Myself, I'm kinda of an outlier of a sorts, been on hrt for 3 years and change, and I feel fine, but lately, within the past month or so, I have become more emotional of sorts, such as taking a mental day off from work, just because some female coworkers frazzle me with their conversations, it never ever used to happen pre hrt before, but lately it has. Due to circumstance in my life/work/school, I have to present as much as a male mode that I can, its worked so far. How do some people who are bigendered, at least mentally and physically, but under wraps, maintain mental sanity in this situation? Any suggestions? and yes, I'm seeing gender therapists, but would like feedback from the rest of the world here? Balance between male and female interaction?, since I know I'm not the first guinea pig to venture into this...
Lucia,
I guess I was in the month leading up to going full time. Being part time Grace and part time dude mode was making me really confused and wanting even more to go full time. I ended up shortening my original time line to going full time, couldn't stand being in dude mode a minute longer.
I have to keep being a "girl" around my family and parents and the outside world (basically everyone except my friends and the internet). I just remind myself that I'm a boy as much as things can bother me. I keep it in mind that someday this will all just pass and that I have to keep fighting and moving forward in order to be who I want to be
@SonadoraXVX: The closer I got to transition, the harder it was to change back to boy-mode when it was time to go to work. That seems to be standard for most people. As far as needing mental health days, that's part of the process, too. If I was giving advise, which I'm not, I'd say keep your eye on your current goal. When that's achieved, focus on the next one. Nothing comes quickly, and this has never, ever been easy.
All the best.
I'm intersex and agender, though I identify as a woman because in society you pick one or the other, I try not to think about it, but when I do I look at it as "Hey I'm unique, and I can be proud of it. There's nothing wrong with the way I am and I'm still the same person I've always been"
What I have found on HRT is that the urgent desire to dress and publicly-socially transition has subsided a lot. So presently I don't really view myself in male mode or female mode at different times but rather in me mode all the time. Since clothing has become an insignificant thing for me being in me mode all the time makes me happy and is stress free.
Sapere Aude
Yes I live in two worlds but the would of the male side is coming to an end. Since I came out there hasn't been a day that goes by that my female side adds more and more in to my life. I can now do lip stick with no problems. I have more panties then boxers. I can walks in heels and I love it.
Yea, the divide for me gets weird. For me, I've been on hrt for the past 3 years, 3 months, and I'm still read as male so far(even though I have noticed a few guys kinda stare and blink, with a wtf stare aka curious stare, and then look away), plus I'm 47, started hrt at 44, low dosing, but the problem I'm encountering, is my emotions, I've started noticing I'm getting sarcasm and more microaggressions from females at work, but females out in the world, could give a poop. I'm wondering, if I'm tuned in more to females and their emotions, but this late on hrt?, its kinda weird. I never thought of myself as hypermasculine, well yea and no, i'm a vet, but still <fudge>, wonder if I'm more sensitive to the microaggressions on hrt, or are females reading me differently. Just curious what other responses are...
This is starting to rankle me a bit...
Quote from: SonadoraXVX on March 17, 2016, 07:00:04 PM
How do some people who are bigendered, at least mentally and physically, but under wraps, maintain mental sanity in this situation? Any suggestions?
Hugs Lucia. That was the hardest period of my transition - when I was male most of the time. I went out with wig and makeup as Suzi every couple weeks or so. I joined a couple clubs as my female self so soon I had some friends who knew me only as Suzi where the rest of the world knew me only as <dead name>. I kept myself going by looking forward to the time that I would be Suzi all the time, and it did not disappoint.
Quote from: diane 2606 on March 17, 2016, 10:18:27 PM
@SonadoraXVX: The closer I got to transition, the harder it was to change back to boy-mode when it was time to go to work. That seems to be standard for most people...
Yes, this. Every time I take off my fake breasts to return to male-mode, it feels like I'm ripping off a vital part of me.
I'm in male mode this week due to doing major work around the house (have no old female clothes yet, wardrobe too new!). I hate it.
