautiful pair of eyes and fall in love, then go look in the mirror.
hahaha :o are they that beautiful...
Well I am cycling going to trails and my wife used to ride with me and this morning it is catching me. As you get to places that brings up memories it is crap and you just want to cry. I hate it really at that stage I just want to turn back time and she don't want to be with me. I am not used to being alone.
I know for sure what stopped my suicide was transitioning. I've lived my whole life alone and I couldn't and wouldn't take it anymore. I got into therapy to try to stop me from killing myself. There was no path for me. when you get tired of crying every night for forty years because that person you kept praying for would enter your life so you can have a family never shows up and you realize your 64 years old and long passed the ability to have a child my only path was death. I sought out help to give one final chance at life and I realized the path that I needed to save what's left of my life at 64 was the dream that started when I was 4 years old. I took a chance and started HRT and now I'm alive with the hope of fulfilling a dream of letting myself out of the prison of pain.
Amore, I am positive there are many here who relate to you, some almost to a tee. You will hear from some who have thrived after having incredibly dark periods like the one you are going through. Listen to these stories.
Personally, I was knocking on Door #3 for most of my life. Opened it twice, actually. Once I finally stood in front of Door #1, though... I kicked that goddamn thing open and never looked back. Now, Door #3 is a sight fading into the rest of my bad memories.
Please hold nothing from your therapist when you see them on your next appointment. This is a very delicate time in your life and it is important to examine everything and let wisdom and love back into it.
I don't know what is stopping me from really doing it except my child and what pain it will leave behind for her. That is the only thing it does not look if my ex really cares much what I am up to or do with my life she is just glad that she can be unhinged from me the transgender embarrassment.
It sucks I see normal couples walking around with their baby and children, I feel guilty why can't I be normal I want to be normal I was normal. I at least made everyone believe I was normal. :embarrassed: With all this my bisexuality came out again I dumped my whole hidden history on her of my struggle with dysporia I told her everything. I trusted her I thought she would be the understanding woman that I knew.
I am sitting with a massive amount of guilt because the last 5 months I was not really there I was sitting in a depressive hole . I was there physically but mentally I was not available the last couple of years I won't say I was the best husband because I was always there physically but emotionally I was not there really that is where the problems started so there were already problems before I came out and stuff that she was unhappy with.
I have a lot of what if moments and maybe if I do this or that. I don't know if it is my head not wanting to accept the reality of what is happening. I get really depressed because the girl with the beautiful eyes in the mirror does not replace her or a marriage. I am still trying to find what some of you found in happiness in transitioning and being yourself and if that meant losing your marriage family and friends then you are maybe stronger than me.
I am transitioning someday's and I don't even know why! I don't know why I am going through all this crap sometimes I wonder if it is really worth it. I know if I stop the process I am still going to struggle with it. If the hrt works out of my system it will become nasty and especially know that I have no one tying me down. So I don't really know why I am going down door no 1 I know I am pushing forward in the end and hope to find something there worth all this.
I so feel for you as I'm thinking such summar thoughts , why can't I just be a normal guy , why do I have to think I'm transgender , my wife and I have good jobs , house, 3 boys all under 12. Was in such a depressive state last year , antidepressants have helped but doesn't stop the dysphoria, I so don't want to go and open door 1 , there is family history of suicide and I so know the pain and hurt and I can't bring myself to that to my kids so if I transition my wife will leave me , my 3 boys and school and gossip , God a person could go mad thinking about this. I Thankyou for posting your thoughts and hopefully we can all support each other through this
Hugs Amy
Quote from: Amoré on January 31, 2016, 04:47:18 AM
It sucks I see normal couples walking around with their baby and children, I feel guilty why can't I be normal I want to be normal I was normal.
Maybe you're not ready to hear this, but being trans IS normal. It's simply one, perfectly fine, way to be human. There is absolutely nothing shameful about being trans. To the contrary, we endure difficulties that cisgender people only face in their nightmares.
We are human beings. We love, we hope, we bleed, we struggle.
Being trans is just a different way to be normal.
To make transition more worthwhile, you must try to satisfy all of your needs, so you don't feel like you are replacing one pain for another. It seems the problem is that you feel alone. Is there anyway you can alleviate this feeling?
Quote from: autumn08 on January 31, 2016, 05:50:37 AM
To make transition more worthwhile, you must try to satisfy all of your needs, so you don't feel like you are replacing one pain for another. It seems the problem is that you feel alone. Is there anyway you can alleviate this feeling?
