People tell me all the time I have nothing to worry about. I get dressed up, I am told I am not just passable, but pretty. My voice is decent, it needs a little more polish (I want a more resonant, bold tone, since I intend to do public speaking and teaching later in life.) I look in the mirror and I like what I see most of the time. I've been on HRT (only estrogen and progesterone, not androgen blockers until next month) for about two months now. I feel so much better inside, my breasts are developing quickly (and painfully) and my neck and arms have slimmed down, which boosts my confidence. I feel like I'm ready to start going out.
And yet I went out tonight for the first time dressed up. I wore a long velvet skirt and a long-sleeved shirt, my long leather jacket, and my breast forms (they're the same size as my mom and sister's breasts, which is what my doctor told me to expect.) I felt like I looked alright. I think I'm pretty, my friends and family agree (but I don't know why it's so hard to internalize it.)
I was with one of my best friends, and she kept reassuring me. I couldn't help it. I was so nervous. I felt like crying. I found myself being afraid to talk or even look at people, which is so uncharacteristic of me it hurts. This is very jarring for me because I'm such an outgoing person. I've never in my life cared for what people think of me. I absolutely hate how being in public makes me feel now.
These are my two favorite pictures:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi22.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fb340%2FOmikro%2F2007-10-17-64596.jpg&hash=d47f41d72dcabf7b2ece0f7d836f04b87ede77d7)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi22.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fb340%2FOmikro%2FNice.jpg&hash=f8a6522cfb0911a96a8f7d5c91ad56390dc50dab)
We went shopping at the mall, and then had dessert at a nice restaurant. No one seemed to really give me a second thought, yet I was haunted. Sometimes I just want to become a recluse again, hiding in my house until I can afford the time off for my FFS (have the money, just can't miss any school). I know that's probably not a good idea, seeing as I have a nagging desire to go out and socialize. I love being around people, I always have, and I think that's what hurts me the most about this. I want to be myself, but I'm just too terrified that no one else wants me to be myself.
It's hurting me. I didn't feel better after coming home tonight. I felt terrified and shaky. I still feel like weeping, yet nothing bad happened at all. Do I just need more practice? Do I need to force myself to do this?
I hate feeling this way. I am a confident person. I am supposed to have presence and poise. I am not supposed to be shy or scared.
My therapist will surely have advice monday... but until then, I am curious if you all can relate any experiences.
~ BB
Hey Blair,
I can't relate to you in the sense that I actually haven't explored the world yet as my "true self," but I think most people here will tell you that if you keep doing it, it becomes more natural each time. At least that's what I think. This is just all on my opinion because I haven't been where you are yet, and am probably more scared than you about it :)
Anyways, keep your head up and be yourself and I think you'll do fine. If you keep doing it for so long, I don't think it can bother you hehe.
Hi, Blair,
So it was your first time out, enjoying life? Good on ya!
Feeling scared or insecure? It happens. Treat it like falling off your bicycle: get on it again and continue riding. No one paid you any exceptional attention? Great, you blend into the tapestry of people going about their business.
My advice is very simple because I do best with simple stuff: Find out who you are, then be her. Whatever you can see in your mind's eye, you can do it. You can be outgoing when you want to, and reserved if you so desire. It's all up to you.
Most people are not two-dimensional, nor are they monochrome. There are exceptions to this statement, but people come in a myriad of shapes, sizes, with "personality colors" that cover the entire spectrum. You're part of that group so enjoy! Be whoever you want, whenever you want, just be sure that it is the real you.
Keep a smile handy because a lot of communication between women and sometimes with men is done non-verbally. Nods work, too.
The first time I hit the streets I looked "as rough as a cob." I had just started HRT and nothing was blooming. I had all of the femininity of my original self because that's who I was before I troweled-on the Cover Girl makeup, but I didn't let that stop me. I put on my top, no breast forms, my shorts, black sandals, an acrylic wig, and I carried a teensy purse that was too small to hold a pack of gum, black, on a black spaghetti strap.
