Hey guys. Even though I've recently pinned down that I'm trans, I still find myself going back and forth between "yes I am trans" and "no I am not trans" -- sometimes multiple times even in the same hour. Do other people experience this? I did the same thing when I realized I was into girls and I've now got a girlfriend, so I'm thinking that the wishy washy-ness doesn't necessarily mean I'm not trans, just that I'm confused and trying to come to terms with my identity being different after 23 years of living as a girl because society told me I'm a girl. I also think part of my problem is for the past year or so I haven't had much contact with friends; I've been pretty lonely and I wonder if my isolation hasn't made me a bit neurotic, making me over think things that are better left alone.
Does this make sense? Thoughts? I know this is something I'll likely talk to a therapist about eventually, but I probably won't have a chance to see a therapist until next month at the earliest, and a month can be a long time when your mental health isn't as great as it could be.
Hey, so to answer your question i didn't go back and forth but that doesn't mean that's weird or anything. I personally think (from experience) that being isolated can make one overthink things--this happens to me a lot. So I think getting some emotional fresh air might help you. PM me if you want!
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Your description isn't clear as to where you think you are and what you feel. The word trans could be transsexual or transgender. If you are transsexual, your feelings shouldn't be wandering around but if you are transgender, you might be in the non binary and I would suspect fluid or bigender. It could be that you are much more male and a transition would put you in a more comfortable position but you are not solidly male. I have three links for you to explore and if they don't feel right, I have it wrong as this is for you to decide.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,202966.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,201219.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,196073.0.html
Dana,
Thank you so much for the links. The discussions in them are resonating me and answering some questions while creating some others, but overall helping clear up some confusion. I'm sorry my description isn't clear; I'll try to revise it tomorrow morning with fresh eyes.
But I guess by going back and forth, I mean that some days I feel that I am trans -- that I want to take hormones and have surgeries to transition to male, but then sometimes I tell myself I'm just "being weird." I don't necessarily believe I'm "being weird," but I tell myself that because it's what other people tell me. I try to make myself believe I actually am female and I'm just confused, even though when I really sit down and think about it, and answer questions regarding my gender, I know I'm a trans male and I want to transition. But I try to make myself believe I'm female, because that's what everyone is telling me I am, and part of me just wants to fit in with everyone else's idea of who I am.
I feel like I'm rambling and I'm so sorry. I admit I've been mentally fatigued the past few weeks, dealing with certain things. I'm not sure if I'm making sense or not.
Quote from: kk on March 17, 2016, 12:15:45 AM
Dana,
Thank you so much for the links. The discussions in them are resonating me and answering some questions while creating some others, but overall helping clear up some confusion. I'm sorry my description isn't clear; I'll try to revise it tomorrow morning with fresh eyes.
But I guess by going back and forth, I mean that some days I feel that I am trans -- that I want to take hormones and have surgeries to transition to male, but then sometimes I tell myself I'm just "being weird." I don't necessarily believe I'm "being weird," but I tell myself that because it's what other people tell me. I try to make myself believe I actually am female and I'm just confused, even though when I really sit down and think about it, and answer questions regarding my gender, I know I'm a trans male and I want to transition. But I try to make myself believe I'm female, because that's what everyone is telling me I am, and part of me just wants to fit in with everyone else's idea of who I am.
I feel like I'm rambling and I'm so sorry. I admit I've been mentally fatigued the past few weeks, dealing with certain things. I'm not sure if I'm making sense or not.
I think I'm at the same point. A few months ago when I realized many of my issues in terms of my sexuality were related to my gender identity, I thought I was a TG woman all the way. I think now I'm doubting that & wondering if I fall more into the non-binary category instead. Just to illuminate a little more, I have lived my whole life as a masculine male, & I don't hate my life. The problem is that I've come to realize that mentally/sexually I am female, & I have always desired a female body, though I'm not sure I feel 100% female outside of my sexuality. It's hard to piece together, but I don't think it's a necessity to try & piece it together. The reality is that many times we search for a category that we fit our perception of ourselves into, without realizing that there are no predestined categories at all. Your desires are your desires, you don't need to beat yourself up over trying to find a category that you fit into. Just being is enough.
Hopefully that made sense.
I'm an over thinker too and transition and gender were pretty much always on my mind, nonstop, and boy, did I ever go back and forth. I am, I ain't, I'm this, I'm that. This went on for a long time, over a yr at least.
So no, I don't think it's abnormal to question or doubt being trans. It is a pretty big thing you know, realizing that you are trans and all the time, money, consequences that can come from it (if decide to transition).. It's a life changer. And it's like, you wanna be absolutely sure cuz some things you can't undo once you do (ex, coming out, changes from hrt, surgeries). But if you haven't lived that way (as opp gender), and haven't gone thru transition, how do you know what it's really like, how do you know that that's what you want, what you'd like? How's it gonna turn out for me? And on and on and on..
I guess what worked for me was just taking things slow, baby steps, trial and error. I knew everything involved in transition from being here but I tried to just focus on a few things. In my case, I always hated facial hair, hated shaving, figured might as well start on that. If I flipped later, no biggie, wouldn't miss it. Already was trying grow hair longer so kept at it, letting it get longer slowly over time, slowly adding more time in between hair appointments. Already had done herbals for awhile to give me some curves (feminize self) so pursued hrt (which took forever to get!)(all pre any trans knowledge..ya, still doubted self...silly me). That's kinda as far as I'd let myself think. Figured I'd tackle the rest if/when they came up.
I guess my best piece of advice would be to just take things slow, listen to and trust yourself, and experiment. Don't worry about labels, don't worry about what people may think (cuz how can you possibly know in advance?), just do what you think will make you more comfortable, make you happy, cuz that's really all that matters.
I relate to all this quite a bit. Definately been in a fog over it all the last few months so its reassuring to hear that it's a common experience. LivingTheDream, what herbals are these you speak of? And did they actually work?
:police: There are two stickies about herbals in several of the sections including HRT. The products carry a much greater risk of health complications and discussion isn't permitted.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,19242.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133675.0.html
:police:
Quote from: kk on March 17, 2016, 12:15:45 AM
Dana,
Thank you so much for the links. The discussions in them are resonating me and answering some questions while creating some others, but overall helping clear up some confusion. I'm sorry my description isn't clear; I'll try to revise it tomorrow morning with fresh eyes.
Don't worry about the description not being clear. Much of my work on the site is finding people who are indecisive and move them around a bit until things clear up. If people had everything worked out, there wouldn't be a need for me or the site. Don't expect to solve this over night because it will take time but hopefully I can help you speed things up a bit by providing the information you are missing.