Well I try to fill my life with being more active,searching actively for work and just trying to get through the day I reached out to some people and have good friends that I met on susan's that is really supporting me and helped me a lot in bad times. But none of it fills that big deep dark black crater that was left from losing my wife that crater is there and you can't miss it. If you never loved someone like this you won't really understand what it is to lose them. It would have been easier losing her to death in my opinion because you don't think what is she doing now with who is she is he better than me how is he in bed. I know she wants two children she is going to have a child with her next husband and I can only watch. She is the love of my life and there is nothing you can do you don't own her. She told me it wont bother her if I get someone new well it bothers me.
I sometimes feel she is faking happiness she is trying to spite me and hurt me by faking it and raving"look how much happier I am without you". She will get someone just to spite me like she said. The problem because I am trans I am not capable of being a proper man in her eyes.
Well if you look at my avatar ummm maybe I am far from a man. okay I feminised a bit.
I am exploring dating I know it may be too early but not just dating making friends.
But really I never felt this hurt in my life and like today this sadness that I am carrying the pain gets so overwhelming that I must drag myself out of bed and tell myself why door 1 why not 2 that is still pain or 3 that is easier than the other 2.
What would a compelling future, apart from your wife, look like for you?
Quote from: autumn08 on January 31, 2016, 07:02:11 AM
What would a compelling future, apart from your wife, look like for you?
Well not being trans is impossible. That would have definitely been compelling.
well if I don't end it in the end when the pain starts to out weigh my reason to life. Well a compelling future will be one where I don't hurt anymore really, I think if I can get over her if ever I will be happier. If I choose door 1 I will want to be a happy tg woman that want to be a great parent and find someone that accepts me for who I am I will also want to start a new family with me as the woman in the relationship. That means I will obviously look for a man to make my husband.I would not be able to have kids so would adopt one. Passing is very important too me. I don't want to embarrass my child or a partner with not looking like a woman and it will only make finding one easier.
This is a future without my wife. One that I can conjure up but I already am in tears just thinking of this.
Well door two I don't know if this will work without my marriage. Maybe I will end up at door three then if I take this option or eventually again at one.
I'm sorry it is agonizing to ponder, but I think the future you described is your best hope, and to move towards it is the only way to alleviate your pain. A point exists though, where you again will want to live with every inch you, so please give yourself a chance.
Quote from: autumn08 on January 31, 2016, 07:48:58 AM
I'm sorry it is agonizing to ponder, but I think the future you described is your best hope, and to move towards it is the only way to alleviate your pain. A point exists though, where you again will want to live with every inch you, so please give yourself a chance.
Well my therapist told me the same she told me I must give Amoray a chance and if I am still not happy she will assist me in assisted voluntary suicide which is legal in South Africa now apparently. She told me I will never be happy in the marriage that I had because it is to broken and there was too much hurt. Also that I will never be truly happy until I am not my authentic self. Well I don't know being Amoray is nice in a way but starting all over again after what I had is heart wrenching.
When you think about you had, make a habit of instead thinking about what you can have.
I know much of what I am saying is trite, but maybe the more you are heard and receive the same response, the more conviction you will gain.
Good luck! :)
Quote from: autumn08 on January 31, 2016, 08:28:44 AM
When you think about you had, make a habit of instead thinking about what you can have.
I know much of what I am saying is trite, but maybe the more you are heard and receive the same response, the more conviction you will gain.
Good luck! :)
Thank you I will try that for a change. It is a really hard thing to do but maybe it is the only way forward.
okay I had the strangest thing now I looked at myself in photos and the person in them doesn't feel like me. It feels unreal that I looked like that and how I look now and especially how I look in as female.
It makes me feel bad because I did not realise I changed that much I feminized that much already I don't know how I feminized but my features definitely softened.
No wonder my wife is not attracted to me anymore also and said I changed
Quote from: Amoré on January 31, 2016, 12:22:32 PM
okay I had the strangest thing now I looked at myself in photos and the person in them doesn't feel like me. It feels unreal that I looked like that and how I look now and especially how I look in as female.
It makes me feel bad because I did not realise I changed that much I feminized that much already I don't know how I feminized but my features definitely softened.