Weirdest part was last night. I hadn't shaved in over a day and saw myself in the mirror. I've only been openly dressing for the past few months. Yet seeing myself in the mirror that way confuse me. My face looked dirty; very dirty, and wrong. I used to love growing a beard.
I imagine the confusion will get worse as time goes on, can't wait for hrt.
For about 4 years I lived part-time female pretty much only presenting male for work. It is emotionally draining after a while. Many to most of my support group members went through what turned out to be a far shorter period of part-timing then anticipated. They easily reached the "F'it" point and went full-time. TBH, I teetered on the edge of that point quite a few times. Unlike them I did not have as strong as a need to PLUS I had other needs on the male side far outweighing the female side.
When I started this journey of healing some 7 years ago my primary goal was to find some way to get the male and female aspects of myself to live in harmony. I saw that beating one down keeping her locked away was ruining my life, ruining my soul. Transitioning to full-time was off the table, been there tried it twice before. Low dose HRT helped resetting me emotionally in the past and worked again. This last time low dose turning into feminizing as my coequal side blossomed. As I finally began feeling good being "Me"
Years ago I worked as male in one town & lived as myself in another town 65 miles away. The commute was terrible but it was so worth it to enjoy being Francis Ann a very nice woman. I had a completely feminine apartment, so pretty & so enjoyed dating some very nice men, enjoying life.
Great responses ladies, I very much appreciate them :)
Quote from: Ms Grace on March 17, 2016, 07:30:21 PM
I guess I was in the month leading up to going full time. Being part time Grace and part time dude mode was making me really confused and wanting even more to go full time. I ended up shortening my original time line to going full time, couldn't stand being in dude mode a minute longer.
My feelings exactly during my last month or two prior to going full-time. Polishing nails and then applying nail-polish remover multiple times a day was just ONE thing that reminded me that I NEEDED to go full-time inside of a month o two -- and I DID! :) :) :)
I lived 3 years on HRT and lived as a male.. I watched my style in what I wore get more androgenous and I started letting my hair get long....eventually into a pony tail. ..my shoes changed, tight trousers, very clear face. That helped me gradually feel more comfortable ....though many gay men hit on me. I kinda enjoy the memory of those times. But always wanted to be fully female ....just had to cope
I've come out to everyone but work. Weekends and evenings I get to be me. But the 70 hour commute and work week in boy mode are so hard, and I can't come out at work for potentially 18 more months!!! :( needless to say, I'm betting against me.
Thank you for asking this question. I started low dose HRT about 9 months ago. I'm still present as male but letting my hair grow a little longer and wavy. That feels good but that's about it for now. Still struggling with not being able to transition. This post helps.
Thank you!
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Oh Lucia, this is a beautiful thread.
I am non/pre (don't know yet) transition, living at work and in community groups as male but at home and out shopping, I'm as female as I can be. Right now I need to get a paper done but can't stop thinking about the Swarovski clip-ons that are supposed to come today, the shoes and dresses I want to order and the prospect of getting my ears done later this year. The big block on that is that I may have to interview for a big promotion and don't want to show up with piercing studs and just writing about it makes me start to feel like I'm about to cry. Taking my breast pads out yesterday to go for a walk with my family hurt but I hadn't shaved and didn't want to look like a weirdo, at least I wore very girlie jeans, a blouse, and a pink running jacket and afterwards my wife danced with me and took the lead. Tomorrow, I have to go to work, I'll have to wear men's business casual, put on a tie and at some point during the day put on a sports coat for an important meeting, I won't be in the least bit pretty. At least I can relax when I get home. Wednesday will be even harder because when I get home from work, I can't change into girl clothes or put on my earrings because I have a Scout meeting and I'm not out to the parents in my boy's den. The whole thing is just very painful and at the same time, I really wish I could be comfortable just going back and forth and being a man when I need to socially. I hope maybe I can get there, there's really no need for me to have the parents in Boy Scouts accept me as a woman. But right now I so long to be one that I can hardly bear it. I just thank the universe that I'm so fortunate as to live in a liberal state and work for the government where there's a chance I'll at least be tolerated and possibly accepted if I do eventually come out at work and community. I cry every time I hear about girls (and guys) who aren't so fortunate.
