I'm considering divorce and I'm going to talk to my psychologist Friday. And it makes me sad that it has come to this and I'm not sure I'm even making a good decision or a decision I will regret for the rest of my life. But I feel like I have to do something.
So here is my letter which I will read to her to get it right to my wife:
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Dearest K
You deserve honesty, and as your partner and mate I need to do this for better or worse.
You know I have struggled with being transgender and I have tried to tell you and then tried to take back or explain that I was confused. Well I'm not confused, just scared of what you will do.
I have lived my entire life hiding, scared or others, depressed, full of anxiety, anger and more self hatred than anyone should ever have to carry around and I can't do it anymore.
I am transgender.
I am a woman in a male body and I need to transition to resolve these conflicts with in me.
I'm scared because time and again you have said you believe that you could not see yourself with a woman and that you would have to leave, and then you would go into hysterics, which freaks me out.
Yet, for me, I can't live a lie anymore, I have to fix my body to align with my mind. I love you, but this is what I need. Take the time you need to think about this, if you want to be my partner and accept me as a woman partner then I would love that and it would give me more joy than ever to continue to live our lives together. Yet if you can't be with a woman, I accept that to. Our future together or apart is your decision.
If you can't be with me, then we should divorce and we should do it amicably for the sake of our children and more importantly because we love each other and care deeply about each other. While you think about this, I am moving into the spare bedroom. I will do what ever it takes to support you and our children but I have to find myself. I want to become a woman to be complete. If Divorce is what you want, then I think the best way forward is for us to be friends, to take care of our children and each other and I'm willing to split all our assets and do what ever is reasonable to make sure you and our children are well cared for. I care about you, I love you, and I want you to be well taken care of no matter whether we are together or apart.
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What do you think?
I think the letter covers it but something I questions is if your wife has attempt therapy. I don't think therapy will change her mind but I am not sure that she fully understand this. She should have all the facts before she makes a decision like this. She may not be willing to go to therapy and in that case, there is nothing more you can do.
Being forthcoming == divorce?
<sarc>Sounds like what the basis of a good marriage is</sarc>.
Of course, there is risk involved. I knew all too well when I dropped the T-Bomb. But I also had faith our love for eachother will help ride the storm. Long term? Well, as someone who can't predict what I'll want for breakfast.....
Divorce should be a mutual decision, especially in a case such as this. It is not like you are madly in love with some other person, hate her guts, or otherwise wish she was vanquished from the face of the Earth. (OK I assumed a lot, Total disclosure, I am a hopeless romantic)
In other words, just how would you react if tomorrow morning your wife announced "I want a Divorce".
You never know what can be, if you don't work all the angles
I think it's fine up until the paragraph that starts with "yet, for me". This puts it all on her an tells her so. It tells her you want a divorce but want her to feel guilty for making the final decision. Maybe you could just tell her the way it is for you and just let her make the next move. You could make it clear that you have decided to meet your need to be physically a woman but I wouldn't even hint at what that means. It just means you're a woman. If she can't live with that, she can tell you so. She may even say that's the case and then change her mind, slowly. She's obviously freaked out about this. If you're going to tell her how you want to split the assets and handle the kids, you might as well start the letter with "I want a divorce". Even then, the details of the divorce are unnecessary.
I would also leave out the line about going into hysterics (but not the part about you being scared, that's very important).
Just my thoughts.
Hugs,
DeeDee
I agree with stating your decisions and what you have to do but don't suggest anything to her as far as how she should proceed if she disagrees. Let her make those decisions with out prompting from you. I have a friend who was a member here at Susan's years ago as she transitioned. All along, her wife kept saying if you go through with this I will have no choice but to leave. The wife was ready to go because my friend was ready and had her surgery date set. My friend's therapist asked for an appointment with the wife and two hours later she was staying. She even went to Montreal with her for her surgery and, being a nurse, cared for her back at home. I believe it's been 13 years and they are still together. So there is no telling what is going to happen.
Hello Megan,
It sounds like you trying real hard to do everything right. Taking these risks are the only way to go or suffer the million small cuts that bleed you dry! Your wife has bit the societal hook of gender roles that in reality never did exist. Based on society rules even in an so called acceptable gendered relationship people divorce over fifty percent of the time. It is possible these relationships in reality were already doomed by their own poison pill. I think the best thing is to forgive yourself and your wife in addition staying true to yourself.
Much Love❤️❤️❤️❤️,
Michelle :)
First, great pro activity and a loving letter. As others have sort of said, i would not spoon feed her the solution of divorce. Simply state your needs, your love and the fact that you will give her some space if needed to think about it all.
Voicing the D word in marriages is never a very good idea, it's like rolling out a nuclear missile in the beginning of an international disagreement. (Sorry North Korea, it just is). Everyone knows its an option.
"There is never a good time" is so true. There are only times far worse then others, to outright fatal.
Taking it slow and when you are ready to is great advice. In the mean time you are working on fixing you. Making yourself stronger and healthier. Hopefully in better condition to handle whatever come along
Quote from: mickey.megan on March 05, 2016, 05:15:02 PM
I'm not ready, I want to be ready, I wake up with music in my head, or voices, or memories, my counselor says my conscience is trying to tell me something important.
TBH - I wasn't ready either. I just knew I was rapidly approaching the point of being Too Late to Tell. Sometimes you just have to trust your higher power and the intrinsic strength of the bonds between your partner and yourself.
Not easy. But....