No wonder my wife is not attracted to me anymore also and said I changed
Hi Amoré:
Reading this thread today, I wonder what the last sentence of the post about might have sounded like had you written it from the POV Autumn08 suggested most recently. I'd really love to hear that, as I'm pretty sure it's a beautiful recognition/hopeful/exciting view of who Amoré has become and opens an equally beautiful look into her future.
Give looking out that window a try . . . you've got everything to gain and almost nothing to lose, except possibly the remnants of a past that was toxic and can never be had again. However, the past can poison the future unless you let go of it.
Offered with love and hope my dear,
Rachel
I'm sorry your going through so much pain, but to be honest you had 10 years of what you believed was love and you created a child
I've read several times that in THE top stressors in a persons life are:
a) Marriage / Divorce
b) Loosing your job / Looking for work
c) Moving
And you have all three at once! Oh yeah, plus the trans thingy just to make life even more interesting.
I had my baptism of fire too several years ago. I lost my job, found another one some 350 miles from home, and my wife was hating me, almost glad I was gone and not doing much of anything to take advantage of the relocation package I had. A few months into that situation, 30 more pounds added on, and drunk most nights and even more depressed by it all.
Then, and only then, rock bottom in my life of serial disasters, did I know I needed to take the trans beast on for real. And things looked even worse after dropping the T-Bomb.
I transitioned. I changed. I am still growing as a person. It does get better. It does take time. Time to forget. Time to heal. Time to learn new ways of looking at yourself. Even more time not to blame yourself. Time to nurture that inner you. Time to understand who the real you is, or can be in time.
Quote from: Qrachel on January 31, 2016, 01:33:06 PM
Hi Amoré:
Reading this thread today, I wonder what the last sentence of the post about might have sounded like had you written it from the POV Autumn08 suggested most recently. I'd really love to hear that, as I'm pretty sure it's a beautiful recognition/hopeful/exciting view of who Amoré has become and opens an equally beautiful look into her future.
Give looking out that window a try . . . you've got everything to gain and almost nothing to lose, except possibly the remnants of a past that was toxic and can never be had again. However, the past can poison the future unless you let go of it.
Offered with love and hope my dear,
Rachel
The sad reality about this for me is I don't see that as a realistic outcome. I would love to mother children have a baby that I can breast feed that is what really triggered the dysphoria and brought it back stronger then ever it was not that I could not live as a woman in everyday life but I felt robbed of being a mom and mothering a child having that bond with my child that I could see between my daughter and my wife. That was what really activated my whole dysphoria and I started to hate myself for thinking this stuff and why would I be jelous of it.
Sadly for me I can transition but feeling a baby inside me living and kicking is something I will never know and that makes me depressed beyond compare that is the part that I wont have. I don't know even know if I will get a husband because why would they choose me over a cis woman.
Then I can't have babies. The thing I wanted most as a woman. The part that hurts me the most before she came out as lying about being bisexual and drove me to attempted suicide we tried for a child and it was also her idea that I can experience mothering my own child my blood child even if I could not carry the baby and we would have been parents together sharing motherhood on both kids. That I what really broke me losing her and losing that with her.
Quote from: stephaniec on January 31, 2016, 01:52:10 PM
I'm sorry your going through so much pain, but to be honest you had 10 years of what you believed was love and you created a child
Please don't diminish someone's feeling like that ever again? It was true love for her towards her wife. Just because it didn't end in a happy ending doesn't mean it wasn't true love from her side.
I myself am from the good old RSA and understand a lot of the social things that you are going through. I lost my fiancé to similar reasons as you lost your wive. I am pretty much pre everything for all the all the social realities you mentioned previously.
My suggestion is to find something that is you, that transcends gender definitions, that brings joy to your life. A personal example form my life was starting to play Cricket again. It brought a wholeness to myself that will go beyond gender boundaries. Find that for yourself and your transition will be just another step on the road that we call life.
you know that everything you've said can be applied to everyone on this forum. The thing is we survive and move on.
Quote from: Andrea Rosalie on January 31, 2016, 02:53:56 PM
Please don't diminish someone's feeling like that ever again? It was true love for her towards her wife. Just because it didn't end in a happy ending doesn't mean it wasn't true love from her side.
I myself am from the good old RSA and understand a lot of the social things that you are going through. I lost my fiancé to similar reasons as you lost your wive. I am pretty much pre everything for all the all the social realities you mentioned previously.
