A male stranger discovered me from a profile I had written six years ago. I had no idea the profile was still on the internet and have, since, tried to remove it. He liked my words.... For a week, we shared thoughts, feelings and dreams as we both agreed, due to the fact we lived in different states, that the chances of our meeting were, as he put it, "slim to nil." As his letters got longer and longer, I realized that he, despite the agreement not to meet, was investing a lot of time in writing to me. While some say that we should only "out" ourselves if someone becomes intimate, I feel that wasting someone's time, if you care about them, is just as appropriate a reason. Our talk was never, contrary to what you might think, sexual in nature. We agreed, from the beginning, to never share personal ID-type info. We are both philosophical and enjoy examining life. Nevertheless, I feel that despite our agreement to never meet, people who are romantic in nature (those who see the glass half-full), can have hidden hopes. He at one point, mentioned "putting his arm around me" in a comforting way. Friends can do that, but who knows what his dreams are? He may not even know himself.
So, I sent him this "out" letter as an INTRODUCTION to the real me. Tears fell as I wrote this last night:
Thank you for your "part 1" -- I feel I must write before you write further... With every letter of yours, I sense you are a kind, compassionate and intelligent person. I've always strived to be those three things, also. Rather than respond to specifics in your letter, I have to confess that I feel weight on me. You state at the end of your email, "If we don't address issues directly, we just tend to make things worse." Stating things directly, of course, has risk. I've told you that I feel guilt about wasting your time and you've responded that you enjoy our talks. Striving to soothe my guilt, I pointed out that you initiated our discussions and even suggested that we write on a weekly-rate. We've both agreed on no-expectations and I've suggested in my letters that friendship, to me, is more desirable. In part, that's because I see little chance for another "love" in my life. Believe me, it's not pessimism: Though I'm romantic in notion - that the best is yet to be - I can also be a realist. Sadly, my past has, so far, sealed my future fate.
Contrarily, when my ex worried that another love wasn't possible, I said optimistically that even people who are missing arms or legs have found love. I initiated the split-up -- the insults towards me, while I know were in trying to protect me, became a horrible lifestyle. We were both very upset when we broke up. I questioned if I was losing the love of my life but, at the same time, also knew that we were different people with different needs. I fell deeply in love two times in the first two years after my split-up. They professed their love for me. We were totally honest with one another and I think they truly did love me. Until they left.
In many ways, you and I share the same values, philosophies, interests and dreams but that may not be enough to keep our friendship. My closest friends see my value in this world and in their lives. I know that I have talent in being able to express my thoughts and feelings. People have told me that I'm a good writer. I've said to you that writing helps me to define my life, examine it, and give it meaning. Whether you choose to continue our "talks" is in your court.
What I am, people have killed. Murdered. With malice.
We've discussed that society has a need for conformity. All things that do not conform must be spit out. Put in the garbage. To bigots, that garbage would be me. I am a popular joke to society. Comics use what I am to get guaranteed laughter. I am a post-operation male to female transsexual. There -- I've said it. The people in a film group I belong to understand my life because they've known me and have appreciated me and my work over the years. People around the U.S. have enjoyed my video documentaries and have even called them "precious." Yes, I also worked as an editor at a Hollywood studio but architecture, not mass-media cop shows, is my true love.
I have lived most of my life, 48 years, as a person who knew from birth that I was a woman. Yes, it's a comic's joke but it also happens to be true. There are many medical studies going on trying to find the "reason" for transsexuals. Some studies note that the brain and body of a baby develop at different times. If the hormonal "soup" in the womb is different from one thing to the next, the body can end up one way and the body another. Of course, all people, male and female, start as female.
Other studies have shown that, in dead transsexuals, the gender part of the brain is the same size in my brain as in any woman's brain. In males, that part of the brain is larger.
Others point to children who have mixed genitalia at birth. Some doctors and parents have secretly agreed, at birth, to make the male genitalia disappear because it's an easier thing to do, surgically. Creating a penis is not possible. Unfortunately, there is a high statistical rate for these "women" to feel, as they grow up, that they are men. There was a 20/20 episode about this problem. It depicted how the parents, in most of these cases, eventually admit to the child that a doctor did gender surgery when they were born. Suddenly it's an "Aha!" moment for the child. That's why they felt like they were in the wrong body for so long! Most then elect to "transition."
For 21 years, I was married to a woman who, like you, had a Jewish background. When I transitioned, she was very worried that I didn't understand prejudice as she did. In her past, she'd told me how she would be upset if her parents put anything "Jewish" into the front window at Christmastime. She didn't want her friends finding out. One time, a friend let her wear a Christian cross at a school day-trip to Olverra Street and she admits that she felt happy at the time. She felt that she "belonged." She admits that she wanted to be like everyone else -- not different.
