I've been, I guess you could say, halfway out for years. When I became a member of my church, they knew I was transgender. A few people at Delta knew before I retired and I'm sure a lot more guessed (no hair on the arms, long nails, shaped eyebrows). My deceased brother knew and I know my mother did although she never said anything. Now however, it's time to come out to my wife's family, my other brother plus my son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren. So here's the text of the letter (the one to my son and brother are a personalized version of this one). I would love to hear your thoughts.
By the time that I finish writing this letter, I imagine I will have been working on it, off and on, for several weeks. I want to take great care with it, because what I want from the beginning is for this letter to explain the things you may wish to know, and to answer the questions you will want to ask. Regardless of what I want and my best intentions, there will remain things that you still don't know, and there will remain questions that need asking. It's just the nature of things, I guess. The reason I'm taking so much care, putting effort into making sure that what I say is what I really want to say and how I want it said, is because I am writing all of you to tell you I am a transgender human being. Although it's falling out of use, the common word is I am transsexual.
I realize to most of you this is a jarring revelation but please stick with me for at least a page or two so that I can try and explain some things.
All my life, I have felt wrong and I do mean all my life. Since before most of you knew me, since before my brothers were born, since age four before I could put a definition to what gender even was I have always felt off in my own body. It was as though the world I expected was out of sync with what was happening around me, happening to me.
I have the brain of a female. Scientific evidence says transgender is biological/genetic, caused during fetal formation by little more than a slightly "off" series of hormonal developments. Research into genetics is also finding areas where certain genes supposed to be affected by male hormones before birth are simply immune to or less affected by those male hormones causing the "off" series of hormonal developments. Whatever the cause, my brain is female, but it's in the body of a male, and the two have been at war for the entirety of my existence.
Imagine for a second what that would be like. Imagine you, as a girl or boy, in the opposite body, and unable to do anything about it. You see the world as a guy or girl, but have to live as a girl or guy, pushed along by social current, tradition, and basic survival instinct into positions and identities that are increasingly uncomfortable, unpalatable to you. Everything about your existence is laced with lies, and it feels like there's nothing that you can do about it. This has caused me an almost inexpressible amount of grief. Imagine the anguish as a young child of five or six saying your prayers at night asking God to fix you so you would wake up a girl and crying when you woke up unchanged. Imagine the lack of information before the internet and the loneliness as you grow up thinking you are the only person in the entire world like this. Imagine the thoughts of suicide. Imagine the planning of suicide and backing out at the last second because you were afraid your wife and child would end up homeless. This is how it is for me. This is how it has always been for me. If you've always seen me as masculine, then I guess it just means I'm a darn good actress. I'm sorry if this makes you feel betrayed, or wronged. That was never my intention.
For years I didn't know there was anything I could really do about what I felt, and so for years I tried to bury it. Unsurprisingly, this did not work. Transgender is not a habit you can break, a mindset you can force your way out of, or something you can treat with psychotherapy or drugs. It is a genetic construction that will never, ever change. So now I'm doing something about it, and I'm transitioning from male to female. Other than death, it's my only possible cure.
Here's what this means. Sometime within the next year or so, I will no longer be living as or identifying as a male. It means that I will be undergoing hormone replacement therapy to cancel out my body's male hormones with female ones. It means that I will be physically developing as a female. It means that I will stop following what little male fashion I did and will begin to dress as a female. It means that I'm going to spend lots of money to hire a professional to shoot my facial hair to death with an electric probe in a process called electrolysis. It means that I will be undergoing a long and tedious process to shift every bit of identification related to me to reflect a female identity, which will of course include a change of name. Soon enough, my name will be legally changed to Beverly Ann. Beverly, my maternal grandmother's maiden name, is the name my parents would have given me had I been born female. Girls in my mother's family were not given middle names so I chose Ann in honor of my best friend, my buddy, the love of my life and the person who has shared this secret with me for over forty-six years. Yes, Deb knew of this before we were married. And before anyone asks, other than my physical appearance nothing will change in our marriage. Deb is and always will be my true love and she is onboard with this although I know she has reservations and fears.
But above all of the rest, this is the part I want everyone to understand the most. This is the part where I'm going to be emphatic, where I will get angry if it's mentioned, and where I will probably cry a little afterwards. This is the part where I want to make clear that this is not a choice. I am not deciding to become female. This is me allowing myself to be the real me, the person I've always been inside and it is the only route I can take, because I am done lying about who I am. In transitioning from male to female, I am going to become a second-class citizen in the eyes of many people. I am going to be opening myself up to discrimination and hate. I am opening myself up to possible abandonment and rejection by family and friends. I am diving headfirst into what is really a whole world of social trouble along with the possible threat of violence and this is not something that I would choose to do. I'm going to go into debt due to medical bills, and this is not something that I would choose to do. This is the next step of my life, of my existence and of my development as a person but it was never my choice.