My suggestion is to find something is you, that transcends gender definitions, that brings joy to your life. A personal example form my life was starting to play Cricket again. It brought a wholeness to myself that will go beyond gender boundaries. Find that for yourself and your transition will be just another step on the road that we call life.
I'm not diminishing anyone that's one more child and one more marriage that I had had. I said I was sorry for the pain , but there are those of us that are in the same way.
Honey, the only way to go is transitioning. There is a woman inside your spirit, heart and soul. Hiding her will not make anything better.
I tried to hide the man inside me, and live life like before. I would cry daily and couldn't look myself in the mirror. I felt suicidal and had many thoughts of going with it. I didn't see a clear future; my life was very dark, and looking back on it, quite a blur.
But things will only get better for the woman inside you, if you let her be free. Yes, she is in love with someone who doesn't love her back. But one day, the woman inside of you will find a lover better. A person who loves you as the trans woman you are.
The man inside me was in love with a man who didn't love him, too. And it hurts. Like hell. But once you get out of hell, there is a wonderful life waiting for you.
Please don't give up. I'm extremely glad I didn't kill myself, and one day, you'll look back, and be glad that you didn't as well.
Quote from: Amoré on January 31, 2016, 02:35:01 PM
The sad reality about this for me is I don't see that as a realistic outcome. I would love to mother children have a baby that I can breast feed that is what really triggered the dysphoria and brought it back stronger then ever it was not that I could not live as a woman in everyday life but I felt robbed of being a mom and mothering a child having that bond with my child that I could see between my daughter and my wife. That was what really activated my whole dysphoria and I started to hate myself for thinking this stuff and why would I be jelous of it.
Sadly for me I can transition but feeling a baby inside me living and kicking is something I will never know and that makes me depressed beyond compare that is the part that I wont have. I don't know even know if I will get a husband because why would they choose me over a cis woman.
Then I can't have babies. The thing I wanted most as a woman. The part that hurts me the most before she came out as lying about being bisexual and drove me to attempted suicide we tried for a child and it was also her idea that I can experience mothering my own child my blood child even if I could not carry the baby and we would have been parents together sharing motherhood on both kids. That I what really broke me losing her and losing that with her.
When your gender dysphoria is triggered by seeing a woman with her child, could you the reframe the situation, and envision yourself being the mother of your future adopted child?
Quote from: stephaniec on January 31, 2016, 02:57:37 PM
I'm not diminishing anyone that's one more child and one more marriage that I had had. I said I was sorry for the pain , but there are those of us that are in the same way.
Then I apologise for my message. I took it up wrong. I am a bit sensitive when it comes to that as too often in my life I have been told how I feel.
Hey guy's thank you for all the advice I will try to envision myself as the woman with the child but it does not replace what I lost really.
I know it can be applied to everyone on this forum but what if this makes me so damn depressed because of what I would have had if it worked out how many lost that having a biological child with their wife that they love. I will probably survive or not I don't know everyone is different and feels pain different.
It was true love I know she still loves me or the male part of me but she can't live with the female side. She is not bisexual and I can understand how that in a way can end true love for some people. She let go of her husband beacause in her mind she lost him he is dead. That is how she sees it the person walking here is not the husband she married in her believes. So the husband she truly loved is gone.
For me personally this pain is becoming unbearable at stages so much that I am feeling suicidal at stages and it scares me because I am afraid of snapping and going through with it because I am at so emotional and delicate stage.
Me the B that killed her husband is left. I am a broken and tore apart person because she loved him not this person I am. In her mind it is two different people. So I lived true love everything about it was real. Why will I be so broken if it wasn't. I would not hurt like this believe me because I know what I lost and I am grieving. I am going through hell and I am at rock bottom in my life also.
I started mountain biking again with the idea of losing weight and dropping muscle mass but it is great fun except that I get reminded of her at some places.
Quote from: Amoré on January 31, 2016, 11:22:58 PM
Hey guy's thank you for all the advice I will try to envision myself as the woman with the child but it does not replace what I lost really.
There are an infinite number of things you could imagine and a great many of them would not have the loss and failure aspects you now are encountering. Are you setting yourself up here? I don't know but you should know before wishing for something with the pretense of improving your outlook. I say this with powerful love and the deep angst as I remember well my time of grief in transitioning.
I know it can be applied to everyone on this forum but what if this makes me so damn depressed because of what I would have had if it worked out how many lost that having a biological child with their wife that they love. I will probably survive or not I don't know everyone is different and feels pain different.
