Something curious happened today.
I'm only out to immediate family and close friends at the moment.
I've been on HRT for about 2 months. My hair is in that messy stage, my skin has softened surprisingly quickly, and the only facial hair left is a small (but thick and persistent) section on my chin. My appearance has changed quite drastically, but it's only those who know that have been perceptive enough to notice - until today.
Today I was with a mixed group of about 10 people, comprising close friends, distant friends, and strangers. Suddenly, a woman who is in the outer edge of my group of friends turned to me and said "Can I ask... what happened to all your facial stubble?" Everyone turned and looked.
Without hesitation I responded "I removed it." The alarm bells were ringing that this was dangerous territory. I hoped she wouldn't ask any follow-up questions. It wasn't so much that I wanted to avoid the discussion at all costs. It was more that I didn't want to have the discussion in a public setting in front of a bunch of strangers and people I only half-trust. It's also that there are other people I'm much closer to who ought to find out first, and from me, before these people have an opportunity to circulate rumours.
The one 'aware' person in the group suddenly became very pre-occupied with discussing the drinks menu and the conversation moved on.
Nothing bad happened, but this has challenged a few assumptions. Will I be able to adequately deflect the probing questions from observant people going forwards? Or will I be forced to randomly have the disclosure conversation as and when people notice changes? I don't like lying, so I'll guess I should stick with incomplete and ambiguous answers, or otherwise telling people to mind their own business.
I guess I sort of assumed that people would find out when I'm ready to tell them. But it's hard to ignore obvious biological changes.
People will notice and may start asking questions. They have with me. One guy at work keeps asking if I'm doing like Caitlyn Jenner. Don't get defensive and lie. Just tell half truths and come out on your own time.
Sapere Aude
***taps fingers***
Im still waiting for this to happen....
just answer with confidence, not too much, just enough to show you are for real
When my facial hair began fading away in the beginning of my transition, my neighbor, an old woman thought I was sick, suffering from some sort of illness...She never found out the truth, she moved away shortly after.
Quote from: KayXo on February 13, 2016, 10:39:45 AM
When my facial hair began fading away in the beginning of my transition, my neighbor, an old woman thought I was sick, suffering from some sort of illness...She never found out the truth, she moved away shortly after.
Did she bring you cooked dinners?
I'm pretty sure if my neighbours suspected I was sick they would start making plans to distribute my outdoor furniture amongst themselves...
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You'll find that it's generally people who don't see you often that are the ones who notice stuff like that. For people who see you day to day the changes are less obvious.
Before going full time I had a similar experience at a work party, it was summer and I was wearing shorts...one of the women asked me about the lack of hair on my legs which she'd suddenly noticed. We were sitting in a group of others, mostly women... the spotlight was on me now... I grinned and said "full body wax!" That certainly generated a lot of interest from the women and a few blanched looks from the hairy men. I was pretty tipsy and so close to outing myself, but at that stage I was still a few months from going full time so I kept it under wraps
Yes, I had one of those as well. When I transitioned, I had nobody regular around me at work or at home. I was in the process of growing my hair out and electro and I was waiting for a computer run to complete so I was talking with a co worker who dropped by. He ask me if I had american indian in me. I ask why and he said it was because the sparseness of my beard. Well I never had much of a beard and being brownish in color and thin in diameter made it look pretty minimal. In addition, by then I had several months of electro so a thin beard was even thiner.
I told him no and the conversation went on to other topics. It wasn't to long after that they had a massive layoff so he never learned the truth.
I had questions like you are so pale are you ok. My hair has been growing for 3 years and I had a lot of questions about that and I just said I like long hair. My beard never grew fast and on HRT it grows 1/2 as fast. I received a comment yesterday about how I do not have a beard and I said I do but I an in the process of removing it. I had not shaved Thursday and Friday for todays electrolysis so that was with a 2 day growth.
The week I came out some guys and woman said I need to wear a bra which I did after that. They had to have noticed but never said anything.
After reading this thread this morning, I ran into someone I havent seen in over 2 years. Now I thought I saw changes in myself... and he should have been the type to say something, but he didnt. Was a bit depressing... makes me want to get started on real HRT more now...
I started HRT after going full time, but even now those who haven't seen me in awhile comment about my skin and how it looks. It's not something that I notice either because I see my face day to day. You should be able to come out when your ready, but be prepared for other moments like that where some that haven't seen you in awhile to notice things like that. Hugs
Mariah
I was getting questions about why I don't have facial hair. Was a comment the one day than a day or 2 later. I was asked again how come so smooth. All I could say is I shave everyday. They commented that there was no razor burn/marks. I was guessing that there probably was a rumor that led to the questions.