Coming to grips with this has been an absurdly hard process. Making myself realize it and embrace it took most of my teenage years, and even after that through my entire life, the fear and uncertainty of what to do about it made me miserable. I lied about what made me sad, or why I was depressed. I sank all of this inside myself, jealous of people braver than me and all full of self-pity. It took what amounts to a complete collapse in October to change things.
I know some of you are asking why now? Why at your age? All I can tell you is during the last week of October I was fine one moment and the next moment, everything I had suppressed came crashing in on me and I was crying. I just could not deny it anymore. I have probably cried more in the weeks since then than I have in my entire life. And as for my age, well there is a certain person who has publically started transition and we are the same age. She's got about a year on me in starting transition and, of course, an Olympic Gold Medal along with about a hundred million more in resources.
Anyway, I'm writing this letter to everyone so that you all can know what I'm going through because I feel like it would be unfair for you to not know. It would be unfair to suddenly spring this on you in person. I know you didn't ask for me to spill my heart out like this and I know it may be annoying to even hear it. I don't expect you to write me with encouragement, give me three cheers or to be my support group. I just don't want to give you the wrong impression of me any longer and this letter is my first step in showing you who I really am. If this means you don't want me around anymore, that's okay. I really do understand. If you don't want to speak to me anymore at all, that's okay too. I can't ask for acceptance from everyone. I don't even really expect it. I just want everyone to know.
For the near future, know that my transition will soon be underway. Things will be changing about my dress, my mannerisms, my looks but keep in mind beneath it all I'm still the same person. Same likes, same dislikes, same bad jokes, same boring old stories, same tastes (or lack of). I know it's going to be strange, I know it's going to be different, and I know most of you have never had to go through this before. That's okay, I haven't either. I know there will be awkward situations. I know I'll be accidentally called CW or Cxxxxx or Wxxxxxx and referred to with male pronouns and I know it will feel weird having to correct yourself when it comes to these things. I expect it, and I'm fine with it. Fine with it as long as it's accidental but using the wrong name or misgendering on purpose will be a different matter. I also expect questions, lots and lots of questions, and I want you to ask them without fear. There is no question you can ask that will embarrass me and no question you can ask that I will not answer. I'm an understanding person, and I understand how weird this might be for most of you. I want to minimize that as much as I can for everyone's sake.
As I write this to you, I do feel like I should say sorry to you for keeping this a secret for so long, for building up a wall between us that I led you to believe didn't exist. I'm not sorry for who I am, but I am sorry for who I made you believe I was. Again, all I can do is ask for your understanding, but if I don't receive it, I'll live. Since coming to terms with all of this and since my therapist has written my referral letter for hormone replacement therapy, I'm already a happier person. I am taking what remains of my life into my own hands and I'm going to live it the way that I deserve to live it. I cannot go on acting any longer.
With love to all of you,
Beverly (Bev)
What a lovely letter!
My heart reaches out to you, my sister in transition.
Cindy
BeverlyAnn,
Yes, Like Cindy I also feel that it's a lovely letter. I love your openness, detail and honesty.
Since you ask for thoughts, I'd perhaps consider moving the following two sentences to the beginning.
QuoteI'm writing this letter to everyone so that you all can know what I'm going through because I feel like it would be unfair for you to not know. It would be unfair to suddenly spring this on you in person.
The reason is that some people, especially if they are very close, prefer spoken messages to written ones. Letting them first know the reason you chose to use a letter may help them concentrate on the rest more without wondering why.
In any case I very much like what you wrote. I feel that it leaves no loose ends, and leaves the doors wide open for further discussion.
Thank you zirconia, I'll look at that.
Quote from: Cindy on March 28, 2016, 01:30:49 AM
What a lovely letter!
My heart reaches out to you, my sister in transition.
Cindy
Thank you, Cindy.
Wow, that's a beautifully written letter! I can tell that you put a lot of thought and energy into writing it.
Can I steal it? :)
Quote from: KathyLauren on March 28, 2016, 07:42:33 PM
Wow, that's a beautifully written letter! I can tell that you put a lot of thought and energy into writing it.
Can I steal it? :)
Of course you may. Anyone who wants to use it as a template can.
Lovely, thanks for sharing!
