You ever wake up and hate yourself for being like this? I desperately wanted to dress up today but couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm feeling hate for myself and shame. I dream of being able to be comfortable with being "her" especially around loved ones. I dream of being accepted and not worried that I won't be loved anymore because of this.
I get so tired of these feelings; the desire to be femme/female, yet I can't imagine life without it. I so wish to be me, always, and am still so terribly afraid of rejection. I wish it all would end sometimes, life. Yet I keep on. I keep on so that I don't hurt anyone, and am nearly always in constant grief. I put on the smile, act the part, and push myself aside into a nice little compartment within and lock it up. I've dealt with this my whole life and sometimes I've had violent outbursts of anger, and hate myself more for losing control.....I feel empty; drained.
I would like to sleep forever.
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Quote from: KayleeDenson on February 24, 2016, 11:31:03 AM
You ever wake up and hate yourself for being like this?
...
I would like to sleep forever.
I woke up Monday morning feeling like that. I had my writing group on Monday and was going to waive it off. But for the most part, it is the only activity I have with other people all month. I forced myself to clean up, fix my hair and dress nice. I went. I saw. I conquered.
I felt better for doing it.
Cindi
Hi Kaylee,
Yes most days I would love to get up, put on a dress, boots, stockings, makeup etc and go about my day like it was normal. This sadly will never happen and I have learnt to try and bury those feelings by allowing myself time at home to dress up. Over the last couple of months not so as life is frantic for me right now.
I enjoy the feelings of the need and use this to keep the hate part away. My main focus was to like myself as a person then come to grips with who the alter ego is.
Maybe dreaming is not the answer but a plan to move forward. My plan is to expand Sue's wardrobe, learn to master makeup, create a support network of others like me to converse with and try to fit Sue into the world as best I can.
I do hope you can find a way to accept you for who you are.
It's about perception. No amount of explanation is going to convince the haters and they probably were not your friends anyway. If you remain confident you will find the environment around you opening up. Your confidence will help you make cogent decisions. Start small, buy a scarf or anything that pleases you. I've been fighting my demons for 55 years. I finally said, enough and started admitting to my wife, my best friend and my sister. I have also sought out a therapist. Three weeks later I feel so darn good about myself. Hey you have one life, live it for you not others. Good luck and Godspeed in the quest to find yourself.
Not since realizing that my feminine self is the best part of me. I was in denial about being transgender up until about eighteen months ago, and after ten years of having panic attacks and not knowing the reason why, and having my last coping mechanism break down, I finally had to look in the mirror and face myself.
I feel terrible guilt over having spent most of my life forcing the sweet, beautiful girl deep inside me to hide in darkness behind a mask of false masculinity.
But now that my true self has had a chance to taste the sunlight, no, I certainly don't hate myself. Even when I have to put on a suit and tie and go to work in male mode, and the panic attacks hit me like a sledgehammer, no, I don't hate myself. I may be just a girl wearing a mask, but sooner or later I will be able to shed that mask for good.
I faced this for 58 years until finally - another Monday and Cindy was put away in her wardrobe for another week, the whiskey bottle rattled on the floor as I tripped over it. I couldn't see myself in the mirror; I had them covered so I couldn't see him.
I decided to end it. This time would be the train crossing. I grieved for the train driver I was going to hurt.
I had an appointment with my family medic and decided I'd go and kill myself on the way home.
I saw my GP and he looked sadly at me and talked about increasing my anti-depression medications.
The he stopped. 'Why are your ear rings getting larger? You now wear large hoops?'
The tears started - 'I'm transgender and it is killing me'
Ten minutes later I had a referral letter to the gender clinic. His parting words, 'Don't post it, go now and hand deliver it.'
Five months later, Cindy got out of her bed on a Monday morning and admired her budding breasts in the mirror. Put on her skirt and blouse; felt the wind on her legs as she walked to work.
I was finally free.
My GP save a life that day; the train driver.
He created another one: her name is Cindy.
I did it; you can do it.
