I've had this theory for quite some time that transsexualism has similarities in experience of being like a soldier in war.
Contrarily, some of the scenes in Ken Burn's "The War" were so achingly horrific that I thought, "Man, I'm just a woos compared to those people who REALLY suffered." I truly don't mean to diminish soldiers' achievement or horrors by comparing us to them -- Yes, they are heroes. On the other hand, bottom line, DEAD is DEAD. Many transsexuals, as evidenced by many posts at Susan's, face death every day. I feel ANYONE in severe mental pain shares that knowledge of what trauma FEELS like. Often, soldiers feared the night, not knowing whether they would be alive the next day. Then, they feared the day. Fear and depression can, and often does, seem endless, no matter what the cause. Some soldiers in World War II, like some transsexuals, lost hope of life.
Like many here, I felt a huge need to "go to war" against my transsexualism and travel across the sea: transition. And, to keep the analogy between war and transsexualism, I noted that many friends and coworkers called me "brave" when I transitioned. But, like the soldiers in battle, I greatly underestimated the difficulty, if not horrors of this battle. Oh, of course, there'd be many days where I'd conquer my "hills" of societal bigotry and my own paranoia. Other days, someone would stare at me in a restaurant and I'd feel like jumping out of my skin.
A TS psychologist once told me that, in transitioning, I had to do what soldiers do in battle: HAVE CONTROL. It's a natural inclination to run like hell when someone, in a real battle, shoots at you. Somehow, soldiers are trained to dismiss that natural instinct. It's usually dismissed because they fight, not for themselves or their country, but for their platoon. One advantage soldiers have is the benefit of going through traumatic life-threatening incidents TOGETHER. We, as transsexuals, are usually (save for places like Susan's) on our own. We're unlike other minorities such as African-Americans or gays who, in person, have one another to lean on.
Then there's what happens after the war. Soldiers came back from World War II (and, obviously many others) and, yet, the war kept going in their mind...post-traumatic stress. Though I'm post-op, I still have stress from being transsexual. Like with the WW2 veterans, I don't feel trauma from actual daily experience: I don't encounter "wars" out there. But feelings of depression and trauma do linger in a form of what I unofficially call my form of post-traumatic stress. I've seen some psychologists, one of which suggested a mantre: "I'm proud to be transsexual." I can see the doctor's thinking. Blacks had the mantre "Black is beautiful." Why not us?
I'd read something during transition that did worry me and seemed to "fit": Once you get severely depressed, your brain may change, making you vulnerable to "churning" over and over that depression -- that is what, essentially, "post-traumatic stress" is all about. I've read medical websites that state depression is "curable" most of the time. A few chemicals (drugs) and some cognitive therapy and you'll be good as new. I wonder, though, when you go through an ordeal, how you erase it. Ken Burns' documentary, at one point, had a veteran say that he'd felt trauma from the war for THIRTY YEARS after the war ended. Finally, he said, "The Japs, they don't care about me. They've moved on and so should I." And, finally, after so long, he let go of the trauma...
As we should. And we shouldn't wait thirty years to do it. While Susan's is good as a shared-experience which builds our strength, don't linger here too long. Sad tales (like mine above, lol) can add to your depression. Don't let the internet become your life. Distract yourself. Being in NATURE is good for that. Find other passions. Take up some hobbies -- I've taken up sailing and movie-editing. Hug or kiss some friends or loved ones. Tell them how much they mean to you. Often friends and family are at our self-defined center of "why we're here on earth." And, as a song suggests, "Don't stop thinking about tomorrow -- it'll soon be here."
Live.
Teri Anne
Hi, Teri,
Your posting is some act to follow. I believe that your perceptions and feelings are shared by many in this group and elsewhere.
You can change anything about your life that you so desire and no one will give a hoot, but fix your outer gender to match your inner and suddenly you find a herd of people willing to mind your business.
I've had more than one natal woman tell me that what I was doing was brave. I never felt that way. They also asked why I wanted to be a second-class citizen. I never saw it that way. I went marching off in my transition and underestimated the opposition there would be to a most personal decision in my life.
