Triggers that cause you to question transition?
One trigger that causes me to question transitioning, is watching action movies; especially when the main male character is by far the most capable, such as James Bond and recent Liam Neeson films. Since I'm not transitioning yet and always present as male, my primary vicarious experience in movies is through the main male character; therefore, when the main male character uses his strength to resolve conflicts, I often feel bad for wanting to be less muscular.
Another trigger that causes me to question transitioning, is hearing my voice. Since I sound like Orson Welles, whenever I hear my voice I think about all of my male attributes and doubt it is possible for me to eventually pass. I then worry that not being able to pass could create larger difficulties than those solved.
Even with my uncertainties, I know I should keep my resolution that after I take care of those I love, transition should be my next goal, because I know that if I relinquish that resolution, I may return to the suicidal state I was in 6 months ago. The reason I am writing this is because with therapy, I've learned the value of expressing your emotions, so I just wanted to express some of my thoughts and see if you would like to share some of the triggers that cause you to question transition?
Autumn, that why we need Gender therapy to diagnosis and clear our mind. Since those uncertainty need to clear up and move on. Otherwise we will going around and confuse of who we are.
Luanne
I questioned every step I take, it is normal.
Today I got my finger prints taken as part of the name change process. While driving there I thought how will I answer as to the reason why I am getting the prints done. I was apprehensive. I could imagine the police officer saying a snide remark. I was stressing a bit and asking myself are you sure you want to do this?
I filled out the finger print card and put the reason on the card. When being finger printed the officer asked why I was having the prints done. I said for a name change. He said wow now they make you get prints done. That was it. Everyone there was professional and when leaving the station I thought that was easy.
I make up a lot of worse case interactions in my head. The reality is most people do not care. Oh, unless I have ffs, VFS and hair transplant I will not pass. I could get a hair piece and train my voice with a professional. I have options to pass better.
The only thing that has ever caused me to question it despite knowing I wouldn't change a thing and would still transition . I'm concerned about what happens to my work prospects after my current job. Hugs
Mariah
Well I have a couple of triggers but one is my child.
I also have the masculine question why would I settle for being less masculine.
The only thing that has ever made me question my transition was the passing issues I had in the beginning, because the whole reason for my transition is for the world to see me as I see me, which is female, and if I didn't achieve that goal, then the whole purpose of transitioning would have been meaningless, and it would have been better to just be a part-timer and to just dress femininely at home or at trans support meetings and get togethers.
Quote from: autumn08 on February 08, 2016, 08:06:41 AM
One trigger that causes me to question transitioning, is watching action movies; especially when the main male character is by far the most capable, such as James Bond and recent Liam Neeson films. Since I'm not transitioning yet and always present as male, my primary vicarious experience in movies is through the main male character; therefore, when the main male character uses his strength to resolve conflicts, I often feel bad for wanting to be less muscular.
I have similar issues. It may be that you just identify with the hero and not necessarily with just male heroes. I know there aren't many good movies with female heroines but that's something to think about. While I'm not hugely fast I can hold my own as a runner, and the athlete part of me does sort of recoil at the idea of intentionally making myself weaker. I feel like that's just something I need to deal with, though I take some solace in the fact that it doesn't bother me nearly as much as I feel it should.
in the words of jesus . . .
"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you."
― Gospel of Thomas
My trigger would be financial instability since I'm the nearly sole source of income in my house. It terrifies me to think I may not have a job after this. I also never got a degree, so I can't prove that I know what I'm doing without being able to prove my work history.
Quote from: autumn08 on February 08, 2016, 08:06:41 AM
Triggers that cause you to question transition?
One trigger that causes me to question transitioning, is watching action movies; especially when the main male character is by far the most capable, such as James Bond and recent Liam Neeson films. Since I'm not transitioning yet and always present as male, my primary vicarious experience in movies is through the main male character; therefore, when the main male character uses his strength to resolve conflicts, I often feel bad for wanting to be less muscular.
Another trigger that causes me to question transitioning, is hearing my voice. Since I sound like Orson Welles, whenever I hear my voice I think about all of my male attributes and doubt it is possible for me to eventually pass. I then worry that not being able to pass could create larger difficulties than those solved.
Even with my uncertainties, I know I should keep my resolution that after I take care of those I love, transition should be my next goal, because I know that if I relinquish that resolution, I may return to the suicidal state I was in 6 months ago. The reason I am writing this is because with therapy, I've learned the value of expressing your emotions, so I just wanted to express some of my thoughts and see if you would like to share some of the triggers that cause you to question transition?
