I have pretty much thought about this 24/7 for 60 years. It took me way to long to transition, but I made it. Just curious if others get a break whether for an hour or day or years on the beating of the brain cells on being trans.
Stephanie,
In younger years, I was very distracted. A lot of emotionally shutting down for long periods of time. I would get involved in projects, so I wouldn't think about it . Now, it is 24/7 "transgenderland."
Moni
I find idle time is the worst for me personally. So I bury myself with projects, groups and work to keep my mind off of it. I wasn't aware of that until just very recently.
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I was somewhat distracted by school , but it started eating away at me slowly , but progressively .
Yeah sometimes I forget and its nice. I'd imagine these dysphoria/trans free moments will be 24/7 once I'm post op.
Unless I'm distracted, trans related thoughts are never far from my mind. It's an obsession; a lifetime one fueled by dysphoria.
If something is constantly eating away at you and causing you distress, it's difficult not to think about it.
for me this thing started when I was 4 and the memory of being that way at 4 is just impossible to ignore
I certainly think about it a lot, though not 24/7. There are a few other things I think about occasionally. ;)
Quote from: Violets on April 30, 2016, 01:47:17 AM
Unless I'm distracted, trans related thoughts are never far from my mind. It's an obsession; a lifetime one fueled by dysphoria.
If something is constantly eating away at you and causing you distress, it's difficult not to think about it.
^right there
It never crossed my mind until deciding to start HRT. Then it was just right. Really it came more as a realization than a conscious thought. Mind you now it is a constant concern.
Hugs,
Jeanette
It occupies the overwhelming majority of my daily thoughts. I could go on all day talking/thinking about trans stuff. But I don't because I think some of my friends are at their trans limit. Though, I feel less conflicted now that I identify as trans. It's just that those conflicted thoughts have been replaced with self-doubt and a general sense of being overwhelmed.
QuoteThough, I feel less conflicted now that I identify as trans.
As I mentioned in other notes, while being trans for many years, I had only mentioned it to one person and that was about 25 years ago. Since posting here over the past couple of days and talking to my doctor about it this morning, I feel much better.
My doctor now knows I'm trans and want to make some changes and I'm glad she knows, as she's now in a position to help me.
I blocked it out for a long time. I'm still good at not thinking about it, but transitioning has made me think about it more often than I have in years. Which is exhausting.
It has been at the forefront of my mind constantly for 46 years.
It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
André Gide, Autumn Leaves
No I don't ever not think about it. sometimes I can think about other things also... those are the best times.
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Too much "Quality Time" alone, without my best friends known as Distraction, Diversions, and Denial, will certainly not keep me from thinking about being trans. If it weren't for the "3Ds", I'd probably have offed myself in my early 20's after my 2nd failed transition experiment.
With my insanely crazy insane life I hardly ever have time to consider the "Who" I am or "Where" I am great questions of life. Waking up on the sunny side of the grass is all I ask
Interesting question. Lately, like in the last 3-4 months i am having times where i just feel like any other woman.
Part of the reason why i believe is that i have friends that totally treat me no different than anyone in the group. My friend and i were talking about guys yesterday and it took me a few moments to realize why i deeply understood what she was saying; because i had been culturalized as one.
Another time just the other day i had decided to leave my normal Sunday self-care routine to Monday (bath, shaving, trimming down there, putting a new shade of polish etc) and it took a long time. I did not get to work until about 9:50 and my team thought i may call in sick. I remember thinking how is it my wife can go so much faster than me with most of this stuff? Then i thought - oh yeah i haven't been doing it that long.
Unless I'm distracted by something else (sometimes even then) the thoughts are always there. Even in the deepest periods of denial in my life, I still always thought about it. At times it's a form of background noise in my head, just subtle feelings that shape my more conscious thoughts. Many times however it's actual conscious thoughts about how much I wish I had a female body, how much I hate feeling the need to be something else, feelings of wishing I could just rip my skin off, fantasies of having a magical power that gave me the ability to turn into a woman, etc. I can become very distracting at times.
As I've more recently stripped away the denial and conditioning, it has gotten much worse. Now that I'm more connected with my feelings and allow myself to acknowledge them, I think about it deliberately even more often. I also have more triggers. Just seeing a woman in a cute outfit that I'd like to wear, seeing an advertisement for makeup or shoes or Fabletics or whatever. Sometimes just being in a room dominated by men (like at work) can even set my thoughts in motion.
Being trans is usually the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thought before bed. Other than that my heads full of getting through the day and adverts ;D. I do get spells where gender is a non-issue though.