Perhaps that's why I survived, grew, and flourished in my "second life." I didn't know when I was being shot-at and when I could determine that it was happening I was ignorant enough to pay it no mind.
As you wrote, "Dead is dead." We who survived have our scars and open wounds and no place to go for healing. You're right.
Thanks for sharing with us.
Wing Walker
Patched Wings, Still Flying
Quote from: Teri Anne on October 12, 2007, 10:25:27 PM
I've had this theory for quite some time that transsexualism has similarities in experience of being like a soldier in war.
Teri Anne
I think anyone who has had the balls to go out there and fight or be on the front line in a war is far more brave than someone tottering about in heels and being in transition. I don't see any comparison or link at all....
Yes, sometimes it can be hard transitioning and we all get good days and bad days but it's nothing compared to what those brave people are doing going out to war...
Quote from: Berliegh on October 13, 2007, 02:16:55 AM
Quote from: Teri Anne on October 12, 2007, 10:25:27 PM
I've had this theory for quite some time that transsexualism has similarities in experience of being like a soldier in war.
Teri Anne
I think anyone who has had the balls to go out there and fight or be on the front line in a war is far more brave than someone tottering about in heels and being in transition. I don't see any comparison or link at all....
Yes, sometimes it can be hard transitioning and we all get good days and bad days but it's nothing compared to what those brave people are doing going out to war...
I don't think she is trying to make an exact comparison in a sense, more so ever just a way as seeing our life experiences. In a sense, it sounds sort of like an analogy, but I don't think Teri is actually saying that we are brave enough to go fight a war and face death in a different type of way. Also your sterotype of what transition is about trotting around in heels is a little degrading for people as well, is that some bitterness with yourself and your perception?
And of course it isn't like going out to war, there are two totally different things, fighting yourself emotionally for life in a way, and fighting physically for perhaps a cause you don't believe in. In a way it's the struggle and the mental problems that are trying to be considered here I think.
Either way, I don't believe Teri is saying were courageous enough to go fight and kill people. She is just in fact trying to draw a picture for us here with all the problems each of us face, and put it in comparison.
Thanks for sharing this with us Terri. I think you did a fantastic job of explaining some very valuable points to consider. What struck me the most was the post-traumatic stress issue. In my depression driven state I have focused on being able to transition, "fight and make it through the battle," but in this idealistic goal I never thought about the effects that the fight would leave. If I understood you correctly, it is better to think about transition "train for the fight" rather than focus on the goal. To create a life for yourself so that you have somewhere to return to after the battle. Since going at it unprepared seeking nothing more than a fix to your depression can lead you back to your same place and even worse with post-traumatic issues.
Take care,
Lory
Quote from: Berliegh on October 13, 2007, 02:16:55 AM
I think anyone who has had the balls to go out there and fight or be on the front line in a war is far more brave than someone tottering about in heels and being in transition. I don't see any comparison or link at all....
Yes, sometimes it can be hard transitioning and we all get good days and bad days but it's nothing compared to what those brave people are doing going out to war...
Quote from: shanetastic on October 13, 2007, 02:37:20 AM
Either way, I don't believe Teri is saying were courageous enough to go fight and kill people. She is just in fact trying to draw a picture for us here with all the problems each of us face, and put it in comparison.
What the **** is so great about killing people? ???
Quote
What the **** is so great about killing people? ???
I think this is a question of human behavioral philosophy, (sorry im sort of nerdy hehe) and sort of goes besides the point Terri was trying to get across.
Quote from: shy_lory on October 13, 2007, 03:23:57 AM
I think this is a question of human behavioral philosophy, (sorry im sort of nerdy hehe) and sort of goes besides the point Terri was trying to get across.
Yes, i didn't mean to criticize teri's analogy.
Quote from: ketti on October 13, 2007, 03:14:12 AM
Quote from: Berliegh on October 13, 2007, 02:16:55 AM
I think anyone who has had the balls to go out there and fight or be on the front line in a war is far more brave than someone tottering about in heels and being in transition. I don't see any comparison or link at all....
Yes, sometimes it can be hard transitioning and we all get good days and bad days but it's nothing compared to what those brave people are doing going out to war...
