I was all set to come out to my wife yesterday. It was an auspicious day to come out: International Transgender Day of Visibility, and I had it all planned what I was going to say. At least a dozen times, I was on the verge of saying it: taken a breath, tongue starting to form the first word. But I just couldn't get it out! :(
And today, being April 1st, is most definitely NOT the day to do it!
Back to square one. Maybe I should write her a letter. She won't like that, but it might be the only way I can do it.
This post isnt going to help you much, but when i had to tell my bet friend at the time i seriously felt like i was going to vomit out a frog.. but i just said it and that was that he didnt really start tripping until a few days later about it. its hard its always hard if a letter is the way you have to go about it i would reccomend writing it up and giving it to her and letting her know she isnt going to nessicarily enjoy reading it but its how you truely feel and u feel obligated to tell her, once its out its out and she could even be the most helpful person around you.
Sorry you've hit such a roadblock. I'm in the same sort of boat, except I'm "out", but she doesn't understand what I mean...
I think it's intentional on her part, though. Sound more like you've just had some stumbles. It's tough, it's terrifying, but... Got to do it eventually.
I'd ask, rhetorically, are you an introvert? Read that Introverts (like me) prefer to write things down for communication. Speaking is much more difficult.
I've found that to be true with my situation: She can talk circles around me, and once she gets started, she doesn't stop until you're trampled underfoot. Not just me - she dominates every social situation she can. Meeting for dinner with friends, THEY hardly get a word in edgewise.
So writing it out might be essential. Also, if you have a journal or diary, that might help, too... She could find it and her curiosity would likely get the best of her, and she'd read it... Get the message that way. Not good, but if you're already in bad spots? You do what you have to...
-Dianna
Quote from: steyraug96 on April 01, 2016, 12:36:31 PM
I'd ask, rhetorically, are you an introvert? Read that Introverts (like me) prefer to write things down for communication. Speaking is much more difficult.
I've found that to be true with my situation: She can talk circles around me, and once she gets started, she doesn't stop until you're trampled underfoot. Not just me - she dominates every social situation she can. Meeting for dinner with friends, THEY hardly get a word in edgewise.
Good guess. Yes, I am strongly introverted. And my wife is a talker like yours. She comes by it honestly - her mother has a nuclear-powered tongue(!) - but it makes it hard to say what I have to say.
Why do you feel you need to come out now?
If you're not making any drastic changes, to make the eventual coming out easier for everyone, you could first make more minor changes. If you need to come out now, again, to make coming out easier for everyone, you could do it in a series of conversations, which start by the addressing the topic as naturally possible.
I'm obsessed with continuity, so it may be better for you to trust your inclination to write a letter and come out as soon as possible, but don't feel bad if you rather defer the event, as this gives you time to show that your actions are the logical result of prior events.
Hi KathyLauren, a letter sounds like a good idea for you that way you can get everything you want to say out.
P.S, I wouldn't stand to close to your mother-in-law you might get radiation poisoning.
BY FOR NOW
Quote from: autumn08 on April 01, 2016, 01:26:19 PM
Why do you feel you need to come out now?
Because, the longer I leave it, the madder she'll be when she eventually finds out. She won't stand for keeping secrets.
I am not planning any drastic changes - I probably won't ever fully transition - but the longer I stay in the closet, the longer I'll have to put up with the random hits of dysphoria.
I'm not advising you to let this fester, but that it could be beneficial to come out incrementally. It is easier to do, decreases the chance of rejection and fortifies you to endure potential rejection.
As far as your wife potentially being mad at you, she has no right to be mad at you! There is nothing wrong with being transgender, and your repression and shame of your gender dysphoria should only be viewed with compassion. Before coming out I advise you to have conviction in this. You will need it.
It may be too painful to come out incrementally, or you may not have enough time before you regress. If either of these situations apply to you, start typing your letter now!
(I'm sorry for the exclamation marks, but it feels like you need a push.)
Dear Kathy,
I can tell you what I did when I told my kids. All I can say is that they said I handled it just right. Here goes.
I wrote my kids a letter telling them that I had something very personal to tell them. It was very hard for me to say what I needed to, but that I would talk to them soon. I added that I was not mentally or physically ill, I had not hurt anyone, and I was not gay or divorcing their mother. (Could have added to the list but figured this covered the major fears that might cause panic.) I then asked them not to ask me questions until I was ready to talk. I originally said it might be a month, but actually took only a few days. This did a few things. It allowed them to be ready mentally to listen. They could also see that it was something I had agonized about telling them. I did express my fear of them rejecting me, so they knew I cared about their opinion. They finally just wanted to get it done with because, they later told me, they had imagined things that were so much worse.
