Lately I've had some decent changes occur in my life. I moved back in with my parents, I planned to get different clothing to help make it a little easier, I'm even trying to work up my confidence to finally go see a therapist.
Well, it seems okay, but I'm not really sure how to feel about everything. See, I'm confused on why it takes people different times to realize they need/want to change. I'm 19 and only figured it out when I was about thirteen. It's not something that frustrates me because I'm happy I didn't have to go through it at a younger age. I wouldn't have been able to tell anyone anyways, so I would have only suffered. I'm also glad I figured it out now because if I waited until I was older, I don't think I would turn out as well as I could if I did it now. I don't mean to insult anyone who has only able to change then, or even realized it when they were older. By all means, I'm glad you went through it and are happy now. No, what I mean is that in order to be able to do what I like, I'd like to go through this at the best possible time so that I can cosplay, and feel better about myself. I'm not sure how to explain it, but it's what makes me feel happier.
There's also the whole gender roles assigned by the civilizations around us. It's been a thought on my mind for a while. I just finished watching a documentary, like I normally do at night, and one of the transgenders said something that made me think. I can't quit remember it now, but it makes me think about gender itself. There are a few "hybrids" (not sure how to apply the name, I'm sorry if I offend anyone) which when met with certain situations can cause the gender barrier to crumble. I would love for a gender-less society because then we could all dress and act how we are as a person on the inside without the fear of being labeled for how we feel. I know there will always be complications with that idea, but it helps calm me. It's something I think about a lot.
After watching the documentary, I came here immediately because I feel great for once. Instead of being my typical self and getting angry with the people who have successfully transitioned because I've yet to do anything about it myself and take my frustration out on my guitar and just play for hours, or play video games, I actually feel happy. Normally it was all the talk about them finally being happy and looking the way they wanted to that got me going, but not tonight, and I'm not sure why. It makes me think of my situations and how a year ago I wasn't able to work up the courage to go to the therapist. I even set up the appointment and everything, but I just wasn't able to do it. But now it's a whole different story. I'm tired of always being angry and having to hide myself and correct people in my head for the mistakes that they don't know they're making. I hate not being able to dress like a girl, walk around like one, or even be recognized as one (although this one time when I was about fifteen or sixteen, I was wearing baggy clothes and had somewhat of long hair, and a clerk at the store said "did you ladies find everything?"... Yeah, I smiled more than a kid with candy). It's affecting my relationship with everyone around me, so now I've come to one conclusion.
By next week, I need to have worked up the courage to go set up another appointment (which I will need your guy's help with). I need to be prepared to lose everyone around me. Sadly enough, I already feel that I'm alone so I think I already have that part down. It just makes me sad, but what I need help with is motivation. If I'm stuck by myself, then I know I won't be able to do it. So, this is what I have to ask. Any kind of encouragement would be great! I'm finally going to be me and no one is going to stop me anymore :) Good luck to those who are going through the process, or even having a hard time. I was lucky enough to start feeling that I needed a change, I hope you do too!
Going to see a gender therapist will help you figure out what to do and when.
Courage to see a gender therapist, think of it this way, if it were not for us they would not have a job :)
I was very nervous to do an intake and it was the best thing I could have done. I was referred to a gender therapist that interviewed perspective clients for a good fit. We were a good fit and it turned out to be the best thing I have done for myself to date.
You may have seen me around here but I post so much I don't recall posting with you. I am not really sure I can give you encouragement but what I can do is give you a glimpse of what is waiting for you. Like you, I knew what was going on at age 13 but there was a little problem I couldn't overcome. I was born in 1951 and there just wasn't any form of treatment around and only place was on the far side of the United States. I kept it to my self until I was 23 and it nearly cost my life. At the last minute, I decided to seek treatment. Local therapy wasn't up to the task so I moved from Arizona to California. Two more therapist and a total of 8 year, I reached the point of surgery in 1982. The difference between both of my lives is night and day. Before I was depressed most of the time and being happy was something I would only feel once in a great while. Much of my life was spent distracting my self from what I felt. My after life may still see depression but not over gender issues. People have passed from my life and day to day things happen but the depression is short lived and not a constant companion. I find often I am happy because it's just a nice day and sometimes watching a thunder storm blow in is exciting.
