Ironically, my partner (a trans woman who's not transitioning) sometimes acts as annoying as a cis man would...things like not appreciating me or helping enough around the house or with the kids. He has gone out now to watch a rugby game which he acts like it's the most important thing in the world, so I have to clean and look after the kids alone, even though I'm really tired. It's the only time that I want him to act more womanly, haha.
He also told me he's jealous of me for being a cis-woman, being able to be pregnant, breast feed, have periods, have my body, etc. I really feel like he subconsciously resents me for it.
I do understand that that is probably normal and understandable in a way. But also, he obviously has no idea how hard it is to go through pregnancy and child-birth, he would not be able to handle doing all the night feeds for the baby every two hours or wouldn't have enjoyed when my first baby had tongue tie and my nipples were bleeding and painful, he knows I have endometriosis and get incredibly painful periods, and that my body is in pain because I have an autoimmune arthritis and may well be disabled in the future.
So as much as I understand that he wants my body, he really would not want it if he knew the things I have to go through...I guess you could say being trans could be as painful, who knows which is worse, but he's also lucky to not have my body at the same time. :( It'd be a bit like if I said I was jealous of him even though he's trans and wanted to be him...
And yet he resents me so much for it. He says he doesn't, but it's subconscious. He might fly off the handle at me just for being a cis woman at any time. We go through cycles of him being ok or being really bad for a few days or weeks.
Sometimes I feel like he sees sis people as the enemy, which is kinda understandable but do I really deserve that...
I feel so sorry for him for all the things he has to go through, but also upset that it's all about him being trans all the time and my problems are left behind or I just have to get on with life and keep the family doing ok. :(
Hi Sophie, I identify as transgender, I discovered that late in life, and my wife is a cisfemale. We've gotten over the hump. Nearly all of our problems have one root cause: communication. I'm going to attempt to reframe your partner's behavior, and look at how you can address it in a constructive manner. My principal observation is that your relationship problems as you describe them have absolutely nothing to do with gender.
First up, the rugby game. Your partner was socialized as a male, and picked up some bad habits along the way. However, focusing on gender stereotypes is not productive! Their behavior is reprehensible, but I've heard this sort of complaint from cisfemale lesbians too. The real issue is about sharing the work load. Bringing up his gender will make him feel invalidated and judged, and you can expect the conversation to end in tears.
You need to have careful and respectful conversations about this, and your partner needs to meet you halfway. There should be some give and take, and it will go better if that is made explicit and nonjudgmental. Can you make a deal with your partner; he got to go out and have fun today, so now you get a turn to dump the kids on him?
Next up, jealousy and resentment.
One of the hardest things in relationships is emotional feedback. For example, it sounds like your partner is hyperfocused on his dysphoria (which is totally legit) and ciswomen are a big trigger for him. I'm guessing that you're one of the only people that knows? If that's the case, then you're the only person that he can talk about his feelings... and so you're the person that he complains to. The breakdown occurs because you're also the person that he's complaining about.
An example from my life: as I started dressing more feminine, my wife (a tomboy who enjoys being feminine sometimes) complained that she was worried about "measuring up" to my notion of femininity. What I heard was a complaint about me dressing feminine. She was expressing anxiety (totally legit) but when she described the trigger for that anxiety, she landed on one of my triggers.
My counselor introduced me to an interesting notion surrounding conversation: consent. It has taken some time, but my wife and I have reached a point where either of us can withdraw consent at any time. If she lands on a trigger, I can just say "I know that you're talking about your feelings, but you're describing me in a way that is hurting me. Can we not have this conversation?" She respects that kind of request, and she's started to employ the same tactic to protect herself. Sometimes it hurts to be shut down in that way, but it's a good thing, because we each have alternative outlets: our individual counselors, friends, family, etc., so we are still able express our emotions.
Of course, we don't want to mix this issue with the first one. If you are upset because your partner ditched you with the kids and you want to negotiate a fair trade, then they should hear you out. It's important to respect boundaries and it should be possible to withdraw consent from any conversation... but if he's unwilling to negotiate a fair compromise, he should expect there to be consequences for burying his head in the sand.
So, let's say that he flies off the handle because you're a ciswoman. In all likelihood, he's feeling very dysphoric on that day. He's upset, he wants what you have (which you didn't ask for, and which have biological consequences), and he complains about it. You interpret that as a complaint about you, or jealousy, or resentment. The truth is a mix of all of those things, but in all likelihood, your perception of that mix is to be more about you -- this is totally normal, we're programmed to think about ourselves first. I'm going to guess that you have responded to that in kind: you talk about your feelings caused by his words, and he hears a complaint, and perceives that complaint to be principally about his gender. Spiral to tears.
A way to address this is to say that the way that he's talking about his emotions is hurting you, and that you don't want to hear it. It can be useful to set a timer -- "I'm having trouble hearing this, can we come back to it in 20 minutes?" That's a softer approach, and it will give you both some time to cool down.
Ultimately, you need to be able to put your foot down. If he can't respect the withdrawal of consent, then you need to remove yourself from the situation -- in the worst case, that means packing up the kids and spending the night with a friend. He can stop that from happening in one way: agreeing not to talk about what he wants to talk about -- he'll probably spend the night sulking, but you won't have to hear it. If he physically tries to stop you from leaving, or gets emotionally nasty about it, then that's abusive and you need to treat it as such.