First, see my statement immediately above. Then, everyone is different - yes we/they are. And everyone lives with the same general rules of time and place, cause and effect, belief and fact. It's senseless to impute these things to others; you are you and while you share much with each of us your circumstances are yours. That said, it's our differences that creates the opportunity for new and yet unforeseen possibilities. If you focus on pain you'll find possibilities with more and more of it. Your old self feels as if a mortal blow has been stuck, but reality says different and all the different lives reflected here on Susan's are a testament to an infinite set of possibilities other than pain. In the end it's got to be about love of yourself as you are and the beauty of that person (yet to be be fully developed) she will become. (Note: Would love to talk about motherhood at a later time - still a deep and powerful conversation for me and possibly others. I could start a thread . . . ☺ )
It was true love I know she still loves me or the male part of me but she can't live with the female side. She is not bisexual and I can understand how that in a way can end true love for some people. She let go of her husband because in her mind she lost him he is dead. That is how she sees it the person walking here is not the husband she married in her believes. So the husband she truly loved is gone.
The hard reality of that matter, i.e. she loved you, is something you created as a result of being with her. It is simply impossible to 'know' another; all we can do is speculate and hope that speculation is workable enough for us to feel as we would like to feel - it's often a crap shoot (U.S. for chancy). I'm not depreciating what you each created for yourselves, just take responsibility for what truly happened; i.e. she made you feel loved and then she didn't. This is important because you are going to have to own and live with that reality, and how you do so has everything to do with your happiness going forward.
For me personally this pain is becoming unbearable at stages so much that I am feeling suicidal at stages and it scares me because I am afraid of snapping and going through with it because I am at so emotional and delicate stage.
Please understand that the world and certainly many, many here at Susan's understand and have deep empathy for you. If I could, I would come over and take you out for coffee/tea and snacks daily while we idled away a little time in a sisterhood for one another . . . we/I deeply care. Please keep talking here, and see you if can't find our/your gifts given to you as part of something bigger and more beautiful than anything one might imagine humanly possible. You my dear, sweet one are part of that and we are made so much more complete and beautiful because of you. For my part, enough of this and please let this beautiful world you are a part of embrace you and you them/us.
Me the B that killed her husband is left. I am a broken and tore apart person because she loved him not this person I am. In her mind it is two different people. So I lived true love everything about it was real. Why will I be so broken if it wasn't. I would not hurt like this believe me because I know what I lost and I am grieving. I am going through hell and I am at rock bottom in my life also.
Your loss is truly sad and so unfortunate. That does neither change who you are nor your future, unless you permit it to do so which only ensures the difficulties of the past will continue to fill your future. There is a time for grief, and you are in it. It can hurt and often does. We/I get that as many of us have been there, some of us for decades. Speaking from experience don't go long-term here; it totally sucks!!!!! It's true though, that it is a trial we all seem to face. I offer my deepest feelings of knowing, feeling and surviving such pain, and only ask that as you feel your pain many of us feel with you and await your turn away from the pain - if only a little bit for a short time, and then again, and again . . . just little slices here and there. Eventually, slice by slice you will create a whole loaf of life anew and the blessings you seek tempered by great wisdom and new strengths you never knew before. (P.S. Don't underrate being a B . . . it has it's useful purposes ;-) )
I started mountain biking again with the idea of losing weight and dropping muscle mass but it is great fun except that I get reminded of her at some places.
Keep riding; you love it so. Bike riding was one of my salvations too. 8)
Sent with love to you my dear, sent with love . . . .
Rachel
Thank you Rachel I always appreciate your input. I am totally floored this morning she hurt me so badly again. Telling me awful stuff like she will find someone that can be a dad for my child and someone who wants to spend time with her and be a role model for her.
She told me that being trans is a big problem(she had a swear word here) and that I am a big problem. Telling me she is glad I came out as trans because this exposed all our problems in our relationship.
She is really bashing me for being trans this morning and that is why she is divorcing me
First, thank you and I am very hopeful for you . . . it's tough now but it gets easier.
Second, there's always the possibility of only talking to her when it's prescribed legally or essential for the care and overall well-being of your daughter.
I finally had to refuse to engage with my ex until she could do so w/o the wrath and painful guilt tripping. It took a few incidents and a month or so but it changed - wasn't perfect but definitely much better.