She felt that, by transitioning from male to female, I didn't properly understand society's bigotry. She claims that she was trying to "protect me" but there is a part of me, still, that wonders if she really just feared losing her lifestyle. I'm sure that she thought I'd lose my job, lose my friends and family and become terribly depressed. Contrarily, I was able to continue working as an editor for many years and I kept my friends and family. My family, as I've said, is intelligent and not prone to stereotyping people or blindly following cultural "values." Over time, I've actually gained gay friends who had ignored me up to that point in my life. Most say that being female is much more suited to the true "me" inside. I'm not, as you might guess, the panzy-ish stereotype that some think of when they hear "transsexual." I don't wear dresses or heels and I choose to wear casual attire that is worn by women of my age. If anything, I've resisted wearing overtly "feminine" clothing because, to me, it would be like matching people's stereotype of transsexuals.
Just so you know, most single transsexuals face my dilemma: You meet people and, at some point, you feel you need to tell them about your past. Usually people like me wait until it seems like a relationship has the possibility of being serious. If we told every new person we met immediately about our past, all we would accomplish is watch people walk away. Strangers on the street, 100% of the time, treat me as what they see -- a female. Sometimes, in the morning, I'll need to answer the door and so I quickly throw on pants and a t-shirt. The delivery people always refer to me as "ma'am" and that, of course, makes me smile.
After my ex and I split up, I tried dating both men and women. Though society paints a picture that we're different, my suspicion is that a lot of the differences are nurture rather than nature. I found, as I told you, that most of the men were simply interested in sex. I found that puzzling. I thought that men would rebel against that stereotype -- as I had when I played the "role" of man. Why would men want to be simple caricatures rather than the people who had created incredibly insightful love songs and stories? I also began to worry about being assaulted. I had no desire to end up hanging on a barbed-wire fence, dead. Many American men have deep societally-created homophobia. In addition to hatred that they might feel towards me, I also wanted to avoid giving them grief. Though I'm very "passable" as a woman, I know that men would torture themselves about being with me. It wouldn't be fair to them. I know that most would think, "How could I not sense this? Is there something wrong with me?" The truth for them is difficult to accept: The fault is neither with them or me. They didn't suspect my being anything but a female because, truthfully, I am and have always been female.
Dating women, I found, felt both safer and more of a possibility. If a woman found out my male past, I just don't think it would be as complicated a dilemma for them as it is for men. Many lesbians have dated men in their past and so there wouldn't be that disgust or embarassment-factor (eeeeeww!) that men seem to feel.
There are gender incidents that I experienced which I found interesting -- it's funny how men and women are treated differently. As a "guy," I was ignored by guards when I entered the studio. Now, as a woman, I found that they smiled and talked with me as I entered. It felt like I was going from being treated like a "nobody" to a "somebody." Female to male transsexuals have told me they've experience exactly the opposite -- suddenly, they feel like non-entities.
There's more (gee, that sounds like infomercial jargon, lol). I've come to realize, though, that some people leave and some people stay when I tell my tale.
I'm sorry if, as I feared, I've been a waste of your time. Obviously, you were on a dating site to hopefully find a date. And, unfortunately, I'm the proverbial joke of the internet. That's why I've stopped dating. Most transsexuals and their psychologists consider what we have to be a "birth defect" that is, unfortunately, only correctable by surgery. My brain cannot be changed. It's one of the few medical conditions that society deems appropriate for humor. My friends see, in me, someone with a warm heart -- someone who is worth knowing. Someday, perhaps, I'll find my lifetime companion. In the meantime, I enjoy the friends I have.
The choice to simply be a friend of mine or not is yours. I again, if you wish, have no problem with conversing on a weekly basis. Perhaps, that would add to the chances of our having a longer friendship. As we've discussed, internet friendships seem to rise quickly and die quickly. It can, of course, be a very superficial place.
If the choice is to not continue, I understand. I'm sorry for your wasted time and there is no need to explain. I wish you well. I've enjoyed our "talks."
Teri Anne
-------------Since that time:
He wrote to me the next morning, stating that he wished to continue our "talks." A part of me just wants to crawl back in my hole. While I voiced the thought in Susan's that "I've declared victory" and that "I'm ready for my parade," there seem to always be times when I'm pulled back to that transsexual war. I want a life as a woman. Can I ever leave my past in the past?
I know that many in Susan's will advise me to keep quiet about my past unless there is the possibility of sexual intimacy. In the past, I have always made that my determining factor on whether to "out" myself. But this guy is nice and I felt guilt in his investing an hour or more in writing to me.
While I was worried about him, I confess that I'm tired of "out" letters or "out" talks. I haven't had one in five years. Yet here I am, back in the trenches.
Teri Anne
Wow, how cordial and explanatory can one be? If somebody cannot find some compassion in that then perhaps they were not worth getting into the trenches for anyhow. I'd be interested to read his thoughts on the matter. Don't leave us hanging.
