I have been going round and round the last couple of months I tried everything to rescue a marriage that maybe was not meant to be rescued. I keep blaming myself for what went wrong, I keep up asking her why how when what!
The answers that I am getting does not make sense it is not going to make a difference in getting divorced or not, she is not going to stay and I don't want to scare her into staying or force her into staying because then it is not a relationship.
What does not make sense is she is divorcing me but she was supportive. When I told her she first went into depression and cried and hit doors and this continued for about a month. Then I told her I don't want to transition I just want to get help.
It faded to the background and it was not mentioned for a couple of months then it came back with the pressure of my business and all. I went for help I went to a therapist and we where constantly fighting or she was fighting with me because I was depressed I wasn't always initially depressed about being trans. I had a lot of pressure because my business was struggling and she is fighting with me I was over worked because I was working 7 days a week to keep things going. At that stage she did not want to accept my feelings. One morning she woke up and she said she had a change of heart. She accepted that I am trans and it is does not change who I am and she is bisexual. I still remember asking her promise and she promised. I told her are you sure sure she told me she is very very sure.
She told me she wants me to transition because she wants me to be happy. She wants to see me happy! I went to my psychologist and I told her my wife said I can transition she wants me to transition and be happy. I was like okay she wants it I sort of need it to get this noise out of my head. She then went to visit my therapist and told her a beautiful story of that she is bisexual she is attracted to woman and can see herself being with a woman and that it does not change the person I am inside.
Well I was like wow okay I can't believe this maybe she came around. She was so supportive all was great sex was awesome for some reason. We felt so connected with nothing in between us. That was two months of my life it was wonderful I started hormone treatment in that period. She still told me how she loves how my skin is softening and not so oily. I was scared of even going out in public but she was encouraging me. She helped me with makeup and to cover my beard. We searched for diets to break down muscle. We watched movies and she said she wants to do a wedding ceremony again with both of us in dresses and new photos if I am done transitioning. She send me pictures of lesbean woman and love quotes I saved them all. I climbed in the bed the one night and I started crying and she asked me what is wrong and I told her I fear losing her if I am going to lose her I will stop now. She told me no she is happy she was never happier in her live she wants this for me and for us. She does not want to return to the person I was because that person was awful. We fell asleep in each others arms both of us with tears on our cheeks.
Each day was better after that things where moving we where going through the routines of life fights was minimum. We went to visit my mom the on day and she was still sitting here and sticking up for me telling my mom that no one will tell us what we are doing is wrong we will stand strong she will tell my father and them they must come around. She was sticking with me and sticking up for me at times. A week later we went for the birthday party. All was well I dressed in a skinny jean a normal shirt and one of the gender neutral hoodies she bought me the morning. I could immediately pick up the atmosphere from my father and his wife. I still told her something is funny here. We where all sitting around the fire me and my wife holding each other and I think the people started feeling uncomfortable. They started bashing us because of our childs manners and that she wanted coke and according to them she is not allowed any. It turned out into a fight between me and my dad and his wife. For some reason my wife took their side but my step mother was already pushing her earlier the day because of our relationship and why is she staying with me if I am becoming a woman and starting to make her insecure. Well later that night she told them I am forcing her to be bisexual. Also a load of other things. She told them that she is not supportive of me! She does not support my decision and stuff. She got in bed and told me she is considering divorce. This came as a shock how do you go from what we have to this.
Well after that I drove my car into the wall and ended up in rehab. She pushed me away and I could not touch her I must sleep in another bed and stuff. She went to a therapist and her therapist told her she is attracted to woman but it does not mean she likes them she just want to be them. I was shocked by this and I forced her to be bisexual :-\ I brainwashed her,well I want to be brainwashed not to be trans!
I can't figure out why I am getting divorced really if I was willing to stay a man but trans is still a problem for her. Then I came to a conclusion that she is a closeted bisexual. She is denying that part of her and staying with me brings that part out that she does not like about herself. So to hide it and protect herself from that part and her insecurities she have to get rid of me. She needs a real man that that part does not surface and the desire to be with a woman and be attracted to woman. She still told me how she was attracted to woman all her life and how she suppressed it because her family told her she is going to be a lesbeen. I can still remember how she was looking at woman in the mall and I asked do she like what she sees and she told me she cant wait that I am finished.