Quote from: shanetastic on October 13, 2007, 02:37:20 AM
Either way, I don't believe Teri is saying were courageous enough to go fight and kill people. She is just in fact trying to draw a picture for us here with all the problems each of us face, and put it in comparison.
What the **** is so great about killing people? ???
Nothing, it's just nature unfortunately. No matter how civilized we are, war is the only way to settle
some problems. I didn't say it was great to kill people. Nothing is good about war, well that I can see.
Hi, Teri,
Post traumatic, I don't believe I am familiar with this dysfunction, although I was one sick puppy for thirty years of my life. I felt ostracized from the rest of humanity. Have you heard the expression, "lonely in a crowd?"
So I hid for thirty years with the only company that I wanted which was in the form of beer bottles and wine. Built me some really nice imaginary castles with those there bottles, too. But then reality would come along and knock down my bottle castles, "bad reality, bad. Then I was anorexic for several years, and oh we mustn't forget the visits from those alien people to.
I didn't know anything about transsexualism but when this gal I was holding in voluntary hostage finally got smart and left. This was where I began my transitioning in my apartment.
But to actually coming out to the public, I could say I was darn near traumatized by the idea but I did anyway. There was no choice short of killing myself. And for me coming out was way more scary then going for the operation. When it got to that point I just had me a little wake up call and set myself down to have a lengthy deliberation with my self.
Which is more scary; The coming into being myself or the operation? I could see only two possibilities: #1 The negative is I die on the operating table; at any rate I won't be around to care much about it.
#2 On the positive side I am as close to being a complete woman as I so much wished and desired to be for all those years. It really was no big deal compared to transitioning and coming out full time.
What am I going to do to fill that void after? Continue to do support work with those who need it, as many as I can possibly serve.
I don't need any other material things. I live fairly comfortably and I am free to come and go anywhere between Vancouver and Seattle for meetups. I organize get together twice every month.
It would be nice if we could meet over a coffee. Seattle is not all that far from here and my Soul Mate goes to Bellingham every so often to pick-up mail.
Us old war vets? Ya I can see where this has some similarities when it comes down to those of us who don't survive this war or battle called transitioning to full time unfortunately some die from fear of not making the grade. Like, died in action.
Cindy
Quote from: shanetastic on October 13, 2007, 02:37:20 AM
Also your sterotype of what transition is about trotting around in heels is a little degrading for people as well, is that some bitterness with yourself and your perception?
considering the crap I've been through.....I probably hold the least bitterness compared to many Transsesuals I've met, and the comment about 'trotting around in heels' was to enphasise the very serious nature of the Iraq war.
I don't actually wear high heels and I'm far from any stereotypical transsexual......
Hi Berliegh hun I agree about the high heels part, I think that if we are striving to be women and accepted as such as well by those in the outside world. Then once there we need to learn to follow our hearts and intuition. We have already achieved much on this journey why drop out now?
Well as for me the cold feet part is over and behind me. The only reason I came "back" to Susan's was lack of any place else to go share with like minds. Kind of slow time right now. I was hoping to possibly work with others here on this group because I sure don't need to be here otherwise. This I thought for myself this would be a good time to be the teacher and student rolled up in one
Cindy
Oh my Teri its been a long time. How are you? Did you ever sell your house in California? Have you found your way to Washington? Not a month goes by where the words written long ago by you to me don't echo in my mind.
I love your analogy and it would seem many vets of your war are treated like baby killing Vietnam vets. Forgotten and misunderstood, those in control hoping enough time will pass so they will just die and go away.
In this war of transsexualism, I feel it's important to choose your battles. Every TS is a soldier and a General. In this game of life, we must move ourselves about strategically plotting every move so that when there are casualties on the way, we still win. Why is it so many fail while others charge the enemy with swords drawn and guns a'blazing ready to take on the world only to end up being an outcast or killed? How is that many can hold up the white flag and march across the battlefield unscathed and be embraced by their sworn enemies? Is it mindset and fortitude? Perhaps it's fate and they are only following the footsteps life has chosen for them and as long as they walk that path they remain safe.