I can imagine that somebody you are writing with comes closser somehow.
And sometimes , only in special cases, it just feel more than right to share some things about yourself that are making you who you are.
I do admire your letter and I think it's beautiful you did get that respond by him :)
Hi, Teri,
You wrote a beautiful letter, complete in every way, holding nothing back.
When we get together you'll see that you are far prettier than I am, and you might even wonder how I get on as well as I do.
I just don't care what others think, that's all.
Were I post-op at my age, 56, I wouldn't have said a word about my surgery. If it is true that no one can tell the difference between a vagina and a neo-vagina, I would not bring mine to anyone's attention. As a woman I am past childbearing years so that leaves pregnancy, or lack of it, as a moot point. Vaginal dryness? I'd be in that club, too.
I will have the surgery in the belief that no one knows for sure except my surgeon and my soulmate and lifepartner. We're both M to F and that, for us, is a God-send.
Teri, you are a feminine woman as far as I can see. Enjoy it! After all, isn't that what you always sought, to be included with the other 152,000,000 women in America?
The fellow with whom you have been corresponding seems to be a nice guy and a gentleman and I hope that you enjoy corresponding with him. As for being the butt of jokes, I suppose that not going to the Comedy Factory or watching the Comedy Channel helps me. When someone screws-up about my gender I confront it with whatever measured response I deem proper. My favorite reply to hearing someone address me in the wrong gender is either, "What did you say?," repeated until he feels like a fool, or as I do in a store, "Psssst, hey guy, I don't see any other guys at this counter besides you. Do you?"
I am making this journey to realize that finally, I am 100% of the woman that I was born to be and I'm not about to let anyone deprive me of the wonderment that I have seen thus far. I won't leave until I get what I came for.
Please consider why you made the journey and find the joy and fun in being you. You know that you are a woman so please continue to be the best woman that you can be and please, enjoy yourself!
Cindy has asked me to tell you that she will write to you later. She's stuck for words right now.
With many (((((HUGGZ))))) for you,
Paula
Hi, Teri Anne,
That was a very sobering letter you wrote and another little piece of Teri Anne falls into place.
I always love those whom I come close to, fiercely. I share my heart with them and then one day "their ship leaves the port" never to be seen again by me. That is a hard thing to handle, especially if one gets hurt by it. Losing a good friend is a hurt that goes deep.
I have my Soul Mate, a pre-op M to F, and I thank God and every saint in Heaven for having had the good fortune of meeting her. I certainly cannot picture in my mind living the rest of my life alone, no thanks. I do hope that it turns out that your friend loves you enough so that he will wish to continue the relationship with you. I believe that if he does decide on this course of action he will be wanting to meet you in person.
I am here hon, just let me be your friend. As i have mentioned before, I have had many friends come and go, both in real life and on the net. The greatest reward I have appreciated the most were those, no mater however brief, these friendships were, when I was able to help them in any way I could in finding their way on their own journeys, this was gratifying enough of a reward. Cindy the midwife for my Soul Mate and oh goodness a whole mess of other people as well.
Cindy
Lori, you asked that I not leave you hanging. But, of course, unfinished things is a lot of what life is about. Life is rarely neat and I don't know as I will hear from him again. Let's face it, a lot of internet "friendships" are superficial and it's easy for the person on the other side of the keyboard to find something else to do if difficulty arises.
Paula, thanks for the kind words. I am honest with people in part because I regret the hurt I caused my ex and don't want to do anything like that again. Also, I note that on many dating sites people state they want "honesty." I feel tense whenever I read that sentence because I know the previous life I led and know how many in society react to that. When you're in a relationship with someone as you and Cindy are, I see no reason to "out" yourself to anyone. Maybe, someday, I'll reach that point.
Storm, I wouldn't put his response this morning in the "beautiful" column. He said he understood and thinks there is worth in our continuing to talk (send emails). I responded that I felt that we should not write long letters (some of these were taking over an hour for us each to write) every day. I brought up the movie "Same Time Next Year" and told him how the couple meet once a year and talk. As the years pass, fondness between them grows even though both of them are married. It is less about the fact that they're not married than the fact that they have great respect for one another. I told him that he should feel free to respond if he wishes this week but that I will respond this weekend. If I don't hear from him, I'll have invested less of my time and emotions.
Cindy, you said you cannot picture living alone the rest of your life. Sometimes, the cards don't come your way. And sometimes, you decide it's just not worth the possible hurt. My mother lived thirty years after my father died. I asked my mother once if she felt lonely, not having a husband. She said that she had her family. I know she had a lot of interests. She loved to read nonfiction books, as an example. She dated a little at first but then stopped. One man she met had a lot of kids and she saw that his life would always revolve more around them than her. My ex faced similar men when she dated after our split-up. When you get past fifty years old, people often get set in rigid habits. I've encountered many in my dating that have long lists of requirements that possible mates must meet. The requirements often start with, "I'd never date someone who is...." When I was a teen, life was simpler. My only requirement was love. Now, I realize more that couples can be cruel to one another and I, too, have probably formed my own list. Bottom line, though, I'm still the romantic I have always been. That doesn't mean that I'll ever find anyone. Many authors and song-writers have written with incredible heart regarding love but, for themselves, that great love has been elusive.