I've always been the opposite. I can't relate to male characters and depictions of maleness at all. I've always related to female characters. This also holds true of actual people. I hate everything *everything* EVERYTHING about maleness.
I get having issues surrounding your voice. I feel most depressed about my voice, but it doesn't make me question doing this. I also get worries about passing, but I feel that I feel so much more at peace transitioning even if I don't pass perfectly.
The only thing that ever makes me question it is the discrimination, hate, misunderstanding, etc that people are capable of. But this isa contingent fact about the ways some others behave.
Honestly, it's when my narrative diverges from the narrative of another trans woman's. I know we all have varied experiences, and there is no one experience, but I always am a little insecure when there's something in someone else's story that is not in mine. Like that one experience will be the one that trips me up, bars me from transitioning. I'm always able to come around, but it still bugs the heck out of me. I've been working on it by exposing myself to a bunch of different stories, and it's becoming less troublesome.
Quote from: kittenpower on February 08, 2016, 11:09:13 AM
The only thing that has ever made me question my transition was the passing issues I had in the beginning, because the whole reason for my transition is for the world to see me as I see me, which is female, and if I didn't achieve that goal, then the whole purpose of transitioning would have been meaningless, and it would have been better to just be a part-timer and to just dress femininely at home or at trans support meetings and get togethers.
Congratulations for achieving your goal. You pass beautifully! :)
Quote from: luanneph on February 08, 2016, 09:52:31 AM
Autumn, that why we need Gender therapy to diagnosis and clear our mind. Since those uncertainty need to clear up and move on. Otherwise we will going around and confuse of who we are.
Luanne
Thank you for responding Luanne. I've been seeing a gender therapist for 6 months now, and as a result, I've discarded my internalized transphobia. I still have some uncertainties though, like the ones I mentioned, but I'm working on them.
Quote from: Jane Emily on February 08, 2016, 03:49:49 PM
in the words of jesus . . .
"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you."
― Gospel of Thomas
Thank you for the quote, Jane. It's very wise.
Quote from: AnamethatstartswithE on February 08, 2016, 11:17:28 AM
I have similar issues. It may be that you just identify with the hero and not necessarily with just male heroes. I know there aren't many good movies with female heroines but that's something to think about.
I agree with the point you made, Ana, but even in movies with a strong female hero, I still feel more akin to the male characters. Even though I know my gender is female, because I would have a more difficult time remembering my cell phone number, than deciding which sex I rather be, I still more relate to males, because I've always tried to be a man.
In some cases, such as greencoloredpencil's, I think you can be so far on the female side of the gender spectrum, that you can't deny your gender dysphoria, but while it always made me happy to viewed as female, I don't think of myself as a woman. I think I would need to transition and live as a woman for a while, before I would be able to do that.
Quote from: autumn08 on February 08, 2016, 10:42:41 PM
Congratulations for achieving your goal. You pass beautifully! :)
Thank you :)
Quote from: Tamika Olivia on February 08, 2016, 10:14:49 PM
Honestly, it's when my narrative diverges from the narrative of another trans woman's. I know we all have varied experiences, and there is no one experience, but I always am a little insecure when there's something in someone else's story that is not in mine. Like that one experience will be the one that trips me up, bars me from transitioning. I'm always able to come around, but it still bugs the heck out of me. I've been working on it by exposing myself to a bunch of different stories, and it's becoming less troublesome.
I'm happy to hear you are making progress Tamika. :)
It's strange but... back when I was grudgingly bearing a female marker I felt pretty much like I could do anything.
Now I'm not so sure, and that's a serious horse kick to my personality because for a long while now I've always been confident in my ability to do things, and the things I don't know how to do I'll figure out how to do as well. I suppose it's just trepidation because I expect a significant change in the way I'll be treated. I'll go from not having to prove myself to probably having to - despite always wanting to and always trying to before it's like, whoa okay. So now it's serious. And I don't know how my S.O. is going to change in the way he treats me or regards me, and the same with everyone else. I was sure of my miserable life before, and now that there's change on the horizon, there's also doubt.
Still, it's not like there's winners and losers in transitioning. People transition and they get on with their lives. I'm sure I can too.
Autumn,
I feel like I have a lot. However, in truth they can be narrowed down quite a bit;
The passing issue. I think it is as much about me accepting myself as others reading me as female.
Larger family. When I get together with the whole family, coming out to all seems a daunting and dangerous task.