Thank you again Lucia for starting this wonderful thread. Many big hugs for you and all the girls out there in this situation. I love you all so much.
Love,
DeeDee
I'm in a weird position of being out to pretty much everyone, including work, but I still present male. The main reason is my home situation. Someone needs to be here and take care of my elderly father and he's not very understanding of my transition. I don't expect him to totally "get it", but it would be nice if he could at least accept that I want to wear wigs as my own hair grows out.
I thought I would be ok for at least a couple years presenting as a male... I'm at least trying to find a way to be more androgynous. My dad's having a hard time even accepting that. People at work are amazing and very supportive which is nice, but I should be able to feel safe in my own home, which I don't.
Since upping my dosages, I've noticed I am starting to see changes more quickly (big surprise /sarcasm) :) My sister said I should have my dad come to one of my therapy sessions with me and have my therapist work as a mediator. I'm just scared he's going to see this as an ambush. He's got that old school mentality that therapy is just a waste of time.
Maybe he'll come around. At least he hasn't told me to strap down my boobs again. And I know that they are noticeable so he's kind of accepted that... I think.
I'm out half and half, and have been living partially male and partially female for 5 years. I'll just say now, it's pure hell.
Because I'm not fully out, I don't earn the respect of using the right pronouns. Nobody has asked my preferred name. It's become a taboo, and rumours have started everywhere about me. People come up to me and ask things. It just sucks. If you're gonna come out, do it all at once, or in a short time period. I'm sick of my situation, and wish I did.
Quote from: schwarzwalderkirschtort on March 23, 2016, 06:38:19 AM
I'm out half and half, and have been living partially male and partially female for 5 years. I'll just say now, it's pure hell.
Because I'm not fully out, I don't earn the respect of using the right pronouns. Nobody has asked my preferred name. It's become a taboo, and rumours have started everywhere about me. People come up to me and ask things. It just sucks. If you're gonna come out, do it all at once, or in a short time period. I'm sick of my situation, and wish I did.
I agree with you that this works well for many people. I went full-time by changing countries and developing mostly new friends who have known me only as female. So when I went full-time 24 / 7 it was a bit easier me. Although, some of my trans friends just dressed out female walking out the front door one day and have never dressed male since. Indeed there is a lot to be said for this approach. xx
I'm something of a 70/30 out, with only a few trusted people at work knowing. My job has a pretty good non-discrimination policy and support structure but I get a vibe from my boss that it isn't completely safe. If I haven't become a self-sufficient author when my HRT isn't easy to disguise anymore I'll have to take the chance.
I get to spend my days off and evenings as Ally even though I spend about thirty hours a week as <deadname>
Hi Guys and Girls
Now I am full time living as a Woman I had a discussion with the Wife where she stated that she missed her Husband and We agreed to try having a few Date nights where I would tone down the Girly and TRY to look like a male for her ."what a disaster " I felt so dysphoric and uncomfortable all evening so much so that she noticed and asked "what's wrong " and did not like the answer . We gave up on that idea quite quickly because even though I was willing to try for her sake I really did not feel at all comfortable in even slightly male clothing and she could see that . That was when all My Male clothing went in the dustbin never to be seen again . I am sorry for My Wife that I could not do it for Her But The deep and profound feeling of rightness I feel when dressed as a female after 60 Years of feeling wrong means that I can never ever go Back to being HIM
Due to not having my name changed yet, many people such as clients or landlords see my birth name and unless I want to risk having the "hey I'm trans" conversation" I am left to present or let people assume that I'm female. Also I am not out to most of my family, because after the fiasco my mother did, I just want to recover from it properly and bide some time until I am ready for even worse reactions.