Cindy, I guess I'm like you in that I can't imagine being alone for the rest of my life. I'm trying new hobbies like sailing in hope of at least getting some new friends. And new friends can possibly lead to "the one."
One never knows.
Teri Anne
Posted on: October 16, 2007, 02:55:57 AM
LATE SUNDAY NIGHT, 11-21-07, UPDATE -
Some of you asked that I keep you informed as to what happened with the guy I sent my "out" letter to....Well, the guy who spent at least an hour composing each of five letters to me has not responded to my letter, sent late Friday night, 11-19-07. I had told him that I would write on Saturday and I that's when he presumably received it.
I've noticed that guys (and girls) get really excited when they first meet people online but run away at the first sign of trouble (usually my "out" letter). This has led me to feel that people I meet online, be it "friend" or "dating" websites, are flaky.
I'm not sure I'll do any better in person, should I meet a guy who might be my friend or something more. It is so ingrained in society that what I have done - transition - is radical-fringe type stuff that they feel no pangs of guilt when they run like hell. Oh, the world is becoming more tolerant but, in practice, I've found several doors (in literal terms) slammed in my face. They label this closure as MY fault. He, as much as told me in his last letter (which I didn't realize was going to be his last letter) on Monday, Oct. 15:
He wrote, "Putting ourselves out into the general public requires that we are clear as to our differences, so as to reduce the likelihood of creating discomfort for ourselves and others. We need to stick to our own kind, to reduce the shock factor." I had some hope that he would continue writing when he wrote, right after that: "I've got to get going now, but I will continue later. I just wanted to respond now, so you didn't have to wait and worry. Enjoy your day."
By Friday night, I hadn't heard from him, so I wrote:
"You and I will presumably never meet -- This affords us two possibilities: We can stop talking or we can share the possibilities of the chance to be honest with one another. If you can think of a better way for me to socialize and not "discomfort" others, feel free to tell me. I don't agree with your statement, "We need to stick to our own kind, to reduce the shock factor." My "kind," whether you agree or not, is women: Average, non-glamorous, hard-working, kind and caring women. These average women socialize with average women (if they're gay) or average men (if they're hetero). Like many, I would love to find my soulmate. Whether that turns out to be a man or woman, I can't say at this point. In terms of you and me, a caring friendship would be nice."
I asked him some questions in my Friday night email:
"(1) When should I reveal my past to a stranger (male OR female) who is a potential friend?
(2) Should I have been briefer in my "out" letter to you or is what I wrote appropriate? I guess I tend (no surprise here, lol) to like to talk and tell things about myself and this thing many of us call a "birth defect." If I had written on my second letter a brief note, "I need to reveal to you here that I'm a post op male to female transsexual. I hope we can continue to be friends." Is that all I should do? Would you have kept talking? My guess is that you wouldn't know anything of the stuff that impressed you about me and so stopping contact would have been very easy and logical. Now you know me, maybe you're not as likely to "write me off," lol.
(3) Should I keep the negativity out of my letter ("What I am, people have killed. With malice")? Pretty dramatic, huh? I guess I like to acknowledge that I'm more than just a delusional dreamer -- I know that I am is something many people hate. I don't want to seem "pie-in-the-sky" over something so serious. My best friend would like my "out" letter to sound more cheerful and positive. Sounding happy about transsexualism, to me, is unrealistic. It's like gays say: "I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy."
(4) Is my idea of our conversing once a week silly? The main reason I thought of doing it is that I didn't want you to put so much time and effort into letters to me. Also, I don't know as spending that much time on letters is good for either of us. Another thing -- we both can get busy in our "real" lives and I didn't want you or me to feel guilty about slowness in responding. Sometimes, a friend will tell me something time-critical and I have to remind them: I'm not online every day. If you want us to write whenever we feel like it, that's okay, too.
(5) Has reading my letters changed your opinion any of what transsexuals are? I sometimes think that many think we're the freaks that appear Jerry Springer. In truth, I think that many or most transsexuals are smarter than average people. Some have pushed the envelope with scientific developments. Many are creative. The composer for the music of the features, "A Clockwork Orange" and "The Shining" ended up being a transsexual. After the transition, she wrote the popular album, "Switched On Bach.""
SINCE THEN, AS OF 9:15 PM SUNDAY ----
He didn't respond to to the letter that I sent to him Friday night and I don't expect that he will.
