I'm really just curious how everyone deals with their self acceptance here. Firstly, the reason I ask is because I'm having a hard time right now accepting the fact that even with HRT, I will still never be just an average person in a sense. I will always be different, have that secret always in my head and paranoia of people I guess.
Everyone just seems reiterate everything that's wrong with me and how I stick out like a sore thumb. It just takes a big toll on myself after seeing how many normal average people are just enjoying themselves. I have this feeling that I for some reason will never emerge fully into society and will always be an outcast.
The main problem with this is that I don't think I accept myself very well. It's always that inner self that just despises myself because of everything that I will never truly be. I just sort of want to just give up at times because I keep thinking why am I even doing this, I'm never going to be how I want either way. I'm trying hard to overcome this, but it gets the most of me, and I'm having trouble fighting it. Especially when everyone feels the need to let me know how much I will stand out all the time.
It's like I'm just wasting my life away, only to be unhappy again. Just that feeling that maybe I'm never supposed to be happy or know what it's like to just be who you are. My life is just decaying I guess, while everyone who I used to know and still talk to is out enjoying themselves, and making the most of their new friends and lives. And here I am, still stuck where no one wants to be, just sitting passively while everything changes and becomes better, except for myself.
I just don't know how to overcome myself and learn how to be happy. I just feel disgusted at everything and everyone right now, and I can't get over it. Everyone just keeps telling me how awesome everything is for themselves and how much they're enjoying life. And here I am going yup yup awesome cool okay, while I notice how pathetic I am.
I understand this is a extreme rant, so sorry ahead of time for the blahness in this post.
Quotejust an average person
Special. There is no good or bad only what you think.
Quote from: shanetastic on October 08, 2007, 05:13:53 PM
The main problem with this is that I don't think I accept myself very well. It's always that inner self that just despises myself because of everything that I will never truly be. I just sort of want to just give up at times because I keep thinking why am I even doing this, I'm never going to be how I want either way. I'm trying hard to overcome this, but it gets the most of me, and I'm having trouble fighting it. Especially when everyone feels the need to let me know how much I will stand out all the time.
You don't need to apologize for anything. That's what we're HERE for!
You're searching for yourself - that's the normal part of being TS. We ALL go through this, because from a very early age, we sense that we're different from everyone else. That leads to insecurities and a lack of self-acceptance.
My therapist told me that I have to find "me", and increasingly Carol is that me, instead of <boy name>. Likewise, it will probably be true for you as well. Early on, you'll doubt yourself - this is totally normal, too. But trust all of us who have been there, you have to keep up the search. You will eventually find out who you are, and it will probably be a person in the other gender from which you were born. You'll probably hear a therapist use the term "letting it out", referring to that other person inside you. It may take you one month, one year, or five years - you have to patient with yourself. Why, you may ask. Finding yourself is a process, and sometimes we have to go by Seattle to get from Maine to Florida. There's nothing wrong with that - it's just the way that some of us are made.
It's important to keep up your search for self-acceptance. If you don't, you face a life of "depressive drifting". Think about it as being the feelings that you have now, but much deeper and long-term. No one deserves that. Keep working with your therapists. If
they don't suit you, find another. It's important to have a dependable guide on the journey, just like if you were out in the wilderness.
Take care, and keep us informed!
Carol
QuoteIt's like I'm just wasting my life away, only to be unhappy again. Just that feeling that maybe I'm never supposed to be happy or know what it's like to just be who you are. My life is just decaying I guess, while everyone who I used to know and still talk to is out enjoying themselves, and making the most of their new friends and lives. And here I am, still stuck where no one wants to be, just sitting passively while everything changes and becomes better, except for myself.
I just don't know how to overcome myself and learn how to be happy. I just feel disgusted at everything and everyone right now, and I can't get over it. Everyone just keeps telling me how awesome everything is for themselves and how much they're enjoying life. And here I am going yup yup awesome cool okay, while I notice how pathetic I am.
I understand this is a extreme rant, so sorry ahead of time for the blahness in this post.
Hello, Shanetastic,
I read your post a few times to get a better idea of what you are feeling yourself. IMHO you're not ranting. You might be signifying but I see no rant there.
You are young compared to me and that can make things more complicated than they would be for someone like me who has different and maybe more numerous life experiences behind her.
There are many platitudes about starting a journey, like "The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step." While that it true, I will add another: In any given project, start-up is the most expensive, pain-in-the-ass phase. Once things get rolling the learning curve decreases from 90 degrees straight up to something more manageable.
Please consider that others are having the fun commensurate with their mode of living. Transitioning is another mode of living and it can be more pleasant than it is now, if you so desire.
Find out who you are, then be tghe best her that you can be. That worked for me. I was way too busy for paranoia. I was also too old for it. Please take a fool's advice and know that most people are too busy with their own problems to get their noses too far into anyone else's. There are always exceptions to this but I believe I have just shared the rule with you.