Quote from: KayleeDenson on February 24, 2016, 11:31:03 AM
You ever wake up and hate yourself for being like this? I desperately wanted to dress up today but couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm feeling hate for myself and shame. I dream of being able to be comfortable with being "her" especially around loved ones. I dream of being accepted and not worried that I won't be loved anymore because of this.
I get so tired of these feelings; the desire to be femme/female, yet I can't imagine life without it. I so wish to be me, always, and am still so terribly afraid of rejection. I wish it all would end sometimes, life. Yet I keep on. I keep on so that I don't hurt anyone, and am nearly always in constant grief. I put on the smile, act the part, and push myself aside into a nice little compartment within and lock it up. I've dealt with this my whole life and sometimes I've had violent outbursts of anger, and hate myself more for losing control.....I feel empty; drained.
I would like to sleep forever.
Sent from my HTC Desire 626s using Tapatalk
Yep, some days with my anxiety and depression it takes all my effort to drag myself from my bed and face the world
I feel very fortunate to have a few friends that have helped me in various ways to help me keep moving forward
I used to hold so much anger at the universe about who I am. I harbored so much guilt about what I did too. I eventually realized that the guilt came from sneaking. The sneaking came from being a kid and not having access to my own feminine things. As an adult I resolved to not sneak anymore, to buy my own things. The guilt has nearly evaporated since then as I buy my own hosiery and clothes so there's no need to sneak and steal things. I regret my past actions but I've forgiven myself; I don't condone it but I understand why it was necessary for my survival.
Letting go of the guilt allowed me to begin to appreciate who I am. I stopped putting up the macho shield and feel good being able to be expressive about how I feel about things. Allowing my feminine side out more often has allowed me to before a whole person. Sharing my dressing with my GF then fiance, and now wife has brought us closer than most couples. Her love of all of me allows me to see what she sees in me. I'm no longer angry and bitter about being different, but rather I embrace it. I love who I am, its been a hell of a journey to get here but I'm here, I'm me, and its great!
I have times when I feel full of guilt and shame and non acceptance about being the person I am. It makes me feel negative and a bit depressed. To get rid of these dark feelings, I reassure myself that these feelings will only be temporary and I will feel good again within a few days. It`s sometimes hard to overcome the mental barriers that try to prevent me from being who I am. I find that being on websites like this and looking at inspiring stories about crossdressers and transgendered people really helps me to build up a more positive mindset
Quote from: Alana74 on March 13, 2016, 01:41:04 AM
I have times when I feel full of guilt and shame and non acceptance about being the person I am. It makes me feel negative and a bit depressed. To get rid of these dark feelings, I reassure myself that these feelings will only be temporary and I will feel good again within a few days. It`s sometimes hard to overcome the mental barriers that try to prevent me from being who I am. I find that being on websites like this and looking at inspiring stories about crossdressers and transgendered people really helps me to build up a more positive mindset
Sharing with others that know what you are going through goes a long way to make how we feel and see the world more legitimate. Not that there's any thing wrong with our difference, but face it we have YEARS and potentially decades of social programming that tells us we are freaks. When you realize how many of this there really are it just feels good to not be the only one.
Quote from: KayleeDenson on February 24, 2016, 11:31:03 AM
You ever wake up and hate yourself for being like this? ...
Yes, quite often. I feel like there are several people in me all vying for time with my body. Work gets me in uniform, and my wife gets the turbo war between the man she married and the girl trying to live.
There are days where I feel I am in a fog of confusion, depression, and anger over why I drew this lot in life.
My wife is still trying to figure out where she wants to fit into this as well.
And then the trans emotional rollercoaster hits. Some days I can't breathe without being dressed. Others, I wonder what the hell I'm doing.
Sometimes I think I'm a capped pressure cooker on the stove with life twisting the burner back and forth, amusing themselves with how long it will take for me to explode.
But that's life :-/
I am all dressed up and no where to go! lol But the night is young and there is hope for this wallflower.