I heard an entrepreneurial motivational speaker say recently that "if fifty people or companies think your business plan or great idea is rubbish, go to person number fifty-one. Persistence is everything. Those that give up will never be successful."
I suppose that's true but the door slamming against my foot can get a bit painful at times...
BOOM!
"Owww!"
Maybe, the next one.
Teri Anne
Hi Terri Ann
Just a short comment at this time.
Doors being slammed shut on my nose I have had plenty of in my life. It actually got better after I transitioned, made more friends and life just became so very interesting even before I met Paula. But meeting Paula has certainly enriched my life.
I never knew there were so many awesome things to discover, learn about and to grow with especially knowledge in discovering and knowing who me is as well as the world around me as well. And no, I wouldn't want to live alone again because it is so wonderful to have someone to share what ever I discover with my partner in each and every waking day.
Hun I couldn't even attempt to answer to all the hurts you have been through and I believe that if we could meet over a coffee would be a good way to share. Have you ever thought that maybe doing a few small changes to whom you present may be a much better way of finding the right person. I love life, sometimes it is like I am a child again learning what all little secrets the world reveals to me each day.
I have always been a small person before and after transition but for some reason I fear less of getting physically attacked now then I did before I came out.
No body had better try, or they could end up facing a very sore Paula in her jeep.
Cindy
Quote from Teri Anne
QuoteSINCE THEN, AS OF 9:15 PM SUNDAY ----
He didn't respond to to the letter that I sent to him Friday night and I don't expect that he will.
I heard an entrepreneurial motivational speaker say recently that "if fifty people or companies think your business plan or great idea is rubbish, go to person number fifty-one. Persistence is everything. Those that give up will never be successful."
I suppose that's true but the door slamming against my foot can get a bit painful at times...
BOOM!
"Owww!"
Maybe, the next one.
Teri Anne
Hi, Lady!
Sometimes the best treatment for the pain of a "sore foot" is to cry. Crying can bring the admission of closure and ease the pain. It's not easy or pleasant but I have found it helps.
I lost someone with whom I was not extremely close. We were actually intertwined. I was 18 and I believed that I had found the love of my life and I lived my life accordingly. I had to end it and it would have felt better amputating my own arm.
I was 18 and she was 17. I went to boot camp and she saw me through it. I was with her when I took leave between duty stations.
There was a great possibility that I would not be there for the important times in her last year of high school, like the Starlet's Ball and the Senior Prom and all of the other activities that I wanted to be a part of but sailors have very little to say about where and when they go places. I could not see her waiting, praying, and hoping that I could be home for Christmas, her birthday, the Starlet's Ball, the prom, and the graduation party. I had to cut her loose and when I did I regretted it for many years. Suicide seemed a good idea but a shipmate talked with me and I changed my mind.
Yeppers, a cry eases that pain and I still feel it at times, 37 years later.
I don't share this with you because I want to do you one-up. No way. I share this with you because it is why I know soul-bruising pain. There are times when I hear a certain song on the radio that I have flashbacks.
That motivational speaker on TV surely had a pecuniary interest in your taking his course or learning his method of thought. I don't. I am here for you because sometimes the best thing I can do is to listen to you and politely nod my head and maybe touch your hand, pass the Kleenex, or pour another coffee. I have earned my stripes as a listener.
The reality we change is surely our own.
With a warm hug,
Wing Walker
HI PAULA -
Thanks for the comforting words. Thankfully, it never reached a stage where I had any strong emotions in it. I was just trying to see if someone WHO CONTACTED ME would want to continue friendship if I made my past known to him. I think that he feels some embarrassment. I remember him complimenting me at the beginning of one of his letters that I seemed to be so open about feelings/philosophies compared to OTHER WOMEN he had met. He's probably smuggly thinking, "Ha! I was right! What a tricky person! Women aren't open about feelings." Well, he should read novels by women authors. Being open or having philosophical thought is more a reflection of the TYPE of women he's met rather than a gender characteristic. That's my opinion.
HI CINDY -
Please don't tell me "I wouldn't want to live alone again because it is so wonderful to have someone to share what ever I discover with my partner in each and every waking day." I've never said I WANT to live alone. I'll keep trying. Perseverance and attitude will only take me so far. Billions, of course, want to be loved. If love wasn't so elusive, there wouldn't be so many love songs.
You asked me, "Have you ever thought that maybe doing a few small changes to whom you present may be a much better way of finding the right person?" Everyone who doesn't find love wonders "What's wrong with me? Can I change something?" For the most part, I haven't thought that I NEED CHANGE because I have a BIG thing that seems to unnerve most people I've met: I'm a transsexual. Up until the time I make that disclosure, I have no problem making friends. I even, as I mentioned, had a couple of women (after my ex) who said they loved me. Until I told them my past. And shortly thereafter, they left. You've been fortunate enough to meet Paula. I'm happy for you both, really. But, contrary to what you infer, I truly feel that there is nothing big or small that is WRONG with me. Many movies have explored how imperfect people have found love. One of my favorites is a multi-Oscar winning movie staring Ernest Borgnine called "Marty." Marty is a "fat ugly" butcher who falls in love with a plain-looking woman. His friends kid him, saying that she's not pretty enough. Marty is smart enought to know that she is a special person...
