I started dating a guy a week ago n he likes me n thinks I'm beautiful but he also dated a transgender wen he lived in Hollywood. I usually don't go wit guys who hav dated a transgender cause I'm afraid to be compared n hav to compete wit them, but his ex had a lot of plastic surgery n wasn't on hrt but had breast implants,hip implants,and butt implants. Last night he told me that my body shape isn't that female but he's happy wit it for now cause he knows hormones will change it. How should I feel bout Wat he said cause right now I feel like I'm competing wit his ex. Im afraid hormones may not change my body shape n I'm afraid I will just disappoint him.
Happy with it for now. So he already has a desire for you to be different.
That sounds like a possible problem.
I'd follow my instincts. If you question it, it is probably for a good reason
Best of luck
Stevie
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I will tell you what I tell my daughters. First red flag you run. Men are always at their best in the beginning and if that's his best I don't want to see his worst. Seriously. You are young and beautiful. Accept this old lady's sage advice and use it for the rest of your life. First red flag you run. You're too good. Don't ever settle.
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If I was in that situation I would feel very uneasy...
A few things for you to remember imo :
-don't ever compare . People are individuals . Its like comparing apples to oranges . Both stand in their own right.
You have your cute sides and sides that are part of you ... maybe you can listen to a partner ... try to support them...
there is not only looks.
By the way this is a reason for poly relationships. Its simply because its possible to love different people. They are different from each other and have their own positive sides.
You might tell him to accept you as a whole package : with all advantages and character traits. He should stop to compare or leave.
Its possible he can see you as individual. Its possible he can not.
Remember there are many possible partners out there.
If you really think about it, deep down in your heart, do you have a feeling he is the right one ?
Don't settle for btn ... better than nothing ... the heart needs to be involved.
*hugs*
Quote from: Angélique LaCava on February 10, 2016, 11:51:55 AM
. . . Last night he told me that my body shape isn't that female but he's happy wit it for now cause he knows hormones will change it. How should I feel bout Wat he said cause right now I feel like I'm competing wit his ex. Im afraid hormones may not change my body shape n I'm afraid I will just disappoint him.
Sounds like a pretty hurtful thing for him to say. There are a lot of men who undermine women emotionally to make them feel inadequate and to create a sense of weakness and dependence in them. I interpret his remark as manipulative. But even if he has no bad motive, he's a graceless and insensitive person.
His ex wasn't on hormones, so it doesn't seem like he has any real world knowledge/experience about the effects of HRT. I started my transition in 1998, and I know a lot of 20 something and older trans women, and it usually takes a few years for significant changes to occur. Breast growth and changes in skin texture and appearance occur within the first month, but female fat deposits take a few years. There is a reason why body contouring, fat transfer, hip/butt implants, BA, and dangerous silicone injections are so popular in our community (yes, cis women also seek out these treatments, but the number is quite low compared to our community). If you really like your new boyfriend and think that there could be a future with him (is he everything you want in a man?), I would not advise you to end the relationship at this point, because the more he gets to know you, and loves you, he may be less concerned about physical appearance, and also, your body will feminize more; it's just not going to happen overnight, and if you don't get the results you are hoping for, you could consult with a board certified plastic surgeon to discuss your options if that is something you want to pursue for yourself (not for him, or anyone else).
I wouldn't rush to plastic surgery so you can become what some man thinks you should be. Every time you accept his opinion as fact you devalue yourself. To say your body doesn't look feminine but don't worry about it is just a subversive comment meant to make you feel bad about yourself so that you somehow now need to change his opinion and gain his approval.
First red flag. Run.
They should chase you, want to change themselves to meet your higher standards.
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"I'm happy with it for now" what the hell, sounds like property value may increase or decrease.
I don't know sounds like everyone is jumping down the guys throat. How much better can you really word I don't mind your appearance because I like you. He could honestly be horrible with words and phrasing. I remember saying some stupid things in the past because I have trouble turning thoughts into words. I would be way more concerned with how he acts and look for something you can say beyond a doubt was meant to be hurtful. I think it's possible he was trying to say something encouraging. If you tear down every little thing a person says/does wrong with good intentions; well I just hope you like cats doing that.
