I've been on full dose HRT for nearly 10 months now, and I've been growing my hair out for 9 months. Whilst I still have a long way to go, people who don't know I'm trans are starting to notice the changes and are making comments. My issue is I feel embarrassed/ashamed about my changing appearance, particularly around men. I've received a lot of therapy over the years and I know there's nothing wrong with being trans, yet I just can't seem to shake the inner transphobia that's been with me for most of my life. It's this inner transphobia that made me fail my first attempt at transition 12 years ago. It this inner transphobia that drove me to (regrettably) have a bilateral mastectomy about 6 years ago. I haven't seen my therapist since last October but I have made an appointment to see her in 3 weeks to discuss this further.
HRT has literally been a lifesaver for me and there's no way I'll consider going off it again. The same goes with my hair, I love it!
I'm not doubting my identity or where I fit on the trans spectrum, the issue is purely related to being seen as visibly trans.
Has anyone else had this issue even after a lot of therapy? If so, how did you overcome it?
Mod note: moved as requested
Of course as you know far too well that transitioning is hard and expectations, desire and outcomes are mixed in a goulash of doubt.
To tackle your transphobia is it trans phobia?
What are your fears, are you aware what your fears may be?
I think sometimes that our phobias are a reflection of what are subconscious fears, and defining what that is can be very hard.
For example, a phobia of flying is based on what? For some confinement, for others fear of crashing, for some a few of a new experience. I presume there are many other reasons.
The fact is that the phobia is real and has to be either dealt with either by overcoming the phobia or avoiding the situation. In the case of flying that can be easy - don't!
If you are TG, a phobia of being TG needs to be tackled and understood.
Your past experiences suggest that you are gender diverse and need to transition in some way. As of course you know and are attempting.
Sometimes it can help to have a blank piece of paper and just list all of the thoughts you have about transitioning. Try and 'free think' that is don't get caught up in rationalising your thoughts. Just put them down. Try if you can to put yourself into a sort of 'out of body' or hypnotic state and just list essentially what your subconscious is dealing with.
Then you have information that you, and your therapist can work on.
You may of course ask your therapist to put you under hypnosis to explore your subconscious (if they are trained in that technique).
Love
Cindy
I can only speak about my own internalised transphobia... I long held a belief that "trans people were weirdos, that if they wanted to say they were trans that was their business but they were clearly deluding themselves, and I couldn't be trans because I wasn't deluded". I never once said that out aloud or wrote it down but it was my internal monologue. But once I started to really acknowledge I was trans it brought me hard up against that attitude. When I was challenged about it by my counsellor I realised that if I had ever heard any other person saying out loud the thing that I was thinking I would regard them as a pathetic bigoted jerk, so why was it any different that I allowed myself to think those things? It wasn't. When I acknowledged my own thinking was abhorrent to me I was able to let it go. It was easy for me because I despise racism, sexism, homophobia and transphobia in other people. I couldn't excuse myself from a behaviour I abhorred in others.
I'm not exactly sure if I can help but I can tell you my experiences. Basically I use to actually be scared of transgender people, funny how that worked out sense i later figured out I'm transgender myself. Just don't let that phobia/fears stop you from doing what you want. Sounds like you've already taken the moves just give it time and eventually am sure that in a transphobia you're talking about will go away. I know that seems strange but i honestly think over time it fades as we realize/cope with different things effecting us.
I know for me it still comes up but most of it has faded.
Quote from: Violets on April 02, 2016, 01:09:51 AM
Has anyone else had this issue even after a lot of therapy? If so, how did you overcome it?
I became a trans activist. I got angry. I got angry at all the jerks and creeps that would take away our bathroom rights. I got angry at all the parents of innocent trans children who are punished, beaten, sent to quack therapies or just denied their identities. I got angry at all the employers that discriminate against decent hard working employees just because they are trans. I got angry at the churches who ought to know better but who make hate part of their doctrine to increase their following. I got angry at all the ignorant people who refuse to allow themselves to be educated about who we are. I got angry at all the cisgender doctors and scientists who would dare to claim to know better than we do who we are.
Anger beats shame hands down any time. Ask anyone involved in the civil rights, women's rights or any other struggle for recognition and fair treatment.
Quote from: Cindy on April 02, 2016, 01:32:06 AM
What are your fears, are you aware what your fears may be?
I have a huge fear of not passing. IMHO, if you pass, you will be invisible to the haters. Being visibly trans leaves you open to all sorts of hate from the general public, with the #1 issue of being seen as a freak (a name my ex-wife regularly called me).
Quote from: Cindy on April 02, 2016, 01:32:06 AM
Sometimes it can help to have a blank piece of paper and just list all of the thoughts you have about transitioning. Try and 'free think' that is don't get caught up in rationalising your thoughts. Just put them down. Try if you can to put yourself into a sort of 'out of body' or hypnotic state and just list essentially what your subconscious is dealing with.
Then you have information that you, and your therapist can work on.
That's a good idea. Thank you! :)
Quote from: Ms Grace on April 02, 2016, 02:10:40 AM
I long held a belief that "trans people were weirdos, that if they wanted to say they were trans that was their business but they were clearly deluding themselves, and I couldn't be trans because I wasn't deluded".
I don't recall thinking along those lines, but I'm fully aware that many ignorant members of the public think we are deluded. Yes, I know things are improving (yay!), but there is still a long way to go till we are fully understood and accepted at the same level as a cis person.
Quote from: Midnightstar on April 02, 2016, 02:50:33 AM
I'm not exactly sure if I can help but I can tell you my experiences. Basically I use to actually be scared of transgender people, funny how that worked out sense i later figured out I'm transgender myself.