Hopefully, someday, someone will see that in me.
Teri Anne
Description of "Marty" on Amazon.com (or it's a great rental):
"Marty ensured Paddy Chayefsky's status as one of the greatest writers of television's golden age. When Chayefsky, director Delbert Mann, and actor Ernest Borgnine reunited for this 90-minute film version, the play had been polished with extra scenes, further perfecting Chayefsky's timeless study of loneliness and heartbreak. And the film, in which Borgnine excels as the single, 35-year-old "fat and ugly" butcher Marty Pilletti, received well-deserved Oscars® for Best Picture, Director, Actor, and Screenplay. Although Chayefsky's central theme is the pain of being unwanted (as felt by Marty himself as well as his elderly Aunt Catherine, who's become a burden to her married daughter), the film is never somber or depressing, and achieves a rare quality of honesty, humor, and hopefulness without resorting to artifice or sentiment.
Marty's just about given up on love when he meets plain-looking Clara (Betsy Blair), a 29-year-old teacher who's endured similar cycles of rejection. Much of Marty explores the simple decency of these characters, their admirable qualities and mutual connection, and the slow escalation of self-esteem that will hold them together. Marty is a supremely compassionate film, but it's also an entertaining one, trimmed (like a good butcher's meat) of any dramatic fat.
Amazon link for "Marty":
http://www.amazon.com/Marty-Ernest-Borgnine/dp/B00005AUKB/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/105-3868413-5217223?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1193203753&sr=1-1
Quote from Teri Anne
QuoteI remember him complimenting me at the beginning of one of his letters that I seemed to be so open about feelings/philosophies compared to OTHER WOMEN he had met. He's probably smuggly thinking, "Ha! I was right! What a tricky person! Women aren't open about feelings." Well, he should read novels by women authors. Being open or having philosophical thought is more a reflection of the TYPE of women he's met rather than a gender characteristic. That's my opinion.
Hi, Teri Anne,
I don't believe that he's smugly thinking anything, really, especially something like we are not open with our feelings. Anyone attuned can see that we telegraph a lot of ourselves to others.
My third ex is a stark example of being open about feelings. Please remember that this took place in my prior existence in another gender.
I met her for coffee. We then met a week later for a walk on a well-used bike path near Baltimore-Washington International Airport. We talked a bit on the phone, then met for a coffee and to sit with many other people who pull into a parking lot to watch the aircraft. Everything we did was public because I felt better that way.
It was a Saturday night in December, really like 2:30 a.m. when she called me and told me that she hadn't had sex in 17 years and that if I had a bit of compassion I'd fix that. I was wary. I never before got a call like that from someone whose home I have never seen, nor had we even exchanged a kiss.
I'd say that she was pretty open about her feelings and she was a natal female.
There was a time when I wasn't as nearly interested in books by women, for women, but that has changed since Mama Estrogen has cleared-up my synapses and gifted me with learning that the largest erotic organ in the female body is the brain.
This is purely my opinion, based on my own observations of men. I don't want to debate it because it's purely my opinion:
Men aren't tuned that way, Teri. Both genders cause divorces but men seem to be better at missing important anniversaries and events. They tend to be clumsy when they pursue female intimacy. Most have no idea of the complexity of the female psyche and they are great at being late for everything, including a special event.
I wouldn't give him so much credit, Teri.
Now this is only me, and I am still pre-op with my name on the list for GRS next June: I don't tell too many people that I am a TS woman, F to F. I tell my doctors because they have a need to know. I told Cindy because we were supposed to find one another. I told my former employer because of the restroom issue and the obvious appearance of someone new in my office. I needed a new nameplate for the door. That's it. It's no one's business to know that about me and I make it a point not to say a syllable about it.
I work on my voice. I work on my skin, and I keep my nails and hair done because I like me like that. I'm 5'11.5" tall and I am a pretty large woman but I am a woman and I love myself and I enjoy it for all it's worth. My clothes, my shoes, my walk, my talk, my posture, my speech patterns, my choice of words, my accessories, in all of those I am female and that's how I present. Were I in your place, post-op and a success of Dr. Osterhout I would have my own celebration at the burning of my old, incorrect birth certificate.
Now that's just me and I don't think that men are that smart. Women constantly trip a man up and beat him to the fall. We have it all over them, innate abilities that we can trace back to "Woman #0," way back in time.
