I have no clue what section is best for this so iv'e sort of decided to post it here i apologies ahead of time if it's wrong. But it's about my childhood being trans with frustrations, some realizations things like that.
So iv'e found myself thinking about my childhood a lot and how in kindergarten when asked to draw something i remember i always drawing male's and the teachers would for some dumb reason always correct me on the gender or ask questions about why i drew myself as a male. I don't remember my response but i remember it getting to me and over time i became withdrawn from drawing male's but sometimes i'd slip up.
I even have strange memory's of some of my first school days and me automatically going to line up with the boys side instead of the girls side. I was quickly corrected and i don't know if i took it as me getting into trouble or what but the reactions i got from teachers and kids around me made me as i said eventually withdraw from doing this and i stopped. I stopped doing anything like that at a very young age and probably before i went into a higher grade it got to me quickly, and because of back then and how people acted about it in that school sometimes i wonder if that was a good or bad thing. I remember the only real thing that ever followed me and stuck to me was clothing i felt unhappy and weird in female clothing so when my parents tried putting me in dresses i'd say no and if they didn't listen or begged me to do so i'd scream bloody murder it was traumatizing to say the least, and of course i never won. At this time i was still very young and even when my parents and grandparents brought me shopping for clothing or shoes i didn't even seem interested for several reasons sense i was a child but mostly because i didn't like the clothing or options given to me inside the female section. And by the age of 12 my mother stopped me from going into the male section of clothing and told me until i was 18 that i couldn't get any of the male clothing,
Basically my mother wanted everything to go her way and she wanted this to all be a phase in the end.
There are other parts of my childhood that has to have been so traumatic that i can't remember because it starts to come back to me and i get upset and then suddenly it fades away and i forget like it didn't exist and its hidden behind a wall all over again. I think when i was just starting my teenage years was one of the darkest and hurtful things that was said to me by my own mother inside Walmart honestly, i can't believe i remember it but for some reason its the one thing i couldn't forget. It was when my mother basically yelled at me that i didn't have male genitals and to stop trying to go into the other section and i wasn't a "Boy" everyone in that store just stared and i'll never forget running off and not wanting to show my face again.
Some how so many people probably would have "Known" but i never new i was transgender until i was 20
i think i might have known but if things would have been accepted, but some how i conformed and locked it away the best i could and managed to actually forget somethings done/said. Yea, that's my childhood it's long but i needed to get that out and tell people who might actually understand or relate. And it's bothering me lately super super badly even years and years after it's over with it still gets to me.
Even after my mother said sorry, even after she admitted she did wrong even after she started trying to accept me (but still struggles) and even after she let me start being me. Something inside me still hates them and something inside me is still upset with why i didn't just be myself as a child, on top of other emotions that aren't clear. (Sorry my spelling isn't good)
Its real hard to be yourself when people around you don't see you for who you are. I completely understand. I didn't know I was trans til I was 53! I always felt I was invisible, but now for the first time I AM HERE! We can't mourn lost years, we have to just move forward as who we are.
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I understand your pain. I had similar parental confrontations when growing up. When I buy something for myself such as cloths, shoes or even a belt I imagine I am holding the hand of me as a child so we are doing it together. I hope this helps. My mother and Father are deceased. I made up the most probable reasons they did what they did and forgave them. I will never forget but I forgave them. I am now doing what I should have been allowed to do when I was young. I was walking to my office the other day and just thought to myself and said, it is not a phase dad.
Omg that's horrid :(. Just know that you are in fact NOT alone xoxo. You are very strong to have made it this far :). If you ever wana talk, especially more private feel free to inbox message me!!
I very much understand your difficult childhood. I to, at a young age, went totally into hiding except
for my imaginary world since I learned that boys are never supposed to be girls (even when I was
certain there had been a mistake made somewhere). When I came out to my mother when I was 17
she tried to be supportive but kind of wanted the whole thing to just go away, and like you, thought it was just some sort of phase. She told me that I had invented it to try and deal with my awkward shy self - like I
just woke up one day and thought it would be fun to be a girl. My father is gone and never really knew
although I'm sure he suspected. My mother I don't blame in any way, she tried her best. I do wish
I could have had more courage growing up and not have to be starting this crazy struggle in my 50s.
I hope you are able to come to terms with your past and find a way to forgive your parents.
All the best
Kath
Hi Midnightstar,
I'm very sorry for the pain you've dealt with, especially as a child. I'm confronting a lot of my own childhood trauma at the moment. My best advice is that you allow yourself to feel it, and work through it on your own terms.
If you need to talk, you're welcome to PM me.
Best,
Josh
I understand how you feel. I also feel an anger towards my parents (and cisgender people as a whole). In may case though my parents have not even apologized.
I don't know how right I am in my anger. As a kid I went into the girls bathroom and a support teacher pulled me out and humiliated me in front of the other kids. :( I wanted to wear dresses have my hair long, But these requests were simply teased.
Everyday I am teased for my feminine appearance.
I feel extremely upset about my upbringing. How ever I don't believe I was ever really a "boy" even now I am find more and more signs that transsexualism is a very physical thing.
I think we need to find ways of screening people for this when they are born to avoid labeling them as the wrong gender in the first place.