Hey all! So the subject says it all. I've been regularly (once to twice a week) seeing a psychologist about my gender (mtf) for about 14 months now. She recommends I start seriously considering HRT if I wish to pursue transitioning, and has given me a couple resources. I'm at the point where I need to contact my Healthcare Provider to see if HRT is at all covered.
But before anything financial, I'm trying to quell my own apprehension. I'm nervous. I'm scared -- I'm downright terrified of the future. I don't know what's going to happen. I could care less what happens to my body, but how it affects my family, extended family, and relationship with friends is what is bothering me the most. I have no idea what and how things will change, and I worry that I might not be able to endure the inevitable uncomfortable social transition.
My mother called me her "daughter" last night for the first time, and I was a little bothered about it, actually. I just feel like I haven't "earned" that yet -- I was her son for so long. Maybe in five years, but not yet. Yet I have a few friends that address me as female, and I prefer it.
Sorry for the rambling, disorganized post, but I'm just not sure what to make of this fear. I know a lot of it is jitters about the unknown -- it's a huge step in my life. There's also a palpable amount of excitement, which just seems to make the fear worse. I want nothing more than to begin -- but I'm left wondering if it's the wrong decision if it could change so much.
My therapist (and friends) assure me that the changes on HRT aren't readily apparent, but I'm still dreading any awkwardness between me and my family. Though they all know of my intentions, I have kept my struggles almost entirely private.
Ugh. So those of you who have started HRT, what do you think? Did you have the same apprehension, and did it subside? How did you know it was the right choice?
Thank you everyone,
MadisonMN
It's not uncommon to have significant apprehension, as you say this is a massively monumental decision. And yes it will throw the cat among the pigeons when it all comes out but unfortunately you won't know the real fallout until you know. That said, it is always a case of taking it at a rate that is right for you, the first dose of HRT doesn't change things irrevocably, indeed it can be a slow process... often up to two years. That gives you the time you need to proceed with as much caution or abandon as you choose.
Starting HRT was a important moment for me because I felt I was''t going anywhere in my transition and this put the momentum back into my transition. It is important to remember that physically very little happens in the first couple of months so if you have second thoughts, you can stop. I suspect however that once you start, you will be glad you did.
It's fairly typical to nervous and anxious coming in to the point of taking HRT. The unknown of everything is going on and how this will affect things can be nerve-racking. Just doing was the key for me and how my body responded was evident just from putting on that first patch. Hugs
Mariah
Thanks so much to all of you. I can always count on getting solid responses here. I know eventually I'm going to have to dive in and deal with what comes, I just hope I'm strong enough when it happens -- I'm certainly having some doubts.
You're all the best,
MadisonMN
Don't feel bad. You can look at the bottom of my post and see how close I am. And I'm terrified along with excited. Five days after that I have an orchiectomy scheduled and that's of little concern. Funny ain't it.