Quote from: Angélique LaCava on February 10, 2016, 11:51:55 AM
Last night he told me that my body shape isn't that female
Wait, wait, hold on... this (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,179354.msg1802303.html#msg1802303) is what dude-man has a problem with?
Wtf???
So is this dude-man just into the freakishly disproportional girls who go cuckoo for cocoa-puffs with implants/injections or what? This doesn't compute... I'd say (along with many many others) you're just fine. F him.
I guess y'all r right cause the other day on our third date he said something n I'm very gullible so I believed Wat he was saying n he knows I'm gullible n he messes wit me bout it but wen I said something he said "ur not only gullible your f-ing retarded" and then started laughing. I was just really excited that I was goin to finally get my first bf.
Quote from: Angélique LaCava on February 10, 2016, 03:35:46 PM
I guess y'all r right cause the other day on our third date he said something n I'm very gullible so I believed Wat he was saying n he knows I'm gullible n he messes wit me bout it but wen I said something he said "ur not only gullible your f-ing retarded" and then started laughing. I was just really excited that I was goin to finally get my first bf.
That sounds not really nice to me.
Often transgender people are sensitive and try to adapt.
I'd say look for a nice person.
A person who treats others well and is sincere and truthful.
And you are a rarity remember that ... and a person who deserves someone who really loves you.
Don't settle for less.
Keep going you will find someone nice ... just be yourself and well I'd say look for people who find sides of you cute ... not retarded ... and would not say so in any case ;)
hugs
"Not really nice"?
Angelique, that guy is an eff-ing a-hole. He is poison. You are a beautiful girl and you deserve a lot more than that guy. Briezy is right: run! That was not just a red flag, honey, it was a red-flag, a flare, and an air raid siren.
Drop him like a flaming porcupine.
~Terri
Alas we don't have a sea witch to turn too make our bodies perfect. There is a reason why in the original story, Ariel does commit suicide for a reason even after changing her body to make her man happy. And in the movie, Ariel still losses out right?
" I'm happy with it for now "
Quote from: Angélique LaCava on February 10, 2016, 03:35:46 PM
I guess y'all r right cause the other day on our third date he said something n I'm very gullible so I believed Wat he was saying n he knows I'm gullible n he messes wit me bout it but wen I said something he said "ur not only gullible your f-ing retarded" and then started laughing. I was just really excited that I was goin to finally get my first bf.
He's an abusive jerk; you should never tolerate such treatment!
Quote from: Angélique LaCava on February 10, 2016, 03:35:46 PM
. . . he said "ur not only gullible your f-ing retarded" and then started laughing.
Ouch! Not relationship material. This is not a guy you want as a fixture in your life. A guy who says things like this to a girlfriend (whether cis or trans, makes no difference!) is an abuser.
Yup...... pretty much what everyone else has said: This guy sounds like a complete d-bag. I wouldn't waste my time with him if I were you.
No one "settles" for me and they absolutely do NOT call me retarded.
It's your choice but I'd drop the guy, you're worth more than that.
When you dump him compare him to some of your exs. Don't forget to hit him below the belt.
I think we all agree that this guy is a jerk and a loser.
But that does not mean one has to drop him immediately. Girls can learn a lot of things from jerky men; every lesson does not have to be with your heart's desire.
So, once you can get over the emotion of attraction, and consider yourself in charge of what happens, keep him around as your boy toy. And in the end, let him feel the pain he caused you. How would he feel about you laughing at his sexuality and ability in bed in front of his friends?
Never get mad, just get even.
Today I told him that a guy I use to hook up wit sexual organ was bigger than his n he got really upset like really so I got pay back. I talked to him bout Wat was bothering me n he said he didn't mean it that way that he likes my body the way it is but it dosnt hurt if it improves.
He's bargaining to keep you, but I promise that he's going to get worse, not better. Keep hitting him below the belt until he's out of your life.
your young and beautiful and just staring to fill out, don't sell yourself short.
Quote from: Angélique LaCava on February 10, 2016, 11:45:28 PM
Today I told him that a guy I use to hook up wit sexual organ was bigger than his n he got really upset like really so I got pay back. I talked to him bout Wat was bothering me n he said he didn't mean it that way that he likes my body the way it is but it dosnt hurt if it improves.