I've never been scared of transpeople, but I do find the ones who do not pass well somewhat confronting. This is likely because I feel I can see my non-passing transitioned self in them. As I said earlier in this post, to me, not passing leaves you open to haters.
Perhaps it's not internal transphobia I feel after all, but instead it's a deep seated fear of not being seen or treated as 'normal'. In other words, losing cis privilege.
Quote from: suzifrommd on April 02, 2016, 05:30:36 AM
I became a trans activist. I got angry. I got angry at all the jerks and creeps that would take away our bathroom rights. I got angry at all the parents of innocent trans children who are punished, beaten, sent to quack therapies or just denied their identities. I got angry at all the employers that discriminate against decent hard working employees just because they are trans. I got angry at the churches who ought to know better but who make hate part of their doctrine to increase their following. I got angry at all the ignorant people who refuse to allow themselves to be educated about who we are. I got angry at all the cisgender doctors and scientists who would dare to claim to know better than we do who we are.
Anger beats shame hands down any time. Ask anyone involved in the civil rights, women's rights or any other struggle for recognition and fair treatment.
Suzi, you words really resonated with me. Thank you for posting!
Quote from: Midnightstar on April 02, 2016, 02:50:33 AM
Basically I use to actually be scared of transgender people, funny how that worked out sense i later figured out I'm transgender myself.
Same here. (I also used to be scared of stories where boys got turned into girls or dressed up as girls. Tip becoming Ozma
really made me queasy.)
I don't think it's a coincidence that I'm trans and was also afraid of trans people. I think at some deep unconscious level I felt -- or feared -- I
was a girl and someday someone would OMG find out and the "me" that I thought I was would get overwritten by that alien girl person. It's still buried deep; even now that I'm transitioning I can't get directly in touch with the feeling.
Once I admitted to myself I was trans, I started seeking out support groups so I could humanize my internal picture of trans women. It took a while, even then -- the first few sessions, I still mostly saw "them" as weird and disturbing.
Quote from: Ms Grace on April 02, 2016, 02:10:40 AM
I long held a belief that "trans people were weirdos, ...."
Same here. Of course,
I was constantly told I was a "weirdo" (or worse), to the point that I (outwardly) affected a sort of "weirdo pride" as a defense. It still hurt, though.
(Maybe I still do see trans women as "weird", but now that I
am one, it doesn't bother me so much :) )
Quote from: Violets on April 02, 2016, 01:09:51 AM
I've been on full dose HRT for nearly 10 months now, and I've been growing my hair out for 9 months. Whilst I still have a long way to go, people who don't know I'm trans are starting to notice the changes and are making comments. My issue is I feel embarrassed/ashamed about my changing appearance, particularly around men. I've received a lot of therapy over the years and I know there's nothing wrong with being trans, yet I just can't seem to shake the inner transphobia that's been with me for most of my life. It's this inner transphobia that made me fail my first attempt at transition 12 years ago. It this inner transphobia that drove me to (regrettably) have a bilateral mastectomy about 6 years ago. I haven't seen my therapist since last October but I have made an appointment to see her in 3 weeks to discuss this further.
HRT has literally been a lifesaver for me and there's no way I'll consider going off it again. The same goes with my hair, I love it!
I'm not doubting my identity or where I fit on the trans spectrum, the issue is purely related to being seen as visibly trans.
Has anyone else had this issue even after a lot of therapy? If so, how did you overcome it?
Mod note: moved as requested
Almost as though I wrote all this myself. Except the bi-lateral masectomy part. The girls never got too large between my on/off HRT for it's brain resetting magic and always being a tad gynocomastic.
It was like a bolt of lightning shot through me the day in my therapist off where for the upteenth time I said "I know I am a transsexual". At that point I took ownership of it. Fully and completely. I had two failed transition 'experiments' back in my early twenties. Failed mostly to internal combined with external transphobia. Both fed by the "Some guy in a dress" feeling that always overwhelmed me
It was perhaps 6-9 months after that day Joanne once again walked outside in the full light of day for her therapy appointment. Gone was the some guy in a dress to be replaced by the shear joy of being out in the real world as the real me.
Yet, today some... 5 or so years later the internalized transphobia is still there. Funny part is I'm not ashamed about being trans. It is what it is. A good part of my struggle these past 7 years is shedding a lot that lifetime of accumulated shame and guilt about being trans.
A spouse usually cannot see their mate as the opposite gender. Their entire body of experience is with their mate presenting one way. Seeing past that, unlearning some things are difficult to impossible. We spent a lifetime seeing our world one way. Totally against and hostile trans-people. Mostly, especially in the past like the 60's & 70's for me. Today it is like traveling to far distant galaxy in comparison. Far from perfect but infinitely better.
I expect the absolute worse to eventually happen if I do a full transition. I fully expect to loose pretty much all the respect I've earned where today I am a hero. In time the friction of me being there will lead to my dismissal making economic sense. That will lead to me loosing about a good 70% of my sense of self worth. Then for fun add into the mix a wife, who is supportive but to a point. That point has not yet been reached. Like any spouse she sure is not thrilled over me dropping the T-Bomb and she knew of my gender issues and history from about day 1.
Unlearning a lifetime of how we viewed, or picture, ourselves in a world living as our true selves, is a monumental task. The quest for total stealth I think is so we don't even have to even think about the day or time we get clocked and having to deal with it's affect on us. The revealing of all those buried fears, guilt, shame, even hatred, for being trans.
If only.....
I, for one, no matter how "Evolved" my therapist claims I am, will likely never loose these feelings of inner transphobia. In time, if/when the day comes that I need to transition the positive experiences will rule. The worse case scenario will not come about. It will be just as I said to my therapist about the only thing different if Joanne showed up to work is that I'll be wearing a skirt.