I wished I had the answers. Often I can only feel a sense of foreboding grow as each day passes. As each and every pills is dropped, another needle inserted and the plunger riding over the faint golden oily liquid is expunged down, a piece of who I was forced to become, disappears. That small twinge of excitement is still there, but an overshadowing cloud of doom washes over me as I lay in bed with only my unsettling thoughts to guide me to another night of wrestless sleep.
I want to cry out for who I was. That weak miserable loving child who got smashed in the hatred of a stepmother who could show no love. I want to cry out for that loving father who's son will grow up wondering what happened to the parent with sad eyes and a loving yet tortured heart, for that son I fathered is the one true love in my life. I want to cry for a loving spouse losing her husband through no fault of her own. These are the battles I face in my personal war.
The construct I have designed in my life depends on me. My job, my family, my friends. If this is a war, then there will be casualties. Bring in the stretchers, because words are like bullets and physical changes will be shrapnel in the eyes of those that once held me in high regard.
Like all wars mine is a sad one. My only wish is to finish victoriously.
Quote from: Berliegh on October 13, 2007, 04:43:47 AM
Quote from: shanetastic on October 13, 2007, 02:37:20 AM
Also your sterotype of what transition is about trotting around in heels is a little degrading for people as well, is that some bitterness with yourself and your perception?
considering the crap I've been through.....I probably hold the least bitterness compared to many Transsesuals I've met, and the comment about 'trotting around in heels' was to enphasise the very serious nature of the Iraq war.
I don't actually wear high heels and I'm far from any stereotypical transsexual......
Okay sorry about that Berliegh, my mistake. I misunderstood.
Quote from: Teri Anne on October 12, 2007, 10:25:27 PM
As we should. And we shouldn't wait thirty years to do it. While Susan's is good as a shared-experience which builds our strength, don't linger here too long. Sad tales (like mine above, lol) can add to your depression. Don't let the internet become your life...
As I was reading through your wonderful words, I was hoping you'd mention this.
I've posted elsewhere that the most difficult thing for me now is to JUST STOP FIGHTING. I did it. I made it through. And yet... I keep looking for enemies, I keep fearing a sniper is going to pick me off if I don't keep my guard up. And when I can't find anyone to fight, I make enemies for myself. I whine. I get annoyed at Oprah (lol) shows. And if all else fails... well hey, I'll just hate mySELF.
It all tells me it's just about time to move on. I don't know what more I can really add at this point besides annoying everyone with my own frustration with myself for NOT moving on. I picture Susans like an hourglass: we all come from different places, but tend to squeeze together for a time while we transition. But after that... we have to go our separate ways and LIVE that life we created and fought for.
~Kate~
Hi, Kate,
You are one here whose posts I enjoyed reading because held much common sense. "Amen!" to what you said in your post.
But before you leave to begin your life as your true self, just keep in mind. "WHAT SNIPERS?????" People have enough of their own problems to worry about, much less about little old insignificant me walking by them. To tell the truth, I really don't fear much of anything and maybe that is because I lived over thirty years of my life with a death wish.
I count myself lucky to be here alive and well, and fortunate to have the opportunity to live as the true me after all those years of misery. Yes, misery, disguised as bravado, and the thrill of pulling off death defying stunts to cover up all the crap I was suppressing within myself. So who would believe that of a 62 year old granny type? I have found during my seven years living as Cindy that people generally are nice, depending upon how one approaches them. I do it with a cheery type personality. It's like using honey to attract flies. On the negative side, people will react likewise.
I have worked with the public as a social worker for many years and have become proficient at reading people and how to deal with them. I fear not anyone or anything, for it would be such a waste of my own valuable, precious time if I did. Not to mention that I just can't afford to lose anymore of my life in negativity.
I desire to enjoy what's left of my life to the fullest. Yes, there is a time where we need to leave the nest and fly away on our own to the destination we have chosen for ourselves. Take care, Sis. I left 7 years ago and have only come back because when I was emptying out my email I happened to come across the link for Susan's. And here I am. I am not beholden to anyone. I am only here to be of assistance as a teacher, if I can be, as well as the student.
Cindy
Mindful that comparing transsexualism to actual "war" can be an insult to heroic veterans, their families and most Americans, I hoped I'd addressed that issue in the third and fourth lines of my intro post: "I truly don't mean to diminish soldiers' achievement or horrors by comparing us to them -- Yes, they are heroes. On the other hand, bottom line, DEAD is DEAD."
