Hi everyone, I only registered yesterday despite having come here a few times in the past to read the forums. The reason why I decided to register yesterday was because I felt that I had come to a point where I simply had to admit that I may be living in blatant denial regarding my gender. Also, please forgive any faux pas I may make and (gently) enlighten me should I make any. Please be warned, this is going to be a really long post...
Basically, I am living currently living as a man, but am considering going on mtf HRT. The problem is that I am not sure whether I am just going through a phase as a cis female friend said, or whether I am right and have simply been in blatant denial... Or belong in one of the other sub-forums.
So about me... I turned 31 earlier this year, and lived most of my life in the developed parts of Asia (primarily Singapore). Despite being a westernised cosmopolitan society, Singapore is still an Asian society which tend towards... Traditional gender roles and conservatism. I started cross dressing at the age of 4 with the first time sparked off by what I think was curiosity, but found that I liked it and quietly continued doing it without being caught by my parents except for one time by my Mom (when I was 12) and she yelled at me for hours... And another time by my grandmother (at the age of 9 I think) who proceeded to give me a lengthy lecture about why men shouldn't do that.
In nursery school and kindergarten, I preferred to make friends with girls, but my best friend in kindergarten was a boy. Despite this, I spent most of my break time playing with the girls since I didn't quite fit in with the boys and they knew this and often bullied me. I ended up in hospital for a week once after being kicked in the stomach.
Following the British education system, I spent the next 6 years in primary school (elementary) and 4 years in secondary school (junior high)... All of which were all boy schools. I never really fit in with the boys, was constantly bullied, cried a lot and kept seeking attention because I was lonely. Outside of school however, most of my friends were girls. Even when I was 13, I somehow ended up in the girls' room for girls' chat during a church camp... Other than me, all boys were banned from entering the room during the chat. Yet the girls considered a guy... but who could be part of the group... but was still treated as a straight guy... Anyway...
At home, when no one was in, I would quietly cross-dress and daydream or pretend that I was a girl (even without cross-dressing). This habit continued on (without stopping) till the present day especially after I went overseas for further education and what-nots; living alone gave me the freedom to dress however I wanted and I now have more clothes (and shoes) for women than for men.
I don't really think most of this part is that important, but I'll add it anyway. The latter half of secondary school (4 years in total) resulted in a marked change when I went about trying to make my life easier for myself and finally got the bullying to stop. I even managed to get voted to the position of assistant house captain (think Harry Potter, Gryffindor and Hufflepuff). After graduating from secondary school (junior high), I did a year and a half of film school before dropping out and attending a normal senior high (2 years) which was rather rough, and I adapted well, was never bullied, protected others in school, had more male friends than female friends, but preferred talking one to one with the girls. Everyone continued to describe me as different, strange, arcane... And it wasn't just them. I always felt something was off but I never understood why.
I am attracted to women. I find them beautiful and aesthetically pleasing... And a source of great jealousy. In general, I am not attracted to men; I don't know whether the general lack of attraction to men is innate or due to circumstances since a lot of Asian men are homophobic. I do have gay (and lesbian) friends, but watching the stuff gays are subjected to can be very scary. Admittedly, I have caught myself looking weirdly at some of my male friends and shake myself out of it, but I don't know whether that is normal (and simply just assume it is).
I however, enjoy looking at women... Not just at their faces or figures, I often look at women simply to look at their fashion sense. I have a terrible (read as nonexistent) male fashion sense, and for some reason can't (or maybe subconsciously don't want to) cultivate it. Since the age of 12 however, women have been coming to me for fashion advice (including make up colours); if I am around, my mother always asks me for my opinion before buying jewellery. I often give girls fashion makeovers and my last ex-girlfriend (who was the only person who I let in on my secret) complained that I had nicer clothes than she did.
