As someone who's facing the trans monster in their late thirties, I'm starting to find alot of conflict between the old me, an emotionally cold and purely analytical thinker, and the rapidly developing female personality who's more about emotions and doing what feels right. I've reached the point where I really need to settle on if I'm going to transition or not. The old me says I don't need too (I could live miserable and dysphoric), but the new girl in me wants it more than anything. How did others resolve this conflict?
Reminds me of Susan's byline in the website header. Something about balance and the edge ;) It is challenging to deal with different internalized personas and aspects of our gender identity. It's difficult enough that many of us will prefer a polar change and feel we must move toward the so called opposite binary gender. Some of us do find a sense of peace and are content with the internal dialogue and need not transition outwardly. It does work OK for some while others will look over the edge and make the leap.
I kept my girl under wraps for way too long. Eventually the dysphoria, shame and fear needed to get out of my way. Transition can be profound and highly visible or just something you work through in privacy to the extent you are comfortable. We do not have to lose everything we are to add more clarity, depth and definition. The new you could be an amalgam of the old while accepting yourself and doing what "feels right."
Tessa, I agree that bringing the two parts together is my aim, and in my head that's been going well. And they do play together quite well, the old me had some useful skills, and did well in life, though was never happy.
I feel I've come about as far as I can without both coming out more publicly, and also starting down the HRT road, but the decision to do this is tearing me apart. Need/want, need/want, is there even any difference for me any more??? No one (worth listening to) can tell me what I should do, but I'm paralyzed by this internal conflict. Arrggg.
That internal conflict can last longer than the utility it offers us and is the stuff of a million pages here. We have so many valid reasons to avoid the choices presented and then live in some kind of limbo by default. The "what ifs" are endless.
At least you are addressing the question. It took me decades to face myself and accept the truth. How long have you got?
When I decided to seek treatment, I had been living with the feelings for about 10 year and it had pushed me to the point of suicide. I was able to live with the feeling for a while but over time, the constant pain wears you down. I think someday you will make the decision to transition if you don't do it now. The proof of this is on this site. Often we see people who have been dealing with the discomfort for years and they are just now dealing with it. The real question is would you like to transition now or in ten or twenty years?
Remember that the decision isn't final and you have the right to change your mind if it's not working but few do.
Tessa, since confronting this 18 months ago, so much has changed for me internally, I'm now certain that going back in the closet is not an option for me.
Dena, I knew by 18 I wanted this, and I sat on those feelings for 20 years out of fear and shame.
I know I can't go back, but going forward still scares the heck out of me, I've never made an uncalculated decision in my life, time for the first...
Quote from: meganjames2 on April 27, 2016, 05:52:41 PM
I know I can't go back, but going forward still scares the heck out of me, I've never made an uncalculated decision in my life, time for the first...
I remember having a very similar conversation with myself.
In the end, my transition was very calculated. I figured out a timeline, with best and worst case scenarios and contingencies. I found it very comforting, though there were almost no unexpected problems.
Suzi, I've be been taking the same approach, thanks to all the wonderful advice on this forum. I've spent the last 18 months doing alot of prep-work. Lost >100lbs, and got myself fit and healthy. Laser hair removal almost complete on face, voice training under way, been building up wardrobe, and makeup skills, and had a hair transplant last month. I'm living part-time at home, and going out to a local support group and other places where I'm unlikely to bump into friends or colleagues. HRT is the next big step for me to try.
This sounds oh so familiar to this chick! I knew I was female at an early age for ne reason and another hid it, tried, dressed in secret, drank like a fish and then....the realisation that I was going nowhere except to a lonely grave.
Of course making the decision and carrying through are different tasks!
And yes it was hard. Me a professional scientist, cancer research worker, a Professor with millions of dollars of research funds over the years, and international reputation, PhD students, professional colleagues; suddenly becoming a rather emotional woman with nowhere to hide anymore.
No lab to hide in, no studies to pretend that consumed my life, instead facing the fact I am a woman with female feelings and desires.
The two brains in my head - I like that! Yes so much and then realising that slowly there was one brain, mine, a woman, a scientist, a caring emotional person. A far nicer and better person than he was.
I even remember when he died, I saw him fade in the mirror as I took over, he has never come back. I love him and I admire him for looking after me. He was flawed, but brave.
I am one now, I still retain my knowledge, my skills, my commitment; but now with a more caring edge, a more concerned edge. I foster my friendships and love my students and support them in ways he could not. He couldn't show these emotions, I can and I do.
It was a long journey, and like most journey's I recall highlights and down times. But what I feel most is the feeling you have after a long trip. I am so glad to be home.
I hope you feel like this one day, and I am sure you will.
My love
Cindy
Quote from: meganjames2 on April 27, 2016, 05:52:41 PM
I know I can't go back, but going forward still scares the heck out of me, I've never made an uncalculated decision in my life, time for the first...