When you look in the mirror you can always imagine your face, softened by HRT, or longer hair, or anything else that you wish, and enjoy it! There are very few who can look in the mirror and see a woman under construction where a male person had existed.
I hope that this helps.
Wing Walker
Enjoying Every Second of the Flight
Thank you all for your advice so far. I guess I'm just in two contradicting stages right now. One part of myself wants to just forget everything, finish up most of this
physical part of the transition and start trying to enjoy that new life. The other pessimistic side of me wants to realize how horrible I might be, and how I won't fit in with society and that whole fact of standing out like a sore thumb.
QuotePlease consider that others are having the fun commensurate with their mode of living. Transitioning is another mode of living and it can be more pleasant than it is now, if you so desire.
This struck me a lot when I read it. It makes complete sense for the most part except on how to make my mode of living more pleasant than it is now heh. I'm just so down on myself I guess. It's a hard emotion to try and express in words, but I think people have gone through this here, so I'm trying to rely on their personal situations with this problem.
Wishing or being envious of others life isn't going to change anything I understand, but I'm more so ever struggling with changing myself into becoming happier and trying to get more out of life than sorrow and failed friendships. Something is holding me back, it's that realistic thinking my mind tells me to worry about, and I can't ever shut it off as it seems.
Posted on: October 08, 2007, 11:06:29 PM
Quote from: carol_w on October 08, 2007, 09:06:46 PM
You're searching for yourself - that's the normal part of being TS. We ALL go through this, because from a very early age, we sense that we're different from everyone else. That leads to insecurities and a lack of self-acceptance.
My therapist told me that I have to find "me", and increasingly Carol is that me, instead of <boy name>. Likewise, it will probably be true for you as well. Early on, you'll doubt yourself - this is totally normal, too. But trust all of us who have been there, you have to keep up the search. You will eventually find out who you are, and it will probably be a person in the other gender from which you were born.
That doubt is pretty strong right now yes, but hopefully with time it can be overcome. I'm just afraid that I won't be or live a life close to anything how I want to live. I have these really acceptable standards for myself, but I'm just scared to
DEATH to take the plunge and expose myself to people. I sit here like about to cry just thinking about it, I want to be who I am and I think I can really enjoy life if I do that, but I'm scared to let everyone else see me for my true self. I've been bound so tight by all these rules that people tell me, and I can't break free of all the social norms of how I'm suppost to act.
It's like I have this self that really wants a chance of life, yet I'm trapped behind bars and can't ever be free'd. Argh analogies aren't my thing, but hopefully you get the idea. Then to top it off, the self doubt comes in to factor in there, causing even more problems.
QuoteThat doubt is pretty strong right now yes, but hopefully with time it can be overcome. I'm just afraid that I won't be or live a life close to anything how I want to live. I have these really acceptable standards for myself, but I'm just scared to DEATH to take the plunge and expose myself to people. I sit here like about to cry just thinking about it, I want to be who I am and I think I can really enjoy life if I do that, but I'm scared to let everyone else see me for my true self. I've been bound so tight by all these rules that people tell me, and I can't break free of all the social norms of how I'm suppost to act.
It's like I have this self that really wants a chance of life, yet I'm trapped behind bars and can't ever be free'd. Argh analogies aren't my thing, but hopefully you get the idea. Then to top it off, the self doubt comes in to factor in there, causing even more problems.
I think that we are all scared of "taking the plunge" and expressing ourselves to others. It's natural for us to want to avoid disapproval and when we call attention to a change as basic as gender, we risk lots of disapproval.
I have found that if I change my hair cut or color, my address, the car I drive, my job, my career, most people couldn't care less, but change your gender, and maybe your religion, and everyone sits in judgment of you. That's how it works, IMHO.
Pits on that noise!
You will ruminate on taking the plunge and breaking the norms established for a male. Self-doubt is not uncommon. In my case i just got sick of holding back and watching my transition slip away
May I suggest that you find a gender therapist to help you sort yourself and your life out? There are several ways to find one. If you have a physician you trust or can have access to a psychiatrist, they would know. There are also public health clinics that will help you to find your way. If you feel that I can help you find your way to a gender therapist, please write to me privately because I need to know where you live. I will then call my therapist to see if she can help find someone in your area.
Hope this helps.
Wing Walker
Shan ow i know how u feel, i will come back and say more later as ur words are much like my own 7 months ago. Its not an easy ride but there is light at the end of t tunnel.