I did not give a hoot what anyone thought. They saw and heard me just as I was, and I was bold and proud. I went shopping and out to supper at a crowded, trendy place in town, and I didn't care.
I enjoyed my first day out, and every day after that.
Be bold, not pushy or obnoxious. Be confident. You deserve to be confident.
I hope that this helps. Please continue to share your experiences with us.
Wing Walker
It's not going to be easy the first few times, but things will get better. It's a big change. And, as you continue to go things will get better and better for you.
I've had experiences like yours, and so have many of the people in here. Even after being full-time for quite sometime I still would get times when I didn't feel as good and it was hard, but I kept going.
--natalie
Posted on: October 18, 2007, 01:33:21 AM
PS Congrats on your first time out!
My first night out was in November 1984........it seemed to go quite well
Oh my God, weird update. If this doesn't completely remove any doubts about myself (or at least tell me I have no excuse to be nervous or scared) I don't know what does. I went out to eat alone last night, wearing andro clothes, a leather jacket and I didn't even bother shaving off the lingering facial hair that's still being taken care of. I wasn't trying, since I had to leave the house in a hurry.
I got ma'amed by the girl at the counter. I was looking to the side, and I had my hair done, but still. When I turned to look at her I just wanted to say "Thank you...", but I knew it would seem a little bizarre. So I just blinked and stared. She "corrected" herself after scrutinizing me for a couple seconds. It made me sad.
So yeah, no excuse now. Especially not when my name change goes through.
This takes me back to my early teenaged days, when everyone thought I was a girl! To think I got mad about it back then. :D
~ BB
That's awesome Blair :) A huge congrats to you!
Congrats, Blair!
You did not learn to walk over night. And this is even harder. So give yourself some time. You will get better and more confident.
What are your goals? Do you want to stand out or to blend in?
Next time, you might try doing a spy trip where you want to go, and wearing the same things as the girls are. That will help you a lot.
Best wishes!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg118.exs.cx%2Fimg118%2F6682%2Fq6ibounce.gif&hash=a5449d436b9453bf2096477827f3ef907b4cee95)Kristi
Quote from: Blair on October 18, 2007, 12:08:39 AM
It's hurting me. I didn't feel better after coming home tonight. I felt terrified and shaky. I still feel like weeping, yet nothing bad happened at all. Do I just need more practice? Do I need to force myself to do this?
I hate feeling this way. I am a confident person. I am supposed to have presence and poise. I am not supposed to be shy or scared.
My therapist will surely have advice monday... but until then, I am curious if you all can relate any experiences.
Totally can relate!
I posted elsewhere about my passing fears... I was worried they'd NEVER go away. But trust me, IT GETS BETTER. The only thing that seems to cure it is to just get out there, more and more, in spite of the fears. Encouragement from friends and family helped me to find the courage to DO that, but in the end only actual experience is getting me over my fears.
And even after being
Out There for a long time with nothing bad happening, I STILL kept waiting for it, for the
Big Nasty Event I "knew" was coming. It took me a LONG time to even begin to get over that. I'm still a bit wary I'll admit, but nothing like before. Before, The Fear was a 24/7 thing. Now.. it's just a a dim whisper now and then... and fading fast ;)
~Kate~
Quote from: Kristi on October 19, 2007, 03:17:36 PM
Congrats, Blair!
You did not learn to walk over night. And this is even harder. So give yourself some time. You will get better and more confident.
What are your goals? Do you want to stand out or to blend in?
Next time, you might try doing a spy trip where you want to go, and wearing the same things as the girls are. That will help you a lot.
Best wishes!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg118.exs.cx%2Fimg118%2F6682%2Fq6ibounce.gif&hash=a5449d436b9453bf2096477827f3ef907b4cee95)Kristi
I always want to stand out. I am the type to draw attention to myself. Which is why I hate feeling shy and afraid. Just need experience, like Kate said. Have to get used to it. I'll be fine.
~ BB