Nuclear family. I love my wife and while she is trying to stay with me as long as she can, she and I are not positive how far I need to go and how much she is cool with. I am also concerned that in transitioning, it will obviously effect both she and my kids. I would rather not add to all the "stuff" we all have to deal with on a daily basis.
Feeling tentative,
Joanna
Quote from: T.K.G.W. on February 09, 2016, 10:43:04 AM
It's strange but... back when I was grudgingly bearing a female marker I felt pretty much like I could do anything.
Now I'm not so sure, and that's a serious horse kick to my personality because for a long while now I've always been confident in my ability to do things, and the things I don't know how to do I'll figure out how to do as well. I suppose it's just trepidation because I expect a significant change in the way I'll be treated. I'll go from not having to prove myself to probably having to - despite always wanting to and always trying to before it's like, whoa okay. So now it's serious. And I don't know how my S.O. is going to change in the way he treats me or regards me, and the same with everyone else. I was sure of my miserable life before, and now that there's change on the horizon, there's also doubt.
Still, it's not like there's winners and losers in transitioning. People transition and they get on with their lives. I'm sure I can too.
Quote from: Joanna50 on February 09, 2016, 11:46:40 AM
Autumn,
I feel like I have a lot. However, in truth they can be narrowed down quite a bit;
The passing issue. I think it is as much about me accepting myself as others reading me as female.
Larger family. When I get together with the whole family, coming out to all seems a daunting and dangerous task.
Nuclear family. I love my wife and while she is trying to stay with me as long as she can, she and I are not positive how far I need to go and how much she is cool with. I am also concerned that in transitioning, it will obviously effect both she and my kids. I would rather not add to all the "stuff" we all have to deal with on a daily basis.
Feeling tentative,
Joanna
Thank you for sharing your stories. I hope everything resolves well for both you.
My only real trigger is work. It's a big place and I've been there 19 years. I am pretty well known and fairly well respected for what I do. And complicating it is that I deal with people, across the country nearly daily by telephone or video conference with occasional trips for face to face meetings. So any public coming out cannot really be a low key thing.
I don't really have any viable options for leaving and starting fresh somewhere that I'm not known without taking a hugely massive pay cut.
Plus all my major background qualifications are in a male only occupation.
Sapere Aude
Since I have to wear a skirt almost every day, i often feel self conscious and wish i could just be a girl and not ftm. It'd make things much easier and I always feel like I'm making a fuss and a fool of myself, although I'm not even out yet.
How about triggers that cause you to WANT to transition?
Not wanting to is easy for me. I've spent decades dedicating my life to being 'Normal(ish)'. I stuffed, I ignored. I used diversions and distractions to avoid looking at the 800 lb gorilla in the room called me. Not wanting to is easy. After all, who wants to be TG? Not anyone I've ever came across :o
Quote from: JoanneB on February 09, 2016, 11:09:38 PM
How about triggers that cause you to WANT to transition?
That is an easy one.
1. Not wanting to go the rest of my life wondering if I could have done it
2. Feeling like not doing it was going to result in an early demise.
Thank you for responding, everyone!
Quote from: JoanneB on February 09, 2016, 11:09:38 PM
How about triggers that cause you to WANT to transition?
The most salient trigger that causes me to want to transition, is when I'm in a relationship and everything is going well. In those situations, I feel dishonest and trapped, because I can't envision a compelling future with myself presenting as male. If I didn't feel this way in relationships, I could probably live a content life, without transitioning.
My biggest trigger right now is that I'm managing my dysphoria while presenting as mostly masculine. That makes me think that maybe it's all just been a bad dream, and that it would be way easier to not transition (too late, boobs!). I still present as somewhat feminine even on days when I don't feel it, so the only (pro-femme) dysphoria I get is when I'm dressed femme enough that I expect to read myself as female. That can serve as a reminder to bring me back to reality, but usually the thing that does it is a positive experience that affirms my femininity.
Before I transitioned I guess my height and lack of hair up top were the main reasons I used not to transition, don't know if they were triggers though. In a way, those "deterrents" just made me want to try harder once I decided I was going to transition.
I think for me its kinda the same. I feel like that mainly when people (I guess cis people) try to make me feel guilty or sinful for wanting to become my true self in spite of the separation and distance that its creating between me and my family, even more so than ever before.
Quote from: JoanneB on February 09, 2016, 11:09:38 PM
How about triggers that cause you to WANT to transition?
The clock.
Tick tock, tick tock...