I haven't either, and only moved forward with this out of total desperation. I calculated I couldn't survive if I kept ignoring it, and tried the only other option I could think of. It's not like it could get any worse. Starting HRT was a revelation and I wish I'd started sooner.
I've still not transitioned. I'm still calculating the risks and not desperate anymore. Also to stubborn for my own good. No doubt I'll wish I'd started this sooner one day...
Cindy, isn't it amazing how productive denial can be! I've had so many hobbies, projects and interests over the years, plus a very good career. Food was my comfort rather than drink, but I understand totally. I like the way you describe it as coming home, I hope I'll get there too one day.
Quote from: meganjames2 on April 28, 2016, 03:56:04 AM
Cindy, isn't it amazing how productive denial can be! I've had so many hobbies, projects and interests over the years, plus a very good career. Food was my comfort rather than drink, but I understand totally. I like the way you describe it as coming home, I hope I'll get there too one day.
You will Hon, and one day you will reply to a similar post. 'I remember when I couldn't get my brain around what I'm facing and realised...... I did.' But then think, 'I can't quite remember when it happened; but it did' I wonder where he went?
Maybe it because I'm so young but i never had a identity struggle. I know who i was and was who i am. I am still me just on hormones i don't think of myself as being different than what i was before. But that might be because i am 18 and i never really had to hide my identity through i didn't admit it till about last year. I'm still me guy or girl because i never felt force to make a fake personality to protect myself.
Roseyfox, yes, you may be right. I never felt able to confront and admit to others how I felt until now. I'm glad you've accepted and faced this at an earlier age. I'll regret the years I lost, but I still had many happy times I wouldn't give up.
Quote from: meganjames2 on April 28, 2016, 10:59:06 AM
Roseyfox, yes, you may be right. I never felt able to confront and admit to others how I felt until now. I'm glad you've accepted and faced this at an earlier age. I'll regret the years I lost, but I still had many happy times I wouldn't give up.
+1
Quote from: roseyfox on April 28, 2016, 10:20:00 AM
Maybe it because I'm so young but i never had a identity struggle. I know who i was and was who i am. I am still me just on hormones i don't think of myself as being different than what i was before. But that might be because i am 18 and i never really had to hide my identity through i didn't admit it till about last year. I'm still me guy or girl because i never felt force to make a fake personality to protect myself.
That is exactly it. In my childhood in the 1970's, transitioning was not a "thing." For me at that age, becoming a girl was science fiction, until I found out about Renee Richards when I was 19 or 20 years old. By then, I had already forged a male identity just to protect myself, survive, and keep from being picked on.
Unfortunately, now, at 53, that male identity is rapidly breaking down. My body is literally at war with itself as I suffer a continuing onslaught of severe, extremely painful panic attacks.
I don't like to say that the male me is going to die, though. I just like to think that he is going off to a well deserved rest, and we are going to retire his jersey.
I'm actually thinking of having a wake for the old me so friends and family can say goodbye if/when I transition to full-time. Any excuse for a party!
Quote from: meganjames2 on April 30, 2016, 08:32:08 AM
I'm actually thinking of having a wake for the old me so friends and family can say goodbye if/when I transition to full-time. Any excuse for a party!
Oh that sounds fun and upbeat and we can only hope there will be more happy celebrants than mourners..... ;D
in my transition so far, i don't really view it as one personality or the other, i view it as more analogous to different sorts of synthesizers, low quality digital piano-layout vs buchla, for example. Also comparatively, transition can be likened to being allowed only a cheap toy keyboard, getting really good on it in spite of its chincy tinny-ness - and then upgrading to a Buchla.
piano's, while very cool, are nevertheless rather rigid and formulaic in their design. All the sounds are ladder-mapped to a keyboard, and the music notation is also rather mathematical and formulaic. Alot like being a male, in my views; everything is almost boringly straightforward, clothes, behavior, speech. Dare to deviate too much from an acceptable baseline, and the whole thing just sorta stops working.
Buchla synths, on the other hand, are comparatively very esoteric, with random knobs and sliders and wires and ports, and you're not entirely sure how all of the modules are going to interact, and even then, they don't really seem to interact the same way twice, or even three or four (dozen) times.
Similarly, is my experience of physical/ emotional transition thusfar; someone does just a little thing, emotions flare and flip-flop, and i find that i respond very differently than how i did/ would have before hrt.
Megan, you'll figure it out. I was pleasantly surprised to see that you are having a struggle with TWO people in your head. I felt like that. I gave that other the name of 'Squirrel.' I transitioned thirty years ago. Squirrel is still with me but she has become my muse for the better. She pushes me to do cool things.
Just keep active. Set some goals and objectives. Get involved in the discussions here. We'd love to hear of your progress.
I came to an agreement with both sides of who I am yrs ago,there is no way I can kill either side off,both sides of my psych have made me the person I am today. Sometimes I want to be Teresa more then Terry and times I want to be more Terry then Teresa. If I killed off Terry it would be like losing a trusted friend,same goes for Teresa,that is one reason transitioning is off the table.