A lot of my problem I believe is that I don't accept myself whatever I am or could be. Problem is that even though I have a lot of evidence to say that I am fully a transwoman, a part of me keeps on bothering that maybe I am not.
The first thing that bothers me is that maybe I'm just a crossdresser that went way too far, and that if you are a crossdresser then you are still in the male gender and then if you are in the male gender, you are violating the rules of being a male, and thus will not be treated nicely by society, and women may think that you are some creep, or guys think you are effeminate and to be stayed away from (these are my impressions, I'm not saying crossdressers are so, but its what I've felt due to the homophobia and misandry that I've seen in society over time.) As much as I don't believe this in the long run, I feel like I must accept the possibility that I may not be female or fully female, and that that is ok. I can find that hard to accept at times, because I don't wear the clothes simply for the sake of the clothes, but to see myself as a woman. At times I can say that I do feel fully female or "hell not male", but if I don't accept that I may not be female, my mind bothers me (I have OCD so that may be a part of it.) How can I accept that it is ok for me to look and act like a woman even if I'm not feeling female or may not be female?
The second thing that bothers me is that if I do accept myself as female or that my feminine desires are legitimate, that it is appropriate. A part of me cringes at the idea of "serving men", and having men around me (especially if I'm not in tune with the part of me that actually is attracted to guys), as I feel like since most of the time I am around cisgendered straight society, that part of being a woman is being a straight woman, I feel alienated. I'd feel better being around lesbian women, but the lesbian woman world is so much smaller than the straight female world. In addition, often I am exposed to information that makes it look like women have an inferior position or a harder life than men, and that makes the part of me that feels like I must get the best deal in life cringe. How do I accept that it is ok to be a woman, it is ok to desire to be a woman, and that It is ok to be a lesbian woman?
I guess as much as I want to be a woman, I also wanted to be someone prominent in society and did feel like being a cisgender male was a clear advantage, but my trans issues couldn't be held at bay. Accepting that I may not be cis nor male, in terms of ability to make the necessary connections to become successful and prominent in society, has been hard for me. Add to that the possibility that I am not in a clearcut gender is also hard for me (because I feel I may become marginalized in society.) How do I accept not having the access or privilege that many other people have in society, both being transgender, and the possibility of not being in a clearcut gender (like genderqueer)?
And lastly, how do I accept that some people may think that I am crazy, especially if I don't present in fully one gender? Again, not saying that I am, but I'm trying to keep these fears from bothering me.
1) Do you ever desire a male body? If yes, then you may be gender fluid. If no, then you are firmly on the female side of gender spectrum.
2) Don't worry if you are female enough to be considered transgender (by whose authority!), but rather contemplate if transition is worth the cost.
3) What is wrong about wanting to be the opposite sex?
1) Well, its complicated. My feelings of my birth genitals range from indifference to hating them, my breasts range from ok to wishing they be at least a woman's B cup (they are already relatively big for a male body), my face ranges from liking it as male to really wishing it look female and loving thinking of my face looking female, my body in general ranges from ok to feeling alien, although my body is already relatively androgynous.
Most of the time I do desire a woman's body including a vagina (both of which are the most consistent of my desires.) I only get turned on thinking about sex if done vaginally.
You just kind of accept it... Well I do anyway.... At first I thought I just liked to wear thigh highs and high heels... Then I admitted that to my wife, and she was okay with it... After a while, I was like hell, this would look better with a skirt.... Now, I find that some days I want to e female, breasts, makeup, cute clothes.... And others I want to be who I have been my whole life.... So basically, I decided to like myself for who I am, to hell with arbitrary societal rules that change every 2-500 years, and call myself gender-fluid.... And sometimes i identify more as transgender.... On those days I go all out... Although I have only had the.... We'll.... Balls.... To go fully fem a few times....
I honestly hate .self and was ashamed for 33 years.... It was my wife that helped me to realize that these feelings don't make me a freak, or a bad person.... I just am who I am... But in this case.... That's NOT all that I am.....
I hope this helps... And I truly hope you feel better after hearing from everybody!!!
No offense but do you really think the answers to your self acceptance and understanding will be on this forum? You need to wise up and toughen up a little bit.
You hold all the answers and understanding, nobody else. Search in YOU.
Remember the internet is just the internet.
Quote from: Katelyn on February 26, 2016, 08:27:16 PM
How can I accept that it is ok for me to look and act like a woman even if I'm not feeling female or may not be female?
...
How do I accept that it is ok to be a woman, it is ok to desire to be a woman, and that It is ok to be a lesbian woman?