That's a backhanded compliment! Tell him to pay for the upgrades or stfu. If he says no then ask why he brought it up. I would so not let that go.
Then the conversation may need to move forward with physical attraction being so important that you two should only be friends. If he whines a bit good. Tell him to call you in a couple days.
When he calls back tell him that you'll go on the date, but it better be romantic and he better cheese it up. And if he insults you again you two are through. Girl you are in demand!
Today I talked to him bout sexual reassignment surgery and he told me he dosnt want me to get it that he wants me to keep my penis. I'm honestly thinking of breaking up wit him for saying that.
Quote from: Angélique LaCava on February 11, 2016, 06:31:19 PM
Today I talked to him bout sexual reassignment surgery and he told me he dosnt want me to get it that he wants me to keep my penis. I'm honestly thinking of breaking up wit him for saying that.
Yeah girl, this is a laundry basket of red flags.
Quote from: Angélique LaCava on February 10, 2016, 11:45:28 PM
Today I told him that a guy I use to hook up wit sexual organ was bigger than his n he got really upset like really so I got pay back. . . .
Maybe there's something I'm missing, but it doesn't seem like a good idea to antagonize him. You've got lots of good reasons to get out of the relationship. But insulting him doesn't serve any good purpose. It just means he will badmouth you to everyone long after you're gone.
Quote from: itsApril on February 11, 2016, 07:07:35 PM
Maybe there's something I'm missing, but it doesn't seem like a good idea to antagonize him. You've got lots of good reasons to get out of the relationship. But insulting him doesn't serve any good purpose. It just means he will badmouth you to everyone long after you're gone.
He is disrespectful and rude from what I can tell. Every ex I've had talked bad afterwards. Who cares.
Unless he's willing to pay for the upgrades... Well, definitely doesn't sound like worthy boyfriend material. Being that rough and telling ya what to do with your body are things that don't say anything good bout him.
By the way, well played on the p**** comparison lol. They always go mad with that looool ;D ;D
Naw girl, run awaaay. You can do so much better. This guy is not worth it, just to have a boyfriend. Trust me, I went through that already. Was so excited to have a boyfriend, and even made the mistake of moving in with him too quickly. I ended it after a year of being depressed, stressed out, and emotionally abused. Don't settle for anyone who is going to make you question your worth or make you feel like you need to be better for him. Don't settle for anyone who is going to put you down and treat you like crap, no matter how much they say 'I was just kidding, can't you take a joke?' It's hard to recognize that kind of abuse when you don't have much experience with men. I didn't until I was in the middle of it...
It can be hard competing against someones ex as I have learned. For my boyfriend I'm the first transgendered person he has dated, but never the less still having to live up to the previous ex. You have to forge your own path with him.
I would won't worry about competing with who she was and what she had with him in their relationship. Let yours stand for it self. Guys will try and compare, but they care about us they will not hold you to who they were. I'm not saying we may not have to fight with the baggage that result from those relationships because often we do. The key is to be yourself and allow your relationship to grow on it's own merits. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: Angélique LaCava on February 11, 2016, 06:31:19 PM
Today I talked to him bout sexual reassignment surgery and he told me he dosnt want me to get it that he wants me to keep my penis. I'm honestly thinking of breaking up wit him for saying that.
This could be dangerous for your own progress.
You should proceed in your transition as you feel it fits you.
They are likely to hold you back for personal reasons.
hugs
"Just started dating"? Also, when he tells you that ANY part of you isn't that Female, it's disrespectful to you. You ARE a Woman, you ARE a Female.
To me, that would have been our last date.
I don't care if Channing Tatum dated me, you disrespect me like THAT in any way, you can talk to the Hand.
Run girl, run! This guy sounds like a total creep. He sounds like a misogynist, and a fetishist who doesn't respect personal boundaries and choices you make about what to do with your body. Stay away from guys like that, he doesn't respect women at all, even if you were cisgender, he would be still cutting you down about your body. Worse yet, he is asking you to remain dysphoric for his own sexual pleasure.