Quote from: Ms Grace on February 13, 2016, 02:58:28 PM
You'll find that it's generally people who don't see you often that are the ones who notice stuff like that. For people who see you day to day the changes are less obvious.
Yes, this is what I'm anticipating. Day to day, tougher to see changes unless the become really obvious. Give it a month or two between seeing someone and change may be more noticeable
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Quote from: Deborah on February 13, 2016, 07:22:38 AM
Don't get defensive and lie. Just tell half truths and come out on your own time.
I think thats really sound advice Deborah, thanks.
Sometimes I think when we are put on the spot and expected to give an explanation, we feel some sort of artificial pressure to be open with people, even if it's not in our best interests.
Hopefully using half truths ("Trying something different") and a bit of reverse questioning ("why do you want to know that?") will put me back in control of the conversation, rather than in the hot seat!
Thanks!
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Quote from: Claire_Sydney on February 13, 2016, 07:14:36 AM
Will I be able to adequately deflect the probing questions from observant people going forwards? Or will I be forced to randomly have the disclosure conversation as and when people notice changes?
It varies based on who you're around at the moment and the situation; there's no default setting for these type of things.
As I said above, one of my friends who I have known a long time at work has asked me multiple times if I am doing a "Caitlyn Jenner". He also said that several people have asked him if he knows what's up with me. I'm not really sure whether he's just joking around or if he is fishing for an answer. The way my friends joke around it could be either.
Anyway, I have never denied it or been defensive as I figure that if I ever do go the rest of the way there all those denials would come back to haunt me. Usually I just smile and say something like, "maybe I will do that" or "why would you ask that".
Lots of people ask about my hair and I just say something like, "I like it this way" or "I'll cut it when it touches my belt" or "I'm protesting the patriarchy" LOL. That last answer usually leaves them momentarily speechless as its a heavily conservative military place where everyone is an alpha.
On the whole though everyone is as friendly as they ever were and if they really are wondering anything it isn't affecting our personal and professional interactions.
And to be totally honest I am inwardly pleased when they do notice and comment as it tells me that things are working and moving along.
Sapere Aude
*
This is great enjoyment reading your experiences. This thread needs everyone's participation.
- My workplace had a wall outside the Director's Office showing that federal agency's organisation chart of our nearly 150 employees at that site - each of us presented with our photograph and applicable work title. There I was in all my 'male' glory - and obvious shadow (1981). Advance two years (1983). My supervisor critically noticed my feminised changes and absent shadow. She called me to her office to inform me that she was beginning separation procedures to fire me ('I know you are a female working here as a male; we can't have that.'). Their confusion was not something that I was eager to assist correcting, though accurate as it was in their ignorance.
- Two years later (1985) and conversation at the home of a co-worker not unlike any during the preceding four years until she stopt in mid-sentence and suddenly asked why I had no facial or arm hair. Sorry, I was defensive and made some lame comment that Terry knew was a lie. I could hardly have told the truth to her, as was my perspective in 1980s Utah. The passage of time made me eager to tell the truth to her.
- Tim and I were 'rasslin' on his bed. Totally innocent; Tim, a homosexual male, perceived me as a heterosexual male. His knee suddenly landed where no male allows such an intrusion. Tim apologised to me, noticed there was no 'male bulge' where he presumed one to be, and oddly asked, 'Are you female?'. Sorry, another defensive reply I hold valid for 1980s Utah; I told some sort of lie that also did not satisfy Tim, but we moved on with our conversation. A few months later I confessed everything to Tim and he cheered, 'I knew it!'.
- Lisa, a former girlfriend and then girl friend, never saw me during my most 'male' of years (1981 - 1982). She saw me in 1978 when I still appeared ambiguous at best, we kept in touch via regular letters, and she next saw me May 1985 when now I am female who presented as 'male' to her that day. She made no comment of my appearance unaware of the changes that developed those intervening years; I never told her. I keep telling myself, 'One of these days' when I travel to her community on business.
Allow me to defend a lie or a deceptive reply - at least from my perspective. Twice I was fired by different employers 30 years separate specifically on their accusation that I am trans. I perceive stealth and secrecy keep myself from attack. I feel that my privacy trumps intrusion into my personal medical circumstance.