So where did I go wrong is it a possibility that I could have brainwashed her or is she bisexual and out of fear got back in the closed denied it all and is now leaving me because her sexuality is making her insecure?
She said I emotionally abused her into being bisexual !!!!!!! :o :(
Wow! You just practically typed up my marriage, which lead to a divorce 1 1/2 years ago! You can't hold yourself accountable for her issues. Don't hurt yourself! You are doing the right thing and don't need permission from her to be you.
On a positive note your avatar picture is cute. You are easy on the eyes and that alone is reason worth living. I know it really hurts, but it does get better.
It certainly sounds like she has parent issues and that they put a lot of pressure on her to do what she did. It's unfortunate that she was not strong enough to walk away from them. You will in time recover from this. She has just locked herself in a box for lifelong unhappiness and regret.
Sapere Aude
Eish, this is a tough one. But it's a very revealing post that gives a lot of clues as to what might've happened with your wife.
It sounds to me like your wife has grown up being exposed to the widespread South African general attitude towards LGBT+ people (which, for our international audience, tends to be about 20 years behind most other Western countries :( )... but more importantly, she's recently had quite a few negative reactions from other people who are very much opposed to homosexuality, often for religious and cultural reasons.
I rather suspect your wife has changed her mind because she realises what it would actually mean for her if you were to come out & transition. She realised that if she comes out as bisexual, and if she openly parades her trans wife around with her, everyone will start judging her negatively - just like they already judge other LGBT+ people, and just like they judged her in the past when she admitted to being attracted to women. I daresay she's seen the way everyone is treating you, and she doesn't want to be associated with that kind of social scorn. She's realised that people will quietly stop inviting her to social events; that once your child gets to school the other mothers will probably gossip about her behind her back. She's afraid that other people are going to start acting negatively towards her and she hates the thought that she'll be 'othered' in that way.
So she got scared.
This is nothing to do with you: the problem goes a long way back, back to when her family bullied her into suppressing her lesbian tendencies. She's being pulled in two different directions (between her love for you & the family you've made together, and her love for her birth family) and it looks like her birth family have been successful in bullying her into submission again. They've been doing it for years and they know all the right buttons to push. :(
It's all very well to be supportive of LGBT+ people in principle, but when it means that you're going to be judged and vilified the same way they are, that can be a step too far for some people.
Here's a thought: is it possible that she fell in love with you, and married you, because she recognised your innate femininity?
Quote from: FTMDiaries on February 12, 2016, 07:05:21 AM
It's all very well to be supportive of LGBT+ people in principle, but when it means that you're going to be judged and vilified the same way they are, that can be a step too far for some people.
FTMDiaries, you've made some valid points in your post, particularly this one.
There is a term used in the industry I work in, which is "Not In My Back Yard", whereby people will agree with the need for something in principle as long as they are not adversely affected as a result. Though things had been on shaky ground for a while, my own marriage failed completely as soon as others found out. My immediate family are supportive of me, though some are only supportive up to a point, and that point is that my trans status remains a closely guarded family secret. Several family members (including my mother) have stated that they don't know how they'd handle the shame and embarrassment if the word got out!
Quote from: FTMDiaries on February 12, 2016, 07:05:21 AM
Here's a thought: is it possible that she fell in love with you, and married you, because she recognised your innate femininity?
I have proof she always told me how she appreciates that I am gentle and caring, that I show my emotions and is emotionally available. She enjoyed that I share house chores which is like of limits if you are a real man in South Africa. Especially the stereotypical afrikaans (boer) man. She appreciates how I look after myself also because in our country men let themselves go from a very young age. Some of them won't even touch moisturiser and wont groom their body hair.
I did not hate being male as long as I was allowed to be a pretty male! That how I compensated for my gd I said if I can't be a woman I would look the best I can as a male. But I always felt disconnected from the masculinity. My own masculinity no matter how hard I tried I never found that sweet spot that most men found. I am trans so it makes sense.
The problem is she was raised as a boy when I saw her the first time I could not make out if it was a boy or a girl she represented very adrogenous. She was rough she did not play with dolls she shot guns. She only started growing her hair out when she was 15.
She also told me how she wanted to be a boy at stages in her life and prayed to God to make her a boy.
She told me how she was constantly bullied at school that she is a boy by the other girls and things. Can it be that she feels she need a man out of fear that she would be less of a woman and people will judge her womanhood?