I just try to get it over with as soon as I can and then talk to my partner who is very very accepting and will point out what a lovely man I am. It's important to surround yourself with people who accept you. If not, there is always your best friend - you! Walk up to a mirror and tell yourself that you see a lovely person and state your gender in front to make sure it's banged into your head.
I never did have a girl mode or a boy mode... there was just me mode and that was difficult because obviously there have always been people who thought that was non conformity, that I was "quirky", "weird", "strange" etc. I've been hearing that since I was a small child and don't care about it, so hopefully that's my dues paid and I can continue to be "weird" in relative peace.
An interesting thread that I must have missed when I was away travelling internationally. From a review of my posts you will see that I have transitioned once before, some 30 years ago and lived full time as a woman in the United Kingdom in the mid 1980's. I was only forced to de-transition through social stigma and the fact that I lost my job and lost my support network. Then the UK was not such as TG friendly country as it is today. Then out of the blue my former male self got head hunted to a top job in Australia. So I moved to Oz!. Over the years I have had a lot of HRT and I was a DES child as well, so I have always had very low T and female features. These days (I have been back on HRT for nearly 3 years), I am sort of a bit in limbo land. Basically I probably spend 85% -90% of my time as Judith only reverting to my male self (or more probably best described as androgynous self) about 10% of the time mostly through work. But it is emotionally draining. Luckily these days I sort of travel between Australia and the United Kingdom , as I have a property in both locations and when in the UK, I am 100% living as Judith. Funnily enough though after being on HRT for nearly 3.5 years this time, because of the dysphoria breakouts as the effects of the low dosage wears off thus my increased dosage has pushed me over into the full transition mode - such that my feminine body shape curves are very much more evident and (when dressed properly as many women tell me) I blend in very well. But the HRT has also quelled the Dysphoria and my male libido that in fact unless I am going out socially as Judith, I really have no urgency or need to dress other than as very androgynously. So yes switching is a strain, but these days if I need to go out to the Supermarket, I feel naked unless wearing lipstick and mascara. I wouldn't be venturing outside in my male garb unless I absolutely had to for work reasons. Mind you even that is getting difficult for me as what few male clothes that I still own are becomingly increasingly difficult to fit me whereas Skirts, dresses and blouses just fit perfectly.
Judith
I'm male online and female in the real world. I deal with it by keeping those two lives very separate. Sometimes I feel like Hannah Montana.
Anyways, Being male online has helped me a lot. I figure being seen as male half of the time is better than being seen as female all of the time.
Quote from: T.K.G.W. on April 02, 2016, 01:59:53 PM
I never did have a girl mode or a boy mode... there was just me mode and that was difficult because obviously there have always been people who thought that was non conformity, that I was "quirky", "weird", "strange" etc. I've been hearing that since I was a small child and don't care about it, so hopefully that's my dues paid and I can continue to be "weird" in relative peace.
I would say that I also tend to fall into this category though most people have seen me as an odd female while I would prefer to be seen as an odd man. (large breasts tend to make people see a woman even if everything else says the opposite).
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Yes, I definitely live in two worlds. The split is really odd, though.
I head off to therapy, medical appointments, and electrolysis presenting as myself, with a bit of padding where HRT hasn't had a chance to work yet, and a wig matching my natural hair color to cover the severe pattern baldness. While I'm out, I'll do grocery shopping, get gas for the car, maybe grab breakfast or lunch, occasionally do other shopping, just routine 'getting on with life' stuff. I don't recall being misgendered, and only rarely have I gotten those 'funny looks', as this region is relatively accepting and safe compared to much of 'Western Civilization.'