I'd never tell anyone about how I got my vagina, and clitoris, and labia, and my body fragrance, soft face, rounded joints, blood vessels on the backs of my hands that are almost invisible, and cellulite on my thighs and bum.
But that's just me.
I know that this has been a long story but that's it. I hope that something in it is useful to you.
Be well and smile, Teri Anne!
Wing Walker
Resident Windbag
Well Terri, sounds like you may need to follow that advice and go to number 51....but do not be too quick to judge. Give him time to digest and mull over things. You have had your entire life to mull this over and he has had...a month? The fact that he wrote you back at all says something. You may have been a tad harsh on your return letter so now he has to mull that over as well. You sound really defensive and wounded. You expected him to act a certain way and you are setting that up with what you have said. Its like you had already set the wheels in motion to fullfill your expectations and have geared your mind into writing in a way that will ensure that it does. You need to change your mindset and stop worrying about what people think. You should have gone on just as usual before you outed yourself instead of making it a bigger deal in my book.
He may be freaked out that you may think he is a person capable of killing your kind with malice. Perception is everything and I do not read his response like you do. You are so down in the funk and in such a rut you have totally lowerd yourself into expecting that as soon as you out yourself the door will be slammed. If there is a next time try to mention or out your self in a "matter of factly" way and dont make such a huge deal out of it. Unless somebody has personally tried to kill you with malice you may want to leave that part out until later.
Stop being a Transsexual for a while and be a woman. You stated several times "You are a transsexual". Have you not transitioned, had srs, hair transplants and are you not living as a woman? You are a woman with a different history. You should think about changing your mindset hon. There are plenty of "Transsexuals" that find partners and love. Many women have not found it, I hear day after day how hard it is to find a good man in life. Stop being so hard on yourself and keep trying with a different mindset and attitude and you just may succeed. What you are doing is not working and has not worked...because you are still single. Am I right?
Hi Teri
Here is a post I composed in another thread I thought may or may not have any value to your post but one never knows unless they try.
Well, please hold the rotten veggies until after the show is over. I am just a simple four years post-op transsexual who has jumped through all of the hoops to be as female as I can be. So I am as female as I can be and I adapted to who I truly am, but not without stubbed toes and a few lumps on the noggin. Once I learned to just go with the flow and not fight everything, things went much smoother for me. One has to adjust their perspective on how one sees things in life. It just isn't the same ball game. I was certainly blessed and humbled to have a sense of humor as well. I have worked alongside many other low profile north American women for the past seven years, just your average office girl type you know, and non ever questioning the credibility of who I am.
I know that being transsexual is my roots, there is no denying that, but out there I am just me. Not a beauty queen by a long shot, but I blend in quite well with any number of the other typical females going about doing their thing. When I leave my home it's been some years now that I even gave it a thought of being anything else then a social worker with a big heart, maybe to big sometimes, nevertheless going out to do her job the best way she knows how. So I am me, I am woman, I feel liberated and I am enjoying life. The hardest part was getting use to being among so many people in this city. I am just a simple country girl from Ontario certainly not no city slicker.
So I don't really Identify as Transsexual anymore, fore the simple reason for seven years I was the only TS in this one horse town, I never really had any other TS friend around within 200 miles to identify with, so I kind of rather learned to adapt and blend in rather quickly after coming out full time.
OK, you may throw the rotten veggies now.
Teri hon, if you still want a friend I'll be around.
Cind
LORI - You're probably right about a number of things. But you're not right about one thing: that guy ain't coming back. Like I say, though, I'm not that disappointed because I haven't invested much time in him. It does worry me that I may do the same the next time -- dump the negative stuff out along with the positive stuff. I guess, if I did as a politician, I would only accentuate the positive. You never hear a politician say, "Well, it'd be nice to cut taxes and increase government spending but it's unrealistic." Being a politician has nothing to do with being realistic or even honest. There's an old saying: "A politician is someone who tells you to get the heck out of here and you're happy to be on your way." Perhaps, in that line of thinking, there may be a way to "spin" what I am in a positive manner. Like the fact that I'm a friggin' genius about knowing how both males and females think. Yeah, I know. Even in thinking about how to phrase things in a positive way, there's an undercurrent of sarcasm. I will never be as positive-sounding as Cindy but, truthfully, I had a sarcastic streak in me as a male, also. If you read Einstein's saying at the bottom of my post (human stupidity is infinite), there was a streak of sarcasm in him, also.
Lori, I think you're right that my negativity may scare him and others away and I'll try to be more positive in my approach and "not make such a big deal of it." Now, if only I could convince myself, lol. Having been a male, I know that they consider it a HUGE deal. This guy is probably very embarrassed.
CINDY - Perhaps there are things in your post that I could accept and give in my "out" letter or discussion. Unlike other things you've said, it doesn't shout to me "I'm really happy!!" but rather, "I'm doing the best I can." That's a LOT closer to how I feel.