Puberty and the continued effects of being a man has caused me a great deal of disgust. I find all this "manly" hair disgusting and shave them off every two days. I still looked somewhat androgynous at 24, but that has disappeared ever since I nearer 30. Somehow my shoulders got broader (than their already broad frame), my facial features got more masculine and I have started finding a gradual increase in facial hair over the past few years that caused me to give up plucking them out with tweezers. It doesn't help that I live in Japan, where I often find myself looking at the legs, arms, and what-nots of girls in jealously and longing. Especially the legs and their hair styles. I grew my hair out long ago (and have always preferred to keep my hair long), but you know... Gender roles? There are so many hairstyles that I would like to have but cannot have because it is associated with girls. I feel like screaming now. Just so jealous. >_<
In the backdrop of all this, I would, on an almost daily basis, quietly daydreaming of a future where technology finally reached a point where we could reverse ageing and could successfully grow new bodies. In these daydreams, I would have completely most of my current life goals and would opt to ditch this male body and finally get to live a life as a girl.
To this end, I would regularly try to keep up with any scientific research that could possibly lead to breakthroughs to this dream that I am sure I share with everyone here.
However, I always justified these thoughts as, "well, eventually you'll get bored of being a man an want to see what the other side is like right?". I justified it as such recently while discussing the matter with a friend... But in retrospect, I was probably saying it to hide my own true feelings.
I have a long history of playing computer games (mmorpgs and RPGs). It was part of the teen culture when I was growing up and I quickly got hooked but... I always play female characters when possible. In regards to this, I have known exactly what I was doing all along. I have always viewed the character I played as a projection of my desires and always enjoyed dressing up my character. I have however, never hidden the fact that I was a guy... Despite being regularly mistaken for a girl unless I made it very very clear, and was a huge headache during the days before voice chat was prevalent since I actually found guys talking behind my back calling me cute or doubting that I was a guy, which then led to some guys messaging my real life friends who also played the game... Asking my friends to introduce them to that girl (me) outside the game. Creeps.
During those years, I joined a guild where the guild leader was gay and he made it a point to flirt with me everyday and kept telling me that I'm obviously not a heterosexual male and that I'm something else- not necessarily gay, but obviously not what I thought I was. With time, I let him in on my secret (this came later), and he said that he was right. He... Had this strange effect on me. All the compliments he gave me somehow made me feel oddly happy and before I knew it, I felt like a switch in my head had been flicked and the male persona that I lived each day with would disappear, leaving behind a very girlish and shy version of me. I would keep rebuffing his flirting and act annoyed, but I would feel this strange joy radiating from my chest (as opposed to my mind) and this silly slight smile on my face. In short, he somehow managed to drag out this part of me that I know is being suppressed and made me feel happy.
Sadly, real life pressure caused me to stop playing that game and we fell out of the habit of being in contact. I eventually assumed that that had all been a phase of my life that I outgrew.
I still maintain that I am attracted to girls... Normally.
I have had a few girlfriends, but only one has been let in on my secret of cross-dressing. I also suffer (yes, suffer) from an above average libido that annoys me. As a guy in a relationship, I tend towards being dominant? Can't think of the correct term for it. But when I am caught in a sexual or flirting situation that I don't expect, I immediately turn shy and demure.. Or run away.
<sighs> maybe I'm giving too much info... Or giving too much irelevant info. I'll try to end this quickly since I've already written so much. Sorry!
So... A few days ago while reading up about mtf sex change yet again... I suddenly thought that maybe I should change my diet and eat flaxseeds in a bid to increase estrogen... I was already about to order them online when I realised that if I'm going that far, why don't I just try out mtf hormone therapy to see how I feel about it (seems like there is no psych report requirements in Japan). Well, after thinking about trying out mtf hormone therapy and realising that I was serious, did I realise that hey... I do have a problem and that I need to stop being in denial.
After talking to a friend about it, who said that she would contact a transwoman friend of our's for her opinion, I went on to contact my former guild leader (who is gay) again- just to let him know that he's right... And wrong. That I am still only attracted to women.
Him being him, caused the inner side of me to come out and I was quickly blushing and hiding half my face under the blanket. Don't exactly want to go into details about the conversation but, at one point, I was a little annoyed with him being so terribly obtuse that I thought "urgh men!". Then he said that he was sorry because he has to go out on a date. I felt happy for him... But at the same time angry and jealous... And proceeded to whine about men to my friend (cis woman) and throw a tantrum on my couch... She's an old friend who's never seen me behave like that before. All attempts to get me to behave normally failed and ended with her getting me to shut up... And then correctly telling me to stop pouting at the phone...