At home, in private, I have to cross-dress, presenting as male, definitely against my gender identity (and neurology! I've seen the high-res MRI of my brain. It's a girl. ;D ), but in alignment with the bits between my legs :P . When I arrive home, I have to check for strange vehicles in our driveway and drive past if someone is there (one of my wife's friends, say). If I can pull into the garage safely, I am to close the garage door before I get out of my little car, then text the wife that I am in the garage. Once she has sequestered herself safely away from the scary transmonster, I get a text that I can enter. I go directly to the master bathroom, and text her when I am in there with the door closed. I have to change at once, scrubbing off all traces of makeup, putting the wig back on it's stand and locking that away in my wig case. Off with my jewelry and pretty things, and back in jeans and polo shirt. I can wear my briefs and tank top under the jeans and shirt, as long as the collar is buttoned so nothing shows. I've gotten away with my Gloria Vanderbilt jeans and occasionally my little black low-top sneakers, but that's about the limit.
How do I handle it? Poorly.
I'm supposed to be happy that I've gotten to spend a couple hours as myself, and should be happy and willing to step back into my cell and pull the barred door shut. I'm selfish for wanting to be myself for a few hours. I resent being the one who has to do all the cooking, cleaning, maintenance, repairs, handle finances, and provide concierge services, all while cross-dressed as male.
I hate saying "I love you" and never hearing anything in return. I hate the look of loathing or contempt I get when I inform my wife of an upcoming appointment. I hate being told I should be grateful for what I have. I hate being told that I look handsome, or am doing well 'for a man my age'.
She's only known about this side of me for four months, but there's been no effort to understand or communicate with me about what I'm going through. She refuses to even look at the little APA brochure on transgender persons. I'm out to her and my daughter who lives with us, but she doesn't want me to come out to my other adult children. She says she is worried that they won't be as accepting as she is. ???
My therapist can't figure out why the heck I'm still married. Neither can I. It's like an old habit I'm stuck in.
I'm afraid I'm likely to do something really selfish in the near future, like want to have a life.
Quote from: Michelle_P on July 21, 2016, 09:38:36 AM
I hate saying "I love you" and never hearing anything in return. I hate the look of loathing or contempt I get when I inform my wife of an upcoming appointment. I hate being told I should be grateful for what I have. I hate being told that I look handsome, or am doing well 'for a man my age'.
That sounds like living in Hell.
I used to have a seriously swaggering and foul mouthed male mode. That was largely overcompensation and part of playing a role in the Army that I let last way too long. Now I simply try to feel unstressed and comfortable that is one world in between two others. I'm sure that people think I am weird but I don't care. Anyway, people are all friendly and I get along great with everyone at work.
I've lived in two worlds my whole life,took me yrs to develop a male persona,to most of the world I'm male,but in private I balance both sides so not to overwhelm my wife. I've gotten used to it.
I'm in this situation. At work, I go by my male name and I dress masculine on the days I work from the office instead of home. The rest of the time, I dress normally (femme) and and everyone knows me by my femme name. The result is that I still have trouble remembering or answering to my femme name or using the right pronouns. And I have a hard time feeling real anywhere. I still have a few months before I plan to go full-time; I'm hoping it will get easier when I do.
Great topic - I definitely live in both worlds and it took me decades to figure out how to mostly thrive.
First, I get a lot of pleasure out of both parts of my life.
I've tuned my male life to be pretty accepting of my androgyny.
I've had an androgynous hair cut for 4+ years, dress pretty androgynously at home and work. Have my body and facial hair increasingly under control thanks to wax, laser, and electro (depending on the area :-)).
I don't try to "butch it up" nor do I think about suppressing any feminine expression. I just live in the moment and it's worked out ok both at work and at home.
My female life is different, but I love that too. I get to be Christine one or two days/evenings a month, which is less than I'd like but not horribly so. If I weren't working AND I weren't married, the Christine time would go up a lot - not sure if it would be 100%. I work at a very accepting company - I just can't fathom doing my job as Christine. My wife is moderately accepting, but unless it was killing me otherwise, I'm fine giving her a male spouse.
As Christine, I need to more consciously suppress any maleness in my walk, mannerisms, or overall expression. I also am pretty isolated as Christine - I only go out in public, but I don't have any social life, friends, or intimacy. I haven't really gotten close to anyone yet.