My parents both passed away nearly a decade ago. I was mournful when they passed, though in each case they went through a long difficult decline so I was able to comfort myself with the fact that their suffering was over. Though sad, I didn't feel like I needed them or that their passing left an unfillable gap in my life.
Since I've gone on HRT, I've found myself needing them, especially my Mom, in a kind of visceral way that I never have before. I can't put my finger on what I'd want from her. We didn't even get along that great when she was alive.
I wonder whether female hormones create an emotional interest in staying connected with parents while male hormones create an emotional interest in being independent.
Has anyone else had similar experiences?
I'm sorry to hear about your parents, Suzi. It's never easy to lose a family member.
My parents are still around, but it doesn't really feel like it anymore. I think about them every day, but I had to cut myself off from them after a year of them making me feel unwelcome. My mother's birthday is this month, but I probably won't be wishing her a happy birthday because of our lack of contact. I'd love to go back to the days where I could make casual comments like that, but I have to wait for them to welcome me back first. I'm not sure how long it will take, but I am willing to forget everything wrong they did in a heartbeat if they can accept me for who I am. Hopefully that can happen while they are still alive.
My father died a few weeks ago after a long bout with C. We were never able to talk earnestly and i find
myself lamenting that more than i thought i would. i knew i would never be able to come out to him so
it's kind of irrational thinking this way.
Haven't begun HRT yet so maybe doesn't apply.
I have felt some of the same yearning at least for my mother, I hadn't talked to her for years before she died so it was all unresolved, she never really got to see me grow into the woman I am today....likewise it had been a really long time since I have talked to my father at least 15 years now. At 30 I still don't know what family is about it seems.
My father passed away in 1988 from HIV he got from a blood transfusion and my mother died in 2010 from COPD. She died in my house where I was taking care of her until the end.
This is a sad thing, and maybe mean, but every time I think of them I get a little angry and resentful. They said some really mean things to me when I was 13 about this trans thing. I cannot let that go even though they were good parents other than that. 43 years later those words still ring in my mind.
Sapere Aude
I was cleaning out my closet today and ran across some of my dad's old stuff, and I got all nostalgic and was missing him. It's weird to be glad someone's gone and also miss them at the same time. It was kind of a relief when he died, it felt like I couldn't begin to heal until he was gone. I still miss him though :(
This thread is sad...bleh
NSFW lyrics (that are also wrong in the vid) -
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UgDZOKUhx_E
My folks are both still around but entering their late 70s, every year seems to bring some new medical problem but they are doing well.
I was always fairly close to my mother but after my first attempt at transition imploded and I decided I was going to have a proper go at "being a man" (whatever that means) I found myself distancing myself from her. In small part it was anger at her less than supportive response at my "news" back in 1991, but largely it was a need not to be seen as a "mummy's boy" (or "mommy's boy") and be , as you say Suzi, disconnected and independent. That did start to soften over the following years, I tried to maintain a good relationship but at an arms length.
Since I've not only been on HRT but out and full time I found my relationship with her has improved, she's very supportive and I feel closer to her. Could be a mother/daughter thing, I don't know.
Every day. Mum died on her 87th birthday 3 years ago. Dad gave up on life that day, he'd always been a heavy drinker and started knocking back a bottle of vodka a day. 19 months later he had a massive stroke & died in hospital 6 days later, I signed off DNR. He wasn't violent through drink but he could be a PITA, I wish I'd spent a bit more time with him
Yes I do.
My parents were wonderful loving caring people who couldn't accept their much wanted son as another daughter (they had two others). My Dad sort of accepted but my Mum no way.
I left home an 16-17 and went my own way. I went back once and my Dad kissed me when I left and held me. My Mum didn't want to know.
They died and I didn't return for their funerals: I was too proud? Too full of bile to be honest.
I miss them, I was wrong not to go to their funerals. They did love me.
In June I return to the UK for the first time in about 20 years to visit my surviving sister. She has never met me. I'm looking forward to it.
And no, remembering our parents is not sad, it is accepting ourselves as the daughters they never quite accepted. But I do think, knowing you all, that they would be very proud of the fine women you have all become.