That said, it will go better if the first withdrawal of consent is not a surprise. Find a day when you're not upset, and your partner is not upset. Talk about consent and conversations in a generic way. Say that you've noticed this feedback cycle, and that you'd like to use the notion of consent as a tool to break the cycle. Try to describe an example of how him sharing his emotions (emphasize the legitimacy of his emotions) hurts you, and admit to being an imperfect human: you can't just hear that stuff without reading into it. Say that you need to be able to stop conversations in their tracks, and that when you've withdrawn consent, that needs to be respected. Offer him the same opportunity. Expect this to be a difficult conversation... but it will be loads easier than having it when you suddenly need it.
Edit: pronouns.
Jealousy of cis people is a particularly pointless and cancerous attitude that can eat away at many trans people. Having experienced it myself I understand where your spouse is coming from, but it is ultimately a toxic emotion that does you no good.
I posted a link and discussion of this article a while back: Be jealous of everything (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=169648.0) which raises a number of points you do...a lot of people are jealous of a very specific aspect of another person, if they understood every other element of their life they wouldn't be very jealous of that. Essentially you can't cherry pick what you want to be jealous of, it's the whole deal or nothing...and your spouse needs to realise that.
I hesitate to give advice. I've been where your husband is. I didn't like sports though. In fact, I wish my spouse would have been as accepting as you. We couldn't talk about it at all. She didn't want to go there. And that's the thing. Open and honest communication is the only way out of this.
Tell your husband that you feel you are at a tipping point in your relationship and that you need to talk honestly about your feelings. Set down some ground rules. You only want to talk about each other's feelings without rebuttal. Without anger. Without resentment. You both need to understand where the other is coming from.
I don't know what it's like to bear a child. I wish I could have been able to do that. Is that jealousy? No. It's just a wish. I was never jealous. She may have perceived that but I'll never know. In the end it didn't work out. It could not have given the social stigma my religious faith had against me. And for her, the religion trumped personal feelings. We remained good friends after the divorce for two decades. Even after she remarried. She has since drifted away, again due to her religious beliefs. I am saddened by it all. I wish I could talk to your hubby and give him/her a verbal trouncing. You shouldn't be stuck feeling like this.
I'm sorry and hope you find the way forward with your life. Don't live only for your husband. You should share your lives together. If you can't discover that path, then you should consider leaving. But you aren't there yet.
My advice is free and worth every penny. You are rightly troubled. You have grievances. Follow your heart in this.
My best to you.
Cindi
Hi, thanks for the replies.
Firstly, he does actually still go by 'he' pronouns, as he isn't transitioning or out (at least not yet) and so I can't use 'she/her' pronouns at this time, and that's what he says he wants, just since we have to use them in real life and he says he doesn't mind too much...though I know he's a woman and accept that and see him as one.
I feel like (and probably sound like) I'm not accepting at all and just failing at being accepting and tolerant...but I am trying so hard to be supportive of whatever he wants. I want to be supportive but I get so upset myself that I end up needing support too (though usually I am still the more supportive one sometimes...)
We have a great relationship basis, it's just the trans stuff that screws it up...not his fault though, just something that's hard for us all. I love talking about feelings, he doesn't find it easy or like it too much, so I guess I probably pressure him too much to talk and he finds that overwhelming at times. And I wish he would tell me more when he's feeling bad, but he's scared of upsetting me. If we had more communication (from him) and less of me pressuring him and being upset, then we'd be better off...we're trying so hard.
Thanks for the insights and it does help me realise that he's probably not jealous, more just wishes he could have what I have...I can sympathise because if I couldn't have kids, I'd wish I could, etc.
This trans/cis relationship stuff is tough! I know it is surely harder for the trans person, but it can be extremely hard for the partner too...
I hope it will work out but I know there's a good chance it won't. At least we have love and are trying, so we won't ever be able to say we didn't try or regret that.
The only thing I'm scared of is that it is affecting us both mentally so bad, or that it could affect the kids if we stay together, or if we split up...not an easy situation, but as I said, it's neither of our faults, just a crap situation we were both put in.
Mod edit: no swearing thanks
I know I definitely should never say things like "you're acting like a man" cos that's an awful awful and upsetting thing to say...but sometimes I say things I don't mean cos I get upset...I know that's awful... :( I really am trying to improve all the time...I will be a better girlfriend...even if we end up breaking up, I will be supportive.
I do always tell him that I want him to transition if he wants and I will be there for him, but might not be able to continue with the relationship as I wouldn't sexually or romantically be very interested in female bodies or whatever. :( That's not a threat, just honesty...
Quote from: SophieSakura on February 13, 2016, 05:17:52 PM
I do always tell him that I want him to transition if he wants and I will be there for him, but might not be able to continue with the relationship as I wouldn't sexually or romantically be very interested in female bodies or whatever. :( That's not a threat, just honesty...
You should never feel the need to apologize for being honest. If everyone were honest with themselves and others, the world would be a much happier place.
Hey sophie,
I totally understand your point of view. Im mtf and my wife has asked i be more involved with helping with the kids and around the house.
Im in therapy ( as he should be) and its helped me understand some things. Many trans persons have some form of depression. They have lived at odds with their body and identity for so long they internalize that pain until they can embrace they are trans. As such they tend to stay in their own head space, ruminate... In other words, focus on themselves. This has unintended consequences for relationships. Namely, not giving enough of themselves to their SOs. It all becomes about them and their needs. Common for a man, and perhaps moreso for a trans man.
For me, its about actively living and thinking outside my own issues. I have to make myself focus on my loved ones because my depression and gender issues are screaming for my attention 24/7.
Im sure he cares but needs strategies and practice to keep his mind on others.