Firstly, posting this in the youth forum because I'm not sure where else this would be more fitting.
Secondly, an apology for ranting, but I'm not sure how to deal with certain issues, and as always google results don't seem to suffice.
I'm also writing this in an exhausted and slightly tipsy state, so things aren't as easy to word at the moment.
Lately, I've been having an increased amount of suicide related thoughts, mainly as to the method and how to obtain what I would need. I have also been considering going out and trying to purchase said items, as an almost comfort blanket, I'm not 100% sure that I would actually use them.
I know that these have been triggered by dysphoria, over the last few months it's gone from manageable discomfort to a deep hatred and frustration that I'm unable to change it. I've been struggling to sleep because when I lay in bed at night, all I have with me is my mind and my body, both of which make relaxing enough to the point of sleep very difficult. Being able to feel that my body is a certain way is repulsive, and I don't know how I'm going to continue living this way for years.
I know that school is hell right now, I'm in an environment where despite passing to a level where I am stealth irl and recieve questions as to how a cis male (myself) is in said environment, I get dumbass questions and misgendering incredibly often, which is obviously triggering. Whenever I vent this irl, I'm aways told it's only a few months until I move onto college, although it's been 2 years of 'just a few [insert date]' where I've known that I have no place.
I also know that my relationship with my partner is feeling odd, and less enjoyable. I'm finding it hard to want to express affection or emotion towards them, even though I know it's things I should be saying there's something in me that deeply does not want to. I am also trying to avoid seeing them irl, the thought of any physical contact is repulsive, and I don't feel up to being around people.
I've been thinking a lot about how the ending of my life would effect them personally, although sometimes I feel the only other fair option would be for us to seperate as they don't deserve to carry such a huge emotional weight (I know that they spend a lot of time worrying about my safety).
It's hard to come to any sort of conclusion because I just don't know. I don't know how I can cope well with this, besides alcohol, which I use sparingly because I can't afford to drink as often as I need it, and besides more harmful ways. While ending it is always a comforting thought, and sometimes tempting, I don't want to slip into another self destructive cycle, as there have been times before where I have come close, but I'm scared that I won't be able to do much else.
Thank you in advance.
I understand the depression you are feeling but there are several things you should consider that will give you a far better future than people who came before you.
When I was your age, I had no idea when I could transition and cross living was out of the question. In my case, HRT was about 10 years off and cross living around 12 years off. You are already permitted the freedom of presenting as your desired gender and by 18, it will be possible for you to start HRT. I know those two years look like they are forever but look at it from my prospective. I am now 33 years post transition and have lived more of my life as a woman. Much of that past life is a somewhat faded memory that no longer hurts. I have many more pleasant memories from my new life. I was very close to suicide at one point but now I am extremely glad I didn't take my life and I want to live forever.
How did I survive those years? Much like what you are doing in minecraft. I found things to do that I greatly enjoyed and used them as a distraction. It didn't work all the time but it helped.
As for alcohol, it could be part of the problem. Alcohol can act as a depressant which isn't good if you are already depressed. In my case, I made a decision that I wouldn't use drugs or alcohol because I feared that I might find the magic thing that made the pain go away. If I did, my addiction to it could delay my transition. To this day I don't use alcohol or drugs even socially because I am high on life and I don't want to miss a minute of it.
Yes, the transition process is extremely hard but it's worth it.
Doesn't sound good. I'm guessing your around 17. I'm 64. I don't know how the hell I made it here. My path in life was definitely a different path none of which I could of possibly of foreseen. I'm glad I made it here. I still for various reasons think of death even after a lifetime of thinking about it and coming way too close to it too many times. I'm very lucky I'm still here. I haven't had a good life by most standards. I've been one very lonely person for a very long time. I haven't been liked by many people for some reason , I think mainly because I don't fit. My body is so very wrong and each day proves how wrong it is. Its crazy that I do love life so much for mainly one reason. It's my personal reason and I don't expect others to understand ,but it's my reason to live and it's the only reason I'm here typing away. There is no doubt life can be brutal in so many ways. I could endlessly type every reason that I should be dead , but I'm not dead and that's my miracle. Right now I'm 64 years old never been married , haven't had any physical contact or relationship with anyone for 40 + years,.2+ years ago I said enough , I was tired and lonely and just had enough of the pain. I got help from some caring people at a the hospital I still go to and life is getting better. I don't have much time left just because of the reality of the human life span which you can't change. I've had a very painful life , but I've also have had a very beautiful life. I guess that's quite paradoxical , but it's so true of my life. Realistically I don't have much of a future I'm on welfare living in poverty. I have absolutely no life that anyone would say was a life. I have very little hope of ever finding a partner given that the past 40+years has shown me there just doesn't seem to be anyone out there for me. The only thing that I do have is a love for God. I don't have any answers for you , but I wish I did. All I can say that there is hope and things do change and one can be happy in their own way. By all standards of society I'm a failure and I have a bad time of constantly reminding myself of that everyday, but I'm still alive and still am able to enjoy the little I have. I have my computer and people that say hi to me and I'm amassing a nice quantity of pretty dresses. I have my estrogen and my math hobby that I need to work on again , but Susan's has eaten up my time. I have really absolutely nothing except that I'm still alive which is quite phenomenal .