This process made it easier for me to get started in the telling. I know your circumstances may be totally different, but I thought I would give you an idea to think about. Oh, you are so right in being open and honest.
Good luck!
Moni
Quote from: KathyLauren on April 01, 2016, 07:45:17 AM
Back to square one. Maybe I should write her a letter. She won't like that, but it might be the only way I can do it.
You could try writing it, but then sitting down in front of her and reading it aloud, instead of letting she read it. That would be a compromise between a purely verbal and purely written message.
You can always write the letter but read it to her.
Good luck with it be strong.
Girl Up
Thanks for the feedback, everyone!
@Moni, Thanks for the suggestion of a "preparation" letter. That might work in my case.
Quote from: autumn08 on April 01, 2016, 04:57:36 PM
As far as your wife potentially being mad at you, she has no right to be mad at you! There is nothing wrong with being transgender,
There's nothing wrong with being transgender, I know. My wife knows it too. But just because she has no right to be mad doesn't mean she won't be. If she needs a reason, there are many things for her to be mad about: fear for the implications to our marriage, or reaction to the perceived secrecy. I'll plead denial rather than secrecy for the first 61 years of my life, but I have known my true gender identity for certain for six months now. If I stretch it out much longer, an accusation of secrecy would have some validity.
Quote
(I'm sorry for the exclamation marks, but it feels like you need a push.)
Thanks. I need a push!
Quote from: Kulena on April 01, 2016, 10:24:41 PM
Girl Up
Thanks. Yeah, I gotta do it.
Kathy,
I know this is hard, so very hard. I was convinced that everyone in my life would abandon me when I told them. (Fortunately, I have only lost one person) I can't say how it will go for you, but it sounds like this is something you must do. (Many of us know that feeling) If you have had a bond with your wife for a long time, she will probably be jolted. Her first response could be anger as you said. I would keep in mind allowing her adjustment time. You had how many years to think about this. Don't freak out if she doesn't react well at first. My opinion is that age may be in your favor. A mature relationship tends to involve more of a desire for stability. I will have fingers crossed for you.
Moni
I "came out", AKA dropped the T-Bomb, to my wife when it was almost too late to and still have a small sliver of a chance of not totally destroying the trust and our relationship. Especially with betrayal being a BIG hot-button issue for her.
There is never a "Good Time" to drop the T-Bomb. Only times that are worse then others such as during a heated emotional period. How my wife and I generally handle talking about adult grown up serious sort of things is to essentially schedule and important. In other words, trying to set up a better time. Sometimes it is 'Right now'.
Being an old fashioned sort of romantic, 'A Letter' certainly is out. You can try a script or outline to work to/with. Just figure on it being blown away pretty fast as the bombardment of questions/hate/anger comes.
Try to avoid TMI or otherwise overloading her. Keep in mind that you spent the better part of an entire lifetime barely getting a handle on being trans. She'll be having milli-seconds to process it all. What it means to you today can change. Many things you may not be able to answer with certitude. Try not to let the raw emotional blurting get in the way of what she is saying.
I told everyone all in the same week. My wife, my Therapist, my family doctor, my best friend and my sister. Based on the weight of the load I was carrying for over 50 years, It seems like a small inconvenience to be truthful to your feelings. Also if you married the right person, they will understand and support you. Introduce your wife to the websites, Significant Others Talk Forum.
I saw something you posted that make me think this. If she is a very auditory person and is "talker per se. Perhaps a letter would be the best option. In a conversation, she may ask you a question, which makes you search...send you perhaps on the defensive, which can escalate the discussion into things not being heard..misinterpreted..and on and on.
A letter will allow you get all your thoughts down. Then most of her questions will be centered on points in the letter, which you are ready to clarify or expand upon. in the letter, you can explain why you wrote a letter, and perhaps ask her to promise to take some time to think about this. set aside a time for the talking.
these are just my thoughts, and I have no experience or expertise (I did study psychology, but am not degreed in such)
Oh, my. I think this might be the toughest step for anyone to take. I had "the talk" with my wife early in March, when things got so black I felt I was at risk of taking my own life. Yes, I waited years too long. I really wish I had written a letter, just to read to her, rather than just blurting out what was boiling in my head.
We survived, though.
Her initial reaction was a sort of shutdown, becoming very quiet and unresponsive. It takes time to process the realization that someone you've spend decades with has a whole secret life and set of desires that were kept hidden. The realization of this can feel like a betrayal of trust to her. It's hard. I had a huge sense of relief getting this out, but unfortunately I had just shifted some of the burden onto her.