What is waiting for you is to be able to live life and enjoy it. I didn't use anything to numb the pain before treatment because I feared it might delay what I needed to do. Now I don't want to miss a minute of life so I don't want anything that will cloud my mind. It is a hard path to travel but the rewards are worth it.
Thanks for sharing Dena! I know what you mean by the whole feeling depressed most of the time. I don't mean to say I know how you feel, but the situation is similar. I'm not sure how I am, but I have moments where I'm happy and depressed all over again within the same day. It's a normal occurrence for me to change attitudes within like five minutes. I think it's still me just trying to figure out my emotions and what I think and all the stress. I'm sorry to hear that it almost cost you your life, and that there wasn't any treatment at the time. I'm happy to hear that you followed through with it though and that you can be happy now :)
Dear Firewolf
I am so glad to hear you are moving forward to reach your true self. I am another who has waited a long time to act to become myself. My advise (and this is a work in progress for myself as well) is to not let fear paralyze you. If you know what you want, take those steps. Don't worry about the fear. Don't lie to yourself and say, "I'll do it when I'm not so afraid." That time will probably never come.
Also, I would go into it with a positive attitude. I would not assume you are going to lose everyone. Some relationships may actually get stronger, closer. Keep in mind that you are very young. You have a lot of time to experience so many wonderful things, meet supportive people. Don't let the awkward time at the beginning stop you from getting to a place where you can be yourself.
As to the genderless society, count me out. I love the differences in genders. I love being regarded as the woman I am. I would just get rid of the hate and bigotry for those who are different. I'm convinced that would finally make my avatar smile. :)
Good luck!
Moni
Hi HappyMoni! I never thought about just advancing even with the fear. As you said, I've been telling myself I'll just go when I get over the fear. I'm not sure how to explain the feeling, but it's like most of the fear just vanishes at points and it makes me feel like I can go through anything. Surprisingly enough, I've been in a good mood since I posted this. Normally I'll just crumble down and go back to my usual depressed self and just avoid people. I'm happy for the change. I know what you mean about being recognized as a woman, but what bothers me is that no matter what someone will always be against it and will eventually do something about it. It makes me worry about the person they would do something to. Plus there's the whole image that everyone portrays women to be, and don't get me wrong, I'd love to be recognized as a woman, but not by societies standards, but by my own means of being so. Hehe, I always have something on my mind, it really makes me think. Thanks for the advice!
Quote from: FireWolf on February 28, 2016, 02:34:03 PM
Thanks for sharing Dena! I know what you mean by the whole feeling depressed most of the time. I don't mean to say I know how you feel, but the situation is similar. I'm not sure how I am, but I have moments where I'm happy and depressed all over again within the same day. It's a normal occurrence for me to change attitudes within like five minutes. I think it's still me just trying to figure out my emotions and what I think and all the stress. I'm sorry to hear that it almost cost you your life, and that there wasn't any treatment at the time. I'm happy to hear that you followed through with it though and that you can be happy now :)
Each of our stories is unique but there is a common thread running through all of them I first started hearing the stories of others about 36 years ago and I have heard many on this site. You know what I feel and I know what you feel. It ties all of us together as brothers and sister. As you spend more time on the site and read what others have written, you will understand what I mean.
I hope so Dena, I love it here. For once I feel I can be completely open with everyone and not feel like I need to hide myself. Of course most days I just come to read how other people feel, and for the most part it makes me sad that a lot of people are still struggling, but I know it's a good place to be because of the amount of support :)
Firewolf,
I am very glad to hear that you are so positive. I got "over the top" happy when I made my decision to transition. As the process is more of a marathon than a sprint, I am upbeat mostly, but once in a while the fear pops up. I made a promise to myself not to let it stop me. You may experience this as well. Having support is so important. I hope you can find someone that will give you that.
My partner is cis-female and she explained to me that the thought of someone doing something to harm you is something women live with all the time. It is part of being female for a great majority of women. This is new to me, but I have been feeling more vulnerable than I ever have. I figure on being aware of my surroundings more and hope for the best. Can we really live our lives based on the idea that others might disapprove?
As for your version of who you should be, you sound like you have your head on straight. Be the type of woman YOU want to be. Way to go!!!!
Best wishes,
Moni