Quote from: Wing Walker on October 09, 2007, 05:00:41 AM
QuoteThat doubt is pretty strong right now yes, but hopefully with time it can be overcome. I'm just afraid that I won't be or live a life close to anything how I want to live. I have these really acceptable standards for myself, but I'm just scared to DEATH to take the plunge and expose myself to people. I sit here like about to cry just thinking about it, I want to be who I am and I think I can really enjoy life if I do that, but I'm scared to let everyone else see me for my true self. I've been bound so tight by all these rules that people tell me, and I can't break free of all the social norms of how I'm suppost to act.
It's like I have this self that really wants a chance of life, yet I'm trapped behind bars and can't ever be free'd. Argh analogies aren't my thing, but hopefully you get the idea. Then to top it off, the self doubt comes in to factor in there, causing even more problems.
I think that we are all scared of "taking the plunge" and expressing ourselves to others. It's natural for us to want to avoid disapproval and when we call attention to a change as basic as gender, we risk lots of disapproval.
I have found that if I change my hair cut or color, my address, the car I drive, my job, my career, most people couldn't care less, but change your gender, and maybe your religion, and everyone sits in judgment of you. That's how it works, IMHO.
Pits on that noise!
You will ruminate on taking the plunge and breaking the norms established for a male. Self-doubt is not uncommon. In my case i just got sick of holding back and watching my transition slip away
May I suggest that you find a gender therapist to help you sort yourself and your life out? There are several ways to find one. If you have a physician you trust or can have access to a psychiatrist, they would know. There are also public health clinics that will help you to find your way. If you feel that I can help you find your way to a gender therapist, please write to me privately because I need to know where you live. I will then call my therapist to see if she can help find someone in your area.
Hope this helps.
Wing Walker
I have a therapist and doctor and all that good stuff. Actually two therapists as of last week heh. So I'll discuss it with the one I'm seeing today and see what she has to say about this whole matter. Thanks Wing Walker.
Posted on: October 09, 2007, 11:21:36 AM
Quote from: Lucy on October 09, 2007, 07:38:40 AM
Shan ow i know how u feel, i will come back and say more later as ur words are much like my own 7 months ago. Its not an easy ride but there is light at the end of t tunnel.
Thank you Lucy, hopefully I'll hear from you later.
Quote from: shanetastic on October 09, 2007, 11:22:17 AM
author=Lucy link=topic=20396.msg154945#msg154945 date=1191933520]
Shan ow i know how u feel, i will come back and say more later as ur words are much like my own 7 months ago. Its not an easy ride but there is light at the end of t tunnel.
Thank you Lucy, hopefully I'll hear from you later.
[/quote]
I know that so many people are here giving advice we should do this we should do that. This path is yours to choose, if the isforia is that bad then you choose one path if you can live with it choose another. We all seek aprooval of course we do, the question is who do we want aprooval from. Them closesed to us usally, but that doesnt allways happen.
The only person you need to look after is your self, do what ever you need to do to survive.
I found many things helped me, a theropist is a good start, I also keep a journal I right in it most days, about feelings dreams every day occerances. Where ive been and where Im going in life. What I want to happen next week and next month. 1 Years time and 10 years time. I right about the lows the bad times, the mess in my head.
But it is also important to wright about the good times, the things that make you smile or laugh.
Only read what you have wrote one month later or not at all if you can. The thing to remember is when you do hit an alltime low you can go back and see where you have been and the progress made. Even if that is mentally and not phisicly.
I call this mapping, I map my mind and every thing that goes on in it, it helps me to make choices and discissions and stops me from rushing into anything.
It helps to talk about your feelings to people you can trust, one may be two people. Face to face, friends or relatives. You allways have up aswell, hundreds of people who know what you are going through and who have been there. Please if you ever want to chat send messages back and forth you can send me an IM any time.
I might not be the most experienced person here but I do know how it feels.
Please look after your self,
your friend LUCY :icon_bunch:
i do journal entries and have been for like a year and a half. Met with my therapist today and we discussed some ideas and how to accept myself, so in all everything went pretty well. We're both struggling to find a competent doctor still though, but I think I'm just going to have to accept the fact of driving 4 hours away to see one.
Quote from: shanetastic on October 08, 2007, 05:13:53 PM
It just takes a big toll on myself after seeing how many normal average people are just enjoying themselves. I have this feeling that I for some reason will never emerge fully into society and will always be an outcast.
I just don't know how to overcome myself and learn how to be happy.
Almost no one is normal. Quite a few people are average but I'm not even sure what normal is or what
it looks like. A lot of people act "normal". There is a rough set of rules and most people know what they
are. A lot of "normal" people have secret quirks and hangups and they often agonize over their percieved
problems as much as you do yours.
Almost all TG people go through an intense phase of feeling this way--I did--but it gets better. You
learn new rules and roles and become more comfortable as time goes by. It takes a long time. I don't
know of any easy way past that. Some people say just do it, have confidence and all that, but it's not
that easy for most of us.
You don't know how now, but you will learn.
Stormy