Quote from: Deborah on February 12, 2016, 04:40:59 AM
It certainly sounds like she has parent issues and that they put a lot of pressure on her to do what she did. It's unfortunate that she was not strong enough to walk away from them. You will in time recover from this. She has just locked herself in a box for lifelong unhappiness and regret.
Sapere Aude
My father also pushed her and wanted her to pick sides those who are with me and against me they tried to form a team to intimidate me out of transitioning. They like created a whole "gang" and would call each other and make plans to intimidate me.
I think she got scared also she started questioning her own self worth because people where starting to bash her why is she staying and not divorcing.
I know I can't take responsibility for her well being now because I have to look after myself and she cut me off completely but I need to know what is really the problem and understand it to find peace with myself and move on because I can't go back. I must heal and find someone who will take me for who I am. I have to pick up the pieces and build a new person in my own vision but I can't do it if I don't know what the past was really about. Was it me that allowed the marriage to fail was it her I know I had my problems I withdrew myself when I became depressed but tried as best I can to be available.
I can't understand the brains washing thing it is impossible and my therapist made a joke about hiring me because she wants a couple of people brainwashed and I also want to be brainwashed myself.
The problem is she can't admit to anything! She was at my therapist 3 times the second two times was to bash me she could not take responsibility in any way for turning around and that this lead to me falling apart. She was just like him him him him.
She would make assumptions and believe them also no matter how my therapist argued with her and tried to give her perspective of the situation she will argue her point of view and perception. So excluding for her underlaying issue that she is bisexual and in denial with it and hiding it. She have emotional abusive issues and she is starting to show severe symptoms of bipolar disorder that runs in her mothers side of the family.
Her mother has got the highest degree of bipolar disorder. Her biggest fear is becoming like her mother and when I warned her honey get yourself checked your behaviour is not normal she told me there is nothing wrong with her.
Then when I was in rehab I spoke to my psychiatrist that is one of the best in our country and she told me she is definitely a candidate for bipolar disorder. My psych tried to talk to her about it when she came in the day for family session and she denied it and sprung an argument with my psych that I am the one with the problem now we are trying to tell us she has got a problem and she is the problem we must go and F ourselves.
My psych wanted to put her into rehab also for two weeks and she refused saying there is nothing wrong with her and we are the ones that is crazy and crap. We are trying to put the blame on her.
When we "tried again" it was because I was nagging her that we fix things. I realised this was a game to her to proof me wrong that it is not going to work and that I would relaps into depression and into wanting to transition. With her pulling out all the stops to "test" me and I have to prove myself. I still had to sleep in the other bed! There was no intimacy no sex nothing. She constantly pushed me to break and I did on occasions and then she would tell me that I am failing and she must walk on eggshells. Like she took some of my female clothes that I put away and started wearing them and this triggered me and I asked her you know I asked you nicely don't take that clothes. If I was down I would be accused of wanting to be a woman although it was more about failing the whole time to please her and prove my worth. She told me two weeks back she was right she won and proved me wrong I could not make the cut.
Currently she looks like she is a manic stage of bipolar. She has a significant elevated mood. Her lack of making rational decisions is worrying she did things she never did like party and drinks. But give her a couple of months then she sinks back into a depression phase.
Where normal people grieve there loss and there marriage loss. Her behaviour is beyond normal some people think it is because she is happy of being rid of me. But some people asked me is she okay her behaviour is abnormal.
I am writing my story here but maybe it will help someone in some way or maybe show them they are not alone. It helps me just to vent and work through my feelings and anger.
It just feels if I am never going to get over her even if I transition and I am busy I am living as a woman and that can't even distract me enough! I am trying to keep busy but I mis her it feels like I am living a horrible dream I did not plan this all my plans is gone plan A of having a family dreams and all with her and sharing these dreams she took away and I didn't have a plan B! I really thought it would never end I thought love can conquer all.
What an illusion I had! Then after what she promised me after supporting me ripping it out of life and leaving me broken. She said she moved on and she has got a life and is living it and we are not even divorced properly yet. How?
I am sitting and my whole world is tore apart I don't know who I am anymore! I don't know who I am without her! I feel abandoned and betrayed. How can someone be there and turn around and do this to me. Why did she support me in transitioning and withdrawn from everything?