*
I got the question if I shaved my legs by my daughter and some women in my old running group. I just told them no, true at that time for at least a few months, and that hair doesn't grow on my legs, also true due to the HRT (it was right after my first DIY episode). That seemed to satisfy everyone's curiosity as there were no more questions asked.
I did receive some compliments from the women that summer about how good my legs looked, LOL.
Sapere Aude
Quote from: Dena on February 13, 2016, 03:10:54 PM
Yes, I had one of those as well. When I transitioned, I had nobody regular around me at work or at home. I was in the process of growing my hair out and electro and I was waiting for a computer run to complete so I was talking with a co worker who dropped by. He ask me if I had american indian in me. I ask why and he said it was because the sparseness of my beard. Well I never had much of a beard and being brownish in color and thin in diameter made it look pretty minimal. In addition, by then I had several months of electro so a thin beard was even thiner.
I told him no and the conversation went on to other topics. It wasn't to long after that they had a massive layoff so he never learned the truth.
Funny you should mention that. I am part American Indian (about 1/8) and whether due to that or because I am a DES son, I've never been able to grow a full beard. There are large areas on my face where nothing will grow, nor has ever.
But if/when I get around to actual hair removal (can't right now due to finances) and I need to cover for it, I'll just tell folks it is a side effect of blood pressure meds. After all, they prescribe Spiro for blood pressure as well.
I'm 1/4 or 1/2 (who knows lol) Native American and according to my laser gal, had the thickest beard she has ever worked on at the start ;(
I found out eventually that people knew something was up with me prior to coming out. The beard for me was a huge giveaway, 24/7 shadow no matter what so when it started going missing and getting spotty, awkardddddddd haha. I got so uncomfortable bout that that started covering with makeup a bit, later found out people noticed that too. It was more comfortable for me tho cuz it looked better imo and I thought I was being pretty slick and doing good at keeping things secret but I was wrong...
A 7/11 employee was the first to say anything to me bout this. He's a hippy and really nice, anyways, he always says "take care man" as I'm leaving. Well, one day he said that then added, "or should I not say that anymore"? Kinda came out to him then. Some time later I asked him how did he figure it out. He said cuz of my "growth". I was like, huh? Pointed at my chest and I totally blushed :embarrassed:; I had like nothing I thought at the time but w/e, maybe had a bit more than I thought.
Anyways, people will notice changes eventually. In my experience, most won't say anything but some will notice for sure. They may not even think about the possibly of being trans but will figure out somethings up.
I didn't really expect my chest to show so much growth in such a short time, 2 months in. Even though I wear loose fitting t-shirts most of the time, my newly forming breasts are pretty noticeable and jiggly. I see random strangers staring at my chest a lot more than ever before. Same thing with my butt... I've already gained 2 inches in circumference. So my behind protrudes more than it used to... though I have always had a big behind, it's just bigger now LOL.
Hi Deborah
I find your situation you share in the comments so fascinating. Have you seen the documentary Lady Valor?
I have heard of Kristen Beck but have never seen that documentary. I checked NETFLIX and it's there so I'll watch it tonight.
I wasn't a SEAL but rather in the Army for 20 years. I ended up doing a lot of things there including being an Infantry Paratrooper and graduating from Ranger School with a leadership award so maybe I might find some things in common. Thank you for the suggestion. :-)
Sapere Aude
I was on low dose HRT for about 4 years and then I started transitioning and I kicked my HRT dose up to a transitioning level. All during that time I had no comments made about any of the changes that had happened except for one time when I was wearing shorts and I had shaved my legs and my ex noticed and pitched a fit.
I always got looks when I wore a baseball cap that hid my hair and people would just see my face. I visited my parents during this time and my mom told me that I looked like a little boy. I wore baggy shirts to work and that pretty much hid the boobs.
No one ever put together what was happening.
My boss later told me that he had noticed the changes to the skin on my face but had thought nothing of it.
I would suggest thinking of questions that might be asked and practicing some answers before those questions get asked. You do not have to disclose anything until you are ready to do so.
I think you would enjoy this documentary.
http://bestreams.net/hwsxycdx005q
Quote from: Jalynn on February 15, 2016, 10:50:16 AM
I think you would enjoy this documentary.
http://bestreams.net/hwsxycdx005q
i just finished watching it. You were right. I did enjoy it very much. Thanks
Sapere Aude