Really, who decides what is OK and what is not OK?
It's OK for you to look an act however feels right to you. There may be consequences for how people see you, but those vary with each person. There is no "supreme court of social judgment" who will decide that it's not OK for you to be a woman.
What did it for me was actually going part time as a woman and seeing how it felt to be accepted as Suzi. It became clear pretty quickly that was what I really needed.
Quote from: Katelyn on February 26, 2016, 08:27:16 PMHow do I accept not having the access or privilege that many other people have in society, both being transgender, and the possibility of not being in a clearcut gender (like genderqueer)?
This is a hard one. I'm still not quite there yet.
Privilege is relative. Unless you're Donald Trump or George W. Bush or the Prince of Wales, someone will have more privilege than you and someone will have less. That's part of what it means to be human. Accepting our social limitations and blosssoming in spite of them is part of the human journey, right?
Quote from: Katelyn on February 26, 2016, 08:27:16 PMAnd lastly, how do I accept that some people may think that I am crazy, especially if I don't present in fully one gender?
This one I wasn't able to accept. That's why I've opted to live as a binary woman. People who live with a genderqueer presentation in today's world seem to need a very thick skin. Personally, I don't know how they do it, but social acceptance is more important for me than for many others.
You're ambivalent, but if forced to decide it seems you would choose to be female. This doesn't mean you should immediately transition, or establish the degree you should transition, but more fully understanding what makes you happy, will help you navigate a better life.
Going back to your original question, "how do I accept myself," what seems to be perplexing you is which subcategory of the transgender umbrella you belong to, and your preconception that some subcategories do not warrant transition. I don't know of any basis for this preconception. For instance, let's say you are a 4 on COGIATI scale, this does not definitively mean your gender/body misalignment is making you less miserable than a 5's, and even if most 5s are more miserable than you, this does not mean you have any less right to pursue what makes you happy.
Decide what you want, realize there is nothing wrong with you want, and then perform a cost/benefit analysis in order to plan your life, and make the best of it.
Quote from: Katelyn on February 26, 2016, 08:27:16 PM
The second thing that bothers me is that if I do accept myself as female or that my feminine desires are legitimate, that it is appropriate. A part of me cringes at the idea of "serving men"...
My wife never had any feelings of needing to serve men :o And especially don't tell her that is her position as a woman... Unless you have a death wish
But then, she also said "Who in their right mind
Want's to be a 50 y/o woman?"
I used to ask all those questions of myself. Still try to lawyer my out of being trans. After all, Nobody
Wants to be TG. Especially me. Especially at this stage in my life. As much as I hope, wish and pray that I am not TG with almost as much intensity as I hoped wished and prayed to wake up as a girl as a youngster, the plain truth is I am, and I am on both counts.
I've had quite a few WTF am I doing meltdowns early on. On the verge of some still seven years later. I guess still because I have not fully transitioned. Too many risks verses the other needs in my life today. The one undeniable truth that always brings me back is seeing "The sad old man in the mirror" vs the joyfilled woman. Many days I tell myself "I got this beat finally" that I can stop the HRT, stop presenting as female when and where I can. It is not easy for my wife to deal with plus just adds to her sense of futility about a future. I have her to care for, a challenging fun job, no time for myself as it is. How can I justify a desire for clothes shopping when it's just a waste of money?
The simple answer: "I know what does not work"
I spent 40 plus years trying those rationales, and more. Seven years ago I tried a different route. A better route. One that brought joy to my life. One that actually got me to like me! To accept the totality of me. Not just the "bad" parts, the blaming myself, the beating up on myself for being...., but to accept all the good, cool, and amazing things I have accomplished.
How? We each need to bushwhack our way through the underbrush till we find our path. For me it was to work on finding a way to get these two great aspects of myself to live in peace. To get there to took shedding a ton of baggage to see and accept the true me. Add in a few gallons of tears and a wet angry Teddy Bear
Please keep in mind that I have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), including a form of it that basically acts like a bully that controls and warps one's feelings and perceptions, making it confusing to know what is real and what is not.
QuoteIn the 19th century, OCD was known as the "doubting disease." OCD can make a sufferer doubt even the most basic things about themselves, others, or the world they live in. I have seen patients doubt their sexuality, their sanity, their perceptions, whether or not they are responsible for the safety
of total strangers, the likelihood that that they will become murderers, etc. I have even seen patients have doubts about whether they were actually alive or not. Doubt is one of OCD's more maddening qualities. It can override even the keenest intelligence. It is a doubt that cannot be quenched. It is doubt raised to the highest power. It is what causes sufferers to check things hundreds of times, or to ask endless questions of themselves or others. Even when an answer is found, it may only stick for several minutes, only to slip away as if it was never there. Only when sufferers recognize the futility of trying to resolve this doubt, can they begin to make progress.