Kate, your post hit closest to home for me. Like Cindy commented, I think your post had "much common sense." We sometimes irrationally fear "snipers" and, when they're not there, rather than relaxing (shouting "I've made it!") our form of post-stress and churning can turn into sniping ourselves, our self-worth. Of course, we know that society's sometimes negative perception of us is to blame but, still, like sheep being led to slaughter, we obey society's supposed "rules" (aka biblical writings) and punish ourselves. After WW2, some vets irrationally punished themselves for surviving rather than dying like their friends in battle. I can't explain vets and we punish ourselves but, perhaps, by realizing this commonality, we can learn to move on. An old psychology saying is probably still true: recognize the problem and you're half way to the solution.
Wing Walker, thank you for the kind words. I loved your line, "You can change anything about your life that you so desire and no one will give a hoot, but fix your outer gender to match your inner and suddenly you find a herd of people willing to mind your business."
Shy Lory, I guess what I'm saying is that victory for us is not dependent on actual wars we fight but rather how we perceive things. Though I don't know a lot about Budhism, I think it is, to a great extent, about learning to control and calm our inner being. When you hold a hand over a fire, your outside sees the trauma but your mind can say, "be calm." In theory, torment is something, with a strong will, we can ignore. In the analogy of war, a soldier ascending a hill towards a machine gun nest can dismiss the bullets hitting him and, incredibly and bravely, keep climbing up...
Lori, yes, it's been such a long time! Yes, I've made it to Washington. I enjoyed your post and, to be contrary to what I wrote in my original post, I think that friendship can explain why some of us keep coming back to Susan's. While I still feel that I and many spend far too much time online rather than in "real" life, there is undoubtably a satisfaction in sharing thoughts carefully put to "paper" with friends. There's also creativity involved in thinking and phrasing how you truly feel. Sometimes, there's a magical feeling when you see your post. It's almost like seeing your name on a byline of a newspaper and you proudly think, "Yes, that's me. That's what I think." The good-feeling survives until someone contradicts you in the next post. Yes, even Susan's can be a war-like place, lol (I'm kidding).
Lori, you asked, "Why is it so many fail while others charge the enemy with swords drawn and guns a'blazing...How is that many can hold up the white flag and march across the battlefield unscathed and be embraced by their sworn enemies? Is it mindset and fortitude?"
Thanks, Lori, for going with my war-analogy and putting into words something I've been puzzled about for a long time. Why is it that you and I share stress regarding what we see as a battle (transsexualism and societal bigotry) and yet others like Cindy seem so calm. She asks, "What snipers?" and correctly, logically suggests that "people have their own problems to worry about." I've wondered why problems roll off some people like water rolls off a duck's back. The "full-time" period in transition is, of course, when you are supposed to determine your capabilities in this battle. Can you deal with it? In my case, I had trauma but mostly good times during transition. That mixture continues to today. I wouldn't change my decision to transition. I'm glad I did it.
It's done. The war's over. I'm declaring victory.
And I feel ready for a parade!
Teri Anne
QuoteIt's done. The war's over. I'm declaring victory.
And I feel ready for a parade!
Teri Anne
I'll second that, Teri.
Good on ya!
Wing Walker
Hi, Teri,
Cindy walks out wearing her best sparkly gown and her hat with the long plume, throws the ticker tape and confetti while a blowin' her tin whistle and singing in her best Kim Carnes immitation, yeah, well, so what I have a voice that won't behave itself where most times it sounds high-pitched or comes out sounding like Kim Carnes. Not that I mind, I love her songs. ;D Break out the champaign, girls and guys, we have ourselves a hoedown down here in Ogden's Swamp!
Cindy
Quote from: Kate on October 13, 2007, 03:36:13 PM
I've posted elsewhere that the most difficult thing for me now is to JUST STOP FIGHTING. I did it. I made it through. And yet... I keep looking for enemies, I keep fearing a sniper is going to pick me off if I don't keep my guard up. And when I can't find anyone to fight, I make enemies for myself. I whine. I get annoyed at Oprah (lol) shows. And if all else fails... well hey, I'll just hate mySELF.