Rachel
My heart goes out to you. As someone that has had depression and anxiety most of her life. You have a lot of really good life ahead of you and door #1 is the right one to charge through.
In my darkest loneliest moments i have found three helpful things. One, medical - make sure the docs know of the feelings and get meds to help. Social - Get out among people a lot of people, shopping, sitting and reading in coffee shops whatever. Ignore the happy families they all have their issues too. Just enjoy being out with others. Three, altruism - One of the best ways to elevate yourself out of things is to help people who are worse off or bad off in another way. Volunteer, join an organization etc.
hugs - Robyn
Well I went to my therapist today and I told her that my wife is bashing me for transitioning and that I don't want to be a father and that she is going to look for someone that wants to be a father for my popsicle. Well I told her to go ahead with her plan then if that is what she wants because I can't stop her if she want to replace me.
I was told that my trans issue is a problem and that I myself is a problem.
Quote from: Amoré on February 01, 2016, 11:59:54 AM
Well I went to my therapist today and I told her that my wife is bashing me for transitioning and that I don't want to be a father and that she is going to look for someone that wants to be a father for my popsicle. Well I told her to go ahead with her plan then if that is what she wants because I can't stop her if she want to replace me.
I was told that my trans issue is a problem and that I myself is a problem.
Did the therapist provide any helpful advice or feedback on that?
Quote from: RobynD on February 01, 2016, 12:11:33 PM
Did the therapist provide any helpful advice or feedback on that?
Well my therapist told me my wife is bashing me because she is angry because she does not want me to transition and it is something that is out of her control. So she is starting to play dirty to try and regain control. She is playing my parents up against me also now. She is thinking that my dad will intimidate me enough so that I won't transition.
The funny part is my dad just wants me to open up my mind. Because I was going so much back and forward between transition and not.
It is the third time I am typing this post.
Well basically this morning I was upset by what she said but it is manipulation she is trying ti manipulate me into staying a man. She thought she was safe when she decided to divorce that I am going to stay a man. Really you thought that well you only gave Amoray more reason more life left only 3 doors open and I am taking door no 1.
The other thing that my therapist said I must stop forgiving her behaviour and see it as unacceptable because I am forgiving everything. The way she is treating me is unacceptable. How she is still trying to dictate my life.
Well physical abuse.
Emotional abuse
Trying to make myself feel bad because I am trans.
My endo told me if I stopped with hrt this time he will not give me another subscription. Well she thought I am screwed and I could not get another one. She thought she had it all figured out from using my family to try and make me feel bad to my child to my dad to intimidate me.
What did I do from somewhere in me some sort of strange female power essence came up I do not know what it is where it came from but it is some sort of thing I never felt before and I turned B.
I told her she had the chance to keep me a man if it is so important to her that I stay a man. She failed to do it I am not at fault here she had the opportunity for six months. I even told her last sunday I will stay a man for you it is your choice and she showed me away.
Not she gave me the chance to stay a man for them I gave her the chance and she screwed it up.
Then she want to come and tell me she is going to find someone that want to be a father for my child that want to spend time with her and be a role model for her. ;) Well I told her to go find him because I know step parents and all their crap. Plus a role model who do you think is the role model the step dad that sits and watch rugby and drink beer or wait for it.... The parent that is trans that hit rock bottom and picked herself up that won against dysphoria. The parent that is a real parent and showed the world that we trans people are people and we can love and be loved. We trans people can function in normal life and that we can have families,friends and children. Also we can have careers. All this with all odds stacked against us. Who is the real role model?
Plus she thought she will get rid of Amoray by divorcing me well guess again. We share a child! Amoray is here and she is here too stay she will look into my pretty eyes and see who I really am. I will be at sport events at school events and much more and I will not lie about where my child is coming from pretend that I am the friend and she is some strangers child nooooo. I will make sure they know that me and my ex is her parents. I am not scared I faced enough to be a strong girl. My child will see me standing tall and strong as a woman and follow my example. So she thought she had it all sorted and under control and I would just go on be a man to suit her well guess again.
She had the opportunity it was given to her on a golden platter.
How many trans people are willing to give up their own self and who they are for someone they love? She had it in front of her she could have taken it if it meant so much for her that I stay a man.
Hang in there and know your not alone. The therapist sounds right. She is lashing out and who knows when that will subside but in some way it will mellow out.