I thought coming out would make things better, but actually it's made it worse. But not always in a bad way. It's just my routines are changing, so it's hard to ignore when you've nearly poked your eye out with a mascara brush getting ready to face the public. :D
I thought about transitioning daily for about 50 years. Now I did it and I am happy with myself.
For me, there came a time when such thoughts ceased.
It was a couple years after SRS. I was (and still am) practicing non-disclosure, and I was a couple years into a long-term romantic relationship. Now, mind you, there were certainly times in that interval where I was distracted enough, as someone else put it, that I wasn't thinking about what I'd accomplished. (And there were times, lying in bed, exhausted from lovemaking and full of endorphins, where I couldn't think about anything.) But then I'd be driving somewhere, or out walking, or even in the midst of conversation, and this second line of thought would thread its way through my consciousness and start wondering about whether this was all real, was it really happening, and what would occur if disclosure suddenly happened, stuff like that.
But anyways, it was after a couple years, getting deep into my new life, and something like an entire week had gone by where I didn't have such thoughts. I was just a woman moving on. And I know it was an entire week, because I had a weekly lunch date with another woman of transition (whom I've called "Raquel Welch" elsewhere on the boards, because she was such a beauty) and it was so strange, we were halfway through our Chinese takeaway, sitting out in a park, when the realization suddenly struck me. She too, by the way, had had such experiences as well, though at the time it hadn't been for as long as a week straight, because she was still at her same place of employment as when she'd transitioned and such environments are too rife with triggers.
I tell you, over the years, living a woman's life and not actually getting into regular conversations about things like transition, it creates distance. I've gone years and years without thinking about it. And now, when I do think of it (and I've been thinking about it a lot the last few months, since coming back to the boards), it's with a kind of detachment, as if I'm looking back at the life of someone completely different. Someone who isn't me. It's kind of like the faded memories of surgery, and recovering from that very specific pain. I know it happened, I remember it, but I don't feel it anymore. There isn't anything resembling dysphoria from those memories.
But then, so many of my memories have already changed. A process I'm happy to let continue.
I think about it all the time...
Always. Even drawing about it...
Only when I am passed out, or deep in a non-trans dream. Otherwise, it's there, but not distractingly there...
I have spent lots of time thinking about being trans in the last couple of years and I did the same when I first recognized that I'm trans and then stopped mostly when I decided against medical intervention.
I actively reimagined my past life realizing how I'd always had a femme take on whatever I did and mostly I'm just content expressing how I feel. About 3 years ago I realized that the mismatch between my interior and exterior was slowly killing me and so here I am, living as femme as I can still but now the impedance matching is better with estrogen having replaced testosterone and my body slowly coming around. I expect post-op to be a receding of thinking about transition.
I'm off to work shortly and will be thinking about work :-)
Yeah, I never thought about it before last November or so, blame it on ignorance.
Can I turn back time?
Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 26, 2017, 11:03:06 AM
Yeah, I never thought about it before last November or so, blame it on ignorance.
Can I turn back time?
Jeanette
Cher still hasn't found a way yet.
No I don't.. maybe because I live stealth I don't think to much about it. Especially since post op
I always knew I was different. Coming from a different generation I just thought I was perverted, and society did nothing to make that feeling less harsh. Until I visited this site early last year I had no answers. Seven months after starting HRT they are finally coming forward. Yes I am trans. No, it was not my choice. Yes I am thrilled to finally be free to be me. For the first time in my life I am not confused. Coming out to my family and their acceptance was the most liberating feeling of my life and all my dread melted away. I contribute to Susan's every month because I believe I could not have found my answers anywhere else. Speaking of contributions. It's that time of month. Please this resource is too valuable to lose.
I don't think about it 24/7 more like 16/7 ;D it's part of who I am, and there's really no way to avoid acknowledging it to myself, and I am ok with that.
Well, I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks about it all the time.
I seem to vaguely remember not thinking about it quite as much when I was in semi-denial, though I still thought about it an awful lot, and it was disturbing to me then.
I would throw myself into my studies or work, or could distract myself with gaming for awhile. I think must I like to think about being transgender, as I know I could distract myself with these things, and choose not to.
Interesting question posed in this topic, and I found the responses interesting to read as well.
For me, there was periods of my life I would repress my desires to be female for sure, I can recall compartmentalizing my life, only to retreat to my secret self. When I began transition, I would think about these topics a lot, and post about them online with others, and it was like feed back loop. After my GCS, there was period where I withdrew from posting and thinking about transition issues, and just lived. Now almost 3 years later, I find myself again thinking about being trans, but in supportive and positive way, it's not the burden it used to be.
Cynthia -
It's difficult to avoid thinking about being trans, because we live in a trans-hostile environment, much of the time. That keeps it alive.