It all tells me it's just about time to move on. I don't know what more I can really add at this point besides annoying everyone with my own frustration with myself for NOT moving on. I picture Susans like an hourglass: we all come from different places, but tend to squeeze together for a time while we transition. But after that... we have to go our separate ways and LIVE that life we created and fought for.
~Kate~
Oh Kate....still waiting for that hammer to fall, looking for the catch, and wondering when your are going to be in your "odd looking phase" to be mocked and laughed at by society. So am I. We tend to focus on the negative while people like Cindy just seemed to be able to embrace her newself and breathe a sigh of relief. Perhaps we have read one too many horror stories or one too many negative posts and we fear since we are like those that have crossed over knowing their fate will be the same as ours. After all, are we not transsexuals and placed in the same box by society?
With all the constant bigotry and outright nasty things happening to transsexuals all over, why is it you crossed over unscathed? I have my theories on that and we discussed it. Just accept the fact that you made it and the world sees you as the woman you have always been. Many will never be seen as women unfortunately and I fear that will happen to me as well. Fear is real and it is a mind killer. Psychologically you built up such a strong fear of what could happen the fact that it didnt will be with you for a very long time. You are paranoid, plain and simple as I am as well. Now you and Teri have post traumatic stress disorder. I don't know how many times you focused on the negative or your own mind when I told you repeatedly to listen to those around you. How many times have you said "I still look like a man" when everybody told you the exact opposite. Until a week ago that was your life when you finally admitted you looked in the mirror and said "I see no male at all." With that you started to relax, but 14 months of fear does not disappear overnight. Many that cross over look like transsexuals while ou look like a woman so the world embraces you as one. Women do not spend time posting in Transsexual forums do they? Perhaps your urdge to move on is driven by that thought. Yet you do have knowledge and information and its been debated here so many times if those that have successfully transitioned owe a debt to those that need help and have not transitioned yet. I feel the choice is yours to make whether to stay or not and help those follow in your footsteps with advice and guidance. I know you owe me!! I did everything short of driving to your house and grabbing you by the hand and pulling you through this.
Its time for you to relax and move on mentally. You have your name/documents change to go through and your SRS still but in society, your life is that of a nomal woman. Do as they do, live and be grateful you are seen as one.
Posted on: October 14, 2007, 08:34:27 AM
Quote from: Teri Anne on October 14, 2007, 04:22:19 AM
It's done. The war's over. I'm declaring victory.
And I feel ready for a parade!
Teri Anne
I'm so happy you finally found peace with yourself. I'm also delighted to be able to read your words again.
Teri:
I completely understand how you feel. Yes it has been a battle for me. No I was never in any war or was drafted. But I feel that if I were, I probably would have arranged to eat a bullet sooner or later.
The thing about depression or PTSD is that you can't "cure" it while the symptoms are still there. If you are still at war, in the jungle, being given anti-depressants is not as helpful as getting ammunition! I could not get a handle on my depression until I started my transition. The same with PTSD, you can't start curing it until you get home.
People have congratulated me on my courage in coming out and living full time. I appreciate the sentiment but really feel it was about as courageous as running out of a burning building.
My choices were very few, transition or die. I came too close to dying and I finally decided to live.
I congratulate you on your courage too, Teri. I congratulate you on winning your war!
-Sandy(veteran of the great transsexual struggle and DAMN PROUD OF IT!)
Teri, I loved this post!!! As i've said ( i guess add nauseum) i'm new here for the most part, this post inspired me. I wish I had more profound words.
Thank you Teri :)
The word "Fight" is a way of framing a fact, it adds personal emotion. I choose never to fight I rather die. I rather be tenacious in trying to accomplish what I believe in. I did get out of the draft but only after a long negotiation with the federal government. Working things out through understanding yields better results than a war it also is a lot less stress. Transition is a series of compromises.
I think I may have posted this on another thread somewhere. I composed this on one of my groups and thought it quite appropriate for this thread.
If you wish to be who you truly are then you may have to look at the world about you from a different perspective. Also, take a good look within yourself to see the person you truly are. Touch her, feel her, know her, then be her.