- http://www.ocdottawa.com/documents/Ten-Things-You-Need-To-Know.pdf
My intention with this post is to be able to accept certain, slightly unorthodox possibilities and outcomes in order to remove the OCD's power in bothering me and confusing me.
Stop worrying about labels for now. Unless you need to explain to someone who you are, you don't need them and it would be very difficult to explain who you are with this level of confusion over it yourself. Just be you whether that entails presenting as a woman, a man, both, neither, going back and forth. It's hard to clear up confusion when the only facts you have are speculation. Test the water so you have more information.
For myself I went cold turkey. No forums, no discussion, no reading about trans topics. In 30 days I was angry at the world and looking back I was depressed. At 45 days I was arguing with everything. That's how my dysphoria manifests, sadness and anger. I broke my silence and talked for hours with my wife about how I felt. In 6 hours I knew I was going to transition not because I wanted to but because I had to. Since then I've actually become excited about the transition journey. 18 days until my appt with a GP to start the HRT process.
This is my experience and maybe you can relate or extrapolate and figure it out for yourself.
I totally agree that getting more life experience will help you with your doubts. Who can plan out a lifetime on a theoretical basis? Experience will give you information from which you can decide what is right for you.
The OCD is a rear pain to put it mildly. My partner has it. A friend has it very bad. She will sometimes call us to ask if something is a fear that is justifiable or OCD. Therapy could help with this maybe. I feel empathy for anyone dealing with compulsive thoughts. I don't have OCD myself but have something similar. I have compulsive body movement (Tourette's syndrome). This can drive be insane at times and is hard on the self image.
As for you maybe being trans, I started asking myself a question. If I had three magic buttons to push, # one, I could be a content, "normal" male, #two, I could be MtoF transgender, or # three, be cisfemale, what would I pick. Picking 3 was 100% . Of course for me, that was impossible. So, would I ever pick #1, no, never ever. I had my answer. No matter what horrible consequences I could dream up while transitioning, I still didn't want to be a guy. Maybe you are not as binary as I am. My advice would be not to bury your head and think it will go away. On the other hand, I wouldn't panic either. Take positive steps and find your answer in your own time. Good luck!
Moni
Quote from: Katelyn on February 27, 2016, 12:19:25 PM
Please keep in mind that I have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), including a form of it that basically acts like a bully that controls and warps one's feelings and perceptions, making it confusing to know what is real and what is not.
- http://www.ocdottawa.com/documents/Ten-Things-You-Need-To-Know.pdf
My intention with this post is to be able to accept certain, slightly unorthodox possibilities and outcomes in order to remove the OCD's power in bothering me and confusing me.
OCD is normally treated with antidepressants. If you were diagnosed with OCD, you were prescribed antidepressants, and evidently they did not cure your gender dysphoria. Also, I don't know of any study that shows a correlation between OCD and gender dysphoria.
I normally don't write specifics about myself, but maybe doing so will help in this situation. My mom suffers from OCD. During my teenage years I could not convince her to take medication, because she was obstinate about not losing her edge, and as result she normally stayed awake 24 to 48 hours doing everything, except what she wanted to do.
Since individuals who have a parent with OCD have a considerably higher risk of developing the disorder, I thought OCD was causing my perfectionism and my gender dysphoria. As a result of this idea and other factors, in an effort to thwart gender dysphoria, I tried antidepressants and practiced spartan self control and asceticism, until my mid 20s.
6 months ago, the pain of self-abnegation became too great, so I began seeing a gender therapist. It was difficult to accept the need to treat myself more gently, but I'm fairly free of prejudice, so I stopped caring about the cause of my gender dysphoria fairly quickly. I realized I like my feminine aspects, and I didn't want to destroy that part of myself.
Maybe knowing someone else was on similar path that lead to a dead end, will help you accept yourself. Again, you do not need to immediately transition. I still need to accomplish greater priorities before I do so, but the path of acceptance is the only one I know that alleviates gender dysphoria.
Something that may help, is that no path you ever take is a dead end. Every path in our lives leads us somewhere... If even in a circle back to where we started. Even then, it is not time wasted or futile to take that path. No matter what we do with our lives there is always something to learn, in our cases, exploring our gender jdentity with complete honesty, we will learn more about ourselves than others even have the opportunity to.
Good luck!!!