I'm working on trying to keep lines of communication open, something my therapist emphasized at my last appointment. A good part of the session was actually centered on taking care of her needs, and making sure she knows that she is respected and loved, not being left behind. And yes, I'm going to try hard to bring her to my next session.
Small steps. It's going to be small steps all the way. No dramatic changes beyond telling her for a while. Patience is required; Just keep your eye on that light at the end of the tunnel.
Coming out will be one of the most difficult things you will ever face. The time you spent hiding has trained your mind that secrecy is safer that the truth. There is no easy way of doing it but you need to set a time and place and do it. For me, I picked a day when my father was out of the house and I could talk to my mother uninterrupted. It was hard to get the words out but after they were out, I was able to talk about it in more detail. The one side effect was that my stomach was tied up in knots for 3 days after that and I wasn't able to eat much without feeling full.
Pick a day and time and good luck.
I wrote a letter, with the intention of reading it to my wife, but when the time came I was actually unable to even speak, so she had to read it herself; not what I intended, but I was glad then I had the letter. Best of luck.
You're not a wimp in fact for simply trying you're brave even if it didn't work out like you planned.
I keep trying to tell distant family but i can't i gotten as far as the note then i froze up and backed away
it happens give yourself time you'll get there. :)
Quote from: KathyLauren on April 02, 2016, 06:28:58 PM
There's nothing wrong with being transgender, I know. My wife knows it too. But just because she has no right to be mad doesn't mean she won't be. If she needs a reason, there are many things for her to be mad about: fear for the implications to our marriage, or reaction to the perceived secrecy. I'll plead denial rather than secrecy for the first 61 years of my life, but I have known my true gender identity for certain for six months now. If I stretch it out much longer, an accusation of secrecy would have some validity..
Both your secrecy and gender dysphoria I would present with the same sobriety and objectivity as I would if I was diagnosed with a life threatening disease. If you present with conviction that others should respond as if to a life threatening disease, then I think you would facilitate the most appropriate response. Of course, once they show compassion for your feelings, then show compassion for their feelings, but I think you like most transgender individuals should value themselves more.
Anyway, have you made an progress?
Dear Kathy,
I was thinking about you and your situation. Hope things are going okay for you.
Moni
Hi, Moni. Thanks for asking.
I have not made any progress. It is quite a severe mental block for me. The feeling I get when I try to start the conversation is like I am about to pull the pin on a live grenade or jump off a cliff. I just can't make myself do it.
I may have to try a Plan B approach. I am thinking of giving her a note that says something like "There is something I want to discuss with you (don't worry, it's nothing bad), but I am hitting a mental block when I try to bring the subject up. Could you please help me out by asking me about this note?" I think that might be enough to get me past the opener.
I am open to suggestions. The fear of raising the issue is quite overwhelming.
I really appreciate your keeping me accountable. I need this!
Quote from: KathyLauren on April 11, 2016, 07:35:40 PM
Hi, Moni. Thanks for asking.
I have not made any progress. It is quite a severe mental block for me. The feeling I get when I try to start the conversation is like I am about to pull the pin on a live grenade or jump off a cliff. I just can't make myself do it.
I may have to try a Plan B approach. I am thinking of giving her a note that says something like "There is something I want to discuss with you (don't worry, it's nothing bad), but I am hitting a mental block when I try to bring the subject up. Could you please help me out by asking me about this note?" I think that might be enough to get me past the opener.
I am open to suggestions. The fear of raising the issue is quite overwhelming.
I really appreciate your keeping me accountable. I need this!
Sort of close to how my wife and I handle talking about scary grown up sort of stuff. What we do is essentially schedule and appointment. A time when we both are not distracted or not the right time, and importantly no surprises right out of the blue. Often times the scheduled time response is "How about now?" so either be prepared for now or being forthright how "Now" is not good for you.
As you can imagine, a note to ask about the note, or What's a good to talk about something important? just opens a BIG Can-O-Worms.
As a pointy hair boss once told me, "There is never a good time". But that was about sending me off to some useless training in the middle of multi-million dollar design blitz.
Hi Kathy
I understand very much how hard this is for you. It took me over a year to get up the courage
to tell my wife about myself - after I decided I needed to. I was convinced that my marriage, and my
life was going to be destroyed. As things turned out, all my kind of crazy, dark scenarios didn't come true
including that she kills me. She was actually very loving and caring, and just very glad I wasn't dying or seeing another woman. I feel very fortunate to have her. I did write a letter to tell her all about myself but never got a chance to give it to her. I had left one of my counselor appt cards laying around and this was the ice-breaker for our big conversation.
I don't know if something like this might work for you. I do know that after telling her was such a relief and a
great burden off my shoulders.
All the best,
Kath