There are as many colors within the range of human emotions, feelings, and perceptions as there are in the spectrum of visible light. The number of possible outcomes is without counting. This is why it is important to look at the world with reference to who you truly are within to find the true you, the one without guile or error. You might need to feel all of the colors that you can possibly feel in the spectrum of emotion to learn what you need to know, and like many other things in this imperfect world, certain combinations can hurt a lot when embraced and hopefully you will learn to quickly let go of what does not serve you well.
Once you have made up your mind and have determined who you are, you will have found the one within. Then you can go forth in pride without fear or uncertainty as to who you are. If you have looked at yourself as mentioned above there will be no room for uncertainty in your spiritual walk or journey.
Always come from the purest part of the heart within yourself. Walking the spiritual path is not the easiest to walk, but it has many wonderful benefits, not the least among which are a good self-image, self esteem, the knowledge of being an equal (in some cases, above) with the rest of the world and truly shine the light for those on the lower rungs of the ladder, and happy with whom you sleep and awake even when you are alone.
Such is what you would call the road to enlightenment. One must know the darkness in order to appreciate the light.
May the Infinite bless you all on your journey in this world of uncertainties.
My home is where ever I hang my hat, now I wish I had a hat.
Cindy
Posted on: October 14, 2007, 10:40:35 AM
Hi Kassandra
I couldn't agree more with your post.
I am sending prayers to universe for you Teri. You fear having a friendship only just to loose them again. That use to bother me to until I came to the realisation that people on the web are quite transient, they come and go for what ever their reasons, maybe they got what they needed and just moved on with their lives. I will tell you something, I believe I told you I was an empath. check out what the word means and you will know that when I make a friend I won't disappear unless they ask me to. I have an old web friend that I have met in person and we chatted regularly for two years on the web and then I stopped hearing from her then just out of the blue I got an email from her yesterday.
You don't need to be alone sweets. You told me that there isn't anything more you would like then to have a friend to share things with. Well I'm here and the first cup of coffee is on me and my soul mate when next we go down Seattle way. Look at all the fun we could have talking about the Big bang, black holes, time warps, folding time and space and all that neat stuff. I don't have many close friends either, but I have amassed quite a few acquaintances for the short time I been here in Vancouver. It's your choice hun.
Hugs
Cindy
Funny girl, thank you for the kind words.
Cindy, I didn't mean to ignore your offer. Meeting you in Seattle sometime would be fun. Just send me an email via Susan's when you are going to be there.
Kate, like you, I've often waited for the hammer to drop -- for the "sniper" to come out. Contrarily though, I had a nice incident today; It was windy and I was working outside - conditions I know don't make me look my best! I was pleased that my realtor friend asked me to help give out food at a realtor open house party. I guess, to me, it was an affirmation that she felt confident enough in me that I would be good with the crowd. There was a wonderful singer/piano player at the party and one of the potential clients, seeing me tap my foot in time with the music, asked me, "Is he your son?" I guess it never fails to amuse me that, in moments when I might be self-conscious about my appearance (windy day), surprising good things are still possible. Maybe God is giving me a little shove, saying, "Smile!"
One of the things I always craved when I transitioned was the hope that I could answer my front door in the morning with just a non-gender pair of pants and t-shirt and yet a delivery person at the door would still recognize me as female. That's happened to me over and over countless times since I transitioned but there's still a part of me inside that says, "Wow, imagine that!" If I'm feeling a little down on myself, I'll somewhat kiddingly think, "What, is he blind?" Perhaps, though, that surprise ("he sees me as a woman!") is a natural reaction given that I spent most of my life (47 years) as a male and a fraction of that (9 years) as a female. Despite being 7 years post-op, the "newness" of being recognized as female can still be surprising. I read once that some people who've immigrated to the U.S. from small villages in distant lands can take quite awhile to acclimate to their new life. This adjustment period is far shorter if you are young. They say that young children get over the trauma of an incident like 9/11 much faster than adults. So, with my living one way for 47 years, it's no wonder I sometimes feel like a country kid who just moved to the big city. Yeah, that's corn behind my "ears!, lol."