But I am only incidentally trans, the way other women are incidentally diabetic, barren, or disfigured. These things do not define us.
I am a woman. After nearly two years of being out to myself, the thrill never dies; and maybe the fact that, unlike many, I didn't know for so long helps. I am so ecstatic to be a woman that it outweighs everything else.
Because of the society we live in, I fear we will never fully escape seeing ourselves as trans. But it is essential that we make the distinction between being trans and being female. Being trans is an accident of birth; being female is who we are.
It used to be my first thought upon waking and my last before sleep. There seems to have been a quite a change since GCS last year and each day I now find myself totally engrossed in what I am doing and simply not having trans thoughts circulating through my mind like they have since as long as I can remember. Whilst the thoughts were not always at the front of my mind they were always there...as the weeks of recovery become less focused on recovering and more I living my periods of NOT thinking about it seem to be increasing...hopefully one day it will be something I used to think about.
The thought of being transgender is never far from my thoughts, but it is not always front and centre. I think about being a woman more than I think of being a trans woman.
I am aware of the experience of being new to womanhood, and I revel in learning new ways of doing and being that are appropriate to that role, but that is not quite the same as thinking about being trans. On the other hand, I am still transitioning, and there are steps to take that need to be planned out.
I have been officially transitioning for well over 5 years
Started HRT over 4 years ago
Became full-time almost 2 1/2 years ago in early December 2016,
Relocated immediately far away to start my own woman owned small business.
People in my small town have only known me as a woman.
Therefore as time goes by I am not thinking very often and not much at all now about being transgender however the subject does come up sometimes, it is briefly discussed, and is soon forgotten by all.
Danielle
I've had periods in my life where I simply didn't have time to think about it. I was a single parent with 2 pre school children and a full time job. I was able to work from home so I could look after the kids and my house through the day, and fit my 8 hours work around them. This meant going flat out 18 hours a day, and my only thought was getting through the next week! This lasted 20 years, though it got less demanding as they got older, but there were still lots of sports training and singing lessons etc. after school to keep me busy. I have tended to keep myself very busy, partly to help keep dysphoria at bay, but since semi retiring, it became a distraction, then overwhelming and affecting my health. Now I'm on HRT, it's back to being a distraction.
Allie
I really don't know! How or what does it feel thinking about being transgender? I don't think much about eating or walking, etc. Transgender is something that happened/partially still happening to me, but I don't really think much about.
For example, I was shopping for desses with a girlfriend today, and I did not even think a minute about anything else but feminin stuff it. During our drive to and from the stores, we talked only about girls stuff (including some bodily functions that are specific to women). But I don't know how I would specifically think about being transgender?
I do not worry about it too often. When I start to dwell on it I do something to change my mindset. I am just letting the process run its course.
I do think about workout often and that takes most of my free time.
I make a plan and start doing it and adjust as necessary.
Not since High School have I thought anything else. I prayed. I made deals with the devil. I even tried to prove my manhood. It's hard for me to do manly stuff. Cars, sex life, drinking to excess. I tried that last one until I realize I could not just casually drink. I have thought about having babies and how special that is. I dream about taking the kids to school, soccer etc. The best thing ever and there are a lot of people who disagree as they tell their kids to shut up. But I love the laughter, I love the questions. It never gets old. In real life my kids have never been spanked. When they would do something wrong I would count to three and somehow they understood. I'd get to two and all would be under control. I have the best kids ever. However, I was not too lady like yesterday as everything went wrong. I have never gone off like that. If GCS had been a more refined art when I was young, I have no doubt I would have had full surgery. I have met some ladies now who had surgery in the 80's but I don't know where they got the information or therapy. The internet was not nearly so useful back then. Hey kiddo's. Ever hear of 9000 baud or dot matrix printing?
Hi Stephanie!
I noticed that when I am interacting with people who don't have a clue about me being transgender, in the absence of people who know, I automatically disconnect from my past and I don't feel myself as a trans woman, but just as a woman. It is an extremely nice feeling, especially because how naturally it appears. At those moments, I no longer worry about acceptance by others... They see me genuinely for who I am - a woman - without second thoughts. [emoji4]
Hugs, Sarah
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Never. It's like a monkey on my back, and the older I get the more I feel as if I've lived my life wrong and missed out on the one I ought to have lead.
Ninety plus percent of the time being transgender is NOT at all on my mind. And, I never believed that this could be possible, kind of snuck up on me. Case and point, I am scheduled for ffs next week and should be nervous and excited as all get out, but this week my wife and I are hanging out in Paris, touring the local art museums, eating at local cafes and I have virtually not thought about being anything other than half of a couple of married ladies enjoying a few days in Paris.
Tia Anne