I am so sorry this happened to you.
It sounds like she has plenty of problems of her own. I hope the situation gets resolved quickly so that you can move forward before too much damage is done to you.
You do have value, and you don't need her for you to be the bright young woman that you are. Please try to keep that in your perspective. Things seem really dark right now, but they won't always be this way. You just have to endure and protect yourself the best you can. Things WILL get better.
Be well <3
She is either afraid to come out of the closet, or she convinced herself she is bisexual, for the sake of your happiness. I can't be certain which theory is correct, and for the foreseeable future, neither can you.
By all means, please express your thoughts, but once they just move in circles, stop torturing yourself.
Quote from: autumn08 on February 12, 2016, 08:35:53 PM
She is either afraid to come out of the closet, or she convinced herself she is bisexual, for the sake of your happiness. I can't be certain which theory is correct, and for the foreseeable future, neither can you.
By all means, please express your thoughts, but once they just move in circles, stop torturing yourself.
You are right about about moving in circles and sometimes you won't know the real reason why someone in divorcing you. Whatever the reason it is a valid enough reson for her to break it of. She said just me being trans and all the crap that is coming with it is enough for her to break it of. I just feel so betrayed and only now am I beginning to get clear view to assess what my relationship is and was. What was left of my marriage in the end after she pushed me away.
Am I willing to stay a man and risk walking on eggshells with no vent for gd because I must behave super masculine so that she did not feel insecure.
If you came this far and took so much out of the box how do you fit it all back in. She saw me as female she saw pictures she saw the worst of me. She saw my depression and my gd in all its glory.
I also saw parts of her I don't like that I am questioning. Her abuse became so intolerant that she drove me into so big depression that I wanted to die. I felt so worthless I felt I did not deserve to live.
I need to assess these parts and know if I could have lived with it or not. Even if I could live with it the reality is what it is I am getting divorced and it is going to be to happen in the next montg or two.
living as a single person again is a big adjustment. Being single and not married and not seeing yourself as married is a live changing thing. I am trying to distract myself and stay active and focus on myself and what I want but I long for intimicy and that person that is always there to share with. I hope I find that someone I am reaching out to people. I just don't think I am going to be ready for a very long time.
I just fear I will never be ready to let anyone in again. I desire for that connection but I am only setting someone up to get hurt now and I don't want to drag them into the complicated world of transitioning at this stage.
*
Amore':
My heart aches for you and others in your predicament.
Family are people who love and respect one another.
Betrayal is not a quality of a good family. Pushing someone to depression and suicidal ideation is not the behaviour of family support to other members.
Acknowledgement, recovery, and self-respect take years to recover from your negative experience. I started facing my family's abuse at age three when my memory - and the family disintegration - began. It took me to age 23 to come to my senses that my only truest best friend is my self.
It was what would be the final family gathering - an out-of-town trip for Christmas dinner - yet they made me feel totally alone that I could not wait to leave them for the comforts of my home and a work shift on Christmas day such that I gave more cheer to strangers than to my own family.
Life still hurts. Remaining family lie to me and demean me; now I know better than to fall for it.
Yes, Amore', it's not fair that you will be forced to endure as you make your way to self-assurance. Be strong and decisive. It is your time to go find your way.
*
I took a step this morning and I am not going to look back. I think that was my line even if she wants me back. I am trying to move forward slowly taking baby steps. I send her a letter this morning saying that I wish her well and that I want her to be happy. I love her with all my heart and fear I will never be able to give my heart to someone else. I signed my divorce papers out of pure love because I knew that would make her happy. I want to go to bed at night and know that she is happy. I want to let her know what love is and feel love in the way that I felt for her. I want her to love her next husband as I loved her. I want her to find her soulmate. I hope she he takes good care of her and my daughter.
She deserves love like any human and the best. I wil rather se her happy in someone else's arms than miserable with me.I want her to find the excitement of being in love and loving once more. I want her to have a second chance at making her dreams and story true of having two kids with her husband. Having a happy home and growing old with this person.
I just want to see the person I love most happy again.
As I was writing all this I am crying I cried when I wrote her letter. I hope she reads it.
She broke of all communication with me from last week. She wants nothing to do with me except if there is something with my child other than that she wants to erase me out of her life.
Wow! I'm impressed by how you've grown.