How do I explain to people close to me how important my transition is without talking about depression and suicidal thoughts?
I don't want people to be offended by the fact that i didn't talk about how bad i felt sooner. I mentioned once that I was consistently unhappy throughout my time at uni and my mother was really affronted, as if i was making it up because i hadn't told her every day at the time. I think my parents feel like I'm accusing them of not noticing which I'm really not - it's not their fault (or mine) that I'm good at hiding.
I really don't want to have the argument about 'sorry we can't make you happy' etc. But at the same time, i don't think people understand how much i need to change my name and pronouns and how depressed hearing gendered terms for myself makes me. I know that if i talked about my experiences with dysphoria as a teenager + my history with self harm, they might not think that i'm doing this on a whim, but I don't want to talk about that.
I've tried just politely asking, I've tried saying I need to change my name for my work, but it's not enough and I'm still waiting for them. I also have a few people to come out to and I don't think they'll take me seriously, but again I don't want to talk about how bad I actually feel.
I know i should be able to expect people to trust me and believe me at my word, but i also know that's just not going to happen haha
Quote from: Peep on February 22, 2016, 01:03:30 PM
How do I explain to people close to me how important my transition is without talking about depression and suicidal thoughts?
I don't want people to be offended by the fact that i didn't talk about how bad i felt sooner. I mentioned once that I was consistently unhappy throughout my time at uni and my mother was really affronted, as if i was making it up because i hadn't told her every day at the time. I think my parents feel like I'm accusing them of not noticing which I'm really not - it's not their fault (or mine) that I'm good at hiding.
I really don't want to have the argument about 'sorry we can't make you happy' etc. But at the same time, i don't think people understand how much i need to change my name and pronouns and how depressed hearing gendered terms for myself makes me. I know that if i talked about my experiences with dysphoria as a teenager + my history with self harm, they might not think that i'm doing this on a whim, but I don't want to talk about that.
I've tried just politely asking, I've tried saying I need to change my name for my work, but it's not enough and I'm still waiting for them. I also have a few people to come out to and I don't think they'll take me seriously, but again I don't want to talk about how bad I actually feel.
I know i should be able to expect people to trust me and believe me at my word, but i also know that's just not going to happen haha
Uh. I have a silly question but have you changed this stuff legally? I mean your name and pronouns? I plan on doing that and to make matters even better, I will relocate and start over so people who meet me will
only know me as a man named Phoenix. I feel your pain with those gendered terms you speak of.
-Phoenix
Quote from: King Phoenix on February 22, 2016, 04:51:00 PM
Uh. I have a silly question but have you changed this stuff legally? I mean your name and pronouns? I plan on doing that and to make matters even better, I will relocate and start over so people who meet me will only know me as a man named Phoenix. I feel your pain with those gendered terms you speak of.
-Phoenix
I haven't changed anything yet. In scotland you can change your name any time with no documentation as long as you're not defrauding anyone, and getting your name change officially registered is optional, but changing gender marker is harder and to get a gender recognition certificate requires doctor's letters, so i've not done that yet 'cause I'm waiting on a GIC appointment. I've still got a few years left on my passport, and while i could change my name i don't think i can change the gender marker, so paying for a new one just for a new name doesn't seem worth it.
All i really want at the moment is for my family to switch over, but I'm not out to my younger brothers because my parents want to talk to them so they don't get 'traumatised' only they said they wanted to seek advice on how to do this. This was six months ago and they've not even looked for the advice yet. So I'm either going to have to just out and tell the children myself and cause a lot of trouble, or continue to let my parents use my siblings as an excuse to procrastinate.
They say they're worried about the kids being bullied if someone found out, but I don't have a job or any friends or contact with my highschool friends in the area so i don't even know how that would happen. They could even ask that the school is careful about it so no teachers that taught me mention my brothers having a 'sister'. Most people around here don't even know i exist, let along what i was assigned at birth. And my parents aren't religious or conservative or even really that ~normal~ by any standards, so it really just feels like cowardice and laziness at this point to not even acknowledge my gender inside the house. Also when I'm out with my parents, i pass sometimes, until i talk or someone says my name. It's pretty annoying.
I know that it takes people time to adjust to these things but no one seems to be trying. I've been told over and over that they're grieving but either they're willfully pretending that this isn't happening or they've genuinely forgotten. They don't remember when i have doctors appointments, and don't understand why i won't change at the gym, don't believe me when i say i've been challenged in ladies' bathrooms, don't understand why i might be apprehensive about applying to continue my university... it's like if this is such a big thing to cope with why is it never on your mind?
The other thing is that one of my other brothers has depression and is struggling a bit, so if i come out and say that I'm suffering too i'm either sucking attention from him or making everyone feel bad for not noticing, including him. i don't want to put more stress on people but i can't drive, i live in the middle of nowhere and i don't have a job and i'm stuck here all the time and i need it to change here because i don't have anywhere else to go.
Do you think you could go to school? I have no idea how the U.K. works with education, but if its anything like the U.S.A., could you apply for grants and loans? I am going to school through an online program, which is very convenient for me due to having a host of physical illnesses/diseases. I am working on my certificate in administration so I can work soon and work towards independence. I plan to save my money for a car, learn to drive it through driver's ed (cause my dad won't teach me for reasons I cannot fathom), save up money for a down-payment or security deposit towards my own housing, move the hell out my dad's house, go back to school once again on a program called fast-track to earn my B.A. and master's in psychology.
You gotta come up with some future goals. Even when things seem hopeless currently. You need to do some researching. I would ask for maybe some resources or something from some members here. Like FTMax and Laura 7 are very good about this and more. You can't expect life to magically work in your favor. Most of us have to earn the things we want, even if we are entitled to it, such as your human right to be called the name you want and the pronouns you want.
You ain't gonna like what I am about to tell you, but until then, if you have no job and no car, you gonna have to just put up with it, man. But while dealing with this you can go on your computer or phone or whatever you use to communicate with us here at Susan's and search for as many resources as you can in regards to the help you desire for getting what you need/want in life.
I know what you must be experiencing with your parents and stuff. They sound kinda passive about your situation. My dad is similar but I think your parents are at least more attentive to it than mine, especially my dad. He doesn't even mention it at all. Your parents at least talk about when they would feel comfortable about having you come out to your brothers. My dad does not ever talk about this and legitimately treats me as female as he did when I was conceived.
Do you have a gender therapist? If so, I advise to you that maybe you should offer to have them accompany you to your therapist so they can explain and educate them about what it means to be transgender. Its sounds to me, and I could be wrong, that they are indeed in the grieving process of your seemingly new identity. They are trying to understand but are really struggling with it, especially since they themselves are probably not trans. We don't understand what being cis is like so how can you expect them to comprehend your pain?
Its hard, man, but try putting yourself in their shoes for a change just to get a glimpse of what they are struggling with.
-Phoenix