I have my next endocrinologist appointment in June and I'm having a lot of anxiety about this upcoming appointment. I've already got all my blood results in so that means I am just waiting around for her to talk about me going on a blocker for my monthly and then asking about testosterone. If I am correct I should be able to take Testosterone really soon and I'm extremely scared. It is Such a long wait that it's causing me to have a lot of nervousness and I am scared by the time June comes around I'm going to end up backing away and not making the decision. This time I have built my confidence and courage to the max and I have this long wait that is slowly eating away that courage and confidence that iv'e created.
I know I'm brave enough and I knows people see me as a fighter, but I feel like I'm the only person who could openly admit I'm scared this close to testosterone. I'm scared because it may be wrong and wrong is a scary word to me especially when testosterone isn't something that can be completely taken away after so long. I've gone over that so most of you know why I'm probably scared already. So whats my problem now? THE WAITING!
I am going to go INSANE! I'm sure everybody else is all hyped up about their waiting Experience every video I've ever looked up I see people just freaking out and excited.
and i'm over here going "Please, please don't let me be wrong again in my life" okay I completely get it we are different so i shouldn't think about them. But I have to because I never hear about anybody still doubting at this stage. And I don't want to back out because I really want this iv'e come so far! It would be ridiculous if I turned around now and it was all for nothing. And I feel if it goes on for any longer and this wait gets longer i'm going to not have that courage to continue.
In reality I'm a little more than chicken I'm a coward of a human being.
yes i know I got time to wait but i don't want to wait. Its confusing me why is it im so scared and then i know i can wait yet feel like waiting is killing me inside?
:( sorry for that long vent
Take a few moments and come to rest.
Then look inside and think about what your dreams are.
I presume they probably show you as a man.
Hold on to that image.
The mind often comes up with what ifs, with logical reasons.
Try to listen to your heart.
You are brave, you have done this ... just go on, its a step by step process.
Don't overthink, just do the next step.
*hugs*
Quote from: Laura_7 on April 25, 2016, 12:40:04 PM
Take a few moments and come to rest.
Then look inside and think about what your dreams are.
I presume they probably show you as a man.
Hold on to that image.
The mind often comes up with what ifs, with logical reasons.
Try to listen to your heart.
You are brave, you have done this ... just go on, its a step by step process.
Don't overthink, just do the next step.
*hugs*
I have been calming down iv'e distracted myself and had a good time a couple nights ago and everything.
My dreams vary with gender and a lot of times and the weird thing is i always look the same as now
my dreams don't focus on gender as much as they do me running away of freaking out if they do focus on gender
it's almost like i am scared of everything and its weird to describe.
Quote from: Midnightstar on April 25, 2016, 12:33:55 PM
:( sorry for that long vent
No sweat.
Change is scary. Before starting HRT and then again before SRS I thought long and hard about the permanent changes I was about to make to my body.
I decided there's no way I could ever be certain. The best I could do is to learn all I could, make the best decision I could and then hope that I made the right one. Anyone who tells you they are certain is lying to themselves.
I'll caution against labeling yourself a "coward". That's a very loaded word, designed to shame people into being manipulated. Only people with no wisdom at all feel no fear.
It helped for me to acknowledge my uncertainty and allow myself to admit that I'm uncertain.
Quote from: Midnightstar on April 25, 2016, 12:43:54 PM
I have been calming down iv'e distracted myself and had a good time a couple nights ago and everything.
My dreams vary with gender and a lot of times and the weird thing is i always look the same as now
my dreams don't focus on gender as much as they do me running away of freaking out if they do focus on gender
it's almost like i am scared of everything and its weird to describe.
Try to sit quiet for a moment ... and concentrate on an inner vision of yourself and your future ...
what image do you have of yourself, and how would you like to be ?
You have thought about this for a long time, and
Its very likely something comes up ... and an inner knowing ...
And I'd say try to reduce stress ... try to have some relaxation, don't do too much things you feel are stressful ...
*hugs*
Im going through something similar. Went to orientation for HRT last friday. Doctor appt for blood work is next monday and then I get a third appointment when ill receive a prescription. Although for me its more the absence of waiting that is freaking me out. Its all happening really fast now and im JUST NOT COMPLETELY SURE. Its all really REAL and my heads been spinning a bit... anyhow, hope you find some quiet and some clarity! :)
Quote from: joanie on April 25, 2016, 01:57:40 PM
Im going through something similar. Went to orientation for HRT last friday. Doctor appt for blood work is next monday and then I get a third appointment when ill receive a prescription. Although for me its more the absence of waiting that is freaking me out. Its all happening really fast now and im JUST NOT COMPLETELY SURE. Its all really REAL and my heads been spinning a bit... anyhow, hope you find some quiet and some clarity! :)
Usually they start out with a low dose.
So you have a few weeks to see how it makes you feel. Nothing is permanent then.
Usually people report a feeling of relief.
hugs
thanks, that is comforting. So far every step further towards transition i take, the happier i seem. BUT it hasnt gotten into the public sphere yet, so the negative social consequences have yet to occur.. its those that i wish i could weigh on the balance with the negatives of not transitioning, as i am not at the place where its utterly do or die.... Still, I feel like I really need to try HRT.. I imagine it will be a relief just to not be going round and round forever about what the heck im gonna doooooo ! :)
Quote from: joanie on April 25, 2016, 02:12:22 PM
thanks, that is comforting. So far every step further towards transition i take, the happier i seem. BUT it hasnt gotten into the public sphere yet, so the negative social consequences have yet to occur.. its those that i wish i could weigh on the balance with the negatives of not transitioning, as i am not at the place where its utterly do or die.... Still, I feel like I really need to try HRT.. I imagine it will be a relief just to not be going round and round forever about what the heck im gonna doooooo ! :)
It depends on dosage but its possible you have two months or more.
So quite a few weeks to see how you feel.
Many transgender people have kind of a craving for the hormones of the gender they identify with, and psychological effects may be among the first. So as said its well possible a feeling of relief sets in.
hugs
First off; breathe ;). Secondly; you've wanted this for a long time so it must be the right decision. You don't have to be on T forever if you don't think it fits with how you identify. Think back how you felt a year ago and how far you have come. I'm sure most trans people panic just before starting HRT. The ones you see on youtube are the minority and may not be brave enough to confess to being nervous. Once you're on T for a month or two the worries go away. Find stuff to distract yourself and the time will fly by.
Btw; I didn't see it as strange that you see yourself how you look now in dreams. It's not like you know what you will look like on T. In dreams I'm just myself.
Quote from: Elis on April 25, 2016, 03:53:54 PM
Btw; I didn't see it as strange that you see yourself how you look now in dreams. It's not like you know what you will look like on T. In dreams I'm just myself.
Lol it was not meant literally as dream but as kind of an inner image.
Many people say how they look in dreams (the nightly ones :) ) goes along with their progress.
But there are some who look there like their preferred gender already.
hugs
Speaking of dreams. I had a dream that I had suddenly had SRS :)