It has been a day and a half since then, and I have come to accept that that is not a phase and there is more to this than I thought. While I have reverted back to the normal men, I'm now also in touch with the inner me that I normally would have entirely suppressed and hidden.
One of my friends says that I most probably have GID... Another claims that this should just be a phase. My transwoman friend thinks that I simply have hormone imbalance and too much estrogen and says that a person is only a transwoman if they have known it their entire life (which seems to conflict with what some of you ladies said in one of the other threads). Another claims that I am looking for justification of my life... I am now feeling somewhat confused.
I made a decision, independently of them, of going through with seeing a doctor for mtf HRT and deciding to do so made me feel very happy. I only intend to be on mtf HRT for 3 months... 4 if I really push it, to see how the chemicals affect my mind. After that I intend to stop; if I feel that this isn't what I want, I'll walk away from it. If this is indeed what I want, then I'll have to start making arrangements and tidying up the loose ends of my life before going back on mtf HRT or take the plunge as I called it. (Although while thinking about it, I have to admit that I might be very reluctant to come off the treatment).
The big problem is that I am also worried that I might be wrong and they might be right- this is a pretty big decision and while most of the possible effects of 3 months are reversible, some aren't... And as I have quickly learn to this forum, ymmv means that I'm really rolling dice here.
I could spend more time seeing a psychologist but, the idea of dealing with Japanese mental healthcare (which is atrocious) leaves me not wanting to have to deal with it. I have a history of suffering from dysthymia and clinical depression... The last time I went to see a psychologist in Japan, he asked my ex-gf and best friend whether I get angry for no apparent reason. Both of them said "No he doesn't." And the doctor replied, "it's alright, I understand... He gets angry for no apparent reason." "No, that's not what we mean." "It's fine, it's fine. I understand, he has bipolar disorder." "No, that is not what we are saying..." In case you are wondering, I went back to Singapore and got properly diagnosed with depression.
Yes, as much as possible, I really don't want to have to deal with the psychologists over here.
Going back to my native Singapore where I can actually get good psychologists on the other hand, is out of the question because... I'm not ready to deal with my parents... and due to my commitments in Japan (resulting in my being back in Singapore for a month or two each year).
Truth be told, I'll probably have to get around to doing some sort of psych evaluation over here anyway, but I still would like to hear the opinions of you ladies...
Once again, sorry for the long post and, please be gentle with me...
Welcome to Susan's Place. I had the answer before I was a quarter of the way through it. You are transgender and possibly transsexual (you will have to decide that). Starting HRT will make you feel better and quitting will return you to your current state. I think a full transition is were you will want to be but there are others on the site who present male but remain on HRT because a full transition would disrupt their life to much. You might consider an online therapist and use Skype for your sessions. That would give you a western therapist without the need to travel. You were born transgender and there isn't a treatment to change your mind, the only solution will be to alter you body in a way that will make you comfortable. Feel free to ask me any questions you might have.
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Thank you very much for the quick response and advice! ^^
I feel a lot more reassured about the decision I have made.
And I'll start reading the links. Thank you again! ^^
Dear Silrevia,
I read your post and my impression is that you are probably transgender. Be careful not to confuse gender identity and sexual attraction. They are two different things. There is a lot on this subject as you look around these boards. You can be transgender and be attracted to males or females. From the length of time you described having your feelings, I doubt this is a phase. You would do well listening to the people on this site. Most people out in the world who aren't exposed to the issue, usually have no clue what they are talking about. That includes some therapists. An informed therapist is a great thing for some folks. You will also find a lot of warning about self medicating. Bad idea to self medicate! My prediction is that once you get on HRT you will not want to get off of it. It can do wonders for the distress of gender issues. Also, when you have feelings like you do, it is probably very unlikely they will ever just go away.
Moni