I guess I just need to get this off my chest. I am usually very positive, but I seem to be losing it today. I feel incredibly guilty. So many of you have dealt with so much bad stuff, awful things. Me, I have been lucky in so many ways. I am out to everyone I know including work. It couldn't have gone better. I am waiting for FFS with the plan of full time this summer. My wife supports me. I should be on top of the world. So why am I sitting here crying most of the day, feeling terrible? I am ashamed of myself. What right do I have feeling bad? All I can think of is that I have fought with myself for over fifty years to be a whole person. I have no capacity to wait anymore. I am done being patient. I am terrified that something will go wrong with my plans, and I will have to wait more. I can't stand looking in the mirror and not seeing me. I am 100% sure I am doing the right thing transitioning. I just am so scared that something will go wrong.
I apologize to anyone out there who is in real trouble. I thought I would try getting this out since these thoughts keep running over and over in my head. :( Sorry for my whining!
Moni
Sorry you are felling down at the moment.
Are you on HRT at the moment? That can often be the cause of intense emotional situations like this. Happened to me frequently during my first attempt at transition, usually for no apparent reason. If you are, and this is frequent, you may need to talk to your therapist and/or endo.
It's hard to be patient. I can only imagine how it must feel, after decades of pain, to see the light at the end of the tunnel but not be able to get there any quicker. I'd be impatient, too!
Hang in there! Be good to yourself in the meantime, 'cause you deserve it.
Hugs!
Thanks Kathy I appreciate it. I know tomorrow will be better. I'm giving myself today to be pathetic, then no more. Grace, I am on HRT since last June. I am used to the occasional crying jag and usually am very upbeat. It is just one of my rare bad days, only more bad than others. I liken this to studying like crazy for a test, but the test is moved to another day and I want to take it now.
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 02, 2016, 05:48:55 PM
Sorry for my whining!
Moni, please don't apologize for feeling life deeply. Anyone who can feel strong emotions is blessed. There are so many unfortunately people who go through life feeling nothing.
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 02, 2016, 05:48:55 PM
I just am so scared that something will go wrong.
I totally know about fear. Can you give yourself permission to be scared? To allow yourself to feel the fear, and hold yourself like you would a precious child and tell yourself it's OK to be scared.
Hugs, dear. We're here to listen whenever you need us.
Hi Moni,
Transition is difficult and at times scary. It is natural to think of something that can go wrong.
Quote from: suzifrommd on April 02, 2016, 06:56:31 PM
Moni, please don't apologize for feeling life deeply. Anyone who can feel strong emotions is blessed. There are so many unfortunately people who go through life feeling nothing.
I totally know about fear. Can you give yourself permission to be scared? To allow yourself to feel the fear, and hold yourself like you would a precious child and tell yourself it's OK to be scared.
Hugs, dear. We're here to listen whenever you need us.
Thanks Suzi. This made me feel good and made my cry too. (Big surprise, right?) I tell people that I used to see emotions in black and white. Since HRT, I see them in "living color." I am glad about it as I do feel more alive then ever before. Guess it is only fair to deal with the "downs" as well as the "ups."
Thanks Rachel! I hate being at the mercy of the doctors. Some of whom are not very responsive when you need them to be.
Moni
Moni,
There is nothing wrong with a really good cry.
Sometimes life is just that. Nothing except a cry seems to resolve it.
A cry for help? A cry because we just need to cry.
Isn't it wonderful? You can cry and your friends know why.
Welcome to the sisterhood.
Cindy
Quote from: suzifrommd on April 02, 2016, 06:56:31 PM
Moni, please don't apologize for feeling life deeply. Anyone who can feel strong emotions is blessed. There are so many unfortunately people who go through life feeling nothing.
This is gold! And must not be forgotten,
It is perfectly fine to let it all out, cry till you feel sick, cry till you can't cry no more!
You would think those days are over, "a thing of the past" but I grew up with a father who was always so hard on anything nice, any romance on TV or sad films, "turn that off" and as usual he controled TV anyway, I remember putting up those cold walls, that hard outer exterior, crying stopped, I remember swallowing them tears, be it emotional or physical pain! I treid to be the best "man" I could be, worked harder than anyone I ever worked with, but still I was insulted with terms like "->-bleeped-<-" or "queer" by my father! Now I'm 25 moved out in another country with my GF, we watch romantic sad films and I can cry and be myself, sometimes I cry, I never think I'm gona stop! I'm not even on hormones yet, its just being mentally liberated!
Becoming a cold and hard stone is what alot do! It so sad, when as women we are the complete opposite!
You have every right to cry and get it off your chest here too!
Do not feel bad for that
*HUGS* Christine
Having Hope is better far better then feeling hopelessness. But, if like me much of your past life experiences having hope eventually led to major disappointment or disaster. You have come so far. Everything is coming together without any disasters, despite your worse fears.
So When Will "IT" Happen?
Just the other day with my therapist I was in tears for much the same feelings you voiced. I am so very fortunate. So many things in my life are far far better then they were 8 years ago before taking on the trans-beast. In expecting a disaster, I guess I am often looking forward to it finally happening. Finally getting it over with.
So of course bring on the self destructive behaviours.
While they can be inexplicable at times, I'd rather have this far fuller spectrum of emotions I have today vs the two I had before. Working on my personal growth and HRT has enabled that.
Another in the plus column for HRT is I always get to pull the 'Hormones' card on my wife :D
Joanne, Christine, and Cindy, thank you for caring enough to give me support when I could use it. It means a lot.
I am enjoying the sisterhood. I really am in the happiest time of my life. I do feel a little like the girl who comes out of the dessert after so long, and finally gets a sip of water. I don't want anything to happen to stop me from drinking more. With my job in the school system I have a window of time in which to do things transition wise or I have to put things off a year(for example surgery.) I can't imagine waiting another year especially at my age. I will try my best to be optimistic. With something so important to me, I try to keep a bit of skepticism to protect myself.
Moni