Long term, it is usually the bitter parent and not the loving and reconciliatory parent that has a bad relationship with the child. Children see the truth of bitterness and unreasonableness.
Imagine yourself in the better place that door#1 will have for you. At your child's sporting event, with a significant other than you love and being in a better place.
Well I have too make peace with that I can never get her back again. :'( I really love her but she does not want me back she told me never over her dead body will she take me back.
She lashed out about how big problem trans is and how big problem I am.
I don't know if you really love someone how do you get over them?
How do you not want to fix it?
I can't explain to anyone really the amount of pain I am carrying at this stage in time.
I can't explain each day how I really feel in words, why I am going into door one I went in there but still door 3 is an option.
Quote from: Amoré on February 01, 2016, 11:12:26 PM
I don't know if you really love someone how do you get over them?
How do you not want to fix it?
I can't explain to anyone really the amount of pain I am carrying at this stage in time.
I do know how you feel, and I tried all too hard to fix things when my own marriage failed. Sadly, this only made the relationship between my ex and I even worse... toxic in fact. You probably won't like me saying this, but there are some things that you simply have to let go for the sake of your own well-being. Your heart won't begin to heal until you do.
Please don't even consider Door 3. I've been where you are now and I can tell you that things will get better if you give it time.
Also, I hope you're getting good legal advice.
Quote from: Violets on February 02, 2016, 02:52:22 AM
I do know how you feel, and I tried all too hard to fix things when my own marriage failed. Sadly, this only made the relationship between my ex and I even worse... toxic in fact. You probably won't like me saying this, but there are some things that you simply have to let go for the sake of your own well-being. Your heart won't begin to heal until you do.
Please don't even consider Door 3. I've been where you are now and I can tell you that things will get better if you give it time.
Also, I hope you're getting good legal advice.
Hi Violets
Yes I am getting good legal advice. Some things can't be fixed also or the other person does not want to fix it. I know it is better to let it go my therapist also advised it. My relationship turned toxic it turned so bad that we can't even look each other in the eye. I am trying to let it go but sometimes this takes time it takes patience and you think that where you are in this point of time is the end you just want it to stop. I am sitting here dressed female basically living full time now and I won't say it is the most wonderful thing in the world I did not really want this for myself. I got a drive and a need to be female but what I really wanted for myself in life was something completely different.
Some people may want to transition other people have to transition because they haven't got a choice I am one of those people that have to that is forced too by something I did not account for. I thought I will take it too the grave. Why am I doing this to myself taking hormones too change my body be more female appear more female and lose all that I loved for just being a woman. It does not always feel right I feel stupid sometimes.
There are studies showing being transgender has biological connections.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,186458.msg1664590.html#msg1664590
There are differences in brains of women and men so a mismatch is possible.
There are even substances known to cause a higher rate of transgender people.
So its nobodys fault, and transgender people can't help it.
You might concentrate on what you feel makes you happy, and brings you joy (within reason).
You now have the opportunity to explore what you would like, and find new parts of you.
Maybe you want to start cooking ... gardening ... creative activities ... all activities that could bring you in contact with your female side.
*hugs*
Quote from: Amoré on February 02, 2016, 03:36:37 AM
Yes I am getting good legal advice.
Glad to hear that.
BTW, I don't know if I'm mishearing things, but I'm getting the impression that your ex wants to cut off all contact between you and your child. Don't give in on that. Do what you can to (legally) be a part of your child's life, however little that may be. Don't compete, don't put anyone down. As others have said, sooner or later she (?) will figure out what's true and what's a lie. And on that day, if not sooner, the fact that you wanted and tried to be in her life
will matter to her.
Quote from: Amoré on February 02, 2016, 03:36:37 AM
Some things can't be fixed also or the other person does not want to fix it. I know it is better to let it go my therapist also advised it. My relationship turned toxic it turned so bad that we can't even look each other in the eye. I am trying to let it go but sometimes this takes time it takes patience and you think that where you are in this point of time is the end you just want it to stop.
BTDT.
When I was getting divorced, I had to consciously kill my feelings towards my ex. I felt like an animal caught in a leg-hold trap chewing its leg off to save its life.
It's hard and it hurts. A lot. And it never goes away. But you realize at some point that your life does go on even after your heart has been torn out of you. Your heart somehow grows back. And at some point, even though you still care and it still hurts, you wake up and look out at the new day and you find yourself saying, "I'm free!"