Beverly Ann, I love it im 42 and that is how a lot of my life has been as well. Thank you for giving permission to use your letter there is parts in there that I can use for my letter.
It almost made me cry my awakening was in September I cried for two weeks uncontrollable I had to keep running and hiding from every one so not to be discovered they stole have no clue thank goodness. I will be coming out full time very soon so we will be gone throw the same thing.
Bev, you've written the perfect coming out letter. It's a heartfelt sharing of your struggles with enough "science" to arouse the curious. I have no doubt you'll overcome the struggles we all face with mostly a minimum of fuss.
Thank you for thinking enough of our mob to make your masterpiece available for all to see.
So, did you send it? Very interested in how it was received.
Quote from: chris.deee on April 10, 2016, 10:01:07 PM
So, did you send it? Very interested in how it was received.
It's going out this week since I had to make up several copies plus personalize a couple of them. Plus with the closing of our church, getting ready for the final service and then getting things from the sanctuary the past two weeks have been hectic.
I really hope it works out well for you...I may pinch some stuff out of that letter of its Ok I have one to compose to my extended family and friends. I am sure it will work out for you and will be interested to hear the responses you received.
Liz K
Quote from: ElizabethK on April 12, 2016, 06:15:30 AM
I really hope it works out well for you...I may pinch some stuff out of that letter of its Ok I have one to compose to my extended family and friends. I am sure it will work out for you and will be interested to hear the responses you received.
Liz K
Thanks, hon. They are in the envelopes, addressed and sealed. I just have to check at the Post Office to see if they will go with just one stamp or if they need more postage.
Thanks for sharing your letter! I also wonder how it will be received.
Quote from: DenaliBe on April 13, 2016, 12:28:37 AM
Thanks for sharing your letter! I also wonder how it will be received.
We will find out soon for the closest relatives. The letters are now in the custody of the United States Postal Service. I expect some of them to be delivered Friday and some Saturday. So the bovine byproduct should hit the rotary air movement device in a couple of days.
would you mind I borrowed some points from your letter sometime?
Dear Beverly Ann,
I have told as many people in person as I can. I have also written a number of people as well. My initial thought was that if I heard nothing from someone, I would assume a negative reaction. I now know that this was a false assumption on my part. I have discovered a number of people are actually supportive, but have not acknowledged my letter. The younger generation tends to be most accepting, but I think they have a hard time writing to an older relative about a subject such as this. They are not sure what to say. It actually made me pretty sad that I poured out my heart in my coming out letters and sometimes got no response. I couldn't imagine doing that to someone. I am just glad that they were accepting. It is okay now. I guess my message to you is that the responses you get or don't get may take a while to settle out. At any rate, you did a wonderful job explaining. It is out of your hands. Even if someone rejects, you have nothing to feel bad about as far as what you have done. I wish you the best. You deserve it.
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 13, 2016, 08:16:36 PM
Dear Beverly Ann,
I have told as many people in person as I can. I have also written a number of people as well. My initial thought was that if I heard nothing from someone, I would assume a negative reaction. I now know that this was a false assumption on my part. I have discovered a number of people are actually supportive, but have not acknowledged my letter. The younger generation tends to be most accepting, but I think they have a hard time writing to an older relative about a subject such as this. They are not sure what to say. It actually made me pretty sad that I poured out my heart in my coming out letters and sometimes got no response. I couldn't imagine doing that to someone. I am just glad that they were accepting. It is okay now. I guess my message to you is that the responses you get or don't get may take a while to settle out. At any rate, you did a wonderful job explaining. It is out of your hands. Even if someone rejects, you have nothing to feel bad about as far as what you have done. I wish you the best. You deserve it.
Moni
Moni,
In regard to telling people in person, all of my important friends have known for many years. My family is scattered so far that I would be traveling from Myrtle Beach to Denver to tell them, hence the letters. I do realize not every response will be immediate, in fact I hope they do take time to reread the letter and think about it.. Dee and I were talking after we mailed them or maybe I should say she was trying to calm me down. As she said, if someone doesn't like it, it's their loss not ours.
Quote from: Marlee on April 13, 2016, 07:57:38 PM
would you mind I borrowed some points from your letter sometime?
Not at all, Marlee. Please feel free to use anything that will help.
Dear Beverly Ann,
How wonderfully composed is that and so beautifully written. How could anyone find fault in your motives after reading your letter. I felt my eyes start to leak while reading you letter.
You are so strong a true inspiration to us all. It would be an honor to meet you sometime.
Peace be with you and yours.
Josefa