Kassandra, you wrote, " If you are still at war, in the jungle, being given anti-depressants is not as helpful as getting ammunition!" I remember an M.D. once talking to me about depression -- he said that I had very rational reasons to feel depressed (I'd lost work, my 21-year relationship). It would be odd if I didn't feel depressed! Somehow, that made me feel better. Anti-depression pills never did a thing for me. Fixing how I THOUGHT about trauma - the "control" thing - was far more useful than any pill. Cognitive therapy can help gain that control.
One other tactic in dealing with trauma, according to recent popular theories, is to imagine the worst. If you think you're going to get robbed, for example, imagine all of your stuff being stolen -- Then, you see that you're still alive. The "stuff" didn't really matter. Sometimes when you imagine the worst, what you have now is not so bad. So, imagine that you're going to lose your job and that all your friends will desert you. Are you still breathing? Does the sun still rise? Okay, then. Move somewhere else and find a new job and friends. Is that easy? Of course not. But it's also not a 90 mile "Death March" that many faced in the Philippines in WW2:
(From Wikepedia: "The Bataan Death March (also known as The Death March of Bataan) took place in the Philippines in 1942 and was later accounted as a Japanese war crime. The march, involving the forcible transfer of 72,000—75,000 of prisoners of war, the surrendered remnants of the combined United States personnel and the Phillipines home defense forces from the Bataan peninsula to prison camps was characterized by wide-ranging physical abuse, murder, savagery, and resulted in very high fatalities inflicted upon the prisoners and civilians along the route by the armed forces of the Empire of Japan. Beheadings, cut throats and being casually shot were the more common and merciful actions — compared to bayonet stabbings, rapes, guttings (cut open bellies and left to die), numerous rifle butt beatings and a deliberate refusal to allow the prisoners food or water while keeping them continually marching for nearly a week (for the slowest survivors) in tropical heat. Falling down, unable to continue moving was tantamount to a death sentence, as was any degree of protest or expression of displeasure. Strings of Japanese trucks were known to drive over anyone who fell, resulting in a corpse resembling squashed tomato. Riders in vehicles would casually stick out a rifle bayonet and cut a string of throats in the lines of men marching along side the road. Historians have placed the mininum death toll between six and eleven thousand men; whereas other post war allied reports have tabulated that only 54,000 of the 72,000 prisoners reached their destination")
When I had suicidal thoughts in the past, knowing that others have faced far harsher circumstances gave me courage to continue on. To disuade myself, I realized: I know that my family and friends would torture themselves, worrying endlessly: What they could have done to prevent it? I'd rather deal with trauma myself than inflict trauma on people I care about. Secondly - and I realize this borders on sillyness - I think of all the work and money I've gone through to become post-op: The countless tortuous hours of electrolysis, the SRS, the facial surgery -- why would I want to destroy the face that Osterhaut helped to create? Now, that would be a stupid waste, lol. When I think of my face, I smile, remembering how in the movie, "Patton,"he, with his great ego, stated that he didn't fear dying as much as getting shot in the nose. Karl Malden then grins and comments with understanding, "But George, that's because it's such a good nose!"
We all have good noses. Let's keep 'em breathing...
At a Motel 6 once, I greeted an African-American man, "Morning, how are you doing?"
He responded with this absolutely incredible smile and said, "Well, I'm breathing out and breathing in so I guess I'm ALL RIGHT!"
Sometimes life should be as simple as that. In once sentence, he was far wiser than most of us.
Teri Anne
Seems that you have found a perspective that works for you, Teri. Good show!
Enjoy your life, keep doing what you're doing, mingle, and smile, and be happy in yourself and endeavour to contribute to the happiness of others in any way that you can.
Hugs,
Wing Walker
Flying into the Sun
Hi Teri
Wing Walker is my soul mate, we fly the same plane, except when she's out on the wing I get to play with the controls ;D
A but my dear I do have a feeling that it would be nice for the both of us to touch base. I believe I have a pretty good image in my mind of who Teri is and I believe it would be nice to see her in person.
Remember, I'm the one who claimed I can read peoples horoscopes without consulting the book.
So hun I'll email you when we are going down there next within the next two and a half weeks, the first of the month.
Cynthia