PAULA - Yeah, men and women are different. The sex thing is, as I've mentioned, another hang-up of mine. Just no interest or desire. While you agree that women's biggest erogenous zone is the brain, many men don't quite see it that way. It's a quick physical thing. My initial post (5 years old) that attracted this guy talked, at one point, of the proven biological chemistry regarding joy of hugging. He probably read that and interpreted it as sex. He knew I liked to talk and philosphize and he probably talked to me in hopes of sex (no matter what he claims).
So, I'm messed up in pride of self-identity and of desire for sex. When one meets me, though, they see a thinking person with strong opinions that can honestly be fun to be around.
One of my many contradictions, lol.
Teri Anne
Hi, Teri, hon,
I just reread your letter here and remembering some things you mentioned about having kept some of the characteristics of your old self.
Do you feel safer thinking and feeling as your previous self? I mean, I may be off base here and if I am then I apologize. When I decided to transition I knew that many of my characteristics on how I thought and felt about things would need an upgrading. So I set off to do exactly that by becoming in-tune with my knowing and understanding the yin and yang of my being.
I also needed to learn to relate with the environment around me, or the reality of this world as most call it. My being has grown and expanded to the point that it would no longer fit in that tiny box I originated from, leaning to love and enjoy and to let myself feelings and emotions go where they may.
The world around me did not change but how I looked at it, how I perceived it. These sensitivities have not diminished my awareness to reality and its potential dangers but it leaves me very much open and caring towards other people around me. For me it is quite the opposite, having the feelings and intuition of a woman makes me feel much more connected to my environment and I fear not anything. But then, most people have always thought me to be the odd or weird anyway.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi11.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa191%2Fcynthiag932%2Fnativeprinces.jpg&hash=1ecf39e192325b8c54f8452278ac8c90059133c6)
My little inner voice tells me not to let go.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi11.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa191%2Fcynthiag932%2FLifeExplained.jpg&hash=cd2411ee07dee86551f69e211717b15b79f24998)
Hi, Teri,
Please have a look at the above image.
QuoteYeah, men and women are different. The sex thing is, as I've mentioned, another hang-up of mine. Just no interest or desire. While you agree that women's biggest erogenous zone is the brain, many men don't quite see it that way. It's a quick physical thing. My initial post (5 years old) that attracted this guy talked, at one point, of the proven biological chemistry regarding joy of hugging. He probably read that and interpreted it as sex. He knew I liked to talk and philosphize and he probably talked to me in hopes of sex (no matter what he claims).
So, I'm messed up in pride of self-identity and of desire for sex. When one meets me, though, they see a thinking person with strong opinions that can honestly be fun to be around.
One of my many contradictions, lol.
Teri Anne
I expect that we will meet very soon.
Have you ever heard of the play, "No Sex, Please, We are British."? I feel like the Brits in that play did. No sex = no problem for me.
When you find a smile, keep it on. It becomes you.
Wing Walker
Cindy, you asked if I "think and feel as my previous self?" When one transitions, one goes through a growth period where you allow yourself certain freedoms to expand or change things. I would doubt that anyone who goes through transition doesn't change in some way. This doesn't mean, however, that one discards ALL of what you were. Since you see yourself as female before transition, many of these things you FEEL, you will continue to feel after transition. And, of course, many things -- like a moral compass -- are traits that are not gender-related and so you will bring those traits along, also. I am not a different person AFTER transition. I am a person who is essentially the same person as pre-transition -- it's just that I now allow myself more freedoms to be ME.
Paula - Thank you for your humerous post regarding the single on-off switch ("Man") versus the complicated switches and dials ("Woman"). In portraying guys, pre-transition, I resented the stereotype of men being simple-minded with the on-off switch for sex. In transitioning, I dated guys and couldn't, for the life of me, figure out why the guys I dated seemed not mind acting like simplistic stereotype beasts who just want sex.
This said, I do feel that we shouldn't stereotype anyone. While the men I dated may have been neanderthal, they probably represent what you get when you date online rather than a true representation of all men. I still note that most beautiful love stories and love songs are written by giften men. I refuse to believe that it's all done to woo women. Men see the complexity of love and have expressed, not just the joy, but how it can hurt. Gifted individuals, males included, see more than in just black and white or in "on" and "off."
Since transitioning, I've noticed the tendency of men and women to bash one another. Having lived both sides, I see both sides. The truth is, I feel, none of us is perfect.
Teri Anne
Hi Teri
*Bingo!* Letting the true inner you emerge, and become aware, and know who the true self is as the false self falls back dissolving like a bad dream or evaporating like a mist on a lake at the break of dawn. Yes, the same you, a refined you, so much more attuned with the environment around her. I haven't forgotten my past, I just look at the person in my past as a different person, as the true me I always was and should have been.
Would you still like to meet on the 18th of Nov.?
Cindy