Well, for a while now I have been planning my social transition and my coming out at work. With the help of others I have been able to make significant steps toward accomplishing that monumental task. The road has not been easy and I have found out very quickly who my allies are and who are my enemies.
My therapist thought it would be a good idea, and suggested that I have a discussion with my companies owner about my being intersex/transgender. After deliberating I finally wrote a long letter to her detailing my concerns. Had I thought some more on this issue I would have not sent this letter. In the letter I disclosed a ton of private information. I sent the letter from my personal email to her personal email. Two weeks went by before I heard a response.
I do not know if you have experienced this or not but when you come out to someone, they may have a favorable response but over time you see their real feelings. Sometimes it takes a week maybe more. After drafting this letter I started to see through this individuals earlier response to me. When she didn't answer I figured the worst. I keep saying that a piece of my dies with every new person i come out to... it's so true too. It must be my male side. I cant count how many times i have felt betrayed just in the last week.
To my chagrin I received and email from HR as I packed to go home for vacation. "The company owners shared your email with us." "We need to talk when you get back", the email stated. I felt betrayed. I mentioned that this email was to be confidential and still she carelessly forwarded it to the HR department. Don't be deceived this kind of thing happens a lot. You learn this over coming out process.
I returned from my week of vacation and sure enough... as soon as I walked into the office HR wanted to speak. They were very supportive but I was by no means ready to come out at work or even deal with this conversation. I have been on hormones almost 7 months now and I just came out to my parents while on vacation. I didn't even know what to ask HR, how to prepare, or even what i wanted to do. I was just afraid of losing my job for being genuine.
A week past. I was at home relaxing and enjoying my weekend when I was sent a text from a friend, alerting me that two people I work with in the office were told about me when they sought answers for a rumor that I was gay. A close friend of mine... hell a family member so it would seem, decided to "defend me" and dispelled the rumor by saying, no he's transgender and there is a medical explanation. Not only did she have the story wrong but she outed me after saying "This is a personal thing that only YOU tell someone." My head swirled. I wanted to address everything right then and there but it would have to wait till Monday morning.
I came into work on Monday with damage control in mind though I couldn't have imagined how much damage there truly was. The rumor had started the previous Thursday and had spread from the factory floor to the executive offices in less than a day. That Friday I had just come out to the CEO and finally my boss. Monday the rumor had exploded.
I had planned on telling the people I worked with on a person to person basis. I was working my way through and by Monday I had approximately about 30% of them in the know. Still had quite a few more to tell but it was manageable. I talked to the ladies that my friends outed me too and found out about the rumor and how far it spread. I then talked to HR and realized I needed to get ahead of the rumor. I spent most of the day coming out to the remaining employees as a professional courtesy. What a mentally taxing and emotional day.
To be outed by a friend is heartbreaking. I want so much to be angry at her but lets face it... she did something I couldn't do yet. Are we ever ready? Every one that I spoke too already knew or heard the rumor. I venture to guess that 75% of the factory knows and 80% of the executives know. It really doesn't matter at this point.
I worked with HR for a solid week making plans for my impending coming out at work. The shock is already evident and I have decided not to wait. Because of some per-existing health concerns I am out of the office for 2 weeks recovering from an orchidectomy. When I return I will return as Amanda.
I've been fearful of my return to work but as I sit here and think about it... there is nothing to fear. Ever since the surgery i have felt totally different. More female than ever. I am who I am. I know there will be a bathroom issue but I guess it will get addressed as I go along. Another friend i lost this week was very bold to tell me "You're not using the ladies room, that's just weird."
I've lost a ton of friends in this whole ordeal. I still have a ton of people to tell but that will come in time. I believe right now the only true friends I have are trans because they can understand the struggle. In order to continue to forge forward i have needed to adopt the F$%* em' mantra, otherwise it hurts too much. My eyes are open.
I did nothing but stress and plan my transition. In the end nothing I planned came to fruition, good bad or other. I had so much anxiety about work and now I just feel free. Being out in public is now not a big deal. If some one sees me that i work with, who cares.
It looks like I won't lose my job and my role is likely to stay the same so that's a blessing. I just can't believe what has transpired in the last week. I'm out at work, publicly, and socially. It feels good but i cant help but look around at all the corpses laying around me of people that i cared about that so obviously didn't care about me.
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I'm sorry those things happened to you, I seriously can't believe the big boss shared your email with HR like that. And as for so called friends with fat mouths and loose lips I can readily believe it, nothing spreads on the grapevine quicker than gossip about someone being trans. Regrettable as those experiences are though, they are in the past now and we can only hope that, in moving forward, that things improve for you. Give some of those "lost" people a bit of time, once they get to meet and know the person you are they will hopefully come around.
You survived. That is great. So sorry you had to go through such betrayal. I think Ms. Grace is right. Give it some time. You might find people in your corner you did not expect or realize.
It must be hard to be at that place of freedom, seeing the cost. However, it is freedom. Now there are only the sets of challenges that being beyond the dual personality part of transition brings you.(awkward sentence but you may catch my drift).
I hope things calm down and smooth out for you now.
With warmth,
Joanna
Ouch! That's one bumpy road you just went over. I think the weeks off on medical leave will be good for the situation. It will give some time for the dust to settle at work. And you probably need a little time by yourself to lick your wounds. Minds and emotions can be bruised, just like bodies can.
To this outsider, it sounds like your friend had good intentions in defending you. She just screwed it all up in the execution. Good idea to sit down with her and debrief what happened. She messed up, but she was on your side. You still need her on your side.