Now I need my tissues :'(
They are still alive and do cross my mind on occasion but so not interested in seeing them.
My mother is a self-serving game player she has a knack of making people see things her way.
Nothing ever good enough etc etc
My stepfather was not really there and never emotionally involved (I recently stripped him of the title of Dad).
My biological father, as he was referred to in my childhood, I was programmed to hate by my mother. I managed to break it (and the rest of my programming) after many years and patch things up before he died. I now remember him fondly as my Dad and just wish we had more time together.
I cut contact with my living parents a few years ago when I could suddenly see through my mother.
Funny how the biggest changes seem to happen like that for me just *click* and the world is different.
Once I recognized my mother was toxic and the effect she was having on my wife and kids I decided to have a quiet grown up "talk" with her alone.
The end result.... she asked me not to come back and confirmed it 2 more times very calmly.
I told her softly "as you wish" and left without a scene.
She is good at what she does. So good in fact my brother and 2 sisters with their own families never even got in touch to ask me what happened. My friend also lost his own brother to her but that's another story.
why did you have to start this thread? My parents are alive and I'm still living with them although they're getting old and have health problems. (Father is late 80ies and mother late 70ies). Partly due to their age it's difficult for them to accept me as the real me. I know they probably don't have many years left (one never knows though) so the situation is a bit weird.
Well, my mom died when I was 7 and she knew about the other me so I do think about her a lot. My dad is nearing 70 now and is slowly declining and we have an ocean between us so I really feel like the clock is ticking and I should be spending time with him because I'm worried he will pass one day and I'll be really upset by all the things we didn't say to each other....
My Dad Died 25 years ago and my Mom 5 years ago. Both had a very difficult last 3 months at the end. I was very relieved for them when they died.
I was walking into my office about a month ago and thinking about them and what they would say about me expressing at work. I thought I am accepted here. Then out of nowhere I said, see Mom and Dad, it is not a phase and I did not grow out of it. I heard it was a phase and will grow out of it 1000's of times growing up.
Dreamt I saw my Mom and Dad in my bedroom doorway looking at me with frowns, perhaps a years ago. My Mom said how are you going to take care of them (meaning my wife and daughter). I remember saying to them I will figure it out. Then I woke up.
I wish they could have known all the pain suppressing my gender caused me and how it effected my life and relationships.
My parents are alive, but they are both so distant it's not far from them being dead really.
A few years ago my mother decided to tell me that she feels nothing for people and she always pushes people close to her away anyway, and my last communication with my father was apparently only so that he could try to guilt me into doing things for him (which doesn't work, being that was mostly absent in my life, and proved himself an unpalatable and manipulating person besides). Neither of them were in contact very often, to the point where they might not actually have known if I was alive or dead. I live hundreds of miles away from them after all.
It bothered me deeply for a few years. I was angry, because I felt entitled if not to their affection, for them to at least understand that I was having a difficult time. They both seemed to think I owed them the same but never gave much thought to the stress and logistical difficulties I've had in life. Like I was just supposed to be there at their disposal. I got over it in the end. They aren't the family I would like; I did think they were nicer people than this but I guess I was wrong. When they die I suppose it will hit me again, but I've already had to go through a process of shedding my feelings for them.
My mother passed away in 2011 and my step-dad in 2014. It was after my step-dad died that I was able to figure out I was trans. I spent years, most of my life really, repressing my thoughts and feelings. My step-dad never went through my mothers things. After he died it was up to my brother and I to do that. Her makeup was still in the bathroom and her clothes still in the drawers and closets. It was going through her clothes that caused my feelings, long repressed, to come back.
I wish I had been able to tell my mother about my issues. She had told me many times that she was sure she was going to have a girl when she had me. I never got to tell her that she was right. I miss her every day.
My father is still alive and I have a bit of a relationship with him but it is not very close or open. My step-mother does not approve of my transition and has made sure to let my dad and my brothers and sisters know it. My dad can only talk to me when she is not around. When I have my GCS in August I will make sure the doctor saves my testicles so I can give them to my dad....he needs a pair.